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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525177">Shining Through</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee'>Nadja_Lee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Band Of Brothers [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, BAMF Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Good Parabatai Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Alec Lightwood, Immortal Jace Wayland, Immortal Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland Feels, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Kidnapped Alec Lightwood, Kidnapping, Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prince of Hell Magnus Bane, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Protective Magnus Bane, Revenge, Romance, Team as Family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-29 02:29:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>88,122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jace and Alec were kidnapped by a secret government agency and brutally tortured to make them work for them. They were eventually rescued.<br/>Now they are back home with their loved ones and friends but everything has changed. They survived their ordeal. Now, together with Magnus, Clary and their friends, they need to start the long journey back to happiness. A journey of love, pain, healing, sharing, acceptance and family.<br/>Meanwhile, Magnus is making sure anyone involved in their kidnapping pays dearly.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Jace Wayland, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Lorenzo Rey/Andrew Underhill, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Band Of Brothers [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1686</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Preface: How we got here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>How Alec, Jace, Magnus, Izzy and Clary feel now that Alec and Jace are finally rescued.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to LaCroixWitch for great beta.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions past torture, past rape attempt, past revenge (including torture and murder) -&gt; Basically everything that happened in "Enemy of the State" which I strongly suggest you read first: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984<br/>Thanks so much to Regina Danica Villa Bibit for the amazing series banner.<br/></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings. I strongly suggest you read the prequel "Enemy of the State" here <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984">https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984</a> but you don't have to read that story to read and follow this one.</p><p>
  
</p><h1>Chapter 1: Preface</h1><p>
  <em>Alec and Jace</em>
</p><p>Alec and Jace; the <em>parabatai</em> brothers who during their terrible ordeal could now barely be mentioned in separate instances any longer. They had always been one soul but now they were also tied together by love, brotherhood and shared experiences of pain and sacrifice no one but they could possibly understand.</p><p>Alec had been taken first; kidnapped on his way to Magnus’ place and taken to a black ops military ship. The day after, Jace had been kidnapped too. Their captor, Peter, was a Mundane military leader – a commander of a black ops group which operated off the books and under the radar since the 1950s. The faction’s mission was to use supernatural elements to advance American interests at home and abroad.</p><p>Peter had exploited the <em>parabatai</em> bond between Alec and Jace from the start. He tortured Alec to weaken Jace, making him easier to capture. Once he had Jace, Peter had started a series of tests and exercises designed to discover their angel-given powers. At first they had thought Peter only wanted Jace; Alec was simply Peter’s leverage against him, to make him obey. Whenever Jace failed or disobeyed Alec would be tortured; using Alec against Jace ensured he did what he was told.</p><p>Their attempts to escape were futile, and as a consequence of their failed escape attempt, Alec was nearly raped; they never tried again. That ordeal haunted both of them and was something they had never really talked about in detail since. Jace felt he had failed Alec and Alec felt embarrassed that the threatened violation had shaken him so much because… it hadn’t happened. Almost, but it hadn’t happened. Alec had tried to repeat this fact to himself over and over again as if it would lessen the terror of the ordeal. It didn’t but he pretended it did, and Jace was more than happy to pretend right along with him.</p><p>As time passed, Alec and Jace realized Peter had plans for Alec too. Once he believed he had the two Shadowhunters under his control, Peter sent Jace on an assassination mission. Jace had, against Alec’s wishes, completed the mission to ensure Alec’s safety. While doing so he had carved the light rune Clary had invented into the man and had called 911, asking for Luke. This, they would later learn, had helped Magnus, Clary, Izzy and their friends find them.</p><p>Peter had punished this disobedience by using the agony rune on them; the physical aspect of the rune on Jace and the mental agony element for Alec. It had almost broken Alec, but by forcing his feelings aside, he had managed to resurface from the comatose-like state he had disappeared into. Jace had pretended he was ok, like the pain and torture had not reminded him of his abusive childhood with Valentine. Jace found it easier to pretend he was alright because with the aid of iratzes he had healed and there were no scars, no proof of the ordeal, left on his body. But seeing Alec suffer like this, seeing him locked in his own mind like he had been…  It scared Jace worse than anything else and it cast doubt on every moment since then.</p><p>Peter had given Alec one last test to ensure himself he had Alec where he wanted him; he had ordered him to shoot either Jace or an unarmed young female prisoner wearing a prison jumpsuit. Alec had shot the woman before Peter had finished talking. Peter had been overjoyed; he had his soldier (Jace) and his general (Alec). Together, they would bring him victory.</p><p>Luckily, that had never happened. Magnus had attacked with a force of Downworlders and hand-picked Shadowhunters soon after and had freed Jace and Alec. During the rescue, Magnus had helped Jace and Alec enact bloody revenge on Peter, and John, the guard would had almost raped Alec. They had both been brutally tortured to death before Magnus had portaled everyone off the ship and Magnus’ remaining people had blown it up, killing everyone who remained.</p><p>As Magnus would soon discover, the <em>parabatai</em> brothers they had rescued were very different from the two men who had been captured.</p><p>Alec looked the most changed, scarred from beatings and whippings everywhere on his body. He also had a burn mark, a<em> brand</em>, on his upper back. He had lost weight and looked frail and small now. His eyes were haunted and he felt safe only when Jace was close by. It was hard for him to be touched by anyone but Jace and Magnus, and he jumped at any loud noise. Allowing himself to feel anything about his captivity was overwhelming, because it was all too much; it had become too much to bear so long ago and it hadn’t ended. At least, it hadn’t ended soon enough. A part of his mind was still there, on that ship, trapped and silently screaming.</p><p>It still didn’t feel safe, even now, rescued, home. Alec felt wrong, on edge, different. The world had moved on, everyone went on doing things and yet he was standing still. He didn’t recognize himself in the mirror and he felt like a stranger in the world he had returned to. He felt out of place and wrong and he hated to admit it but sometimes he missed the cell he had shared with Jace. It had been small and cramped, but it had a secure illusion of safety. Magnus’ loft was too big and yet too confining; too many people were everywhere. It was too crowded and too loud. Just like how his head was too crowded and too loud. Like his body was too scared and just… <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>Magnus was a light in his darkness; the personification of all of his dreams and hopes. Dreaming of Magnus, believing he would rescue them - that had kept him going. However, how could Magnus possibly love him now? He was broken, scarred, and ugly. Alec had stared into the abyss and the abyss had stared back. Magnus deserved better; deserved someone who wouldn’t flinch at sudden movements and noises, someone he could have sex with without worrying a wrong movement or a wrong word would shatter them. How could Magnus possibly want… <em>this</em>? Want this broken shell of a man Alec had become?</p><p>True to form, on the outside Jace looked almost the same. Strong, muscled… a heavenly warrior. Jace hated that. He hated that he looked… normal. He hated everything about it. He didn’t feel normal. Everything had changed and nothing would ever be the same again. He tried to be strong; for Alec, for Clary. It was who he was, how he was raised. Compartmentalize. Carry on.</p><p>But this time, he didn’t know how to carry on. He felt like crying and fighting and dying. The world looked at him and saw the Jace he had been, but he was shattered and broken on the inside and no one could see it. A twisted part of him wished he looked as broken as Alec, wearing his pain and suffering so clearly on his body. At the same time, he felt he had no right to feel so broken and damaged; he had escaped nearly unscathed. He hadn’t been tortured over and over again to the point where <em>iratzes</em> couldn’t heal him. Alec had. How could he even dare belittle Alec’s suffering by claiming to suffer to?! He had just stood there, helpless, watching, as his brother had screamed screams that were now echoing in his soul and shattering his mind.</p><p>Whenever someone asked if he was okay, he always said yes – unless it was Alec and they were alone. Then he never lied— not anymore. He allowed Alec to see his pain and Alec would in turn show him his. They had broken together and they had no longer any barriers against each other. Their pain was different, yet shared.</p><p>Their <em>parabatai</em> bond had grown and deepened, strengthening as it entangled their souls even tighter together. They had shared a cell together, they had suffered together, healed together, cried together, laughed together… they had comforted each other as they fell asleep. Their only safe haven had been drifting off within each other’s arms as they listened to each other’s heartbeat, a calming sound lulling them to sleep. For years they had shared a soul, but now they were inseparable; brothers born of shared pain and anguish that only they could possibly understand and relate to.</p><p>They would have done almost anything for each other before. Now, they would do anything for their brother. Kill, torture, die… <strong>anything</strong> at all. Without question. There was nothing either of them could say, do or ask for that the other would not eagerly give. Through their bond, they had survived the Hell of their capture, and they would never leave their brother alone ever again.</p><p>As Alec had taken the brunt of the torture during their ordeal, Jace grew overprotective of his <em>parabatai</em> and guarded him closely and fiercely, refusing to let anyone or anything hurt him ever again. Jace felt he had failed Alec and he would never fail again. His now shattered soul and mind were ignored in his pursuit to see Alec protected. He would <strong>not</strong> fail again. After all, he had been fine; Peter had barely touched him compared to Alec… what right did he have to pain when Alec had suffered so horribly?</p><p>
  <em>Magnus</em>
</p><p>Five months, 2 weeks, 3 days and 13 hours.</p><p>Magnus could mark the precise time Alec had been away from him, the exact duration between when he’d seen Alec till he laid eyes on him again. 5 months, 2 weeks, 3 days and 13 hours. If asked, he could probably even count it to the second. That was how long it had taken before he had managed to rescue him and Jace. Worse, how long he’d <em>failed </em>to rescue Alec and Jace.</p><p>It was no use to try and pretend to fathom how Alec and Jace had suffered during their captivity. There were the obvious signs, though. How skinny Alec had become, how drained and devoid of spirit he looked.  Scars and wounds marred every surface of his body not covered by clothing when he had come to rescue him. What might have been beneath, Magnus wondered still— Alec had been reluctant to show any skin since his return. While Magnus didn’t know what had happened, he could clearly see it had been devastating. What broke Magnus’ heart the most was the lost look in Alec’s eyes.</p><p>However, all that mattered to Magnus was that he had Alec back in his arms. He entertained no illusions that everything was going to be perfect now. Magnus knew war; he had fought in wars both in the Mundane world and in the Shadow World. He had loved Mundane soldiers in the past. He knew what war, torture and captivity could do to a man. Alec and Jace had a long road of recovery ahead of them but Magnus was nothing if not a patient man. He would be there for Alec, he would calm him, support him, listen when he wanted to talk and be a safe outlet for his frustrations. Magnus would always be there for Alec, he would wait for him to be ready for as long as it took.</p><p>In the meantime, Magnus had a rebellion to plan.</p><p>In his pursuit to find Alec and Jace, Magnus had tortured and killed his way through the Mundane criminal underworld. His plan was to wage war against the Clave, an idea conceived when he became convinced that Victor Aldertree was involved somehow in the disappearance of Jace and Alec. Victor was also the one who had declared the<em> parabatai</em> pair undesirable; claiming they had run off together and broken the sacred parabatai oath against <em>eros</em>. The egregious slander infuriated Magnus; that alone was reason for Victor to be on the long list of people Magnus would never allow to see the light of day again.</p><p>Whether or not he would end up in outright war with the Clave depended on how they would react to knowing Alec and Jace were still alive and whether he would be able to get the people responsible for their kidnapping in the Clave punished; Magnus had no doubt this conspiracy ran deep. The Mundanes had known far too much of the Shadow World to not have someone on the inside and Magnus would find out whom it was and destroy them all.</p><p>Magnus had neglected to take good care of himself during Alec’s disappearance. He appeared the same but those who knew him well could tell how drained he was, how exhausted. Having Alec back meant Magnus could finally sleep, he could finally rest for a moment. This was not the end, it was just the beginning, but having Alec home was enough to ease the worst of his pain and fears.</p><p>Despite the small victories, Magnus was deeply worried for Alec. His physical injuries would eventually heal but would his spirit and his mind? Alec’s soul was tender and beautiful; it was clear it had been broken and battered by this ordeal. He saw the lost and distant look in Alec’s eyes now, the thousand-yard stare, and it broke his heart. Alec had always been a warrior but now he was reduced to just a soldier; a broken soldier. Jace tried to hide it but Magnus could tell he wasn’t better off; if anything, it was quite contrary. He seemed almost worse for the fact that he had no physical injuries to tie his pain up to.</p><p>Magnus knew healing would take a long time and it would likely be two steps forward and one step back – or maybe even two steps forward and three steps back. However, he also knew he would wait for Alec until the end of time and beyond. Even if Alec would never be comfortable being physical with him again, even if Alec would always have nightmares or terrors, even if he would always fight his inner demons – Magnus would be there. Understanding and patient, always.</p><p>If Alec needed to see the whole world burn to feel better; Magnus would be there for it. If Alec needed to save the world to feel better; Magnus would be there for that too. Even if he would never feel comfortable without having his brother close by again Magnus would not waver from his side. He understood the bond between brothers, in particular the bond forged during war and he would never come between that.</p><p>Magnus loved Alec with all of his heart and soul and he would do whatever Alec needed, every day, every hour. He would finally save Alec – and in turn Alec would save him right back.</p><p>
  <em>Clary</em>
</p><p>Clary had been overjoyed to get her boyfriend back. However, having been raised as a Mundane she was oblivious to the consequences of war.  She couldn’t wait to have things go back to normal. Jace was back, he was rescued and he was in a much better state physically than Alec, in close to peak fighting condition while Alec looked weak, shinny and broken. Surely, this had to mean Jace was okay, right? Everything could go back to normal. That was all she really wanted.</p><p>She was determined to resume their life together; the life that had so brutally been interrupted. She would make up for lost time. She would make everything perfect. She would make him see how loved he was. Everything would be alright now. He was safe and he was back. Everything was okay now, wasn’t it?</p><p>
  <em>Izzy</em>
</p><p>She finally had her brothers back but she knew they weren’t the same as they had been. Their eyes had changed; their bond had changed. They needed each other now in a way they never had before. It broke her heart to see what had been done to them. Though Alec was worse for wear, she was deeply concerned for the lost look Jace tried to hide.</p><p>She was hopeful that eventually Alec would open up about his ordeal but she had less confidence in Jace. Would he be willing and able to admit to what had happened? It was as if he didn’t want to accept he had suffered because Alec had gotten the worst of the torture. She knew that if given the choice she would much rather be the one taking a hit than watch her brothers suffer and she knew Jace was the same. His martyr complex was his Achilles heel. It was actually both his and Alec’s greatest strength and greatest weakness.</p><p>It was going to be a long road back, healing her brothers would not be easy, but she was patient and she would be there as much or as little as they would need her to. And in the meantime… she would help Magnus find and destroy any remaining people who had been involved in their suffering. She had lost her brothers once; she would <strong>never</strong> lose them again.     </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know if anyone wants to see this story. I don't want to do a lot of work if no one finds the idea interesting so let me know what you think. Feedback is loved, loved, loved! Kudos too of course :)<br/>Looking forward to hearing from you. Hugs</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. First Day Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first day back for Alec and Jace isn't easy for them or for anyone else.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to Cindy for great beta as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mention of captivity and torture done in the first story "Enemy of the state" but just mentioned; not detailed in this chapter, mild panic attack, PTSD, anxiety, fear of separation. Also, mention of drinking and sex/fucking but it is not detailed but the words are used. With a mature rating I will assume readers are well aware of what both drinking and sex means; if not we need to talk!<br/>I have chosen to give Clary a normal spouse reaction for someone who doesn't know war and PTSD and who has not been given any help, advice or introduction to the condition or how to react to it. Everyone reacts differently to painful experiences, PTSD is different for everyone and spouses, family and friends have different reactions. I want to paint a nuanced picture and not let everyone "be perfect" so there will be steps back and "mistakes" made. That is normal and I wanted to keep this story raw and real within the confines of the setup I have built for this series.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings. I strongly suggest you read the prequel "Enemy of the State" here <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984">https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984</a> but you don't have to read that story to read and follow this one.</p>
<h1>Chapter 2: First Day Back</h1><p>Even though Magnus had a large loft it seemed very crowded when Magnus, Jace and Alec stepped through the portal from the ship. Used to only having each other as company in a very small cell Jace and Alec were suddenly hesitant when they stood in Magnus’ living room – it both seemed too small for all the people and their voices and yet also too big; frighteningly so.</p><p>“Jace!” Clary threw herself into Jace’s arms who easily caught her and held her close.</p><p>As soon as the portal closed Alec melted into Magnus’ embrace, clinging to him as a thirsty man in the desert. Magnus had been the one thing he had dreamt of; the memory of him had kept him going through all those months of captivity. Feeling him now, smelling him, sensing him…it was overwhelming; he was almost afraid to believe it was true. His arms around Magnus were so tight he might be leaving bruises but Magnus didn’t seem to mind or even register it.</p><p>Magnus’ own arms around the Nephilim was just as secure though his hold was soft and tender, mindful of the fragility and bruises on Alec’s body. Magnus needed to reassure himself Alec was really there; finally back. He kissed the top of Alec’s head and whispered random endearments. He was vaguely aware that people were talking, being debriefed, planning the next steps. The rescue was over but there was still a rebellion to plan and they had to find out if Peter’s operation had been the only one or if there were other Mundane operations to shut down. He needed to make sure the remaining troops made it safely back from the ship and that the ship had been fully destroyed. Moreover, he needed to know if any significant documents had been recovered from the ship that could help them get to the bottom of this. Finally, they had to get to Victor and anyone else from Idris who Magnus was sure had been involved in this somehow.</p><p>Magnus reluctantly pulled a bit back from Alec but stayed close, sensing Alec’s uneasiness as he watched the people coming and going to the kitchen, in the ops room, several clearly waiting to speak to Magnus, awaiting decisions.</p><p>Feeling uneasy and uncertain in the new situation with several people nearby he didn’t know, Alec instinctively released Magnus fully and instead stepped closer to Jace, almost brushing against his back. Jace sensed his uneasiness and felt his own uneasiness grow when he realized they were the main attraction. Jace detangled himself completely from Clary and turned so he was facing the crowd with Alec, instinctively angling his body so he stood protectively in front of Alec.</p><p>“Everyone, go about your business. I will find you later. And move operations to the far back rooms; I have just conjured up more rooms,” Magnus ordered when he saw the uneasiness both Alec and Jace were now displaying, making a hand wave that indicated he had done just what he had said.</p><p>Noticing both Jace and Alec were still armed Magnus reached out a hand towards Alec, smiling reassuringly at him.</p><p>“May I have the gun, darling?” Magnus asked softly, nodding to the gun still in his hand.</p><p>Alec looked surprised at his hand as if first now realizing he still had it. Wordlessly and a bit hesitantly he gave it to Magnus who with a snap of his fingers made it disappear.</p><p>“And the knife?” Magnus asked softly.</p><p>Alec looked even more hesitant but handed it over, feeling vulnerable without a weapon.</p><p>“Izzy, why don’t you give Alec your steele? I still have contacts within the Institute; I can get a new one smuggled out to you by tomorrow,” Magnus suggested, guessing from Alec’s hesitation and slightly fearful expression how he was feeling.</p><p>Magnus had been in countless wars and while he himself had never had to feel defenseless as his weapons were his own hands, he had met many soldiers who had felt like that, needing time to feel safe again and therefore having a hard time being without a weapon.</p><p>A bit surprised Izzy handed her brother her steele, hugging him again as she did so, just to reassure herself he was really there. The hug was a bit too sudden for Alec and he stiffened and froze in her embrace before he forced himself to relax. Feeling his reaction she released him and smiled reassuringly at him, letting him know it was ok and she was there for him.</p><p>“May I take your weapons, Jace?” Magnus asked of him nodding to the gun and knife he also still held on to after the battle.</p><p>Jace hesitanted for a moment but then nodded. “Sure.”</p><p>While he also looked cautious at agreeing to giving up his weapons, it wasn’t as bad as with Alec but then with his pure angel blood Jace was never completely defenseless; like Magnus.</p><p>Magnus snapped his fingers and Jace’s weapons disappeared from within his hands. His hands now empty Clary embraced him again, having felt a bit confused and slightly hurt when Jace had let go of her. Jace returned the hug but stayed protectively in front of Alec.</p><p>“Anyone who needs medical attention should go see Catarina. She has set up a medical room just to the left of the ops room and should be here shortly,” Magnus ordered, looking at the group.</p><p>He was relieved to see that no one seemed to have gotten any serious injuries thanks to the magical protection from Lorenzo and himself. Seeing that Alec looked lost now that Jace was again embracing Clary, Magnus went to his side and put an arm loosely around his lower back. He really wanted to embrace him and kiss him till there was no tomorrow, but Alec was tense under his touch and he didn’t seem to be fully in the moment so Magnus forced himself to take it slow, not wanting to scare him.</p><p>Lorenzo and Andrew stood at the edge of the living room, near the front door. Lorenzo was insisting on doing a full inspection to ensure himself that Andrew was indeed unharmed which the young Shadowhunter allowed with a somewhat exasperated but also fond look. It probably didn’t hurt that Lorenzo’s inspection was regularly interrupted by possessive kisses. When Magnus had first met Lorenzo he hadn’t liked him much, but he had quickly found he could use his arrogance and his clear fascination with Andrew to his own advantage. However, looking at him now he had to admit that love had, literally, changed him. Oh, Magnus still felt he was annoying as hell at times but love suited him and the Warlock was growing on him and it was very useful to have a Warlock like Lorenzo to support his rebellion.</p><p>Raphael, Simon and Izzy were having a discussion with Luke about how he should report the soon to be blown up ship to the authorities in his role as a police officer. They finally decided to phone it in anonymously but try and angle it so that Luke would be involved in the investigation somehow so he could get access to Mundane documentation and intel. There was no guarantee that Peter’s unit had been the only one authorized to operate like that so it was best Luke didn’t show up on their radar as someone who had inside information. Luke and Raphael were agreeing that the issue of Mundanes capturing Downworlders should be told to every Warlock, Vampire, Seelie and Werewolf and quickly wrote fire messages to do just that.</p><p>Magnus kissed Alec’s temple tenderly before he moved a bit away to join Luke and Raphael in their discussion, still keeping a close eye on them to reassure himself he was safe. They decided to officially notify the Clave of the Mundane unit and its actions to see if it would force a reaction; to see if it was some or all of them who were in league with the Mundanes. However, they decided to keep the truth of Jace and Alec being alive hidden for now and therefore also not mention how they had come to this information. They wanted time to properly plan how to deal with the Clave and Idris itself and that Alec and Jace were alive was a key turning point.</p><p>Overhearing their conversation Alec felt very out of place. Clearly, a lot had been going on while he and Jace had been captured. He looked from Magnus, busy with the strategical decision making to Jace who was still holding Clary close. He suddenly felt very alone though he knew it was silly. Magnus was only a few steps away and he was looking at him, nodding and smiling reassuringly, every few seconds, and Jace was almost touching him, standing so close to him. He had felt a little better when Magnus had had an arm around his lower back, but he had still felt nervous and worried, needing to keep looking towards Jace to reassure himself he was safe and close by.</p><p>“Someone from the Institute or the Clave was involved; they knew Jace and I were parabatai. That’s how they captured Jace; they used me as bait,” Alec suddenly said, his voice soft but still seemed to echo in the room, a hint of guilt and self-discrimination in his tone. If he hadn’t been there Jace would never have been captured; it was his fault Jace had suffered this fate with him.</p><p>“It wasn’t your fault, Alec,” Jace said strongly, sensing some of Alec’s feelings through their bond and did a movement to separate from Clary to go comfort Alec. However, she held on to him so he stayed where he was and instead gave Alec a reassuring look to which he nodded back in acknowledgement and gratitude.</p><p>Clary didn’t want to let Jace go. She needed him; she needed him here and safe. She felt a wave of annoyance at Alec but fought it down; she knew it was silly but she felt now was her time. She had worried and waited for so long. She needed him now; she knew he had suffered and she knew the parabatai bond was special but she needed him. Please, just for a few more minutes; could he just be hers? She almost felt like crying at the relief of having him back but had forced herself not to, but that hadn’t changed her almost desperate need to feel he was real and here. She needed him. She couldn’t let go of him. Not yet.</p><p>“We will find them,” Izzy promised and Alec nodded, clearly not quite able to believe that and feel safe.</p><p>Alec turned from her to look up at Magnus who had finished talking to Luke and Raphael and had returned to his side.</p><p>“How long was I…were we…?” Alec asked hesitantly, unable to really finish the sentence, afraid of the answer.</p><p>Magnus could feel the question made Alec tense and worried and he wished there was a way to soften the blow. Saying it aloud made him feel angry all over again and a familiar wave of guilt for not having been able to rescue Alec sooner washed over him; it was a familiar feeling of self-hatred that Magnus had wallowed in since the day Alec had been taken.</p><p>“Five months, two weeks, three days and…thirteen hours,” Magnus replied sympathetically. He could have given Alec the time down to minutes and seconds.</p><p>It had felt like forever; Alec wouldn’t have been surprised if Magnus had said they had been gone for years. The answer was a relief and yet also disappointing somehow; he felt so different, everything felt different. It didn’t feel right that it had relatively only been five months.</p><p>“Oh,” Alec mumbled in response as he could see from Magnus’ concerned gaze he was expecting a reply.</p><p>Looking more closely at Magnus Alec quickly noticed the lines hidden behind his make-up, the pain deep in his eyes.</p><p>“Are <strong>you </strong>alright<strong>?” </strong>Alec asked worried, touching Magnus’ cheek tenderly, all thoughts of himself forgotten in his concern for the man he loved.</p><p>Magnus laid his hand over Alec’s on his cheek, moved by his concern.</p><p>“Of course, darling. I wasn’t kidnapped,” Magnus reassured him with a small smile.</p><p>“I know but you seem…drained,” Alec said anxiously, looking intensely at him in alarm and worry.</p><p>“I am better now you are back,” Magnus admitted softly, tenderly.</p><p>“Good. You must take care of yourself,” Alec insisted, a bit uneasy at being credited with making anyone better, even Magnus, when he himself felt so out of balance.</p><p>“I will,” Magnus promised with a loving smile though he internally kept thinking about how he would ensure Alec was safe; how he would find the remaining people who had had a hand in his kidnapping and make them pay. Alec was a very self-sacrificing man, always engrossed on ensuring everyone else’s happiness, so Magnus saw it as his primary focus to ensure Alec was safe and taken care of now that he was so bad at doing it himself.</p><p>Alec wasn’t sure he believed him; he could see the concern for him in Magnus’ eyes and knew Magnus always put others before himself. Alec saw it as one of his most important jobs to ensure the Warlock took care of himself and was well.</p><p>“Take my strength if you need to. Now and anytime,” Alec offered seriously, moving his hand from his cheek to clash one of Magnus’ hands in his, nodding to indicate he could take some of his strength now so he could feel better.</p><p>Magus looked stricken at the very idea; he would rather die than take energy from Alec in his current state. “Darling, you are exhausted!”</p><p>“I would be fine,” Alec insisted, nodding his head for emphasis. He would gladly give all of his strength to Magnus if it meant he was safe.</p><p>“If any Warlock, Magnus included, needs any strength they can take from me. Alec is off limits!” Jace declared firmly, frowning at the mere thought of Alec being drained like that and his eyes cast daggers at the only two Warlocks in the vicinity – Magnus and Lorenzo – to let them know that no one would be going anywhere near Alec for this.</p><p>“Besides, surely my pure angel blood would give me an extra push; I can much easier bear it than anyone else,” Jace reminded everyone, his tone a bit softer as he forced himself to relax his protectiveness of Alec a bit and remember that the two Warlocks present had also just saved Alec and him.</p><p>“Thank you both but at the moment that isn’t necessary so let’s try and keep it at that,” Magnus said firmly.</p><p>“I am also fine with offering my strength to you or Lorenzo or anyone else,” Andrew said, earning him a headshake and a disapproving look from Lorenzo filled with concern.</p><p>“No one is taking energy from you,” Lorenzo denied firmly to his boyfriend. “The battle has been draining on you as well.”</p><p>“And I can offer that too of course,” Izzy added, just in case anyone were in doubt.</p><p>“And I….” Clary started to say.</p><p>“Ok, ok! Thanks everyone but no more offers of energy transfer for tonight, ok?” Magnus interrupted sternly, stopping any others from offering themselves and putting a finger to the bridge of his nose. He was both flattered and overwhelmed by how all the Shadowhunters seemed to stand in line to offer themselves up like this.</p><p>“But you will let me know if I can help you, right?” Alec asked of him and Magnus nodded, his expression softening.</p><p>“Of course, darling.”</p><p>“Good,” Alec said softly, unsure what else to say.</p><p>Alec lowered his gaze, feeling unsure how to act now that he was calmer regarding Magnus’ health. He was suddenly unsure what to say or do after being back home after so many months. It was in some ways like getting to know Magnus again and in other ways everything was so very familiar about him; his smell, his touch, his smile.</p><p>“Does anyone want any food?” Magnus offered, concerned for Alec’s physical health as well as his mental state. He looked so weak and fragile. He would ask Catarina to check both Jace and Alec out tomorrow, physically and mentally. She would also be able to help regarding a proper nourishment plan. For now, he would have to wing it and do whatever felt right.</p><p>“I feel a bit too overwhelmed to eat right now. Maybe a bit later,” Jace responded honestly and looking at Alec, seeing him struggle to take it all in, he added, “I think we both feel like that. It’s all a bit much. Tomorrow everything will be better.”</p><p>The last was said almost wishfully; as if a night’s sleep would suddenly make the feeling of being out of place, out of touch disappear. Jace knew he was here, he was holding Clary and yet it didn’t quite feel real. None of this felt real. Jace suddenly felt very overwhelmed and drained.</p><p>With the adrenaline of the fight and the escape gone, Alec was starting to feel very tired, more tired than he had felt in his whole life. Jace and him had talked about being rescued, dreamed about it. Now that it had happened it felt…scary, like the ground had shifted and everything had changed. It had been a wonderful fantasy; to daydream about being rescued. But now it had happened…Alec suddenly felt very self-conscious, aware of how he had to look with bruises and cuts everywhere, how thin and frail he had become…even more than his physical appearance he felt everything on the inside had changed. Beginning waves of panic were starting to bubble to the surface and without realizing it, he was starting to hyperventilate.</p><p>“Alec!” Jace was at his side instantly, having sensed his distress through their bond and had let go of Clary at once to be at his side.</p><p>Clary gave Jace a puzzled and hurt look, having not seen anything wrong with Alec. She suddenly felt alone, cold and abandoned. She told herself she had no right to such feelings, but she couldn’t help it. She needed him; she wanted him close. Was that really that wrong? Shouldn’t she be allowed that, after such a long time worrying about him, searching for him?</p><p>Without another word Jace pulled Alec into a full embrace, his whole posture protective and strong as if his body itself was a shield. Alec was keenly aware that everyone was looking at them with worry and surprise. He caught Magnus’ eyes and feared Magnus would misunderstand but found only concern, love and understanding there, which released some of the tension he was feeling but only a little. He hid his face by Jace’s shoulder, wanting everything to go away now – wanting, needing everything to be quiet so he could regain his balance.</p><p>“I think we should leave now,” Lorenzo said softly, suddenly feeling like they were intruding.</p><p>Lorenzo’s voice seemed to echo in the suddenly quiet room that was only broken by Alec’s attempts to calm his breathing. Lorenzo looked at Magnus and the older Warlock nodded at him in thanks, a gesture Lorenzo accepted with a small smile.</p><p>“Yes. Anyone not staying here can leave but we all meet back here in three days for lunch, midday precisely; we need to talk about our next move. The rescue was only the beginning. We are still on the brink of war and we still need to get to the bottom of all of this,” Magnus ordered.</p><p>“Yeah…Call me if…If I can help with anything,” Andrew said uncomfortably, not sure how to act.</p><p>Lorenzo and him went over to Magnus and Alec to take their leave. Andrew reached out as if he wanted to touch Alec’s arm but instinctively Alec tried to shield away. The movement was small but noticeable and Jace gave Andrew a deadly stare as he tightened his arms around his parabatai, having felt Alec’s renewed feeling of panic. Andrew quickly backed away.</p><p>“Thanks…for everything,” Magnus said, shaking Lorenzo’s hand.</p><p>“Thank you….for introducing me to Andrew,” Lorenzo said simply, with a warm smile. Lorenzo looked at Andrew, beckoning him closer, “Come on, mi mas querido <em>[My most beloved]</em>.”</p><p>Underhill blushed and shook his head, a look between embarrassment and fondness in his eyes as he went to Lorenzo’s side. “Coming.”</p><p>Lorenzo opened up a portal and as they stepped towards it, Lorenzo drew Andrew close in a sideways embrace, his arm around the man’s waist in a possessive gesture as he whispered in his ear, “You blush so prettily, my little Shadowhunter. Let’s go home so I can show you how much I love calling you mine.”</p><p>A shiver of desire ran through Andrew; the adrenaline of fighting always made him horny and he really needed something else to think about other than what had happened to the two Shadowhunters and what better distraction than to be fucked into the mattress by his very own Warlock?</p><p>With a last look at the people in the room whom Lorenzo and Andrew had gotten to know quite well in their rescue efforts the last few months, they disappeared through the portal and reappeared inside Lorenzo’s giant mansion.</p><p>“I will leave too. Call me if you need me for anything,” Luke said to everyone but his eyes were on Clary. “Anything at all,” he added when he went to Clary and hugged her, having sensed her uneasiness and her struggle to remain strong and calm in the light of her turbulent feelings.</p><p>Clary nodded. “I will,” she promised, grateful for his support as always. He was in every sense her true father and she felt blessed she had him in her life.</p><p>Luke looked at everyone in the room in respect and acknowledgement before he left the old-fashioned way; using the front door.</p><p>“Padre, llámame si me necesitas <em>[father, call me if you need me]</em>”, Raphael said after he had blurred with super speed to stand before Magnus.</p><p>Magnus nodded, his expression soft and his tone warm, “Lo haré. Gracias por tu ayuda <em>[I will. Thank you for your help]</em>.”</p><p>Raphael nodded and gave a rare small smile before he blurred away.</p><p>Magnus looked at Alec with concern, thinking of things that had helped himself when he had experienced something traumatic.</p><p>“Darling, do you want to take a shower and then have a change of clothes?” Magnus suggested softly.</p><p>Alec nodded against Jace’s shoulder. Having fewer people in the room had helped with his breathing but everything still felt too much. He felt exhausted and very embarrassed at feeling like he was at the center of attention. He needed space, needed to breathe.</p><p>“Could you all just give us some space?” Jace asked, sensing Alec’s mood and feeling the same.</p><p>“We will go to the kitchen. I can prepare some food for you in case you decide you can eat afterwards,” Magnus offered, making a motion to get everyone to follow him.</p><p>Izzy and Simon went into the living room after Izzy had cast one more worried look at her brother. Magnus paused, hesitant. He could deal with physical injuries; most of those could be healed with magic. But what Jace and Alec were going through….that he couldn’t magically heal.</p><p>“Shall I…?” Magnus asked softly, hesitantly, looking from Alec to Jace and then back again.</p><p>Jace shook his head. “I’ll help him,” he said firmly. “I could use a shower myself.”</p><p>Magnus nodded understanding. After what they had been through it was clear it was difficult for them to be separated.</p><p>Clary went to lay a comforting hand on Jace’s arm, a little confused at what was happening but trying to understand.</p><p>“I will be here. Let me know if you need me,” she said softly. The compassion in her eyes and voice was almost too much for Jace to bear.</p><p>“Ok,” Jace nodded but had difficulty meeting her gaze.</p><p>She tried to smile in encouragement but it just looked sad.</p><p>When she had gone to the kitchen to join Magnus, Simon and Izzy and they were finally at least somewhat alone again Jace held Alec for a bit longer. Then he drew back when he felt the panic coming off Alec in waves had lessened and his breathing had steadied.</p><p>“Shall we go shower? And find some new clothes?” Jace asked with a smile.</p><p>Alec nodded mutely and let Jace drag him into the nearest bathroom, his hand around his right wrist as he guided him there. Jace undressed them both with the gentle but professional hands of a nurse and the care of a big brother. Alec felt like he should be caring for Jace like this; he was the oldest after all, but he didn’t have the strength. Before all this happened it would have seemed weird to shower with Jace, to be this close, this intimate. Now it gave both of them strength. Thankfully, Magnus had a really large bathroom with a big shower with two showerheads that easily and comfortably fitted them both, each standing under a water spray, Jace keeping a sharp eye on Alec to be sure he was ok to stand on his own.</p><p>Standing under the water brought life back into Alec’s eyes and expression and he was able to soap himself. They both enjoyed the feeling of the water running over them; they hadn’t had a real shower or real soap since they had been captured. The simple pleasure, at finally being in a shower, soaped, feeling clean, made everything seem real and really seemed to bring everything crashing down for Jace. Unknown to him tears were running down his cheeks but thanks to the steady stream of water no one could tell. However, Alec had felt it and gave his nearest arm a reassuring squeeze. They stayed inside the shower for a long time, hoping the water would also wash away the memories of what had happened.</p><p>While in captivity Jace had gotten used to Alec’s scarred and increasingly more frail looking body and it had become normal to him but seeing it here, outside…it made it all seem more real. They stayed under the water until it started getting cold. They both felt better after the shower and were relieved to see new clothes, long sleeve shirts and long pants, all made from a warm and soft material that felt very comfortable, had appeared by magic outside the shower for them. After they dressed, they both went to the kitchen. This time it was Alec who gave Jace a reassuring smile and touched his shoulder in support before they went to face their family and friends.</p><p>When Alec and Jace entered the room, silence fell over their friends. Jace looked defiantly at everyone while Alec became uncertain, wishing he could hide somewhere. He felt ashamed at what had happened; what he had let happen. He wasn’t ready for this. There were still too many people!</p><p>“Alexander!” Magnus came towards him, a warm but concerned smile on his face, arms open to embrace him.</p><p>Alec instinctively moved closer to Jace, overwhelmed by it all. By instinct Jace moved his body in front of Alec, shielding him. The movement wasn’t lost on any of them and Magnus stopped where he stood. Though he understood the behavior it still hurt him to see Alec shy away from him, but Magnus quickly cursed himself for his lack of patience. A shower and fresh clothes might have made him, Izzy and Simon feel better at looking at the parabatai brothers but it didn’t change what had happened to them or how they felt about it.</p><p>“You mentioned food?” Jace said to try and force the attention on to something else. After the shower he had discovered he was indeed hungry and he guessed Alec was too.</p><p>“Yes, yes. Of course,” Magnus said with a forced smile to hide his worry and concern, indicating the decked table with a wave of his hand.</p><p>Jace and Alec’s mouths watered at the sight; having lived off little else than porridge, bread and water since their capture the amount of food – everything from meats, fruits, breads, potatoes, salads…it was overwhelming.</p><p>“Jace?” Clary said questioningly, clearly wanting to reach for him but unsure if she would be given Alec’s reaction to Magnus.</p><p>“I’m OK,” Jace reassured her with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.</p><p>However, despite his words to her, he did nothing to move towards her and she got the message that she shouldn’t move closer.</p><p>“I really wish everyone would stop saying they are ‘ok’ all the time,” the redhead mumbled irritated, pained.</p><p>“Let’s eat and I can update you on how we found you,” Magnus said to force the conversation on to something else, his tone carefully neutral.</p><p>Jace and Alec gave Magnus relieved looks at helping to make this easier. They started to sit around the table; Alec sat down and Magnus seated himself to his left side. Simon was about to take the chair nearest to him, next to Alec but both Jace and Magnus saw how it made him involuntarily flinch and shield a bit away, closer to Magnus. Jace cast the vampire a murderous look while Magnus gave him a warning look.</p><p>“Simon, why don’t you sit next to Clary? I am certain Jace wants to sit next to his brother and Izzy would like to sit next to Jace,” Magnus said, his tone light, casual, knowing Simon had meant no offence but there was strength in it, making it clear Simon should not even consider thinking his words were actually a suggestion.</p><p>Magnus had barely spoken before Jace sat down next to Alec, scanning him to check he was alright and was relieved to see he was. Alec mostly looked annoyed and angry with himself; what was he doing? This was Simon for crying aloud! Despite seeing Alec was ok Jace still felt his protectiveness reawakened and he cast Simon looks that could kill once in a while.</p><p>Clary was saddened that she didn’t get to sit next to Jace, that Jace hadn’t insisted to sit next to her. Instead sat next to Izzy, the closest she could come to Jace. She tried not to show how sad and disappointed she was; she told herself she had no right to feel this way. Of course Izzy would want to be as close to her brothers as she could come and of course Jace would worry for his parabatai. It was expected. It was normal. It was ok. It was just….it really didn’t feel ok. She didn’t feel ok. She should. She had no right to these feelings. She tried to force it all away but was only partly successful. She knew that as her oldest friend Simon would notice the pain and lost look in her eyes.</p><p>Simon looked embarrassed and did as Magnus told him, sitting next to Clary. Seeing she looked sad, he squeezed her hand reassuringly.</p><p>“Of course, of course. I should have thought of that. So sorry,” Simon babbled self-consciously.</p><p>Alec couldn’t look at Magnus, feeling embarrassed that he had had to say that. This was Simon; he wouldn’t hurt him. But removed from the confines of the ship he felt himself having instinctively fearful reactions he couldn’t control. He had known the rules on the ship; he had known Peter wouldn’t allow a repeat of the attempted rape if Jace and him did as they were told. He knew Peter would only punish them if they had failed or disobeyed. Here…here there were no rules and that suddenly seemed frightening. He was grateful that it seemed only Magnus and Jace had noticed what had happened.</p><p>“Dig in, darling,” Magnus said with a warm tone, waving a hand over the food and drinks, wanting to take Alec’s mind off his dark memories.</p><p>Magnus proceeded to explain how they had found them and his concern that maybe Peter’s unit wasn’t the only one. Despite the serious topic, Magnus kept it light, not explaining how he had extracted information and not going into any details to avoid any potential triggers for Jace or Alec.</p><p>Soon the conversation turned light as everyone tried to force normality and Clary, Izzy and Simon relayed gossip and funny stories. Though everyone laughed when they should no one was genuinely amused. However, it made the time pass and everyone ate.</p><p>Jace and Alec were first hesitant but then started eating like there was no tomorrow. Seeing wine on the table both men took several glasses, emptying them quickly, which helped both men relax and be a bit more at ease. The speed with which both men had refilled their glasses, rivaling Magnus’ drinking speed, earned them disapproving and slightly worried looks from Clary. Magnus, however, did nothing of the sort – not only did he himself drink heavily but he had grown up and lived most of his life during times where almost any and all ailments a man had could be cured with either drink or a good fuck. He would be the last to say anything; a man sometimes needed something to get through the day. He understood that better than most for he had many hundreds of years of inner demons and painful memories to deal with.</p><p>When dinner was over and everyone was fighting to keep awake, Jace and Alec more than most, Magnus cleaned up with a snap of his fingers. Izzy and Simon said their goodnights, Izzy explaining to Jace and Alec that her bedroom was just upstairs and that they should just call if there was anything. Then she hugged everyone and thankfully managed to pull Simon away with her before he even attempted to hug anyone else than Clary.</p><p>“We should all get some sleep. Jace, I made up the guest bedroom for you and Clary, the one upstairs that you used, Jace, last time you were living here. I conjured up a room for Isabelle right next to it,” Magnus explained as the four of them made their way to the living room, Magnus holding around Alec’s waist while Jace had taken Clary by the hand.</p><p>Odd how five months of separation made these gestures, holding hands, touching each other, which used to be normal feel…almost forced. Magnus, for his part, did his best to go slow, understanding that Alec needed time to adjust, they both did. Clary, however, was tired of waiting; she wanted things to go back to how they had been before and forced herself to ignore those feelings telling her to slow down.</p><p>“Thanks so much, Magnus,” Clary said with a smile, squeezing Jace’s hand happily. Finally, they would be able to have a moment to themselves.</p><p>Alec felt a wave of panic at the words; Jace and him hadn’t been separated except for when things had gotten really bad for all the months of their captivity. It had become a conditional fear; separation meant they could not be sure the other was safe. He tried to fight it; it was stupid, he was safe, Jace was safe. He was home; they were here, together. Jace would be just upstairs; Hell, he knew from when Jace had lived at the loft the last time that sound carried quite clearly – he would hear it if Jace was not ok and Jace would hear him. Even if they wouldn’t hear each other they would feel it; through the bond. Peter was dead; they were <strong>all</strong> dead.</p><p>Magnus noticed the look of growing panic and fear on Alec’s face and how he tried not to keep looking at Jace. Magnus then looked at Jace. He was doing a better job at hiding his feelings but his eyes were clouded, worried.</p><p>Before Alec could say something Jace spoke up, feeling Alec’s growing panic through their bond where it mixed with his own feelings of anxiety and fear. He didn’t like the idea of not being able to see Alec. Throughout their captivity, Jace had learned the hard way that if he couldn’t see for himself that his parabatai was safe and unharmed it meant he wasn’t and he had sworn he would never let anything bad happen to Alec <strong>ever</strong> again.</p><p>“No,” Jace said softly, strongly.</p><p>Jace looked down momentarily, trying to find strength but then looked Magnus in the eyes and his expression was pure steel, overshadowing the worry, making it clear he would not be moved on this.</p><p>“No, what?” Magnus asked confused, looking from Jace to Alec but neither man would elaborate.</p><p>Jace just shook his head stubbornly; embarrassment coloring his cheeks but his posture had gone defensive, his free hand forming a fist at his side and the other holding Clary’s hand almost painfully tight. Alec looked down, shyly, embarrassed but equally unmoving on this, his body tense under Magnus’ hand.</p><p>“Well…I can make up a bed in Alec and mine bedroom for you and Clary,” Magnus offered, guessing at the reason for the strong reaction from both Alec and Jace, looking from one to the other to see if he had guessed correctly.</p><p>Jace nodded in relief and Alec visibly relaxed.</p><p>“What? Why?” Clary asked surprised, her voice almost a whine.</p><p>This wasn’t fair; Jace was back with her so why should she keep sharing him? When was it her time, their time? Why couldn’t things just go back to how they had been before? She just wanted things to be normal, to be alright.</p><p>“Clary, go get some more bedding. You know where it is,” Magnus requested, noticing both Alec and Jace stiffening at her voice.</p><p>Clary and the others who had helped rescue Jace and Alec had either moved in at the loft or had moved in while they had researched how to be able to find them and later when they had laid their battle plan to rescue them. Clary knew Magnus’ loft by now almost as well as he did; she had even cooked for all of them on many an occasion.</p><p>At Clary’s stubborn look Magnus added softly, “Please.”</p><p>Whether it was his tone or the pleading look in his eyes that did it, Magnus didn’t know, but Clary sighed a bit frustrated before she gave Jace a light kiss on the cheek. Then she left to get the bedding. It was a pointless task as Magnus could make the bed with magic but he needed her to cool off a little.</p><p>With a snap of his fingers Magnus had magiced a bed to appear in the bedroom next to the one he had shared with Alec before his capture and had shifted furniture around so they stood side by side. Luckily, Magnus had a large bedroom and if more space was needed; well, magic could do that too. The twin beds had a little space between them, about the width from a man’s elbow to his fingers. Magnus had chosen that distance on purpose so if Alec or Jace would need physical contact they only needed to reach out. Some men might have been jealous of the thought that their lover would need to touch someone else if they were frightened, but Magnus understood the bond created not only between parabatai but also between prisoners of war. It was an unbreakable bond of love and brotherhood forged in blood and pain and he had the utmost understanding and respect of it; having been in more than enough wars to understand it – having even felt something similar to his own brothers and sisters in arms throughout his long lifetime.</p><p>Alec smiled at him then in gratitude for his understanding. He touched Magnus’ cheek with a hesitant and tender gesture, as if he was afraid he was made of glass or wasn’t sure whether he was real or not. Magnus’ eyes widened in surprise at the gesture, unsure how much physical contact Alec would be comfortable with and when, but then tenderness and warmth filled his gaze as he eagerly leaned into the touch, more than willing to let Alec set the pace when it came to be physical again.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alec said softly before he withdrew his hand, blushing in embarrassment at both his need to have Jace close by and at being so close to Magnus.</p><p>After five months apart it was almost as if they were back where they had started and Alec felt more self-conscious and not good enough than ever before, keenly aware of how broken he looked and felt. A part of Alec knew this wasn’t normal, he shouldn’t need or want Jace to share his bedroom with him but he hadn’t slept without him for more than five months. They had survived Hell together and a part of them both was still stuck there.</p><p>Magnus nodded, his heart breaking for the pain his lover had been through and his eyes and voice held only unending love when he spoke, “No need to thank me, Alexander. I love you. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”</p><p>Alec nodded and got out, his voice small and mumbled, “I love you too,” but his eyes were on the floor as he spoke.</p><p>Surely Magnus didn’t really mean <strong>anything</strong>…what if neither he nor Jace ever felt comfortable being out of sight again? Surely Magnus…and Clary for that matter, would get tired of never having privacy?</p><p>“Alexander, look at me,” Magnus asked softly. He reached for him but stopped shy of touching him without warning, not wanting to spook him. He pulled the hand back and simply smiled warmly, lovingly at him when Alec finally looked at him, his eyes huge and filled with fear of rejection and condemnation.</p><p>“I mean it. <strong>Anything</strong>,” Magnus repeated seriously.</p><p>“Anything?” Alec asked hesitantly, uncertainly.</p><p>Magnus nodded, a lump in his throat at how vulnerable Alec looked not just physically but also emotionally. He then forced a smile, trying to lighten the mood by saying, “Besides, how could I possibly mind sharing my bedroom with not one but <strong>three</strong> lovely people, all of whom I care for deeply?”</p><p>Alec gave a small smile but it never reached his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he would ever really smile again.</p><p>When Clary returned with the bedding Magnus magically made the bed. He then let Alec and Jace get ready for bed first, having magically made pajamas appear on the bed for both of them, having correctly guessed they would both feel more comfortable being fully covered at all times, at least for now.</p><p>While Jace and Alec got ready for bed Meliorn and Catarina appeared through a portal in his living room and Magnus went to debrief them, more or less forcing Clary to go with him and let the parabatai get ready for bed alone. Catarina explained everything had gone as planned and the ship had been blown up and everyone on it still left alive had been killed in the explosion. The vampires had returned to the Hotel and the Seelies had returned to their own realm while the remaining Warlocks went home.</p><p>Magnus conjured up a room for Catarina to stay the night so she could have a look at Jace and Alec in the morning before she had to return home to Madzie who was being babysat by a friend. Meliorn went to say hi to Izzy before he left for the Seelie realm and Magnus was happy to see they had managed to get a hold of quite a few documents which could help clarify the Mundane involvement and maybe even name a few names of any Shadowhunters involved. Magnus gave the documents to some of his people on duty in the ops room before Clary and him went to the bedroom to get ready for bed.</p><p>Getting to bed had been awkward for Clary and she had felt very uncomfortable; not used to sleeping in a room with her lover, his brother and said brother’s lover. Magnus had acted like it was normal to have three people in his bedroom but then to be fair – he had had far more people not only in his bedroom but in his bed with him in some of his wilder moments so it took a lot more than that to embarrass him. Clary got her sleepwear from the other bedroom and they took turns in the bathroom; Clary and Magnus shutting and locking the door when they went while Jace and Alec only closed the door, leaving a clear line of light and space and both men only closed the door as an afterthought. During their captivity closing doors hadn’t really been something they had had to worry about.</p><p>Clary and Jace had already been in their bed together, Magnus lying in the other when Alec had existed the bathroom as the last one, stopping to look at the beds to decide where to go. Jace had laid down nearest the other bed, Clary using his chest as a pillow. Seeing Alec exit the bathroom made Jace visibly relax even though they had all been able to hear him rummaging around in the other room.</p><p>Without Alec having to ask Magnus scooted over so Alec could climb into bed from the end of it and lie closest to the other bed so that Jace and him were within reach of each other. Knowing they were close enough to touch if they needed to seemed to relax both men.</p><p>Sighing in satisfaction Jace tightened his arms around Clary and kissed the top of her head while Alec shyly turned his back to Jace and hesitantly laid his head on Magnus’ shoulder. Magnus reached an arm around his back and took his hand in his with the other, taking it to his lips and kissing it tenderly. The loving and romantic gesture made Alec blush and smile lovingly at him, amazed at the admiration and love in Magnus’ gaze even now – now that Alec felt so different and broken and yet in Magnus’ eyes he saw himself as he had once been.</p><p>Magnus smiled back, overjoyed to finally have Alec back in his arms. Magnus kept holding Alexander’s hand throughout the night and despite knowing they would have a long road back, Magnus was smiling in his sleep. Alec was back with him and he would never again allow any harm to come to him and together they could overcome anything!</p><p>At some point during the night Jace awoke, his heart hammering and his eyes panicked as he for a moment didn’t recognize the person lying against him; this wasn’t Alec. Where was Alec?! Was he safe? He calmed down when he saw him and tried to get his breathing back under control. They had been rescued; he was with Clary. Everything was ok. Alec sensed his panic and turned around, giving Jace a reassuring smile that lit up the dark room. He reached out his hand towards him and Jace eagerly took it, holding on to it, reassuring himself Alec was here and safe. Magnus turned in his sleep to hold an arm around Alec, spooning him from behind, the smile on the Warlock’s lips never fading. They slept like that for the rest of the night, Jace never letting go of Alec’s hand.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback and kudos is much loved and motivates me to keep writing on this story so if you enjoyed it please do let me know. Thank you. Hugs and love<br/>If you have not read the prequel story "Enemy of the State" here https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984 then I would be happy if you did and left some kudos or feedback over there if you liked it. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Morning After</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alec has a flashback, Magnus help him plan revenge, Jace and Clary get into a fight....The morning after shows there is still a long way to go.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to Cindy to great beta as always!<br/>This chapter is 21 pages long; sorry but it could not get any shorter. My other long WIP Malec fic "Captive Angels; Victorious Demons" must be influencing me as those chapters are usually around 30 pages!<br/>Chapter warnings: Flashback, mention of past torture and past attempted rape, talk of revenge, talk of killing and torturing more bad guys which most of our heroes is ok with.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings. I strongly suggest you read the prequel "Enemy of the State" here <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984">https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984</a> but you don't have to read that story to read and follow this one.</p><h1>
<a id="_Toc32511449" name="_Toc32511449"></a>Chapter 3: The Morning After</h1><p>The morning had started well. Both Jace and Alec had slept for almost ten hours, exhausted beyond belief. By the time they both awoke Magnus and Clary had gotten up and were in the kitchen. They had a moment of panic until they saw each other and remembered where they were. Jace used the bathroom first, leaving the door wide open as neither Clary nor Magnus was nearby and Alec and him had long ago forgotten about boundaries, feeling the security of knowing each other was safe was much more important. After having showered and dressed in the fresh clothes Magnus had magic’ed for him Jace went to the kitchen to find Clary, leaving the bedroom door halfway open so he could easily hear Alec and see him if he moved across the room.</p><p>It was Magnus who found Alec around ten minutes later. He had heard the shower had stopped a few minutes before and just wanted to see Alec and ensure himself all was well. When Magnus entered the bedroom it was clear all wasn’t well. Alec was sitting on the floor, backed all the way into the far corner of the room, hyperventilating, his eyes unseeing, wearing only a towel around his waist, his hair wet from the shower, shaking slightly, his hands fisted.</p><p>Magnus had to flight back tears, his breath catching in his throat when he saw how thin Alec was, his bones visible under the skin. What was more was how his skin was now decorated with scars and even some old bruises of different color. There were some long marks around his shoulders and torso and Magnus had lived long enough to recognize it as whip marks as whipping used to be a quite common form of corporial punishment. The lash would often wrap itself around the body so that it would leave a few imprints on the front of the body like this.</p><p>Seeing Alec like this, wearing on his body the clear evidence of the torture he had sustained, Magnus felt waves and waves of overwhelming guilt and self-hatred so strong it was almost physical objects in the room with them over not having saved Alec sooner. However, Magnus forced himself to push those feelings aside. Managining to done that he next forced aside his sympathy and concern. This was about Alec; it was not about him. Alec needed him to be strong and to be there for him.</p><p>Magnus approached him slowly, trying to appear as unthreatening as possible. He showed his palms to show they were empty, approaching him like one would a scared wild animal.</p><p>“Alexander?” Magnus asked softly. “It’s me, darling.”</p><p>Alec heard the voice from somewhere but didn’t react, couldn’t. His mind was stuck somewhere else, back in that room, lying on that table, John standing behind him, Jace helpless on the floor. God, he couldn’t move! Why couldn’t he move? Was that Magnus’ voice? Was he here too? No, no,no! Would they hurt him too? Would he see this? The mere thought made him panic even further.</p><p>Magnus was unsure what Alec was seeing or experiencing but knew he wasn’t seeing him.</p><p>“Jace! Get in here. <strong>Now</strong>!” Magnus yelled over his shoulder, thinking that since Jace had been with Alec during his captivity maybe his presence, his voice, would be a better help in getting him out of the nightmare he had become trapped in.</p><p>Magnus had not needed to yell for him; Jace had felt Alec’s increasing panic through their bond.</p><p>“What’s wrong?! What happened? I can feel Alec is agitated, ”Jace asked worried, concern clear in his eyes as he entered the bedroom, having almost run to get there.</p><p>Jace didn’t notice the lost and wounded look in Clary’s eyes when he again had left her behind to get to Alec without a word of explaination, this time while she was halfway through preparing breakfast for everyone.</p><p>“I don’t know what happened. I came in here to see if everything was alright and found him like this,” Magnus explained softly, staying about a meter away from Alec, not wanting to move closer in case Alec might be in the clutches of a painful flashback and would thus be unable to recognize him.</p><p>It was clear to both men that whenever Alec was seeing it was painful; he was making small whimpered sounds that he tried to hold back and drew further back into the corner. Magnus’ heart was breaking at seeing him like this and he felt useless; for all his powers and influence there wasn’t anything here he could heal with magic or protect him from with a fireball. He wanted to take Alec’s pain away but he couldn’t snap his fingers or raise his hands and fix this magically. It pained him beyond words to know Alec would have to recover the old fashioned, and slow, way when it came to this.</p><p>“I will talk to him,” Jace said, his voice strong and sure as he walked up to where Magnus was standing, his eyes on Alec, clouded with worry and concern.</p><p>“Can I help?” Magnus offered, feeling helpless and he hated that feeling. He didn’t want to leave Alec like this; he wanted to help, to do something.</p><p>Jace spared him a small reassuring smile as he said, “It’s OK, just go.”</p><p>Magnus nodded mutely, knowing Jace was right; he could be there for Alec in other ways. He couldn’t be there for him with this. With one last look at Alec Magnus left the room, closing the door behind him softly to give them some sense of privacy.</p><p>Jace took a blanket from the bed and slowly moved closer to Alec. He put it on the floor by the wall next to Alec. With slow movements he sat down upon it, keeping an arm’s length between them. Alec hadn’t pulled away, seeming to recognize Jace somehow but he hadn’t calmed down either, nor moved closer. His eyes still seemed far away, his expression fearful and cautious.</p><p>“Hey, buddy. It’s me,” Jace said quietly, looking at him, trying to create an environment that felt safe and familiar to Alec; sitting together on a blanket with their backs against the wall.</p><p>Jace hoped it would help calm Alec down and get his thoughts away from the moment he was stuck in. Whenever they had sat like this in the cell, that had been the times they had felt safe, together.</p><p>Jace started talking, softly, slowly, just saying random things, letting Alec hear his voice but maintained his distance. It took a few moments but slowly color returned to Alec’s cheeks and he blinked a few times, his expression now more confused that anything else.</p><p>“J...Jace?” There was hesitation in Alec’s voice but also beginning recognition; he knew that voice. The voice that had offered comfort and strength through the pain.</p><p>“Yeah. I’m here,” Jace said softly and reached out a hand towards Alec but didn’t touch him.</p><p>Alec’s eyes took on more focus, more recognition. Seeing Jace next to him against the wall, the blanket under him…. That scene was familiar; this meant it was safe. Alec took Jace’s hand without hesitation and pulled the younger man closer and into an embrace, tightening his grip almost painfully around Jace as if clinging for life, putting his head by his shoulder, fighting to get his breathing under control. He didn’t know he was crying, relieved that he was back here in this moment, that the nightmare of John and what he had threatened to do was no longer there, making him feel almost lightheaded.</p><p>“Shh, it’s OK. I’ve got you,” Jace mumbled softly, calmingly into Alec’s dark hair, stroking him, holding him, like he had done back in their cell. His arms were strong and warm around Alec’ frame, offering comfort and protection.</p><p>Jace fought to keep projecting strength and calm; he didn’t want Alec to see how much it pained him to see his brother hurt like this. He had to be strong; he hadn’t been tortured like Alec had. He hadn’t almost been raped. He had no right to feel like he wanted to cry too. He had been fine; compared to Alec he had gotten off easy. Alec had to know he was here for him; always. He <strong>could not</strong> fail Alec again; he <strong>would not</strong> fail Alec again. <strong>Never again</strong>!</p><p>They sat like that for what felt like forever but was likely only minutes. Jace felt through the bond as Alec’s anxiety and panic left him before he saw it. With an embarrassed smile Alec drew back from Jace, avoiding his eyes, wiping his cheeks hastily.</p><p>“Hi,” Alec said sheepishly and gave a soft smile and their eyes finally met; now Alec seemed to really see him and with that also seemed to remember where he was; not back at the cell with Jace but here, at Magnus’ loft. Saved. Home.</p><p>“There’s you are, buddy,” Jace said softly, warmly, his worry and concern finally fading a little.</p><p>Alec smiled shyly, looking away in embarrassment. “Sorry.”</p><p>Jace gently turned Alec’s face back towards him, a hand on his chin.</p><p>“Hi…no. Don’t ever be sorry, okay?” Jace asked softly, his voice holding only tenderness and he sent those same feelings through their bond at Alec and felt Alec’s love and gratitude for him back.</p><p>Jace released his hold on his chin and Alec looked at him then, blushing. “I just feel so….weak.”</p><p>Jace shook his head in denial. “You are <strong>not</strong> weak. You are the strongest person I know.”</p><p>“Yeah, right,” Alec snorted, sounding more than a little skeptical, his eyes finding a spot on the floor to focus on, fearing to see something he didn’t want to see in Jace’s eyes.</p><p>Alec knew it was unlikely, given everything they had been through, that Jace would resent him now, but his own insecurities wouldn’t let it slide, couldn’t just accept that this wasn’t an issue. He was a Shadowhunter; he was supposed to be strong, always.</p><p>“Hey, look at me,” Jace requested and paused till Alec did so, his eyes showing the fear of rejection he couldn’t quite hide.</p><p>“I mean it. What you endured, what you did…” Jace paused again as memories threatened to overpower him but he forced it down and boxed it away like he did with all his bad memories.</p><p>“Yes?” Alec asked with a hint of apprehension and worry when he didn’t continue.</p><p>Jace shook his head. “I couldn’t have done that.”</p><p>“Of course you could,” Alec quickly insisted in a strong and sure tone.</p><p>There was nothing Alec would ever think Jace could not do. Jace was after all faster, stronger, better than anyone else. The best Shadowhunter born in this generation and frankly…likely in several generations.</p><p>Alec hesitated and looked away, his gaze uncertain and filled with self-loathing as he said softly, “Besides…if you hadn’t been there I…”</p><p>“But I was,” Jace interrupted him, his voice strong and unwavering.</p><p>Alec nodded grimly. He hated himself for knowing that he would be forever grateful that he hadn’t had to endure the Hell they had been through alone. He knew it was selfish but he couldn’t help it. He was quite certain he would never have survived without Jace there with him. How fucked up was that? That he actually was grateful his own brother had suffered with him?! Damn; he was a horrible person and an even worse brother! Jace deserved so much better than this broken shell he had become.</p><p>“You were there for me, my parabatai, my brother, even if I wish you had not suffered like that,” Alec said emotionally, having to look away as he spoke, his words so quiet Jace almost didn’t hear him.</p><p>In those words lay all of Alec’s gratitude, love and commitment to their bond and brotherhood, in the past, now and forever as well as all of his pain and loathing, all of his conflict about what they had endured.</p><p>“I will always be there for you. I am sorry you suffered like you did,” Jace said seriously, promising the same back and in his response lay all of his own love and affection for his brother as well as his own pain, loathing and agony over his own perceived failings as a brother at having been unable to save Alec from the torture and agony he had suffered.</p><p>After a few more minutes in comfortable silence, the bond between them filled with affection and warmth, Jace could feel and see Alec had calmed down, his breathing steady and even. Jace gave Alec a quick hug before he untangled himself from Alec’s embrace and stood up.</p><p>Jace reached out a hand to help Alec to his feet, a mischievous smile on his lips as he tried to lighten the mood, “By now I think we are quite safe from being made to do any food preparation tasks so with that in mind should we join the others?”</p><p>Alec took his hand, letting Jace help him up with a small smile at the chivalrous gesture.</p><p>“They must think I am such an idiot,” Alec mumbled, flushing, as he suddenly became aware that Magnus and Clary would be waiting outside the room and worse; Magnus had seen him.</p><p>Alec remembered hearing Magnus’ voice in the midst of his flashback. Maybe Magnus would understand but would he still think well of him or would he think him weak and pathetic? And Clary…How could she possibly understand? The perfect girl with the loving family and the great Mundane childhood filled with love, laughter and play; everything he, and Jace, had never had. But then again, how could he expect anyone to understand? He wasn’t even sure he could explain what had triggered him to relive that moment with John, what had happened or how he could possibly ensure it wouldn’t happen again. One moment he had been leaving the bathroom and was doing ok, his mind blank as he went to find something to wear. Then something in the shadows of the room, something he couldn’t even quite explain but suddenly he had heard John’s voice, he had felt hands on his body, the table under him…he hadn’t been able to breathe, to think; unable to escape the Hell his mind had decided to pull him back into.</p><p>“No, they don’t!” Jace said strongly, certainly, his face set in determined lines. If anyone would even indicate they thought less of Alec for what he had been through Jace would make them regret it!</p><p>Jace’s certainty that Magnus and Clary would not think poorly of him now made Alec relax a little. He loved Magnus; he trusted him. He didn’t doubt his love and yet his own feelings of inadequacies and his own struggles with low self-esteem sometimes overruled what he knew to be true; that Magnus loved him.</p><p>Jace gave his parabatai a soft but somewhat teasing smile, again trying to lighten the mood as he said, “But you might want to put some clothes on. I am certain Magnus wouldn’t mind but I am somewhat particular to the competition for being the most handsome Shadowhunter in Clary’s eyes.”</p><p>It was a joke of course and Alec couldn’t help but smile a little before he realized Jace was serious; he was indeed just waving the towel he had wrapped around his waist after he had showered. He suddenly became embarrassed, keenly aware of his abused body, the scars all over it…and the fact that Jace was fully clothed and covered. When they had been captured, they had always seemed equal in their vulnerabilities; there had been no barriers between them and it was difficult to remember them now.</p><p>“Oh….<strong>Oh</strong>, yeah,” Alec got out, having completely forgotten.</p><p>He then suddenly remembered Magnus would have seen his body; he would have seen how broken and wrong he looked. How could he love him now? How could he desire…<strong>this</strong>?!</p><p>Jace chuckled, having missed the dark look on Alec’s face as he thought about what Magnus might think of him now. Jace found a black t-shirt on the bed and threw it at Alec who easily caught it. It could only be his brother’s; Magnus wouldn’t be caught dead with something that plain so Jace assumed Magnus had conjured it for him when he had come in to talk to him earlier. Alec quickly pulled it over his head. With the familiarly that only months of living together in a small cell gives Jace threw Alec the fresh underwear and socks that Magnus had also left on the bed. Alec wasn’t embarrassed when he caught it; after all Jace had seen him with basically nothing on, had nursed him, dressed him, cared for him, when he had been too weakened by some punishment or another to do it himself. Without even thinking Alec let the towel fall and put on the underwear and then the socks. Having done so Jace threw some plain jeans at him which Alec caught single handed without looking up. Finally fully dressed Alec looked at Jace and gave him a small smile, wanting the worrying lines on Jace’s face to disappear that he couldn’t quite hide, despite his attempts at joking.</p><p>“Thanks for…” Alec begin, embarrassed as he moved to stand next to Jace. Their eyes locked in silent understand for a moment.</p><p>Jace reached out and squeezed his shoulder, his other hand on the door handle. “Always.”</p><p>Jace let go of him as he opened the door and they entered the room together. Magnus was taking some warm bread rolls from the oven and Clary was putting some plates with bacon and eggs on the table. They both looked up when Alec and Jace started to walk over; Jace walking confidently as he instinctively scanned his surroundings for threats while Alec approached more cautiously, also scanning his environment for potential dangers and checking for the nearest exits should they all need to make a quick getaway. Alec looked intensely at Magnus and Clary, anxious to see how they would react. Alec was very grateful neither Clary nor Magnus commented on their absence and even more when neither ran to embrace him - he couldn’t take that right now. But they both smiled though only Magnus’ smile seemed to reach his eyes. Out of the cover of his eye Alec was aware that Jace was hovering close to him, close enough to be within touching distance, close enough for him to feel safe. Close enough for even Jace to calm down a little Alec noticed as he through their bond felt Jace relax even though he didn’t betray anything on his face; either his concern nor when he was able to relax a bit.</p><p>Seeing the real smile on Magnus’ face, the love in his eyes Alec relaxed and his earlier tension left him. Magnus didn’t seem disgusted with him, didn’t seem to have changed one bit in how he looked at him. That gave Alec courage and strength and he smiled widely at his boyfriend. Alec walked into the kitchen and leaned in close, kissing Magnus’ cheek affectionately while Magnus put the last bread in the breadbasket he was holding.</p><p>“This looks amazing. Thanks,” Alec said, smiling lovingly at Magnus as he pulled back.</p><p>Magnus beamed happily, his smile genuine. There was a small hint of worry deep in his eyes but it quickly faded in the light of seeing the affection on Alec’s face. It wasn’t that Magnus didn’t worry for Alec but Magnus knew from experience that trauma doesn’t define you; it is a part of you, yes. But it is not <strong>all</strong> of you. Sometimes just being together, normal, was needed. The darkness of the past was always there, ever present, but no one can work on ‘getting better’ 24/7.</p><p>“Why, thank you, Alexander,” Magnus said happily, the smile clear in his words and his whole face seemed to light up.</p><p>Alec smiled back as he saw that underneath his makeup Magnus looked less pale, less drained.</p><p>“You seem better today. Less drained,” Alec said with relief.</p><p>Magnus couldn’t help but feel touched by his concern for him; Alec was always worrying for others even when the one who had suffered most was himself.</p><p>“Having you back home gives me more strength than any energy transfer ever could,” Magnus said affectionately. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Alec said happily, smiling widely as he gave him a tender kiss on the lips, still astounded by the knowledge he was back with Magnus after so long, that he could actually kiss him again, taste his lips again.</p><p>He had dreamt of doing that so many nights during his capture. Being here now, being able to touch his lips now….it was overwhelming.</p><p>“Will you take the coffee over, darling?” Magnus asked as he took the breadbasket, giving Alec’s right hand a warm and loving squeeze.</p><p>Alec nodded and took the coffee with him to the dining table, happy for Magnus acting so normal around him.</p><p>“Where’s Izzy?” Alec asked when he sat down, Magnus sitting to his right side and Jace to his left.</p><p>Clary sat down next to Jace, feeling better now after he had returned with Alec because he had kissed her as soon as he had come over to her and had helped her put the last things on the table. It had almost felt normal; like it had been before he had been captured. She told herself she just needed to be patient. Jace had just gotten back yesterday. Soon it would be better. Alec clearly had been through something horrible and Jace, being the amazing man he was, the hero she knew him to be, he had obviously protected him and cared for him. Jace just needed to see Magnus was here now and would care for Alec and then Jace would have time for her again. In a few days things would settle down and they would be able to move into the guestroom together. This time around she would not let work or duty or war come between them. Her most important duty was to love Jace and his to return that love. They would finally do all those things they had always talked about but never had time to do before Jace had been captured. They could finally go on that picnic in the park she had always wanted or to that gallery she had wanted to show him and he could show her his favorite places in the city like he had wanted to do but they had never had time for….or go ice skating again or….</p><p>“Patrolling. Our enemies and demons don’t rest just because we got a victory,” Magnus explained and quickly reassured Alec and Jace when he saw their worried looks, “Andrew and Lorenzo are with her; if there is any trouble they can’t handle Lorenzo will portal them back.”</p><p>“Lorenzo Rey?” Alec asked to be sure they were thinking of the same Warlock, still getting to know him.</p><p>He had suspected Andrew was gay but had never pushed the issue as the Clave had a very clear ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy and not everyone would want to deal with the homophobic remarks coming out meant like he had done. So he had been surprised yesterday to see Andrew was apparently openly together with the Spanish Warlock. He was happy for him though; Andrew was a great guy. He deserved to be happy.</p><p>Magnus nodded. “Lorenzo is mostly here supporting my little rebellion for selfish reasons but believe me; if you put Andrew in the mix of anything I can guarantee you that Lorenzo won’t take any chances….<strong>at all</strong>! So she is quite safe with them.”</p><p>Jace and Alec visibly relaxed at hearing their sister was safe and Alec smiled a bit; happy to hear that Andrew’s boyfriend was protective towards him.</p><p>“Good. We need to get to the bottom of this whole thing as soon as possible and figure out who in Idris has been involved,” Alec said matter of fact as he filled his plate and took coffee and juice.</p><p>“My money is on Victor Aldertree. I owe him for my so called trial so I will just add this to the list,” Jace said darkly as he also filled his plate and took coffee and juice.</p><p>Jace and Alec shared a look of pure bliss as they tasted the food; they had almost forgotten how good food and drink like this was. It was heaven. Their stomachs had protested the sudden intake of so much food last night and new types of food compared to the plain food they had had during their captivity, but they had both ignored it; it was all too good and well worth some stomach pains to eat and drink it all!</p><p>“We should reinitiate the Council meetings for the Shadow World; I think it is more vital than ever to show that not all Shadowhunters are in league with people like Valentine or these Mundanes,” Alec said as he ate, occasionally touching Magnus’ nearest hand just to reassure himself Magnus was truly here and not another daydream.</p><p>Magnus smiled happily every time Alec touched his hand, the smile reassuring Alec he was loved just the way he was, right now, right here.</p><p>“Good idea, darling. I can arrange that,” Magnus offered, nodding approval of the idea.</p><p>Magnus could tell Alec needed to feel useful, needed to do something, and he was more than happy to oblige. Alec had a great strategic mind and he could use all the help he could get in winning this conflict with Idris in the best way possible.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alec said affectionately before kissing him tenderly, meaning for more than just the offer of helping to arrange the meeting; mostly thanking him for helping him feel more at ease.</p><p>When they drew apart again Alec could see in Magnus’ eyes that he knew precisely what he had thanked him for. Before his capture Alec had been a bit frightened by the knowledge his boyfriend had lived for hundreds of years and had seen basically everything there was to see, had experienced everything there was to experience. Now, he was grateful for it. It meant Magnus understood, he knew what Alec needed without him having to verbalize it and as a man who had problems with his words Alec felt greatly relieved by this.</p><p>“We also suspect Raj might be involved with having you both taken. While Victor became head of the Institute Raj became the highest ranking military officer at the Institute so they both gained by having you two out of the way,” Clary explained as she sipped her coffee before taking a bite of the bread with cheese she had made for herself.</p><p>Before anyone could respond to that Simon appeared, having used super speed to get there, standing now by the table. His sudden appearance made Alec instinctively flinch and withdraw in on himself while Jace turned towards the sound, tensing, his hands forming fists, instinctively moving closer to Alec. </p><p>Alec knew the fear he was feeling for Simon wasn't really for him and had nothing to do with him but his heart was still beating too fast and he had to fight to maintain his balance. With no one else to direct his fear and frustrations on Alec fought to hide his illogical and uncontrollable fear in anger and sarcasm. </p><p>“Who invited the vampire?” Alec got out dryly, forcing himself to relax, not wanting anyone to notice his weakness and what better way to ensure no one else saw his fear than to pick a fight? It had worked pretty well most of his life; he was sure it would work well now too.</p><p>“What?! Seriously?” Simon protested with a hurt look, not understanding why Alec was suddenly so mean to him, having not noticed the instinctive fear flickering across his face or hidden deep in his eyes that the sudden noise and his sudden appearance had brought to him.</p><p>“Hey! Don’t talk to him like that!” Clary protested angrily, giving Alec a warning look.</p><p>Simon had helped save Alec and Jace. How dared Alec speak like that to her oldest friend who had risked so much to help them? What an ungrateful reaction!</p><p>“I think you, Little Girl, should not speak on matters you know nothing about,” Alec cut her off with a hard and dry tone, giving her a warning look of his own, refusing to back down.</p><p>In the back of Alec’s mind he was angry with himself for talking back to her; not for her sake but for Jace’s who loved them both and would be caught between them but he couldn’t back down now. He couldn’t show weakness. He couldn’t admit to himself and least of all people like Simon and Clary that he had reactions and fears he couldn’t control.</p><p>“What?!” Clary said furiously, feeling hurt and offended they were back to this. She had risked everything too to help rescue them both.</p><p>Clary turned to Jace who had remained uncomfortably silent, sitting between them physically and metaphorically. Jace had seen Alec’s reaction and knew why he spoke the way he did; he understood he couldn’t show weakness and neither could he. He could and would never betray Alec by explaining to Simon and Clary why Alec had said what he had said; he would never expose him like that. Yet he didn’t want to see Clary upset either. If he supported Alec now he would betray his love for Clary but if he explained what had happened he would betray Alec. No matter what he did he would end up betraying one of the two people he loved most in the world.</p><p>“Jace! Why don’t…..” Clary started to ask of him, her eyes filled with hurt and pain, her voice angry and showing how betrayed she felt at his lack of defense of her when he remained silent.</p><p>When she had known him mere days he had defended her left and right, also to Alec, taking her side above his. Now…now the brothers had grown closer than ever before and she found Jace’s loyalties were no longer 100% focused on her and her alone.</p><p>“Simon, why don’t you sit down and you can give us your opinion on the Idris involvement,” Magnus interrupted Clary, giving her a strong look to let her know she should stop whatever she was about to say.</p><p>Clary fell silent with a hurt and annoyed look in her eyes, feeling sidelined.</p><p>“So…are we all just going to talk shop and pretend everything is fine?!” Simon asked disbelieving, annoyed on his own and Clary’s behalf, frustrated and not understanding what was going on.</p><p>“Jace, what do you think of all of this with the Clave involvement?” Magnus interrupted, this time silencing Simon with a stare, doing his best to lessen the increasing tension in the room.</p><p>Jace looked from Simon to Clary to Alec and then at Magnus.</p><p>“I think we should stop fighting among ourselves and go kill some bad guys,” Jace said darkly as he finished his breakfast.</p><p>“I’m sorry, man. I just wanted to help,” Simon said, looking from Alec to Jace and back again, unsure what precisely he had done wrong but wanting to make it clear he didn’t want to create conflict between them.</p><p>“I know, Simon,” Alec said and his tone was warm and friendly now but he couldn’t apologize, hoping Simon knew this was his apology, as much as he could do at the moment.</p><p>“It’s ok,” Simon said brightly, knowing what Alec was saying between the lines and accepting it.</p><p>Without thinking, Simon reached across the table as if to give Alec’s hand a squeeze but Alec chose that moment to take another sip of his coffee and Simon forgot his idea of touching him. Magnus noticed the movement and how expertly Alec had avoided the vampire’s touch. Magnus caught Jace’s eyes and knew that Jace had noticed too but he was certain no one else did. Despite the calm and strength Alec was projecting at the moment it was clear the nightmare he had been stuck in moments before was still lingering.</p><p>“So, tell me what you found on the ship,” Alec asked, getting the conversation back on track as he finished up his breakfast.</p><p>“The documents?” Magnus asked to be sure they were talking about the same thing.</p><p>Alec nodded.</p><p>“Yes,” Alec confirmed. “Any leads?”</p><p>“I had a look at them this morning together with Simon, Clarissa and Isabelle. There seem to have been two other Mundane units besides the one who took you. We have not found any other Mundane units so we are quite confident that is the extent of the Mundane involvement. Do you agree, Simon?” Magnus explained, looking at Simon.</p><p>Simon nodded. “I hacked the government databases and used the passwords Lorenzo got from his military lead. The money trail shows those are the only ones.”</p><p>“Do we have details? Number of personnel, location, weapons?” Jace asked, eager for the possibility for revenge.</p><p>“Yes. I have detailed lists from the databases I got access to and there are further details in the documents from the ship,” Simon told him.</p><p>Alec nodded in satisfaction at hearing this.</p><p>“Good. We should prepare an offensive,” Alec said darkly, almost smiling at the thought of getting rid of the rest of those bastards. Maybe then….maybe then he could finally rest a bit easier, knowing they were all gone.</p><p>Jace nodded grimly in agreement.</p><p>“Yes. We should take a few alive and extract information from them to see if they know who in Idris worked with them,” Jace said in a dark and sinister tone that promised horrible pain to those who had helped put his parabatai through Hell.</p><p>“We should aim for the high ranking officers; it’s more likely they have useful information. Simon’s intel can help us ID them,” Alec agreed menacingly, having absolutely no issue with the idea of hurting those who had helped hurt Jace.</p><p>Magnus nodded agreement to the plan, his cat eyes showing for a moment in his eagerness for revenge. Simon and Clary shared a troubled look, unable to believe their friends were talking about killing and….well, obviously also torturing, human beings so easily.</p><p>“We don’t know with certainty anyone in Idris helped them, do we?” Simon asked a bit shakenly, always willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.</p><p>“Of course someone helped them, Simon. Otherwise, they would not have known to take me first to get to Jace; they would not know of runes or the Shadow World. Someone is guilty and they will be found and dealt with!” Alec said sharply, giving the vampire a piercing look.</p><p>Alec needed this; he needed this revenge and he would not be denied. He needed to retake his power and avenge everything that had been taken from him, from Jace, from Magnus, from Clary….from all of them!</p><p>“And we will, darling. Together!” Magnus promised and squeezed Alec’s hand in support. At the loving words the darkness vanished from Alec’s face and he gave the Warlock a soft and loving look and smiled in gratitude for his support.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alec said heartfelt.</p><p>Magnus simply nodded; he understood. He wanted revenge too; maybe even more than Alec did. Besides, Alec could have told him he needed the moon in flames and the oceans to boil to feel better and Magnus would have done everything in his power to see it happen and not regret a thing.</p><p>“I have arranged a meeting tomorrow for midday with the others. We can plan our offensive against the two remaining Mundane military groups then,” Magnus suggested and Alec nodded.</p><p>“Good,” Alec agreed but then paused for a second before adding a bit hesitantly, suddenly very much aware he was not in the battle ready shape he wanted to be in.</p><p>“And could you conjure up a training room?” Alec asked of Magnus with a hint of embarrassment as the words reminded him of how weak he now was physically.</p><p>Magnus smiled softly, sympathetically, understanding his need to feel he could defend himself. They both knew it was illogical; Alec had after all been in peek physical shape when he had been kidnapped, but if it helped Alec feel better Magnus was more than happy to help.</p><p>“There,” Magnus said with a smile as his snapped his fingers and a training room appeared next to the downstairs master bedroom.</p><p>“And my bow and quiver?” Alec asked both hopefully and with a hint of worry.</p><p>He had not used a bow since the failed escape attempt Jace and him had tried and that bow had not been of the same quality as his own bow. He had been able to handle the weapon but it had been with more difficulty than normal due to the healed wound in his palm. It had been months now so he hoped with his own bow he would not feel the difference. However, even though the wound had healed fully, leaving only very faint scars, he sometimes imagined the hand felt different. Wrong and weak somehow. It was nonsense; he knew it was. The thought was still sometimes there. He hoped after using his own bow again, proving to himself he was as good as before…then those thoughts and feelings would go away. Of course, that was assuming he would indeed be as good as before. In the back of his mind was the fear his hand, now forever scarred by his ordeal, would make him less efficient than before and that his ordeal would make him a lesser warrior than he had been.</p><p>“Izzy got it for you,” Magnus reassured him, knowing how much a weapon meant to a Shadowhunter.</p><p>Izzy had ensured both of her brothers’ weapons were safe, as if ensuring this would somehow help ensure their safe return.</p><p>Magnus snapped his fingers before he said, “I have now moved it to the training room.” Magnus looked at Jace before he said, “Your seraph blades are also in the training room. Izzy got them for you too.”</p><p>Alec smiled relieved at knowing his weapon was nearby and Jace did likewise, having missed fighting with his chosen weapons.</p><p>“Good. I need to train so I am ready for this,” Alec said matter of fact as if his current weakened condition was somehow due to his lack of training and not because he had been punished and injured to such an extent he hadn’t been able to train the way he had before.</p><p>“I am here for you. Whatever you need,” Magnus assured him.</p><p>“Thanks so much,” Alec said lovingly as he leaned in and kissed him.</p><p>“So…what’s your plan?” Clary asked, feeling a bit envious at Alec and Magnus’ interaction.</p><p>It wasn’t that Jace didn’t kiss her but they somehow didn’t quite seem to be on the same wavelength the way she had felt they had been before. It was like Simon and her were now again on the outskirts of this little club and it frustrated her to no end.</p><p>“Well…killing them <strong>all</strong> sounds like a good plan to me,” Jace said darkly, his eyes shining with hatred for the people who had had a hand in harming Alec.</p><p>Clary gave him a desperate and sad look.</p><p>“Jace. You are not a killer,” Clary insisted, her voice soft and pained.</p><p>Jace gave her a piercing look.</p><p>“Who said I was? This is justice,” Jace said coldly, his tone matter of fact.</p><p>Clary shook her head, confused at his inability to even try and understand her.</p><p>“It’s vengeance. It isn’t you. You will regret this,” she warned, her voice almost pleading, her eyes begging, as she put a hand on his arm.</p><p>Jace looked at her hand on his arm and then up into her face. He smiled a bit sadly at her as he squeezed her hand lying on his arm.</p><p>“Clary, don’t add your Mundane values to this. Shadowhunters are made to be warriors from birth; we hold weapons before we know how to write our own names. Alec and I…We will deal with this in the manner we were taught,” Jace said softly, a hint of pain in his voice at her inability to comprehend the world she now lived in.</p><p>The Shadow World was not a nice place; punishment was swift, justice was harsh and mercy was rare. If Clary kept trying to add Mundane values to it she would implode. It simply wasn’t possible; the Mundane world and the Shadow World were not compatible.</p><p>“Jace, you have to talk to someone about what happened instead of planning how to kill people! Talk to me,” Clary pleaded, her worry for him making her voice harsh.</p><p>“No,” Jace denied, his expression becoming closed now and he pulled back his hand from hers.</p><p>“You need to talk to someone about what happened,” Clary insisted again in a worried tone, removing her hand from his arm, her eyes begging him to understand that she was trying to help him.</p><p>Feeling attacked by her words Jace pushed back his chair and rose from the table. Clary rose too, making him stop a few meters from the table, all eyes on them.</p><p>“I am just trying to help. You can’t keep bottling things up inside!” Clary insisted, her worry making her tone sharp.</p><p>Her tone made Jace feel angry and judged. He gave her a piercing look as he crossed his arms over his chest in an age-old gesture of self-protection.</p><p>“I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to share my feelings,” Jace said darkly.</p><p>“Then what do you want?” Clary asked frustrated.</p><p>“I want to find the people behind this,” Jace said with a dangerous gleam in his eyes.</p><p>“And then what?” Clary demanded to know.</p><p>“And <strong>then</strong> I am going to share my feelings,” Jace insisted forebodingly.</p><p>Clary threw up her hands and shook her head in frustration and pain.</p><p>“Jace, stop the macho bullshit! I know you are hurting!” Clary almost screamed at him, crossing her arms over her chest as well, seeking protection and comfort.</p><p>“Don’t!” Jace warned, waving an angry finger in her face.</p><p>“Jace! Talk to me!” Clary almost yelled in frustration, waving her hands at him.</p><p>“That’s just it, Clary; I don’t <strong>want</strong> to talk!” Jace yelled back and turned around to walk away from her.</p><p>Clary caught his right arm and forced him to stop and turn back to face her.</p><p>“Jace, please! We need to talk about this!” Clary insisted and released her hold on him, her eyes pained and pleading.</p><p>Magnus and Alec had been sitting, growing more and more tense during the argument but now they both rose and went towards the arguing couple.</p><p>“No, we don’t!” Jace spat the words out like poison and again turned to go.</p><p>Clary took a firm and almost bruising grip on his arm, pulling him forcefully back towards her.</p><p>“Stop it! Stop this!” Clary insisted, almost screaming, desperation and pain in her eyes that made her voice sound hard and dangerous.</p><p>Alec was at Clary’s side within seconds and gave her a dark look.</p><p>“Let go of him. <strong>Now</strong>!” Alec said dangerously, his hands having formed fists at his side.</p><p>Clary gave him a shocked look, the threat in his words clear. She looked to Jace who still looked angry and closed off, not giving any indication if he was going to step between them nor whose side he would be on if it came to that.</p><p>“Seriously? What is up with you two?!” Clary asked frustrated, irritated, looking from one to the other.</p><p>Why was she suddenly the bad guy here? She was the only one addressing the issue with some level of maturity; killing people was not how you resolved trauma! They both needed to talk to someone and get therapy. Why was she being treated like this when she was actually trying to help?</p><p>“Biscuit, come help me with something in the kitchen,” Magnus said softly, having come up to her on the opposite side as Alec was.</p><p>Clary gave him a puzzled look.</p><p>“Now, please,” Magnus insisted and his tone made it clear it wasn’t a suggestion.</p><p>Clary threw up her hands in resignation and tears started to run down her cheeks.</p><p>“I can’t do this! I can’t take this. I just can’t!” Clary said agitated, emotional, as she ran from the room and into the guest bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.</p><p>“Clary!” Simon yelled after her, having remained seated until now, unsure what to do or how to make it better.</p><p>“Clary! Clary! Clary, don’t!” Jace yelled after her and made a move as if to go after her.</p><p>“I’ve got her, Blondie,” Magnus reassured him, his voice warm and understanding, despite the nickname or maybe because of it, as he moved to stand in front of both Alec and Jace and now closest to where Clary had disappeared off to.</p><p>“Can I help?” Simon asked.</p><p>“No. Go help Isabelle, Lorenzo and Andrew instead. The details for their patrol is in the papers over there,” Magnus ordered, nodding to some papers on the far end of the dining table.</p><p>Simon nodded, read the papers and with super speed he was gone to the specified location after one last worried look at the door Clary had disappeared through.</p><p>“She hates me,” Jace mumbled miserably, his eyes clouded with pain, looking from the door Clary had disappeared through to Magnus.</p><p>“No, she doesn’t,” Magnus denied, his tone soft and compassionate. “She is just hurting.”</p><p>“I can’t reach her. She doesn’t understand,” Jace said sadly, giving Alec a lost look that prompted Alec to put a reassuring hand on his arm.</p><p>Jace looked from Alec to Magnus and gave the Warlock an almost envious look, “She’s not like you. She doesn’t understand like you do.”</p><p>“She was raised Mundane. Give her time,” Magnus reassured him.</p><p>“I am. I will,” Jace agreed and for a moment he felt oddly cold and alone. Then Alec was there and pulled him into a quick hug before letting him go again but kept a hand on his arm. Jace felt strengthened by the gesture and his posture got stronger and more confident; he could give her time. Of course he could.</p><p>“I will go talk to her,” Magnus said, nodding towards the door Clary had disappeared through.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jace said heartfelt.</p><p>“You and Alexander should go see Cat,” Magnus added, looking from one to the other.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Alec insisted stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest as if to protect himself.</p><p>“Yes. Me too. Fine,” Jace agreed in a monotone voice.</p><p>“Well, in the interest of everyone here being completely 100% fine let’s have the only certified medical professional in the building confirm that, shall we?” Magnus said sarcastically but his eyes were filled with concern and sympathy as he looked from Alec to Jace and then back again.</p><p>“Magnus!” Alec protested, his eyes pleading with him to understand he did not want to go.</p><p>“Seriously?” Jace added, shaking his head in denial.</p><p>“For me, darling?” Magnus asked softly with a pleading look as he stroked Alec’s cheek tenderly, lovingly.</p><p>“Ok, for you,” Alec gave in because there really wasn’t anything he wouldn’t give Magnus, even this.</p><p>“Thank you, darling,” Magnus said happily and kissed him lovingly.</p><p>“And why am I agreeing to it?” Jace asked as Alec and Magnus separated.</p><p>“For Alexander?” Magnus suggested with a smile.</p><p>“Fine,” Jace conceded because there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for his brother; even seeing a doctor.</p><p>“Great! Thank you, boys,” Magnus said heartfelt, smiling in victory.</p><p>“So…where has she gone, Catarina?” Alec asked, looking around and not seeing her.</p><p>“Medical room. She will first give you a physical and then a short talk about how to best help you to move forward from here,” Magnus explained what he had agreed with Catarina before Jace and Alec had gotten up this morning, nodding towards the ops room where he had conjured the medical room.</p><p>“No! No talking,” Alec denied, shaking his head. He would do the physical but that was it.</p><p>“Alexander, I know Catarina. I trust her with my life and therefore I trust her with yours. She won’t tell me anything. Only you can do that and I am here when you are ready to talk. Whatever happens between Catarina and you will be 100% confidential,” Magnus assured him and then gave Jace a knowing look as he added, “For both of you.”</p><p>“I don’t know…” Alec began hesitantly. He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to forget and move on.</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything but please just go, just listen to her. Please…for me?” Magnus interrupted, his voice pleading and his eyes employing.</p><p>“Ok, ok. I am not promising I will say anything but I will listen to her. I never could deny you anything,” Alec conceded, his expression soft and tender as he cupped Magnus’ face and kissed his lips tenderly.</p><p>“I love you,” Alec said warmly as he drew back.</p><p>“I love you too, Alexander,” Magnus said heartfelt.</p><p>“Shall we?” Jace asked of Alec, nodding in the general direction of where Catarina was waiting for them, his voice as grim as if he was on the way to battle when Magnus and Alec separated.</p><p>Magnus noticed Jace’s concern when he looked towards the door Clary had disappeared through and touched his arm gently as he said, “Jace, I will talk to her. She will come around. Give her time. She loves you.”</p><p>Jace nodded, smiling at him in thanks and touched his hand on his arm briefly before Magnus pulled back.</p><p>“I know. I love her too,” Jace said honestly, a hint of longing in his voice as he looked at the closed door he knew she was behind.</p><p>“Come. We can do this,” Alec said to Jace with a determined look to get it over with. They shared a look of understanding before they walked towards the medical examination room together.</p><p>Magnus looked after Alec and Jace for a moment, proud of them for making themselves go see Catarina since it clearly made them feel uncomfortable to do so. Then he turned around and walked towards the room Clary had gone into. As he got closer he could hear Clary was crying and he took a deep breath as he put his hand on the door handle and went inside to talk to her.</p><p>It was going to be a long road back but they would make it; one step at a time. In between investigating the Idris connection, planning a rebellion, planning the attack on the two Mundane units…Magnus’ considered his most important duty to take care of the people in his charge and none more so than those he now considered family. Therefore, as he stepped into the room to talk to Clary it was not as a friend but more as an older brother. She would get through this. With his help, with Luke’s help…With as much help, care and love as she would need, but Magnus left <strong>no one</strong> behind and never gave up on anyone. They would see this through and they would <strong>all</strong> come out of it stronger for it; <strong>together</strong>!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you are enjoying this story, please let me know by leaving kudos and/or a comment. It means the world to me and motivates me to continue writing this story.<br/>Thank you to anyone who does comment and/or leave kudos! You rock! :)</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Let’s Talk…Or Not</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Catarina try to talk to Alec and Jace, Magnus try to talk to Clary and Magnus and Alec actually start to talk.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is dedicated to the people who left feedback and told me they liked it and wanted to see more.<br/>Thanks so much to Cindy to great beta as always!<br/>This chapter is 24 pages long. My latest chapter for my long WIP Malec fic "Captive Angels; Victorious Demons" was over 60 pages long so compared to that this is a short chapter ;)<br/>Chapter warnings: Mention of past torture and past attempted rape, referenced child abuse, referenced differences between Mundane world and the Shadow World, talk of PTSD, talk of revenge, talk of killing more bad guys which most of our heroes is ok with, talking of healing, Magnus talks about a past lover who was raped and tortured but it is just mentioned and not detailed. Mention of a height difference between Magnus and Alec but I don't specify who's tallest so if you are a book fan it would be Magnus who is tallest and if you are imagining them from the TV show it would be Alec.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <p>Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings. I strongly suggest you read the prequel "Enemy of the State" here <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984">https://archiveofourown.org/works/20910923/chapters/49709984</a> but you don't have to read that story to read and follow this one.</p>
  <h1>Chapter 4: Let’s Talk…Or Not</h1>
  <p>The medical examination went with professional efficiency and stoic silence from Alec and Jace. Catarina had them both strip down to their underwear and examined them in turn. Catarina ignored the death stare Jace gave her when she accidently caused Alec to pull back when she touched the burn mark on his back, even though she explained everything she did and where she would touch next to try and prepare them both for it. Alec didn’t meet her gaze when she took stock of all his scars but Jace looked at her so intensely she had a feeling if it got much worse his stare alone would make her burn to a crisp.</p>
  <p>She gave them both some antibiotics and vitamin shots as well as shots against common STDs, just to be on the safe side. Basically, the standard cocktail she would give people who had been held captive or lived under poor conditions for a prolonged period of time without knowing the specifics. She then handed Alec a detailed plan for how to gain more weight that he accepted with a look of disbelief as the plan indicated he should eat smaller meals almost continuously throughout the day, every few hours. She also gave a plan to Jace that was less demanding to follow as he physically was in much better shape than Alec.</p>
  <p>After the examination, she wrote up her notes while Jace and Alec got dressed. She then led them to a connecting office with a desk and two chairs in front of it. She sat behind the desk and Jace and Alec shared a look, seeing the two chairs. Alec sat down in the one furthest from the door. Jace moved his chair so it was so close to Alec he could touch him if he wanted to and angled it slightly so he was between the door and Alec, able to look at both Alec and the door with minimum effort. While Alec hadn’t moved his chair Catarina had noticed he had scanned the room when he had entered, taking stock of where everything was, the lack of windows, the one door in and out. She was certain he could draw the room if he closed his eyes and would be able to tell her precisely where the most likely place for an attack would come from, how to escape from the room and which objects would work best as a weapon.</p>
  <p>If Catarina had not been a trained nurse who had worked with Mundane trauma victims Jace and Alec could almost have fooled her into believing they were just sitting before her; serious, listening but that was all. However, she could see how straight Alec was sitting, she saw his hands in his lap were squeezed so tightly together his knuckles were white and she saw how he looked at Jace ever so often to ensure himself he was there and he was safe. She noticed how Jace had one hand on the armrest, ready to jump up at a moment’s notice. She noticed how Jace would angle his body, move ever so slightly in response to the smallest change from Alec and she saw that Alec did the same; whenever Jace moved or made a noise he instinctively reacted to it.</p>
  <p>Catarina looked at them for a while and both men just looked back at her pointedly, stubbornly, not saying anything.</p>
  <p>“You boys have been through quite an ordeal,” she finally said, her voice soft as she looked from her notes to each of them in turn with the warm and sympathetic gaze of a trained nurse.</p>
  <p>No response from either of them but their facial expression hardened as if they were preparing for battle and not a conversation though Catarina was certain they would prefer a fight to talking about what had happened to them.</p>
  <p>“Are you sleeping?” she asked, considering if she should prescribe them anything to help with that.</p>
  <p>She had not had many Shadowhunter patients in her years unless it was to heal them magically. Therefore, she wanted to use Mundane drugs carefully and keep a close eye on them when doing so to be sure their angel blood didn’t result in any negative reactions to the drugs.</p>
  <p>“Yes,” they both said in unison, their voices and faces carefully emotionless.</p>
  <p>She gave them a disbelieving look. If the nightmares had not started yet they would soon. It was one of the ways the mind worked through trauma. Of course, maybe they were able to keep some of the nightmares at bay through their parabatai bond; they did share a soul.</p>
  <p>“In separate rooms?” Catarina asked, playing a hunch.</p>
  <p>“Why is that relevant?” Jace asked defensively, stiffening, looking suspiciously at her as if trying to figure out if there was any danger with responding to the question.</p>
  <p>So they were not sleeping apart, she concluded. That likely explained why they could sleep. The parabatai bond somehow gave an extra assurance, making them feel safe or at least safer, when together.</p>
  <p>“You were held in one cell, together?” she asked, guessing that would be the case but wanting them to acknowledge something from their ordeal, even a small fact like this would be a start.</p>
  <p>“Why is that relevant?” Alec asked confused with a hint of annoyance at what he considered an irrelevant question.</p>
  <p>“That means yes then,” she concluded matter of fact.</p>
  <p>“How is that relevant?” Alec repeated in a challenging tone of voice, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at her as if trying to figure out what her angle was.</p>
  <p>“Having shared a cell during an ordeal like yours often lead to separation anxiety and in general difficulty with being alone,” she explained, not put off by the hints of aggression in Alec’s tone.</p>
  <p>Anger was a normal reaction to trauma as well so she was used to it. In fact, her worry with Alec and Jace was how calm they both were able to be and she hoped in time they would feel safe enough to let down their guard.</p>
  <p>“We can be apart. We just choose not to be,” Jace said firmly and his eyes made it clear that she should not even consider trying to force them apart.</p>
  <p>“There’s nothing wrong with admitting you want each other close, to be sure the other is safe. It is normal after such an ordeal,” she reassured them.</p>
  <p>“And if we do?” Jace asked in a challenging tone.</p>
  <p>“That’s a good thing to admit. You two only had each for almost six months; it is natural to grow close and to find it hard to be apart,” she tried to reassure them again.</p>
  <p>Alec shrugged and gave her an unwavering look that betrayed no emotions at all.</p>
  <p>“So we need each other. We are parabatai. We have always needed each other,” Alec said matter of fact, his voice strong and sure.</p>
  <p>Catarina nodded encouraging, happy they were talking.</p>
  <p>“True, but this time it is surely a bit different,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>“I don’t know. Alec stayed in my room a lot when I was 10 and first got adopted by the Lightwoods,” Jace explained, remembering back to that time with a fond smile at how protective Alec had been already as a child towards his siblings; towards him even after he had only known him for a few days.</p>
  <p>Alec had been the one who had shown Jace that love could indeed be gentle, warm and beautiful. Everything Valentine had claimed it couldn’t be.</p>
  <p>“That was surely also a time of changes for you so it shows a pattern of being there for each other, even before you really knew each other,” Catarina agreed, nodding.</p>
  <p>“Well, more Alec insisting on being there for me. I kept telling him I was fine,” Jace remembered with a warm smile.</p>
  <p>Catarina was happy to see that they could talk about other things and wanted to tie Jace’s reflections back to what had happened during their captivity. She therefore tried to bring the conversation back to that.</p>
  <p>“So you are a natural caretaker. That must in some ways have made your ordeal both easier and harder for you,” Catarina surmised, looking at Alec.</p>
  <p>“Why do you say that?” Alec asked tensely.</p>
  <p>“From your examination it was clear you took the brunt of the torture and I think that was in some ways easier for you because you in that way spared Jace but also more difficult as you became unable to protect him from what they wanted from him,” she explained.</p>
  <p>“How do you know they wanted something?” Jace asked suspiciously.</p>
  <p>“I have worked with Mundane torture victims as a nurse to a limited degree, but enough so that I can tell that it seems very likely Alec was used as leverage against you. That also explains why you got to share a cell; they wanted to make sure the relationship between you two was as strong as possible so the blackmail worked as effectively as possible,” Catarina explained insightfully, her voice and eyes filled with compassion and shared pain.</p>
  <p>“I am not a victim,” Jace protested, sounding offended at the idea.</p>
  <p>“Everyone can be a victim, Jace,” Catarina assured him. “It is not a bad word.”</p>
  <p>“Shadowhunters are not victims,” Alec explained softly, a hint of shame and pain in his eyes.</p>
  <p>“Of course they can be victims. Everyone can be a victim. It is not a matter of strength or courage,” she tried to say but she could see she was not really reaching them on this point.</p>
  <p>“Well, we are both here now, rescued and fine,” Alec assured her with a smile that never reached his eyes.</p>
  <p>“It is also common after traumatic events to show signs of depression, anxiety, PTSD, experience panic attacks, insomnia, numbness, detachment…” Catarina began to say.</p>
  <p>“I don’t understand what you mean with half of those words in this context,” Jace complained, interrupting her.</p>
  <p>“Everyone react to traumatic events differently but we all have reactions to it. For example, you might feel more anxious, more insecure, and more unsafe, maybe flinch at sudden noises and touches, more prone to anger, more irrational thought patterns, maybe even experience flashbacks or have difficulty concentrating or remembering…. Some people also develop a lack of emotional connection and feel out of touch like finding it difficult dealing with normal daily matters like laundry or making food,” Catarina clarified.</p>
  <p>“That sounds like some Mundane thing,” Jace concluded with a dismissive headshake.</p>
  <p>“Everyone experiences something like this. Angel blood does not make you invincible,” she reminded them.</p>
  <p>“We know but we are fine,” Alec insisted in a finite tone of voice and Jace nodded in agreement.</p>
  <p>“In these situations talking about what happened and how you felt then and how you feel now can help,” Catarina tried again, ignoring his statement.</p>
  <p>“I’m fine,” they both said in unison.</p>
  <p>Catarina couldn’t help but smile a bit at that but then tried again.</p>
  <p>“It’s ok <strong>not</strong> to be fine. In fact, you are not supposed to be fine,” she kept her tone soft and matter of fact, looking from one to the other.</p>
  <p>“I’m good,” Jace insisted, folding his arms over his chest.</p>
  <p>“I’m fine,” Alec repeated, his gaze on her strong but devoid of feelings.</p>
  <p>“All I am saying is that it is normal not to be,” Catarina tried again, fighting to remain calm and patient. There was reason she was a nurse and not a councilor after all and she was very much reminded of that fact now.</p>
  <p>Alec gave Jace a sideway glance, seeing the slight nod before he replied, “We’re fine.”</p>
  <p>Catarina sighed and took a deep breath to calm herself, trying another approach.</p>
  <p>“Let’s talk about that then. How are you fine? Are you happy? How are things with Clarissa and Magnus?” she asked, looking at first Jace and then Alec as she spoke.</p>
  <p>Jace shook his head and his expression hardened.</p>
  <p>“I don’t want to talk about Clary,” Jace told her in a deadly calm voice.</p>
  <p>Alec nodded in understanding at Jace and briefly touched his arm in silent support.</p>
  <p>“My relationship with Magnus is private. If I want to talk to him then I will do that,” Alec told her frankly.</p>
  <p>Catarina sighed in frustration and took a finger to the bridge of her nose.</p>
  <p>“So, let me get this straight…you are both fine and none of you need to talk to me about anything,” Catarina repeated in a sarcastic voice.</p>
  <p>“Yes,” Jace agreed and smiled slightly as if she had finally understood it.</p>
  <p>“That’s right,” Alec said, nodding.</p>
  <p>Catarina looked down at her notes from their examination in front of her, looking from her papers to them.</p>
  <p>“Ok. So, just to recap shall we…very recently, I would say a few weeks ago, Jace broke several bones in his legs and arms, most of the bones in his hands and feet, his nose, his ribs….From the faint marks I would also guess he was recently whipped, burned and stabbed before being healed with healing runes. All seemingly at the same time so I am guessing agony rune. Otherwise, physically you are in quite fine fighting condition which I guessed they wanted for you,” she recapped, looking at Jace, trying to get a reaction out of him.</p>
  <p>She didn’t get much response from him but she noticed that Alec tensed, his face showed agony and sympathy at hearing about what Jace had endured and he again touched Jace’s arm briefly before pulling back again. She wrote that down in her notes as something she wanted to address with them at a later date; that they both seemed able and willing to respond to and show their feelings of worry, love and sympathy for what the other had endured but not for themselves.</p>
  <p>“So?” Jace questioned, seeing no reason to deny what her examination had shown.</p>
  <p>“So that was a traumatic experience,” Catrina reminded him.</p>
  <p>“I have survived traumatic experiences before. I grew up with Valentine until I was 10 and I didn’t even know it. I have had 3 last names over one summer and thought for a while that the woman I loved and was physically attracted to was my own sister so I think I can get over a little agony rune,” Jace said sarcastically but the sarcasm clearly hid pain.</p>
  <p>Alec had noticed the pain in Jace’s tone at once, and had reached out and was now having a hand on Jace’s forearm, squeezing slightly already before he had finished speaking. Alec kept his hand on Jace’s arm in support even when he finished speaking and Jace briefly touched his hand on his arm in thanks without turning to look at him, knowing he was there and knowing how he felt, about his sympathy and worry for him, through the bond.</p>
  <p>“I am sure the physical pain was survivable for you, despite the clearly agonizing levels that would have reached. I more meant the emotions surrounding that ordeal,” Catarina clarified.</p>
  <p>For now she didn’t want to go into how Jace would have felt about the other issues he brought up regarding his childhood, identity issues, family, belonging…Probably best to open one wound at a time. She knew that Shadowhunters to be able to produce child warriors were often brutal to them and while she certainly felt that should ideally be addressed in therapy she didn’t want to upheaval both of their lives more than it already was. The trauma they had experienced during their captivity was the important issue and she would draw in the other aspects of their lives as needed but she was quickly getting a feeling she should not consider this healing as much as patching things up to acceptable levels. Or mental recovery the Shadowhunter version as she was starting to call it in her mind.</p>
  <p>“There was pretty much only one emotion; pain,” Jace said darkly and Alec gave him a sympathetic look and gave his arm another squeeze.</p>
  <p>“The agony rune has a mental component. Alec got that one?” Catarina guessed from his response and from how both men tensed, she knew she was right.</p>
  <p>“I am not talking about that,” Alec warned her dangerously, fighting not to think about how close he had come to getting lost inside the horrors of his own mind.</p>
  <p>Catarina sensed this was a dangerous and difficult topic for Alec that she would need to approach carefully so she turned to Jace instead.</p>
  <p>“How about you, Jace? How do you feel about Alec getting the mental torture of the agony rune?” she asked softly, kindly.</p>
  <p>“What kind of question is that? How I feel about it? Of course I feel horrible about that!” Jace said angrily.</p>
  <p>“You are Shadowhunters. You have both learned to withstand extreme physical agony. It would be natural that the mental aspect would be terrifying as it is an invisible and unknown enemy,” Catarina said insightfully, her voice soft and calming to defuse Jace’s anger. “Furthermore, as you yourself said….you have quite some baggage with Valentine and all of that.”</p>
  <p>“Yeah…we are not talking about that either,” Jace said in a final tone, his eyes lighting up golden for a second to make it clear how serious he was.</p>
  <p>Catarina nodded, seeing she had pushed as far as she could for now. She looked at her papers before looking at Alec.</p>
  <p>“Alec….a stab wound healed months ago from a knife through the right hand, repeated lashings and beatings, broken bones healed multiple times, and a burn mark on your upper back. You are also the most severely ill nourished of the two of you, which I think is more due to your multiple injuries and the strain your body has been under from being torn apart and healed so many times than a difference in diet between you two.”</p>
  <p>This time Catarina would have been able to see Jace’s reaction a mile away; he looked so tense and upset he was almost broadcasting it. Only Alec’s firm grip on him seemed to calm him somewhat. Alec himself, however, looked calm as if she had just spoken about someone else; able to completely detach himself from what she had just said.</p>
  <p>“We got the same food,” Alec told her evenly, confirming it was indeed due to his body having had a hard time adapting to the constant strain it had been under from being broken apart and then healed either with runes or the Mundane way; often both at the same time.</p>
  <p>“Even Shadowhunter bodies are not made to be broken and mended so repeatedly and often as yours have been during your captivity. I would like to just check you over every few months for the next year or so. In particular to make sure your heart has not taken any lasting damage,” Catarina told him seriously with a worried look.</p>
  <p>Alec just nodded, still detached from her words as if they were talking about the weather.</p>
  <p>“Ok,” he agreed in a calm voice.</p>
  <p>Jace looked from Catarina to Alec with rising worry and concern.</p>
  <p>“He’s fine. Of course he’s fine,” Jace insisted strongly but there was fear in his voice.</p>
  <p>Alec gave him a reassuringly smile.</p>
  <p>“I’m fine,” Alec confirmed in a warm tone that seemed to calm Jace.</p>
  <p>Catarina looked from one to the other, her eyes softened, and her face showed her compassion and sympathy. Sometimes as a Warlock it was easy to forget how young Shadowhunters were since they went to battle when they were younger than 12. Sometimes she even forgot how young Jace and Alec were; adults by Shadowhunter standards but so young in both Mundane and Warlock terms. Seeing them here now, fighting to stay strong, and pretending to be fine in the face of such horror and agony they had been through….They awoke all her mothering instincts.</p>
  <p>“With everything we just talked about don’t you think it would be easier if we all just agreed you are not ok and this is not fine and then take it from there?” she suggested kindly.</p>
  <p>“We are fine!” Alec insisted shortly, his lips set in a stubborn thin line.</p>
  <p>“Very fine,” Jace agreed just as stubbornly.</p>
  <p>Catarina sighed in frustration; well, at least they matched well as parabatai. They were equally stubborn and infuriating right now!</p>
  <p>“I am trying to help you,” she reminded them, her worry for them making her voice sound more annoyed than anything else.</p>
  <p>She understood why they responded as they did; both due to their backgrounds and culture, their upbringings and who they had been taught to be and she understood how difficult it was to talk about trauma but she had still hoped she would be able to get just a small opening.</p>
  <p>“Thank you but we don’t need your help,” Jace told her in a strong and dismissive tone.</p>
  <p>“You do need my help,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>“No, we don’t,” Alec agreed, sounding equally strong and certain.</p>
  <p>Catarina had a feeling those two would agree with each other the earth was flat and pigs could fly at this point. It was endearing and very frustrating when they seemed to be in agreement <strong>not</strong> to be doing what she wanted them to!</p>
  <p>“Alec, you were clearly tortured, repeatedly, over and over, with likely only days between for months. That is just what I can see from the physical evidence. There is a ton of mental damage done too from that and then the agony rune as well,” Catarina protested.</p>
  <p>“I do not want to talk about it,” Alec insisted coldly.</p>
  <p>“Jace, talk to me then,” Catarina tried, almost pleading with him.</p>
  <p>“No,” Jace denied coldly.</p>
  <p>“I can see you were not tortured as much as Alec but you likely witnessed it. That can often be worse. You need to deal with that,” she tried again to reach him and saw how he paled at the reminder of what he had seen Alec suffer, making her hope for just a second he might choose to talk to her.</p>
  <p>Jace seemed to recover from his outward signs of distress after a few seconds, aided by Alec’s hand on his arm, grounding him, letting him know he was safe and here. They shared a look and Catarina guessed Alec had also sent feelings of reassurance and comfort to Jace because when he turned back to face her his face was carefully neutral and Catarina knew he was not going to talk to her.</p>
  <p>“No, I really don’t,” Jace insisted, shaking his head for emphasis.</p>
  <p>“You both need to deal with this,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>“What we need to do is go kill the bastards who did this to us and others,” Jace said strongly, his eyes lighting up golden at the thought.</p>
  <p>“I agree,” Alec said darkly, nodding slightly.</p>
  <p>“You could kill the whole world. It would not make that feeling inside of you go away,” Catarina said kindly, sympathetically.</p>
  <p>“Well, I personally vote for doing the killing first and then we can talk,” Alec said sarcastically.</p>
  <p>“Seriously!” Catarina protested, annoyed at her lack of progress.</p>
  <p>“Yes, Catarina, quite seriously,” Alec told her in a deadly serious tone of voice.</p>
  <p>“Jace, surely you can tell me this isn’t a good approach?” Catarina tried, looking at him.</p>
  <p>Jace shook his head.</p>
  <p>“You are barking up the wrong tree, lady. I would follow him to Hell and back,” Jace said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>“Didn’t you already do that?” she asked pointedly.</p>
  <p>Jace paled a bit at her words but quickly recovered.</p>
  <p>“That was a low blow,” Jace said harshly, his eye narrowing in warning.</p>
  <p>“Maybe but you are not listening to me!” she protested.</p>
  <p>“We don’t need to listen to you,” Alec reminded her, annoyed that her words had shaken Jace.</p>
  <p>“Maybe not but I can’t help you if you don’t let me,” Catarina said with a sigh.</p>
  <p>“Then don’t. We don’t need you,” Alec said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>“I am not your enemy,” she reminded them.</p>
  <p>“Then stop acting like it,” Alec told her darkly.</p>
  <p>“And what? Leave you alone?” she said in a defeated tone.</p>
  <p>“Yes!” Alec said hotly.</p>
  <p>Seeing how upset both Jace and Alec looked and how closed their expressions were she decided it was pointless to try and continue this.</p>
  <p>“Ok, I think we will end this for today. But I will be back tomorrow,” she told them, fighting down her own rising anger, aware that Alec on purpose had tried to edge her on.</p>
  <p>“And we shall then tell you the same again tomorrow,” Alec said harshly.</p>
  <p>“I will come again the day after then,” she told him.</p>
  <p>“Fine! We will repeat it then too,” Alec insisted.</p>
  <p>“You won’t scare me away. There is nothing you can say now or about what happened then that will surprise me,” she said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>Alec looked away from her for a moment and for a second he looked young and vulnerable.</p>
  <p>“You don’t know what you are talking about,” Alec said in a soft and pained voice, looking down.</p>
  <p>Jace put a hand over Alec’s on his arm, holding it for a moment in support before letting go.</p>
  <p>“I have been in war. I have killed. I have even tortured people. I have seen people who came back after being tortured. I was almost burned at the stake myself by your dear past ancestral Shadowhunters and <em>helpful</em> Mundanes. Believe me; I know!” Catarina said hotly.</p>
  <p>“I…Well, not everything,” Alec said quietly, looking at her again.</p>
  <p>She was done avoiding the elephant in the room so she said it as she saw it.</p>
  <p>“What? You think you are the first prisoner either threatened with rape or maybe even raped? That is what we are dancing around here, isn’t it?” she said matter of fact and by the way both men tensed, paled and panicked she knew she was right.</p>
  <p>“What?!” Alec asked shocked, his face white, his hands fights.</p>
  <p>“You are not even the first man I have talked to about this,” she told him in a much calmer and gentler tone.</p>
  <p>Alec fought to pull himself together and had to avoid Jace’s worried look.</p>
  <p>“Go. Leave,” Alec said in a low and dangerous tone.</p>
  <p>“I will but just know I mean it when I say there is nothing you can tell me that will shock me or surprise me,” she insisted, her voice sympathetic and understanding.</p>
  <p>“Come. We will go then,” Jace said to Alec and they both rose.</p>
  <p>As soon as they were both on their feet Jace put a hand on Alec’s back and then, after they shared a look of support and comfort, he moved his hand to his arm.</p>
  <p>“I understand if neither of you wish to speak with me,” she told them as she rose from her chair as well and picked up a flyer from her table. She walked over to them and she saw how they both stood up straighter and took up fighting positions, Jace doing his best to try and angle himself between Alec and her which earned him a half fond and half exasperated look from Alec.</p>
  <p>Catarina handed the flyer to Jace as he was nearest who took it warily as if he was afraid it might bite him.</p>
  <p>“Here, this details several Mundane help groups near us I will suggest you consider taking part in – under the correct protection and first when you are both much better of course. Till then you are still with me,” she explained.</p>
  <p>Until they were certain the remaining Mundane groups had been dismantled and they had gotten everyone involved in this in Idris, they all had to be careful and Alec and Jace in particular given they had been the targets to start with. However, she was certain it would be a little longer before they would want to even attempt to go outside the flat given how much on edge they were even here, behind wards and protections, staying in what was likely the safest place there was.</p>
  <p>“Mundanes would not understand this,” Alec insisted.</p>
  <p>“Mundanes can go to war at 18 and many do. There are groups for war veterans and there are groups for victims of torture, for prisoners of war and for people who have been wrongly imprisoned and tortured, trying to force confessions or other information from them. They are listed on the leaflet I gave you,” she explained.</p>
  <p>“Really?” Alec asked surprised.</p>
  <p>Not that Alec didn’t know Mundanes went to war; he had just never really thought about it. There was more than enough conflict in the Shadow World as it was to also worry about and understand how the Mundanes did it.</p>
  <p>Catarina nodded.</p>
  <p>“Yes. And these people were not raised as warriors from birth like you two and still they can survive this,” she told them in an encouraging tone of voice.</p>
  <p>“I….” Alec started to say but then stopped, unsure what precisely he wanted to say.</p>
  <p>“I am not asking you to decide now. Just think about it. Everyone needs help once in a while,” she said with a smile.</p>
  <p>“Nephilim don’t,” Jace protested, saying it automatically, voicing the beliefs he had been told since childhood.</p>
  <p>“You might have been raised to believe that but it is not true. We all need someone to lean on. It does not make you weak,” she insisted in a kind voice.</p>
  <p>“Hmm,” Alec just said, unsure what to say to that as he could kind off see both points.</p>
  <p>He leaned on Jace, Jace leaned on him but was that enough? The parabatai bond was accepted among Shadowhunters and leaning on your parabatai in time of crisis was not only accepted but expected. However, asking for help, leaning on other people like that…. That was not a common thing in Idris.</p>
  <p>“I know you don’t believe that. You don’t feel that it is true but that’s why I am hoping we can talk a little and we can take it from there,” she encouraging, softening the words with another smile.</p>
  <p>Alec and Jace looked at each other and then her. They nodded before leaving the room, Jace bringing the leaflet with him. Catarina looked after them thoughtfully. All things considered she was satisfied with today’s talk. It would take time and she felt they would likely connect more with the Mundanes who had suffered like they had but they were not ready for that yet. Until then she would try and talk to them some more. It seemed to go better when she voiced what she believed had happened. She decided that tomorrow she would try and build upon her assumptions on what had happened to them based on their injuries and reactions. She was getting a clearer picture now of what they had been through. Their captors had wanted something from Jace which required him to be in good physical condition and had used Alec as leverage and had punished him for anything Jace didn’t do or failed or maybe just in general or as a test or an experiment. From their reactions when she had mentioned rape she was certain Alec had been a victim of sexual assault. Maybe not rape but certainly an attack of some kind. When she had talked to Magnus right after they had freed them she had suspected as much from what he had told her but he hadn’t wanted to be specific or confirm anything, not thinking it was his place to tell. She went back to her desk to write up her notes and to flesh out her initial ideas for a recovery plan for them both.</p>
  <p>Meanwhile Magnus had entered the bedroom and found Clary sitting on the floor next to the bed, hugging her legs to her chest and sniffling. She raised her head and looked at him, wiping away her tears when she saw him.</p>
  <p>“Biscuit?” Magnus asked softly as he came closer.</p>
  <p>“Magnus,” she acknowledged, fighting to sound normal but her voice still sounded low and like a little girl.</p>
  <p>“Can I sit here next to you?” Magnus asked when he stopped before her.</p>
  <p>She nodded and waved at the spot on the floor next to her.</p>
  <p>“Sure,” she agreed.</p>
  <p>They sat in silence for a while.</p>
  <p>“Jace hates me,” Clary finally said when the silence became too painful for her, her voice agonized and tormented.</p>
  <p>Magnus shook his head and placed a hand on her knee in support.</p>
  <p>“He doesn’t, Biscuit. He loves you,” he assured her.</p>
  <p>She gave him an insecure look, her eyelashes wet from tears and her eyes red and puffy.</p>
  <p>“Does he?” she asked in a small voice.</p>
  <p>Magnus nodded.</p>
  <p>“Of course he does,” he insisted.</p>
  <p>“He seems so…aloof towards me,” Clary said in confusion as she squeezed Magnus’ hand on her knee.</p>
  <p>“It just takes some time,” Magnus assured her.</p>
  <p>“How much time?” She asked eagerly, almost desperately.</p>
  <p>“I don’t know,” he admitted and was sad that he couldn’t tell her that, seeing how disappointed she looked at his response.</p>
  <p>“I have already waited almost half a year for him and now that I have him back it’s like he’s not even here,” Clary complained, her voice filled with pain and frustration.</p>
  <p>It felt so unfair. Fighting so long to get him back and then when he was back…it was like he wasn’t really back. It wasn’t fair! It just wasn’t!</p>
  <p>“I know,” he said sympathetically.</p>
  <p>Clary got lost to memories of how these last few days with Jace had been compared to what she had dreamt. She had imagined something close to the ending of a movie; everything would be great and happy and they would hug and kiss and it would be like he had never been gone. What had she gotten? He was barely with her. He left her side the moment Alec even sneezed. She understood they were parabatai and they had been through something bad together but they were back now. Shouldn’t she be allowed to have some of his attention now? And this whole not talking about it? How was she ever to become important again to Jace if he only wanted that experience with Alec? She felt as if he pushed her outside of it on purpose. She wasn’t a little girl; she could take it. He could tell her. She wanted to be there for him. Why did he deny her that? Why did he on purpose insist to only share that with Alec?</p>
  <p>“Don’t tell me it doesn’t bother you,” she asked after a few seconds, sounding more jealous and hurt than she wanted.</p>
  <p>“What does?” Magnus asked confused, lost in her jump in topics.</p>
  <p>“That Alec needs Jace and not you,” she asked frankly, trying to get a reaction from him.</p>
  <p>“It doesn’t,” Magnus said softly.</p>
  <p>“Come on! You started a war for him to get him back and now that he is here, he and Jace can barely be apart for more than a few seconds!” Clary protested, not believing him.</p>
  <p>“And I would gladly start a million more wars for him,” Magnus said with conviction, his voice still calm.</p>
  <p>“And it doesn’t bother you?” Clary asked again, still not believing him.</p>
  <p>“No, it doesn’t,” he insisted.</p>
  <p>“Well, it bothers me! It’s not fair,” she admitted, annoyed now at him for his answer, for being so understanding when she couldn’t be.</p>
  <p>“Biscuit, what did you think would happen when we got them back?” Magnus asked kindly after a few seconds of silence to give her time to calm down.</p>
  <p>“I don’t know,” she said in a small voice but she was looking down as she spoke, avoiding his eyes.</p>
  <p>“You clearly thought something, expected something,” Magnus insisted, knowing she was lying to him about that.</p>
  <p>“Yes, I expected he needed me. He doesn’t. All he needs is Alec,” she said in a pained voice as she looked up at him again.</p>
  <p>“He needs you,” Magnus insisted softly.</p>
  <p>She shook her head.</p>
  <p>“Yeah, right,” she said darkly, sarcastically.</p>
  <p>“No, he does,” Magnus insisted.</p>
  <p>“He doesn’t act like it,” she pointed out, wanting to believe him but unable to.</p>
  <p>“He can’t. Not yet,” Magnus explained.</p>
  <p>“They don’t want to talk about it. They both need to talk about it to get better,” she insisted stubbornly.</p>
  <p>Magnus was silent for a moment before he replied, “Maybe.”</p>
  <p>Clary gave him a disbelieving look.</p>
  <p>“Maybe? That’s how you get over trauma,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>She knew about this. She had seen films and TV series about people getting over abuse or things like that. You went to a shrink, talked it through, used your support network, joined some groups and got better. A key turning point was telling those close to you about it so if she could just get Jace to talk to her…</p>
  <p>“For Mundanes,” Magnus reminded her.</p>
  <p>“They might have angel blood but they are still human,” Clary insisted, not seeing why it should matter that her frame of reference was from the Mundane life she had lived till she was 18 years old.</p>
  <p>“True but they were raised to fight and kill since birth. Mundanes aren’t,” Magnus reminded her.</p>
  <p>“So they don’t need to talk?” Clary asked her disbelieving.</p>
  <p>“Yes, eventually, I think that would do them both some good but this can’t happen in your timeframe nor would that alone be enough,” Magnus explained his position on it.</p>
  <p>“You are saying they need to kill those people?!” Clary asked disbelieving.</p>
  <p>How could Magnus of all people say that? To her Magnus was like this powerful glittery youthful guy who helped everyone and who was always so kind and considerate. That was how she saw Magnus because that was how he was towards her. She didn’t consider there could be more sides to him; didn’t want to see it despite knowing what Magnus had done to find Alec.</p>
  <p>“Yes,” he said grimly, matter of fact. He paused before he added in a dark tone, “So do I.”</p>
  <p>She looked shocked at him for a moment and could see he was serious. He needed that revenge as much as they did.</p>
  <p>“Well, I don’t,” she said in a lost tone of voice, unsure when her world had been turned so much upside down that actually saying you did not need to kill people for revenge was the abnormal thing to say.</p>
  <p>In some ways she had always known the Shadow World had been a dark place; after all no society gets children to fight demons like the Shadowhunters did if everything was flowers and rainbows. But she hadn’t wanted to look behind the facade. She hadn’t wanted to know what kind of brutal parenting that would require, she had not wanted to know what kind of childhood that would give or what kind of society would allow that. She had been fascinated by the skills of her new friends and the magic, like literal magic, that existed. Like Magnus; all glitter, make-up, shine and smiles on the outside but rarely sharing his real and deep fears, worries and insecurities with anyone – until he had met Alec.</p>
  <p>“I know,” Magnus said reassuringly.</p>
  <p>“I mean we need to make sure they don’t do this again but maybe just jail or something,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>“Do you know what Idris does to prisoners?” Magnus asked her when her statement made it clear to him just how little she actually knew about the Shadow World if she believed jail was truly a kind alternative.</p>
  <p>“What?” She asked, a bit hesitantly because she could tell from his tone the answer would not be nice.</p>
  <p>“They burn them alive,” Magnus told her grimly.</p>
  <p>“What?!” Clary asked shocked.</p>
  <p>Magnus took a deep breath, trying to find a way to explain this that she would understand.</p>
  <p>“Biscuit, the Shadow World is not nice or merciful. Yes, Idris jails a few people but only a few and believe me; most would rather take the burning then. What you are asking is too soon and too much,” he said softly, his voice imploring her to accept his words.</p>
  <p>Clary fought to recover from hearing this. She was unsure what he really meant to tell her with saying that. She was thoughtful for a moment, trying to come to grasp with everything and feeling very lost.</p>
  <p>“But if Jace is not working on getting better…” Clary said in a small voice, understanding his words to mean that she couldn’t expect Jace to talk to her or seek counselling in the foreseeable future.</p>
  <p>“Then what?” Magnus prompted when her voice died away.</p>
  <p>“How can we ever be a real couple again?” Clary asked, blushing a bit as she asked that, aware he would understand that she meant everything – going on dates, having sex…one day marriage and kids. Everything.</p>
  <p>Magnus frowned for a moment, understanding what she was asking.</p>
  <p>“Who makes that decision?” Magnus asked.</p>
  <p>“What?” she asked surprised, having not expected that reply.</p>
  <p>“Who defines what a real couple is and what they do or don’t do?” Magnus clarified his question.</p>
  <p>“Well….” Clary began, unsure what to say to that.</p>
  <p>“You do. You and Jace,” Magnus interrupted her, answering his own question. “So just redefine it,” he concluded.</p>
  <p>“I am not sure I can,” she admitted in a pained voice.</p>
  <p>“You are going to have to try if you want this to work,” Magnus insisted strongly, trying to balance his sympathy for her position with his clear conviction that she would have to be stronger, to pull herself together, if she was to stay with Jace and help him through this.</p>
  <p>“It’s not that easy,” she complained, looking lost.</p>
  <p>“I know,” he said, not unkindly, giving her a soft look. “I know you wanted something else. You imagined us rescuing them was the end of this nightmare and instead you find it is just the start of new challenges and that scares you.”</p>
  <p>She nodded as she said softly, “Yes. I does.”</p>
  <p>“That’s also ok,” Magnus reassured her.</p>
  <p>“I just want things to be the way they were,” she said in a small and lost voice, her eyes almost pleading with him to fix that magically and for a moment, he so very much wished that he could do that. For her; for them all.</p>
  <p>“I know,” Magnus said softly but then his voice turned colder as he added, “But they never will be.”</p>
  <p>His words felt like a knife in her heart and she looked at him with accursing eyes.</p>
  <p>“Why….why are you being so….” She complained.</p>
  <p>“Honest?” Magnus interrupted.</p>
  <p>“Mean,” she said instead, giving him a dark look.</p>
  <p>“I am not being mean; I am being truthful. Things will never be the same. The sooner you accept that the better,” Magnus insisted calmly but his gaze was now kind again, melting her anger so only her pain remained.</p>
  <p>“I don’t know what to do,” Clary admitted in a lost tone.</p>
  <p>“Well, maybe go ask Catrina for advice when she is done talking to Jace and Alexander. She deals with Mundanes a lot,” Magnus suggested.</p>
  <p>Like all Warlocks he was born to the Shadow World so her difficulty settling in and understanding the customs, culture and rules of this new world was not something he had personal experience with.</p>
  <p>“I am not a Mundane,” Clary protested, a bit annoyed at people using that as an insult.</p>
  <p>So what that she hadn’t trained since birth to kill people and that she had actually had a normal childhood, gone to high school….done stuff people do growing up? Why should she be belittled for that? She had had a happy childhood and she was grateful for that; maybe even more so after she had learned of the Shadow World and she had understood how short a childhood she would have had if she had been raised in Idris; if any at all.</p>
  <p>“Technically not but in all things that matter here then you are,” Magnus said matter of fact but his voice was kind and not condescending, just stating a fact.</p>
  <p>“Ok. I will talk to her,” Clary agreed, understanding he was trying to help.</p>
  <p>“Thank you,” Magnus said, smiling widely as he hugged her.</p>
  <p>She enjoyed holding him close for a few seconds before they separated again. She hesitated but then couldn’t help but ask what she had been wondering since Jace and Alec had been rescued.</p>
  <p>“Do you think…” she started to ask, hesitantly, her voice unsure and pained.</p>
  <p>“Don’t go there,” Magnus warned, cutting her off.</p>
  <p>“You don’t know what I am going to say,” Clary protested in a surprised tone.</p>
  <p>“You want to know if Jace would choose Alec or you if given the choice,” Magnus said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>She stared surprised at him. How had he known that?</p>
  <p>“Well…yes,” she admitted.</p>
  <p>“You want to know if he loves Alec more than you,” Magnus went on with that unnerving insightfulness that left her breathless.</p>
  <p>“Yes,” she admitted in a small voice, nodding.</p>
  <p>Magnus took a deep breath before he said shortly, “Don’t ask that.”</p>
  <p>“Why not? If he loves me then his answer should be obvious,” she protested.</p>
  <p>“It’s not that easy. Things have changed,” Magnus reminded her.</p>
  <p>She shook her head stubbornly.</p>
  <p>“No, they haven’t. Not for me at least,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>Magnus was silent for a few moments. Then he briefly closed his eyes before he replied.</p>
  <p>“Clarissa, what do you think happened to them in those months?” he asked her, his voice serious.</p>
  <p>“Well….bad things obviously,” she said vaguely, not really wanting to think about it.</p>
  <p>“They were clearly tortured, Alec more than Jace,” Magnus said matter of fact, sympathy and pain for that fact flashing briefly across his face before he forced his feelings away before they would consume him. He had to stay strong not only for the rebellion he himself had started but also for his friends. They were depending on him and he would not let any one of them down.</p>
  <p>“So Jace is better,” Clary insisted with a smile, not even wanting to consider Jace having been hurt or not feeling well. He had to be ok because she wanted him to be ok.</p>
  <p>Magnus shook his head, a hint of frustration in his eyes for her stubborn simple logic regarding this.</p>
  <p>“No. he is physically stronger. He is not mentally better,” Magnus insisted.</p>
  <p>“Butt….he wasn’t hurt as much,” she insisted stubbornly.</p>
  <p>“Not physically. Not like Alexander clearly was,” Magnus admitted, fighting down his pain and guilt at even saying it.</p>
  <p>“Where are you going with this?” Clary asked confused.</p>
  <p>“That you can’t ask for a choice between the love for a partner and the love for a brother you have suffered through Hell for and with,” Magnus said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>“You are saying Jace loves Alec more than me?” Clary pressured, her voice pained and agonized.</p>
  <p>Magnus shook his head, getting a bit annoyed that she was missing his point.</p>
  <p>“I am saying don’t ask the question,” he clarified.</p>
  <p>“Because he does,” Clary said softly, defeated.</p>
  <p>“No. Because it is not compatible. Jace would die for you both; it would be like asking if you would rather live without your heart or your lungs,” Magnus tried to explain it again, hoping she would get it now.</p>
  <p>She gave him a confused look, thinking it over in her mind.</p>
  <p>“But….When I first met Jace he was <strong>so</strong> into me. I even felt a bit sorry for Alec; he spoke quite cruelly to him at times,” she recalled reflectively.</p>
  <p>“I remember,” Magnus said, having noticed that too and hadn’t liked it one bit.</p>
  <p>“Had I asked him back then….” Clary said thoughtfully, her voice trailing off, filled with lost dreams.</p>
  <p>“They are still parabatai. Their souls are connected. You might still not have gotten the response you wanted,” Magnus warned her.</p>
  <p>“But I might,” she insisted.</p>
  <p>“Maybe,” he agreed vaguely.</p>
  <p>“And now….not,” she said defeated, sadly, feeling insure and not good enough.</p>
  <p>Magnus was unsure how to help her, feeling a bit lost with her emotions on this matter.</p>
  <p>“Clarissa, go talk to Catarina. Ask her advice. It is hard to be the spouse and she can maybe explain how Mundane spouses deal with things,” Magnus suggested.</p>
  <p>Clary nodded, doubting anyone could help her.</p>
  <p>“Am I a bad person?” Clary asked softly after a few seconds of silence, not looking at him as she spoke.</p>
  <p>“Why?” he asked surprised.</p>
  <p>“For wanting Jace to myself. For not wanting to share him with Alec. For wanting us to have our own bedroom. For wanting things back the way they were,” she asked quietly, agonized, looking at him now.</p>
  <p>“No, not at all, Biscuit,” he said softly, tenderly, as he stroked her cheek.</p>
  <p>“You don’t wish things back to how they were?” she asked.</p>
  <p>“I can wish for it and still accept and be ok with the fact they never will be,” Magnus said softly.</p>
  <p>She thought about his answer, wishing she could feel like he did, have that kind of understanding and patience.</p>
  <p>“Yeah…” she just said vaguely.</p>
  <p>After a few more seconds, Magnus squeezed her knee again in support before he rose.</p>
  <p>“I need to go read some communiques regarding our approach towards the Clave and Idris. I am expecting their reply soon regarding our news that Jace and Alec are alive,” Magnus told her as he rose.</p>
  <p>“Ok,” she just said, remaining seated, not ready to face the world just yet.</p>
  <p>“You’ll be ok, Biscuit. And remember to take your own advice,” he said softly, smiling as he looked down at her.</p>
  <p>“Which is?” she asked, looking up at him.</p>
  <p>“Talk to someone about it,” he reminded her.</p>
  <p>“Yeah,” Clary said softly, nodding.</p>
  <p>Magnus gave her one last fond look before he turned and walked to the door. Just as his hand was on the door handle, her voice stopped him.</p>
  <p>“Oh, and Magnus?”</p>
  <p>Magnus turned and looked at her questioning, “Yes, Biscuit?”</p>
  <p>She gave him a warm smile as she said, “Thank you.”</p>
  <p>Magnus smiled back as he said, “You’re welcome.”</p>
  <p>Magnus walked out of the room and closed the door after himself, giving her some privacy. He smiled as he saw Jace and Alec walking towards him, coming from Catarina’s room. Jace left a leaflet he had in his hand on a small side table they passed.</p>
  <p>“How did it go, darling?” Magnus asked Alec when they reached each other in the middle of the living room.</p>
  <p>Alec smiled fondly at him and gave him a quick embrace and kiss before he pulled back.</p>
  <p>“Fine,” Alec said shortly but his smile had now faded.</p>
  <p>“Brilliant,” Magnus insisted cheerfully, knowing from Alec’s response and Jace’s grim look it likely hadn’t really gone that well but that was also a start.</p>
  <p>“I guess,” Alec said noncommittedly, shrugging.</p>
  <p>“Do you want to have a drink with me on the balcony?” Magnus asked with a warm smile, touching his arm, enjoying just having him close, being able to touch him again.</p>
  <p>Alec couldn’t help but smile back.</p>
  <p>“Yes but…” he started to agree but then cast a look at Jace that Magnus caught and he also caught how Jace tensed and his hands formed fists at the idea of Alec being removed from his sight.</p>
  <p>“We will leave the door open; it gets so hot in here,” Magnus commented lightly.</p>
  <p>Alec instinctively relaxed at not having to ask about it, at them being able to pretend it was normal he had difficulty being in a different room from Jace. It was not just Alec who relaxed at the news the door would remain open; Jace unclasped his fists and his shoulders relaxed.</p>
  <p>“Clary?” Jace asked, his voice worried and a bit tense considering how they had ended things.</p>
  <p>“She will be out in a moment,” Magnus reassured him with an encouraging smile.</p>
  <p>“Ok,” Jace agreed but still looked a bit worried.</p>
  <p>“Speaking of….Clarissa,” Magnus said with a smile as the door to the bedroom opened and she came out.</p>
  <p>She had cleaned up and reapplied her make-up so no one could tell she had been crying. She was smiling at them as she walked over to them.</p>
  <p>“Are you….ok?” Jace asked softly, worry in his eyes as she stopped before him.</p>
  <p>She hugged him and he eagerly hugged her back and their lips met in a loving kiss. When she drew back, she was smiling at him before she pulled out of his embrace.</p>
  <p>“Yes. Thanks. Sorry about earlier,” Clary said and did a hand wave as if it was not important.</p>
  <p>“It’s ok,” Jace quickly reassured her, just as eager to forget about it, while Magnus and Alec went to the balcony.</p>
  <p>Jace followed them with his eyes and was relieved when Magnus indeed let the balcony doors stand open.</p>
  <p>“I….This is all new to me but I realize I can’t force you to talk,” Clary said matter of fact.</p>
  <p>“Clary…” Jace started to say but then stopped, unsure what to say next.</p>
  <p>“Maybe we should just talk about something else,” Clary suggested, interrupted him, forcing her voice to sound normal but her eyes had a hint of pain she couldn’t hide.</p>
  <p>“Ok,” Jace agreed, missing that hint of pain as he had been observing Magnus and Alec.</p>
  <p>Seeing they were fine, Jace turned and gave her his full attention, happy to see she looked normal – happy even.</p>
  <p>“It’s almost time for lunch. Want to help me prepare something?” she asked him with a bright smile.</p>
  <p>“Sure,” he said, nodding and smiling at her.</p>
  <p>She took his hand as they went to the kitchen to do just that. They prepared lunch together while having small talk about nothing and occasionally kissing. It was everything Jace wanted and everything Clary didn’t want but she smiled and went along with it, hoping that in time he would actually talk to her.</p>
  <p>Meanwhile Magnus and Alec had sat down by a small table out on the balcony. Magnus pulled out a chair for Alec, making sure it was the chair facing inwards so he would be able to see Jace interact with Clary through the open balcony doors. Alec smiled and blushed at the gallant and thoughtful gesture, giving Magnus a kiss on the cheek in thanks.</p>
  <p>“Would you like a glass of red wine?” Magnus asked when he sat down, smiling charmingly at Alec.</p>
  <p>“Why not?” Alec replied with a smile of his own, calculating it was around midday.</p>
  <p>Magnus snapped his fingers and they each had a glass of red wine in their hands.</p>
  <p>“Here you go,” he said unnecessarily.</p>
  <p>“Thank you,” Alec said and they touched glasses across the table and each took a sip.</p>
  <p>They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, Alec just enjoying being technically outside while still feeling safe. He wasn’t ready to leave the loft just yet; not that anyone had even suggested it. But after only seeing the ship for so long it was nice with the fresh air and seeing clouds and birds, buildings and trees.</p>
  <p>“I am awaiting the response from Idris, likely later today, regarding the fact that Jace and you are alive. I think that response might tell us a bit more regarding who else was involved. I am also expecting more information regarding the details for the two remaining Mundane groups in terms of manpower and firepower. If you want we can go through the incoming information in a few hours or tomorrow in preparation for the next planning meeting with Luke, Lorenzo and the others,” Magnus offered, making it clear he was welcome to be as involved in this to the degree he wanted and needed to be.</p>
  <p>Alec nodded grimly, taking another sip of his wine, enjoying tasting something other than water after so many months. He had a feeling it would take a long time before Jace and he stopped enjoying eating and drinking something else, other than the water, bread and porridge that the majority of their meals on the ship had consisted of.</p>
  <p>“Sounds good. I will go train till then,” Alec said with a determined look.</p>
  <p>“Good, darling,” Magnus said, taking another sip of his wine, mentally reminding himself to watch out for Alec in terms of his training.</p>
  <p>Before all of this had started, Alec had sometimes on purpose not healed injuries or exercised until he were injured and kept going as a way to punish and harm himself if he felt he had failed. He doubted this ordeal would have cupped Alec’s tendency for self-harm.</p>
  <p>“Catarina wants to come again tomorrow,” Alec said softly after a few seconds, looking down into his wine.</p>
  <p>“Sounds fine. She is always welcome,” Magnus responded, mainly to encourage Alec to keep talking about how he felt about it.</p>
  <p>“I still won’t talk to her,” he said firmly as he looked from his wine to Magnus.</p>
  <p>“You don’t have to. But if you need it I am here or she or someone else,” Magnus reassured him with a smile.</p>
  <p>“Hmm…” Alec said thoughtfully, taking another sip of his wine, liking how Magnus was not pushing or saying how he needed to do this or that.</p>
  <p>“You know….you can ask me anything and I would not ask you to explain. You can tell me anything and I will not ask you to clarify or justify your position,” Magnus offered after a few seconds of silence, feeling like Alec was thinking about something.</p>
  <p>Alec gave him a piercing look.</p>
  <p>“No matter what?” he asked, needing to be sure.</p>
  <p>“No matter what,” Magnus calmed him.</p>
  <p>Alec took a deep breath, wanting, needing to ask about something that had haunted him for weeks. He needed to know. He couldn’t move on otherwise.</p>
  <p>“The….Mundanes who held us captive….” Alec said softly, so quietly Magnus almost couldn’t hear him, looking at his wine glass, his hand around it so tight Magnus for a moment feared Alec would splitter the glass.</p>
  <p>“Yes?” Magnus prompted softly when he feel silent.</p>
  <p>“A few weeks ago they came with a female prisoner, she wore a prison jumpsuit like in Mundane jails,” Alec explained with a pained air, fighting not to go back to those memories, not to think about what he had done, just not think about it!</p>
  <p>“Yes?” Magnus encouraged kindly, almost holding his breath in the hope Alec would continue.</p>
  <p>Alec downed the rest of his wine and with a snap of Magnus’ fingers his glass was refilled. Alec took a sip for courage before he spoke again.</p>
  <p>“Can you figure out who she was?” Alec asked, looking at him now, his expression agonized and vulnerable.</p>
  <p>Magnus didn’t have to be told the woman was dead and Alec felt responsible for that; had maybe even caused it. He was not surprised nor shocked; while these Mundanes had been brutal, he had seen so much worse brutality from Mundanes and Shadowhunters alike during his long life. Living for hundreds of years did put some things in perspective, for better or worse.</p>
  <p>Magnus reached out a hand over the table and just laid it there, waiting, smiling encouragingly at Alec. After a second or two, Alec shyly took it, squeezing it. Magnus’ smile widened. They held hands for a few more seconds before Magnus pulled back, releasing Alec’s hand a little reluctantly.</p>
  <p>“We have all the documents from the ship and I have asked Simon to continue hacking into the Mundane operations. I am sure we can find a prisoner transfer order or financial payments to one of the private jails or something like that now we know what we are looking for,” Magnus reassured him.</p>
  <p>“Thank you,” Alec said softly, avoiding his gaze, fighting down his feelings of shame and guilt at what he had done.</p>
  <p>“You know, whatever happened nothing will ever make me love you less,” Magnus told him frankly, seeing the hesitation and fear, the self-loathing and the pain in Alec’s expression.</p>
  <p>Alec smiled relieved at him but Magnus was unsure if he dared to truly believe it because while Magnus didn’t love him any less he also knew that Alec had a very hard time forgiving himself and even harder time loving himself.</p>
  <p>“Thank you. I love you too,” Alec said happily, before he impulsively put his wine glass on the table and went over and kissed Magnus on the lips before he gave him a hug.</p>
  <p>Magnus pulled him down into his lap, fighting to hide his surprise at how bony Alec felt under his hands and how easy it was to pull him down. Not that Alec was fighting sitting in his lap but he felt clearly physically weaker and thinner. Alec put his arms around Magnus’ neck and Magnus made sure not to show his worry and concern at feeling these changes in Alec’s body. He smiled warmly up at him and stroked his cheek tenderly. Wanting to feel more of him Alec tried to hide his face by Magnus’ neck, having to curl himself up a bit to try and make it work with their height differences. Magnus put his arms around him and held him close, enjoying knowing he was here and he was safe. It shouldn’t really be comfortable to sit like this but for both of them it was the best feeling they had had in months.</p>
  <p>Magnus started to stroke Alec’s hair before he kissed the top of his head tenderly.</p>
  <p>“At Max’ rune ceremony when a spell enhanced your insecurities and you almost killed yourself I told you I had once considered ending my life,” Magnus suddenly said, his voice thoughtful.</p>
  <p>Alec pulled a bit back so he could look at him and gave him a look filled with worry and love as he said, “I know. I’m sorry you suffered like that.”</p>
  <p>Magnus smiled at his support before he added in a serious voice, “I am bringing it up because while I have never myself been a prisoner this is purely luck and because Warlocks as you know would rather take poison than become prisoners.”</p>
  <p>Alec nodded grimly, “I know.”</p>
  <p>“This is not a position of strength but simply because we are aware that as Warlocks we can be used as weapons against others,” Magnus clarified, to be sure Alec understood that neither he nor Warlock culture in general looked down on prisoners of war or thought any less of them.</p>
  <p>“I understand that,” Alec assured him, unsure where Magnus was going with this.</p>
  <p>“I know you don’t like me telling of my past relationships but I will tell you something now as I believe hearing it might help you. I loved a Mundane soldier once,” Magnus went on.</p>
  <p>“I know. I found your box,” Alec admitted, trying not to be jealous about this.</p>
  <p>Of course Magnus had had other lovers and relationships before him; he was hundreds of years old. Anything else would frankly had been unusual. He was starting to understand that a lot better as Magnus and he had been together for longer.</p>
  <p>“Yes,” Magnus acknowledged, not really wishing to discuss that part of their past so he quickly moved on, “Anyway, he was a prisoner of war for over a year.”</p>
  <p>“What happened?” Alec asked, intrigued despite himself.</p>
  <p>“I nursed him back to health physically and stayed with him till the day he died,” Magnus explained, a hint of pain and fond remembrance in his eyes.</p>
  <p>Alec forced himself not to imagine himself in that same fate while Magnus kept living. Not a nice prospect at all.</p>
  <p>“What had happened to him?” Alec asked instead, sympathy overshadowing his jealousy and his fear of growing old without Magnus doing the same.</p>
  <p>“They had beaten and tortured him. Raped him repeatedly too,” Magnus explained with dark remembrance and pain.</p>
  <p>“Did he…. Recover?” Alec asked softly, hesitantly.</p>
  <p>“Little. Day by day,” Magnus assured him.</p>
  <p>“So….he got over it?” Alec repeated with relief in his voice.</p>
  <p>If a Mundane could suffer all of that and get over it, there was hope for Jace and him. More than that; if Magnus had been able to love this Mundane, even after all of that, till the day he died….that gave him some ammunition against his self-doubt and insecurities regarding his own worthlessness now after what he had been through. Knowing this about Magnus didn’t make his fears and insecurities that he wasn’t good enough for Magnus disappear but it helped him fight those feelings with some rational and logical arguments which sometimes might work or at least make it a bit easier.</p>
  <p>Magnus shook his head, tightening his arms around Alec.</p>
  <p>“No. He learned to live with it,” Magnus clarified.</p>
  <p>“He did?” Alec asked hopefully.</p>
  <p>Magnus nodded, his expression softening.</p>
  <p>“Yes, and so can you. And I am here for you every step of the way,” Magnus assured him tenderly.</p>
  <p>Alec smiled and kissed him softly before pulling a bit back, his arms still around his neck. He went back to laying his head by his shoulder.</p>
  <p>“Thank you. I love you,” Alec mumbled heartfelt against his neck.</p>
  <p>“I love you too, Alexander,” Magnus said fondly, kissing the top of his head.</p>
  <p>“I want to tell you what happened. I do,” Alec admitted against his neck, finding it easier to talk to him like this for some reason.</p>
  <p>“It’s ok,” Magnus reassured him, stroking his hair.</p>
  <p>“I don’t want secrets between us,” Alec insisted softly.</p>
  <p>“Me neither but it’s ok. I understand,” Magnus comforted him.</p>
  <p>“I know. That means a lot,” Alec admitted softly.</p>
  <p>“Take your time,” Magnus encouraged tenderly, enjoying just holding him and having him close. That was truly more than enough for him.</p>
  <p>“It’s just that talking about it….It makes it real somehow. It makes it real in a new way. Saying it here, at the loft. Your place….Our place,” Alec admitted with a pained breath against Magnus’ neck, squeezing his eyes shut against tears he refused to shed.</p>
  <p>“I understand, darling,” Magnus said affectionately, nodding to emphasize his words even though Alec couldn’t see it.</p>
  <p>“I will tell you. Just not right now,” Alec promised, his breath warm against Magnus’ skin.</p>
  <p>“It’s ok. I am here when you are ready. Take your time. I love you as you are and you have nothing to prove to me,” Magnus told him, kissing the top of his head, his arms protective and loving around Alec’s frame, keeping him close, warm and safe.</p>
  <p>“Thank you. I love you too,” Alec whispered, smiling against Magnus’ skin, breathing in his scent, the feeling of being surrounded by the man he loved, having him fill all of his senses and letting himself drown in him, feeling truly safe and loved for the first time in months if only for a little while.<br/><br/></p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you liked it then feedback and kudos would mean the world to me and motivates me to keep writing on this story. :)</p><p>Thanks for reading along so far</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. One Step at a Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Magnus and Jace talk, Alec is injured, Alec and Clary share a moment and Izzy help Jace. Finally, Magnus gets a much needed chance to relax a bit.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to Monochromatize and Cindy for great beta work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions child abuse, the result of self-harm is shown but not how it is done, mentions panic attacks, mentions anxiety, mentions general PTSD feelings like guilt and anger and mentions self-esteem issues disguised as social isolation, bragging and social awkwardness, among others.<br/>Also, drinking in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read chapter notes for warnings for this chapter</strong>
</p><h1>Chapter 5: One Step at a Time</h1><p> </p><p>It was getting close to dinnertime when Jace walked out of the bedroom he now shared with Clary, Alec and Magnus. His hair was still damp from his shower and he was dressed in jeans and a loose shirt. He spotted Magnus in the kitchen, making coffee and went over to him.</p><p>Alec and he had sparred together in the training room for a while, both with blades and Jace was delighted to have his favorite weapons back. Even without using his runes or his angelic powers, Jace easily beat Alec in his weakened state. Alec had been angry when he had noticed that Jace was holding back with him so they had gone a few rounds with Jace not holding back but even without using runes Jace quickly won. It had taken Jace a few minutes to beat Alec when he used his strength and stamina runes but even then Alec’s body had clear limitations it had not had before.</p><p>Jace had always been able to beat Alec in battle, he had always been the stronger and better fighter, but Alec used to be able to hold his own for much longer. Finally, Alec had switched to archery, sweating and his hand almost shaking when he picked up his bow from the strain and the emotions of holding his own weapon again, touching it again. Jace had stayed and observed him for a few minutes but Alec seemed focused on his task like always. Alec had encouraged him to go change and get ready for dinner; he would shoot a few more arrows and then come. Jace had considered it but also knew that he needed to prove to Alec he trusted him and that he trusted he could take of himself too. He had seen the doubt and embarrassment in his eyes and face at losing the sparring matches so spectacularly. He could see how insecure and inadequate it made Alec feel and Jace knew his parabatai had always struggled with low self-esteem issues. Therefore, even though Jace worried for him, he had put his weapons away and went to shower and change to show Alec he did believe in him and his abilities.</p><p>Izzy had noticed Clary needed some air so she had taken her for the most Mundane thing she could think of that she herself knew about and liked; getting an ice cream. They had purposely not talked about the conflict with Idris or about Jace and Alec. For a few hours, the two young girls had almost felt…normal. It had been nice. Jace and Alec had been sparring when the girls had returned so they had went to the operations room to see if they could help with anything. Lorenzo had made a portal and arrived with Andrew a little later, giving Magnus an update on demon activity and rumors from Idris and the Downworld. Lorenzo and Andrew had also went to tie up some loose ends in the operations room as Jace returned from his shower.</p><p>“Is Alec still training?” Jace asked Magnus when he reached him, looking a bit anxiously towards the training room, not liking to be separated from Alec.</p><p>Jace had hoped Alec would have been out by now so it wouldn’t have been an issue. He fought down his feelings of anxiety and worry; Alec was literally right next door. He would be out any minute. He could do this.</p><p>Magnus had seen Jace come towards him and had found a second coffee mug, handing Jace the mug with coffee, which he took with a small nod of thanks.</p><p>“Yes,” Magnus conceded, looking towards the training room with a hint of worry but also determined to give Alec some space and air to breathe.</p><p>Jace took a sip of his coffee and felt Alec through the bond. He had mostly closed the connection but he was getting echoes of fatigue and concentration but no pain, which made him relax a bit but only a bit as over-training was a clear trigger in Alec and always had been, in particular when he was not feeling good enough.</p><p>“I’ll go have a look,” Jace said as he put his coffee mug on the kitchen counter and was about to go to the training room when Magnus’ voice stopped him.</p><p>“Can we talk first?” Magnus asked, his expression serious.</p><p>“I…” Jace said, his voice dying out. They owed Magnus their life and he was a friend but he really wanted to go see Alec and just reassure himself he was alright, just in case, and he really didn’t want to talk.</p><p>“Just for a moment,” Magnus assured him as he walked out of the kitchen and sat by the dining table, nodding to the chair next to him.</p><p>Jace sighed a bit when he realized he couldn’t really get out of this one. He took the coffee mug and sat down next to Magnus. After taking another sip, he leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest, giving Magnus a closed and guarded expression.</p><p>“Ok. What do you want to talk about?” Jace asked.</p><p>“Mostly I just want you to listen,” Magnus reassured him and his words made some of the tension leave the young blond Shadowhunter.</p><p>“Ok,” Jace agreed, a hint of curiosity in his voice.</p><p>“I know some of what happened to Alexander and you,” Magnus started to say, making sure he kept his voice and tone even and calm. Neither of them needed or wanted his sympathies or his feelings regarding this at the moment.</p><p>Jace’s expression hardened and closed, feeling like he had been deceived.</p><p>“I don’t….” Jace said in a cold voice, pulling a bit away from Magnus physically, mentally and emotionally.</p><p>“I know he was tortured and I know he was almost raped. I know he killed a female prisoner,” Magnus interrupted him, reminding him that he had been there for the rescue, he had tortured Alec’s would have been rapist to death himself and he had seen Alec’s scars, some of them at least and Alec had himself earlier told him about the prisoner. That Alec had killed her was just the natural conclusion to their conversation.</p><p>“Where are you going with this?” Jace asked coldly, not confirming or denying anything as this was Alec’s life and Alec’s relationship and Jace was not interfering in that.</p><p>“They used him against you, didn’t they?” Magnus asked with a hint of sympathy.</p><p>Jace considered if he should be honest as he was sure everyone had figured out how he was so unmarked and unharmed physically when Alec had suffered so horribly.</p><p>“Yes,” Jace admitted in a pained tone, looking down at the table for a moment before looking at Magnus again. He was taken back by the compassion he saw in the Warlock; compassion for him. Why was there compassion for him?!</p><p>“That can’t have been easy,” Magnus said softly.</p><p>Jace shook his head.</p><p>“They barely touched me,” Jace insisted, because they hadn’t and he was embarrassed to realize he often wished they had so he could at least have had that, have shown that. He had nothing. They had taken everything from him and had not even left him that!</p><p>“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard for you,” Magnus assured him warmly, touching his nearest arm briefly in sympathy and support.</p><p>Jace looked away for a moment, fighting to keep his emotions in check.</p><p>“What do you want me to say?” Jace asked in a small and agonized voice.</p><p>“Nothing but if you want to talk come see me,” Magnus offered.</p><p>“I don’t think so,” Jace denied, his voice stronger and colder now, having pulled himself more together.</p><p>“I understand better than you might think,” Magnus assured him and feeling like this conversation needed drinks instead of coffee they suddenly both had a glass of whiskey in their hands. Jace took a large sip of it but the burning liquid didn’t levitate his mental pain.</p><p>“Really? You saw your brother tortured and almost raped?” Jace asked him cruelly, his eyes shining golden for a second as his angelic powers flared before it disappeared again. He didn’t know why he said that; he was hurting and he wanted Magnus to hurt too. It wasn’t fair but that was what he felt like.</p><p>Magnus was unfazed by the direct and crude words, refusing to let Jace see how it pained him to know Alec had suffered like this. He had started this talk to focus on Jace’s pain; not Alec’s. Magnus took a large sip of his drink before spoke to make himself calm down.</p><p>“I had a mortal lover who was a prisoner of war many years ago. He was tortured and raped repeatedly over a prolonged period of time,” Magnus said in even and dark tone, looking directly at Jace when he spoke, not letting the memories of that pain resurface and take his strength from him.</p><p>Jace blushed in embarrassment and looked at him in shock; he couldn’t even begin to imagine how helpless Magnus would have had to feel. If he felt horrible now with what Alec had endured and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it…fuck! What Magnus would have had to have gone through….</p><p>“Shit,” Jace mumbled dismayed.</p><p>“Is my pain horrific enough to be considered in line with yours?” Magnus asked with the same crude bluntness Jace had used on him.</p><p>Some people needed love and support, hearts and flowers, to be helped and other people needed to be pushed, pulled and dragged over that finish line. Alec was most certainly the first case, needing to feel safe and loved to open up. Magnus had a feeling Jace was the second type and luckily for the parabatai pair Magnus’ many hundreds of years of life meant he had loved people who needed it either way.</p><p>“Sorry, Magnus. I didn’t mean that,” Jace admitted, giving him an apologetic smile.</p><p>Magnus nodded and smiled a little back before he reassured him, “I know.”</p><p>“It’s just difficult to talk about. I don’t feel like I suffered. Not like Alec did,” Jace told him honestly, opening up about this only because he felt he owed Magnus something for his crude words.</p><p>Magnus almost smiled in triumph. His plot had worked; Jace was saying something honest and true for the first time. He had known if he could get Jace into a position where he could somehow claim to himself he owed Magnus this honesty in return for another honesty and a perceived offence then it would be a good start.</p><p>“I know but I still think….” Magnus started to say, wording himself carefully in the hope Jace would keep talking to him about this.</p><p>Magnus knew how helpless he had felt with George, his mortal lover, and he honestly felt Jace and him might be able to truly understand each other over this shared experience in a way few others would ever be able to do. The feelings of guilt and pain, of remote agony, compassion and sympathy so strong it was strangling you….no one else would ever really get that.</p><p>Magnus was interrupted by an agonized yell from Jace.</p><p>“Fuck! Alec!” Jace suddenly screamed, touching his parabatai rune by his hip, his face twisted in pain.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked worried as they both rose, Magnus putting his whisky on the table, Jace having already placed his there earlier.</p><p>Jace started to walk fast and purposefully towards the training room, a hand still to his parabatai rune, a worried and pained frown on his face. Magnus swiftly matched his quick steps, equally worried now.</p><p>“Something is wrong with Alec,” Jace said unnecessarily as they both ran the last short distance to the training room and entered.</p><p>Alec was sitting on the floor, his hair damp from sweat and his whole body showing his fatigue and the strain he had put on himself. The target at the back wall had several arrows in it, all within the inner most circle. Next to Alec on the floor lay his bow and his quiver was still strapped to his back. He was cradling his right hand in his left in his lap and he was looking at his hand in horror and grief, fighting back tears and breathing heavily, fighting the beginnings of a panic attack. Some of his fingers seemed out of place; broken. Magnus thought maybe that was the pain Jace felt but it seemed unlikely; surely after being tortured Alec would be able to close the parabatai bond better. It seemed more to be a slip, a loss of control due to his emotional state.</p><p>“Alec!” Jace cried out.</p><p>Having run from the table first Jace reaches Alec first as well. He almost slid along the floor in his eagerness to sit next to him. Jace bent down on one knee so he could half hug and half hold Alec from behind, looking at Alec’s right hand over his shoulder, touching his right wrist to get a better look and to steady it as Alec’s hands were shaking slightly. From this angle the scar from the knife Peter had stuck through it right in the middle of Alec’s hand are clearly visible.</p><p>“Alexander,” Magnus said worried as he knelt down next to him on the opposite side of where Jace is kneeling, also looking at his injured hand but more worried about his lost look and beginning panic attack.</p><p>Magnus put a calming hand on Alec’s nearest knee to try and calm him but Alec didn’t seem to register him. Despite that then his body still instinctively leaned a little towards Magnus as if seeking comfort there.</p><p>“Jace! Jace….My hand….my hand, look at my hand!” Alec got out, almost sobbing hysterically as he moved his right hand closer to Jace’s face.</p><p>Jace looked at the hand and hugged him as best as he could from behind, sending waves of reassurance and love through the bond to help calm him down.</p><p>“I’ve got you. I’ve got you, parabatai. Brother. You’re safe,” Jace reassured him, whispering close to his ear.</p><p>“Look at my hand!” Alec insisted in tears, his voice both panicked and pained but also a bit angry and upset that Jace was not paying attention.</p><p>Jace loosened his hold on Alec slightly to do so. Quite a few of his fingers on that hand are clearly broken and he is still shaking slightly but Jace knew that is not what Alec meant for him to see. He gave Alec a lost look and looked over at Magnus pleadingly, not sure how to comfort Alec.</p><p>“Darling, darling…Can I see?” Magnus asked in as calm and reassuringly a voice as he could, reaching for Alec’s hand with both of his own but not touching him, waiting for Alec to turn to him.</p><p>“Magnus?” Alec questioned as he turned and looked at him, as if he first saw him now, first registered his presence now.</p><p>Magnus nodded and smiled encouragingly.</p><p>“Yes, darling. Can I see your hand, please?” Magnus asked of him, nodding towards his hand and Alec hesitated for just a second before he used his left hand under his right hand to move it into Magnus’ palms.</p><p>“O….Ok,” Alec got out in a small and lost voice.</p><p>Magnus looked carefully at his right hand, seeing the broken fingers but otherwise the hand looked fine.</p><p>“Alexander, your hand is fine. You have three broken fingers; I can heal those but your hand itself is fine,” Magnus reassured him.</p><p>Alec shook his head, a look of anger and pain on his face.</p><p>“No, look. See?” Alec insisted, nodding towards his right hand again, raising panic in his tone.</p><p>“Darling, it is fine. Let me heal your fingers though,” Magnus tried again, forcing his own worry away to sound as reassuring and calm as he possibly could.</p><p>“No! Not my fingers! My hand! Look at it! Heal my hand! Please!” Alec begged, his voice desperate and pleading.</p><p>“Alexander….there is nothing to heal except your fingers. It is fine. Let me heal your fingers, darling,” Magnus tried again, fighting to remain calm in the onslaught of Alec’s fear and panic.</p><p>Alec shook his head and pulled his hand out of Magnus’ gasp and looked at his right hand shakenly.</p><p>“I can see the scar, where he….the knife. Jace,” Alec said in a lost and pained tone, turning to look at Jace.</p><p>“Alec, I can’t see any damage either except the broken fingers,” Jace said as kindly as he could, letting his puzzlement shine through.</p><p>“You don’t understand!” Alec said frustrated, tears now starting to stain his cheeks but he didn’t seem to notice.</p><p>“What don’t we understand, darling?” Magnus asked as kindly as he could, moving his hand on Alec’s knee up and down a bit to try and calm him down.</p><p>Alec fought his panic and grief as he waved towards the target at the far end wall with his left hand, “Look!”</p><p>“Look at what?” Magnus asked as he and Jace looked at the target, not getting it.</p><p>“My arrows. Look at them!” Alec insisted heartbroken.</p><p>“I don’t see anything wrong, Alexander. It looks amazing. You have hit almost dead center every time and all within the inner circle,” Magnus complimented, turning from looking at the target and the arrows there so he can smile encouraging at him.</p><p>“Oh,” Jace said softly as he realized what had made Alec fall apart, seeing it now.</p><p>“Jace, do you know what he means?” Magnus asked confused.</p><p>Jace nodded grimly, “Yes.”</p><p>“Enlighten me then,” Magnus demanded with a hint of worry and annoyance because he really could not see what could upset Alec like this when it clearly wasn’t the broken fingers on his hand.</p><p>Jace gave Alec’s nearest shoulder a reassurance squeeze before he replied, “They are not all dead center.”</p><p>Magnus looked at the target again and then at the crestfallen Alec and Jace’s serious expression.</p><p>“Dead center? Like one arrow on top of another, splitting the other arrows?” Magnus asked puzzled.</p><p>Jace nodded grimly, “Yes.”</p><p>“That’s…That’s impossible,” Magnus got out and he could feel Alec tense under his hand on his knee as if he had hit him.</p><p>Jace shook his head as he corrected him, “No. Just something that takes a lot of skill.”</p><p>“And?” Magnus prompted when neither of them said anything else.</p><p>“Alec used to do it. All the time,” Jace told him softly, again squeezing Alec’s shoulder in silent support and comfort.</p><p>Alec looked at the broken fingers on his right hand, tears and pain in his eyes but not from the broken bones; from his own failure and the sour taste it left in his mouth and heart.</p><p>“I deserve this pain, Jace. You know I do,” Alec said quietly in a defeated tone as he looked at his right hand in his lap as if it was his enemy.</p><p>“Well, I don’t understand! Can either of you explain it?” Magnus insisted with barely controlled anger and worry.</p><p>“It is quite common for Shadowhunters to be punished for mistakes, for not being good enough during training. A single mistake can kill you in the field so we are taught to be perfect before we are sent into battle,” Jace explained with a dark look, remembering how Valentine had taught him and he had learned well as had Alec. It was just how the world was. It was how you became the best while you were still a child. At least that was what they had always been taught.</p><p>“And?” Magnus pressured, having an idea where this was going, his heart swelling with sympathy and pain for his boyfriend…. and Jace….actually for all the Shadowhunters.</p><p>Alec was not looking at either of them, his cheeks heating red with embarrassment as he simply kept his eyes fixed on his right hand in his lap, fighting to stop his tears and get his breathing back under control.</p><p>“When my fath…Valentine caught me playing the piano wrong he broke my fingers,” Jace told Magnus in a matter of fact tone as if he expected all fathers to have done similarly and well… in Idris he would not be far off.</p><p>“So you got the idea from there to break your own fingers, Alexander?” Magnus asked of him, his voice pained and soft but Alec wasn’t looking at him and simply shook his head, not answering.</p><p>“No. His father broke his fingers when his arrows did not fly true during training,” Jace told him in the same matter of fact way he had spoken of his own ordeal.</p><p>“Shadowhunters! You are an impossible bunch!” Magnus exclaimed in frustration, pain and sympathy. And they called the demon-blooded cruel and untrustworthy; maybe Idris should do a little housecleaning first before starting to hate on Downworlders.</p><p>“Pain is how we learn. How I became a great warrior and Alec became such an amazing archer. I don’t like that it happened but it is how it is,” Jace insisted.</p><p>Magnus shook his head, not letting himself be drawn into a discussion on training techniques and child abuse at this moment.</p><p>“Let me heal it, darling,” Magnus tried again, putting a hand on Alec’s nearest shoulder.</p><p>“No! No,” Alec insisted firmly, his voice stronger now, his gaze determined.</p><p>“You just asked me to,” Magnus reminded him with a hint of puzzlement.</p><p>“I asked you to heal the knife wound. I thought it was what was messing with me, screwing up my aim. But it’s not the wound; it’s just me,” Alec said heartbroken before he continued, his voice agonized but strong as he looked at his right hand in his lap, “This pain I deserve.”</p><p>His words almost broke Magnus and he had to fight back tears himself.</p><p>“Oh, no. No, darling. No,” Magnus insisted, shaking his head to emphasize his denial, fighting to speak over the lump in his throat.</p><p>“Can I talk to him?” Clary asked softly, making all three men turn and look surprised at her; none of them had noticed she had entered.</p><p>She had gone looking for Jace and when she had found them here she had been about to leave when she suddenly thought maybe this time she could help. While she didn’t get the broken fingers and all of that and she couldn’t really look at Alec’s injured hand without it freaking her out, she understood training and needing to prove you were good enough. Maybe it would be easier for Alec to speak with her who in many ways was an outsider more than Magnus and Jace. She wanted to feel useful and maybe this was her chance; she hoped it was.</p><p>“I don’t…” Jace started to say, thinking Alec clearly wouldn’t want her near him as he knew they were not precisely close and after their debate the other day….</p><p>“Alone?” Clary added as she stopped about two meters from the three men.</p><p>“Well, I….” Jace said, uncertain, not knowing why she would want to talk to Alec nor him with her. He looked to Alec to see what he wanted.</p><p>Alec shrugged and gave an invisible nod; better her than more debating with Magus and Jace. He and Clary were not really friends so he was not expecting to have to deal with her being overly emotional about everything. He couldn’t handle that right now.</p><p>Jace somewhat resultantly got to his feet, giving Alec a worried look but Alec kept his eyes on his right hand in his lap.</p><p>“Be careful with him,” Jace warned Clary as he stopped before her, looking from her and down at Alec who looked so lost and young and very fragile sitting on the floor like that.</p><p>Clary fought down her initial anger and offence at Jace’s words, seeing them for what they were; worry for Alec.</p><p>“Of course,” Clary assured him, smiling disarmingly at him, making him feel less tense.</p><p>Magnus gave Alec a tender kiss on the cheek before he rose as well.</p><p>“I will be right outside, darling,” Magnus said as he left, fighting to sound more normal, looking at him with a concerned glance but Alec didn’t look at him either but kept his eyes downcast. However, he did nod mutely to his words which was something at least.</p><p>“May I sit here?” Clary asked softly when Magnus and Jace had left the training room, the door closing after them, indicating with a hand a spot next to Alec on the floor.</p><p>“Do whatever,” Alec replied, not looking at her when he spoke.</p><p>They sat in silence for a while but for some reason it didn’t feel uncomfortable. He noticed she sat with clear distance from him and didn't try and touch him; he liked that. He also liked she didn’t look at him at all but just looked straight ahead, even as she finally broke the silence.</p><p>“Do you remember when I first learned of the Shadow World? How bad I was at fighting?” Clary said in an even tone. She spoke quietly but her voice sounded loud in the still room.</p><p>Alec frowned; whatever he had thought she would say it wasn’t this but her words made him relax a bit and feel less tense as it was about her and not about him.</p><p>“Yeah. So?” Alec replied, still not looking at her and she was still looking straight ahead, hugging her legs to her chest as she went on.</p><p>“You were sparring with me, helping me learn,” Clary reminded him.</p><p>“You never listened,” Alec reminded her, the complaint about her helping him feel a bit more like himself even if a small part of him felt he really shouldn’t do that to her just to regain a sense of balance and normality.</p><p>Clary ignored him.</p><p>“Do you remember what you said?” Clary asked him.</p><p>Alec shrugged as he replied, “I said many things.”</p><p>“Well, after some weeks of sparring together I felt I was not improving at all. I was very upset about it. You talked to me then,” Clary reminded me.</p><p>When she didn’t continue Alec just acknowledged the statement, “Yes.”</p><p>Clary turned and looked at him for the first time as she reminded him of what he had told her back then, “You told me it takes time.”</p><p>Alec nodded, remembering, “It does.”</p><p>“So….It takes time, Alec,” Clary reminded him, her voice a bit softer now.</p><p>“I know,” Alec agreed softly but he was still not looking at her.</p><p>“I said that too. Do you recall what you said?” Clary asked, giving him a searching look.</p><p>Alec looked at her then and couldn’t help but smile a little as he recalled and said, “I said ‘<em>do you feel like it is ok it takes time’</em>?”</p><p>Clary nodded, smiling a little as she replied, “Precisely. So do you?”</p><p>Alec was thoughtful for a moment, seeing her point. He had to allow all aspects of healing to come little by little; he had been pushed back but he had not been defeated. He had been great once; he would get it back. He would train and train and he would get there just as Clary had gotten there.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alec said with a small smile.</p><p>“My pleasure,” Clary said brightly, smiling happily.</p><p>“You are still a little girl,” Alec told her to avoid the moment becoming too emotional.</p><p>Clary laughed at that as she replied, “You are still annoying.”</p><p>Alec nodded and smiled wryly as he replied, “Yeah.”</p><p>They sat in silence for a few seconds before Clary took out her steele and motioned to his right hand.</p><p>“Can I heal that now?” Clary asked, keeping her voice and face businesslike, not betraying her sympathy at seeing him, or anyone really, injured like this and particularly when she had overheard he had done it to himself to punish himself for his perceived failings.</p><p>Alec looked at his right hand as if he had forgotten his broken fingers. After a moment where Clary held her breath, he then nodded shortly.</p><p>“Yeah,” Alec agreed softly.</p><p>“There,” Clary said as she had drawn an iratze on his right hand and after a brief flare of pain the broken fingers had healed and he was pain free again.</p><p>“Thanks,” Alec said with a nod as she put the steele back in her pocket.</p><p>“What for?” Clary asked, knowing he didn’t mean the iratze.</p><p>Alec shrugged and blushed a little, looking away for a moment before he admitted, “The talk…and not making a fuss over…” he nodded at his own healed right hand, “you know.”</p><p>Clary nodded before she said in a thoughtful and soft tone, “Jace and Magnus love you very much and care for you a great deal.”</p><p>Alec nodded and smiled a little because that fact was still amazing to him, “I know.”</p><p>Clary was thoughtful for a moment before she said insightfully, softly, realizing not only something about Alec but something about Jace too, “It makes it hard sometimes, doesn’t it? To admit when you hurt?”</p><p>Alec didn’t respond, unsure of what to say. After a second or two he asked quietly instead with a hint of humor amidst the honesty, “When did you get wise, Fairchild?”</p><p>Clary smiled a bit at that as she shook her head, “Never.” She paused before she added with both a hint of that same humor to lighten the mood and also deadly serious, “But mostly I went to high school and believe me; either you start to learn to read between the lines or you drown. I went from being the most popular kid in middle school to just average in high school and that was a bit of a shock because surprising enough I was a bit of a popular bratty child with pretty much a perfect childhood which I just didn’t see nor appreciate until I lost it all.”</p><p>Alec could hear her pain at her loss, the loss of her easy Mundane life, the loss of her mum.</p><p>“Sounds like a horrible place, this high school,” Alec said with some sympathy, shuttering at the thought, trying to get her out of her dark thoughts.</p><p>“Oh, it mostly is in terms of social interaction,” Clary admitted with a smile, still amazed that her new friends had no frame of reference at all for things she took for granted, like knowing what high school was like. “Though it did help me to grow so that sometimes I do get good ideas.”</p><p>“Sometimes,” Alec admitted deadpan but dark humor was in his eyes.</p><p>Clary smiled at that as she rose and went towards the door.</p><p>“I will tell them you are healed and will come out when you are ready,” Clary said over her shoulder, letting him know he could take as long as he needed until he felt ready to face the world again.</p><p>“Ok,” Alec said gratefully and Clary smiled at him as she left the training room.</p><p>Alec stayed on the floor for a few more moments, thinking, eyeing the target darkly, still angry and upset with himself for his failings with the bow. Then with a sigh, he cleaned up his weapons and left the training room, mentally making a rigid training schedule for himself to try and regain his skills. It would take time, sweat, pain and a lot of broken fingers but he would get there the only way he knew how; pushing himself to the edge and then over it.</p><p>Meanwhile Izzy caught up with Magnus and Jace who were sitting by the dining table, drinking whiskey with worried looks on their faces.</p><p>“You ok?” Izzy asked Jace, giving him a quick hug from behind.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jace reassured her, giving her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he petted her arm around his neck.</p><p>Izzy pulled away from him and sat on the chair next to him.</p><p>“No, you’re not,” Izzy said honestly, giving him a worried look.</p><p>“I am,” Jace insisted.</p><p>“I’m your sister. I can tell,” Izzy gave back, her voice firm and strong.</p><p>Magnus, feeling he was intruding on a private moment, took his whiskey to the balcony to give them some privacy.</p><p>“Why ask me then?” Jace asked of Izzy in an annoyed tone, looking at Magnus as he seated himself by a table on the balcony with his drink, looking out over the city.</p><p>“Because conversation is more fun when two people actually speak,” Izzy reminded him, making him turn back and look at her.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jace agreed but didn’t say anything further, knowing she wanted more from him but unsure if he could give it.</p><p>Izzy and him had always been more alike than Alec and him. They were both confident, self-assured, hot-headed and strong. He loved Izzy but he had never felt the same wave of protectiveness towards her that he did with Alec. His brother was a great fighter but he could get lost inside the darkness of his own mind, inside his own fears. Izzy, when she experienced something bad, did like him; pushed it away and fought on. Alec dwelled on it, nursed it, reflected on it.</p><p>“You don’t have to,” Izzy told him honestly.</p><p>“What?” Jace asked.</p><p>“Speak,” Izzy clarified. She shrugged as she said, “We can just sit here for a while.”</p><p>They sat in silence for a while as Jace considered if he should say something, if he wanted to. He glanced at her but she seemed perfectly fine to just sit in silence with him and what was more; she didn’t look worried or concerned or heartbroken when she looked at him. She had offered to listen but it was an offer without strings attached and without the emotional turmoil he felt when Clary asked. He felt like he had to protect Clary from the big bad world; he didn’t feel like that with Izzy. She could take it and that meant maybe he could actually let go a little of the burden he had been carrying with him.</p><p>“It’s just hard,” Jace said softly, so quietly she wasn’t sure she had heard him.</p><p>“What is?” Izzy asked equally softly, afraid that if she spoke too loudly the almost magical bubble of Jace talking to her would break.</p><p>“Seeing him suffer,” Jace admitted with a pained air.</p><p>“Yeah,” Izzy agreed, knowing they were talking about her brother. Seeing him suffer, often by his own mind and hands, was the worst pain in the world.</p><p>Jace looked down for a moment before he looked at her with an agonized expression.</p><p>“I couldn’t save him, Izzy,” Jace admitted pained, a lump in his throat.</p><p>“I know,” Izzy said softly, kindly.</p><p>“I couldn’t save him,” Jace repeated, fighting back tears.</p><p>Izzy nodded before she repeated in a calming tone, “I know. It’s ok.”</p><p>Jace shook his head, tears now in his eyes, fighting to be able to speak, “He was almost raped. I almost saw that. And I couldn’t do a damn thing!”</p><p>Izzy winched in sympathy and pain but fought back her emotions. She had in her worst nightmares already feared, assumed, her brothers had been tortured and raped and the Angels knew what else of horrible things during their ordeal. Hearing it was only Alec and an ‘almost rape’ was bizarrely enough calming to her as she had imagined even more horrible things.</p><p>She touched his nearest arm in support as she repeated, “It’s ok.”</p><p>Jace tore his arm back from her as if she was fire.</p><p>“No, it isn’t! Do you know what I thought when it happened?!” Jace asked her in a dark and pained voice, closing his eyes in shame as he recalled those feeling so clearly as if it had happened yesterday.</p><p>“You thought <em>thank the Angel it is not me</em>,” Izzy told him quietly, evenly. She knew because she would have thought that and Jace and her had always been so similar in so many ways.</p><p>“I….What?” Jace gave her a shocked and surprised look. How had she known? How could she possibly know that?!</p><p>“It’s ok,” Izzy assured him again.</p><p>Jace shook his head stubbornly and gave her a dark and angry look.</p><p>“No, it isn’t. That’s…disgusting!” Jace insisted, his voice filled with self-loathing.</p><p>Izzy shook her head at him.</p><p>“No. It’s human,” Izzy insisted.</p><p>“We are Nephilim,” Jace reminded her.</p><p>“We are also half human,” she pointed out.</p><p>Jace was quiet for a few seconds but he told her tearfully, his voice soft and pained, “I couldn’t save him, Izzy. I’m so sorry. I failed him. I failed you. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t save him.”</p><p>Tears were running down his cheeks now and he looked at her pleadingly, so filled with pain and self-hatred it almost broke her heart.</p><p>“It’s ok, Jace. You didn’t fail,” she reassured him, her voice filled with love and warmth as she rose and knelt before him, putting her hands on one of his knees and looking up at him with affection and care.</p><p>Seeing her lack of blame and hatred made Jace feel a bit better but he still couldn’t move past it as he told her in a defeated and dark tone, “I should have been stronger.”</p><p>Izzy shook her head and reached up a hand, wiping away his tears.</p><p>“No, brother, no. You did everything you could,” she reassured him gently as she pulled her hand back.</p><p>“I should have….” Jace mumbled tearfully.</p><p>Izzy rose and hugged him as best as she could with him sitting and her standing; it worked out rather well considering how short she was.</p><p>“Shhh. Shh, brother. I’ve got you now. It’s ok,” Izzy calmed him, stroking his hair and kissing his temple affectionately.</p><p>“I should…” Jace insisted, speaking into her blouse, holding her close, his arms around her midriff.</p><p>Izzy just held him closer and after a few seconds she thought she knew what he needed to hear.</p><p>“I forgive you,” Izzy whispered softly, kissing his hair again the way only a sister can.</p><p>The dam broke and Jace cried even harder, clinging to her as if for dear life and she held him close and safe, mumbling encouraging and soft endearments. It felt like it lasted for hours but it lasted only minutes. Afterwards Jace felt lighter, better and so did Izzy.</p><p>When Clary left the training room Izzy and Jace were having drinks and talking and laughing about past adventures, needing that to chase away the darkness of what they had just talked about. Clary smiled at them and joined in, enjoying the pretend at normality after explaining that Alec would join shortly.</p><p>Despite the merriment, Jace followed Alec carefully with his eyes when he left the training room and went to shower. Jace mentally counted how long Alec was gone to shower and change clothes, ready to barge into the bathroom if he felt it took too long, fearful Alec might try and hurt himself further. However, when Alec exited and jumped in on their banter after getting himself a glass of wine Jace sighed in wordless relief. Though Jace did raise an eyebrow when Alec didn’t just pour himself a glass of wine but wordlessly handed Clary a glass too. He decided not to mention it, just happy his girlfriend and parabatai seemed to have again, at least for now, found some type of middle ground.</p><p>Unknown to the group Magnus had been observing them all, worried for Alec. Seeing them together, laughing, drinking, having a short break from all the horrors made him smile and he decided to remain on the balcony a little longer to give them a chance to just be them and have this moment.</p><p>Lorenzo had gone searching for a place with a bit of quiet. Andrew wanted to check some things with some of the other rogue Shadowhunters that Lorenzo had no interest in nor any knowledge about so he thought a drink and a book would be nicely. He was not going to leave Andrew here obviously; he was barely leaving his lover out of his sight, fearful the same might happen to him as what had happened to Alec and Jace.</p><p>“Magnus,” Lorenzo acknowledged when he went to the balcony, thinking it would be empty and instead found the older Warlock and Prince of Hell out there instead, sitting by a small table with a drink in hand.</p><p>Lorenzo debated with himself if he should leave; Magnus and he were not precisely friends but then he didn’t really have friends, did he? He mentally shrugged. He was here now and he was after all fighting in Magnus’ war and he needed that to protect his lover. Besides, despite Lorenzo’s hatred for the upper class after the way he had been treated so horribly by people from that social class, Magnus had actually turned out to be quite ok – for a Warlock born to royal privilege mind you.</p><p>“Lorenzo,” Magnus acknowledged and did a hand wave, inviting him to sit down next to him, thinking maybe he came with news of their upcoming attack on the Mundanes.</p><p>They sat in silence for a while and Magnus did a hand wave, making a martini appear in Lorenzo’s hand; never let it be said Magnus Bane was not a generous host. Lorenzo nodded in acknowledgement of the drink and they both drank.</p><p>Lorenzo was going to say something completely different; something neutral or about the war because, again, they were not friends. However, he noticed Magnus looked drained and worried.</p><p>“Are you ok?” Lorenzo asked, telling himself he was only asking because it was bad for business if the leader of the army you had joined was not up to full strength.</p><p>Magnus gave him a surprised look, not expecting such concern from him given that they were not really friends.</p><p>“Of course. Why shouldn’t I be?” Magnus insisted.</p><p>“Because you are running a rebellion and taking care of all the Shadowhunter strays and your boyfriend just got back after Lilith knows what. It must be draining and exhausting beyond belief. I mean, I almost feel out of breath just watching you,” Lorenzo said with an eye roll as if that was obvious.</p><p>Magnus gave him a suspicious look as he asked, “What do you care?”</p><p>Lorenzo shrugged.</p><p>“I don’t. I don’t care,” Lorenzo insisted because he didn’t, right? He wasn’t really making friends around here, right? He was just here for Andrew.</p><p>“But…” Magnus started to say, unsure what to say to that.</p><p>“Want to get pissed?” Lorenzo asked, interrupting him, unsure why he asked but he kept thinking why the Hell not? He needed it and if he needed that release, surely Magnus with all the burdens he had just listed above could use it. Magnus looked so worried and drained; he needed some time where he didn’t have to think. Where he could just forget all his responsibilities for a moment and let go. If he became much tighter wrung together he might burst.</p><p>“And bitch about stray Shadowhunters?” Magnus asked with an amused tone, raising an eyebrow questioning at him.</p><p>Lorenzo felt weirdly exposed suddenly and quickly assured him in as dismissive tone as he could find, “Or not. Just get pissed.”</p><p>“With you?” Magnus asked, not unkindly, just to be sure he understood him.</p><p>Lorenzo had always been easy for Magnus to read and manipulate; his need for friendship and love was so desperate it was clear to Magnus what he wanted and needed and that made it easy for the Prince of Hell to ensure he had him where he wanted him.</p><p>“We are not really friends I know but we are not enemies either. Might make it easier,” Lorenzo offered, trying to make it sound like he didn’t care either way even though he was desperately hoping Magnus would say yes.</p><p>Magnus shrugged before he nodded, “Yeah….Sure. Let’s do it.”</p><p>He would have said yes regardless but by prolonging his answer he ensured he had the power with Lorenzo and he felt that was a very important thing as the other Warlock was quite ambitious and he needed him under control. The smile Lorenzo couldn’t quite stop at Magnus’ acceptance told Magnus he had won; Lorenzo really was that desperate for someone to like him, even just a little. All of the Warlock’s arrogance and posturing clearly came from that and Magnus saw right through it.</p><p>Suddenly a fire message flew into Magnus’ hand and he read it.</p><p>“Fire message from Idris,” Magnus told Lorenzo when he looked questioning at him.</p><p>“What does it say?” Lorenzo asked in a dark tone, his Warlock Mark, scales, appearing briefly in his hatred for them for the threat he perceived them to be to Andrew.</p><p>“Idris wants to put Jace and Alec on trial using the Soul Sword to get to the truth of what happening during the months they were missing,” Magnus told him grimly as the fire message dissolved.</p><p>“Lovely,” Lorenzo said sarcastically as he downed the rest of his drink.</p><p>“Yeah, not happening,” Magnus agreed, also finishing his drink.</p><p>“So we got nothing out of telling them they are back then,” Lorenzo said with an annoyed air.</p><p>Lorenzo did a hand wave and drinks appeared in their hands, this time a sweet fruity cocktail. Magnus acknowledged the gesture with a nod and they both tasted the new drink, Lorenzo looking closely to see if Magnus liked it while trying to pretend he wasn’t and that he certainly didn’t care either way. It made Magnus smile inwardly and he dragged out the time to be sure he held the power before he allowed a smile to spread over his lips after tasting the drink to indicate he liked it and Lorenzo couldn’t help but smile a bit back, looking relieved. As soon as he realized he looked relived Lorenzo quickly put on his trademark look of arrogance and annoyance; his shield to ensure no one could hurt him by rejecting him because he would reject them first.</p><p>“We did get something,” Magnus corrected him.</p><p>“What?” Lorenzo asked confused, not seeing it.</p><p>“We know now we have both enemies and supporters in Idris,” Magnus elaborated.</p><p>“How so?” Lorenzo went on.</p><p>“If we had only enemies a trial would not be needed; they would already be sentenced in absence. If we had only friends we would be believed that there were Mundanes kidnapping Downworlders who had also taken Jace and Alec. In that case no trial would be mentioned as Jace and Alec would be cleared of any and all wrongdoing. The trial is therefore middle ground,” Magnus explained his reasoning.</p><p>“I see,” Lorenzo admitted, nodding.</p><p>“Now we have to weed out who is for and who is against us,” Magnus said with a dark look.</p><p>“Political infighting. My favorite pastime,” Lorenzo declared darkly. “Or we could just kill them all; my second favorite pastime.”</p><p>Magnus smiled a bit at that as he went on, “Well, tomorrow we all meet and plan the details for the attack on the two Mundane units and destroy them utterly. That will help a little.”</p><p>“It will remove that threat at least and it will help them, your Shadowhunter and the blonde one, at least,” Lorenzo agreed.</p><p>Magnus nodded grimly.</p><p>“Yes. And me and others who care for them,” Magnus supplied honestly with a dark look.</p><p>Lorenzo nodded, understanding the need for revenge and to protect; it was a key Warlock instinct to want to do anything at all to keep your lover safe and protected and he felt that same pull with Andrew.</p><p>“True,” Lorenzo acknowledged.</p><p>“So….Where is Andrew?” Magnus asked, surprised Lorenzo was alone as he rarely saw them apart these days.</p><p>“Helping that vampire…Simon, with some computer things. They should be a few hours. They are right over there, in the operations room doing that,” Lorenzo explained, waving in the general direction of the operations room.</p><p>“You know where he is or is that where you last saw him?” Magnus asked curiously.</p><p>“I cast a protection and a tracking spell on him so I know,” Lorenzo said confidently, smiling arrogantly as his own brilliance.</p><p>“He agreed to that?” Magnus asked surprised.</p><p>Lorenzo shrugged; he had never really understood that some people would allow their lovers to be in danger just to ensure they had a choice and such nonsense; he was not taking any chances with Andrew’s safety.</p><p>“I didn’t ask. After you lost your Nephilim I decided not to take any chances with mine,” Lorenzo said matter of fact.</p><p>“He might not like that,” Magnus warned him.</p><p>“If he can yell at me he’s alive,” Lorenzo said unconcerned with a small shrug. “Besides, Andrew is a lot more soft-tempered than I imagine your bunch is.”</p><p>Magnus smiled at that and took another sip of the sweet cocktail before he replied, “Likely.”</p><p>“Have you not cast spells on yours and his parabatai after they came back to protect them?” Lorenzo asked curiously.</p><p>Magnus shook his head.</p><p>“It’s not necessary as long as they are within the wards of the loft but if they are to venture outside of them I certainly would,” Magnus told him, confident he would be able to explain and talk them into allowing this.</p><p>Lorenzo nodded approval.</p><p>“Good precaution. You should ensure you do it before the battle against the two Mundane units,” Lorenzo told him.</p><p>Magnus nodded as he replied, “Of course. I always planned for that.”</p><p>“I would prefer Andrew doesn’t join these battles but he insists,” Lorenzo admitted with a hint of annoyance and worry. Then he got a dark and determined look in his eyes as he went on, “But he won’t go alone. You and I, Magnus…we can easily BBQ the whole lot and that way take out most of them, ensuring our Nephilim are safe.” He paused as he eyed the other Warlock carefully. “Or are you squeamish about burning Mundanes?”</p><p>“Not these Mundanes!” Magnus said darkly and his Warlock Mark was briefly visible.</p><p>Lorenzo nodded in dark satisfaction.</p><p>“Good. I thought not after what you did to find your Shadowhunter.” Lorenzo paused before he asked curiously, “Does he know about that?”</p><p>“Not yet but I haven’t denied it. I do not regret it and see nothing wrong in my actions,” Magnus explained matter of fact.</p><p>Lorenzo frowned at that.</p><p>“Of course not. Those former Mundanes – Clary and Simon – just got a bit weird about it at times,” Lorenzo recalled, not really seeing that those two brought much to the table anyway but apparently Magnus liked to collect a wide variety of friends which he had to admit had come in handy when they had started this rebellion as it had ensured support from all the ruling Downworlder races.</p><p>“Alexander and Jace wouldn’t. They were raised to be Shadowhunters. They have known war, death, pain and endurance their whole lives,” Magnus said with something between pride and sadness at this fact.</p><p>Lorenzo nodded at that, “True.”</p><p>Lorenzo was thoughtful for a moment before he added, “If I could change one thing about Andrew it is how he had to suffer to become such a great fighter.”</p><p>Magnus nodded in agreement. “I know how you feel.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Lorenzo said darkly as he finished his drink, seeing Magnus had finished his own as well.</p><p>Magnus did a wave of his hand and ended up with a glass of whiskey in each hand, handing one to Lorenzo.</p><p>“So…drink?” Magnus asked with a smile, referring to their plan of getting pissed. As Warlocks they both had a very high tolerance and would also sober up quicker but it should be a fun ride none the less.</p><p>Lorenzo nodded and took the offered drink with a smile, “Thanks.”</p><p>“Cheers,” Magnus said, rising his glass.</p><p>“Cheers,” Lorenzo repeated and they both drank.</p><p>They were silent for a moment before Lorenzo found something he could talk about, “I saw you have a Monet on the wall of your guestroom, the one Andrew and I stayed in that one time we stayed here overnight instead of portalling to my mansion. Did I tell you that I have met Monet?”</p><p>Magnus smiled ruefully at him and mentally rolled his eyes but somehow Lorenzo’s need for affirmation was starting to feel…well, still very annoying but also endearing somehow. Must be that tendency he had to collect strays that Lorenzo had referred to.</p><p>“A few times, yes,” Magnus told him.</p><p>“Well, let me clarify a few things about that then because Monet actually learned painting from me,” Lorenzo boasted with an arrogant smile.</p><p>Magnus inwardly grinned at the young Warlock’s boasting but he was getting used to it and he recalled how he had done the same when he had been young. It was amusing and entertaining and he needed an escape from the painful reality of right now so why not?</p><p>“Really? He learned it from you?” Magnus asked, taking the bait.</p><p>“Oh, yes,” Lorenzo said with a nod and started his tall tale.</p><p>Magnus and Lorenzo talked about nothing much for hours and both got pissed drunk despite conjuring up some food as well while they kept drinking. It was everything Magnus needed and it gave him a few hours of not worrying about anything. Warlock stamina meant they were both sober and on their feet the next morning.</p><p>However, getting to bed was another matter. Both Andrew and Alec had felt the two Warlocks needed their moment to relax and de-stress and had caught up with each other and their friendship in the meantime. When it became time to go to bed and get their drunk Warlocks with them…that had proven difficult.</p><p>Andrew had taken Lorenzo to the guestroom they had stayed in before and Lorenzo had felt he really needed to show Andrew how he felt… resulting in him accidently conjuring up so many red roses it reached their knees and Andrew had to convince a pouting Lorenzo to get rid of it again without hurting his feelings. Finally in bed with him Lorenzo had eagerly suggested some sexy times before he had promptly fallen asleep, snoring slightly. Andrew had looked at him fondly, undressed him, covered him with a blanket and snuggled up against him.</p><p>Magnus was a bit more controlled even in his drunkenness. He had declared his love for Alec over and over again. When they had snuggled up in bed, Alec lying with his head on Magnus’ shoulder, Alec had tried to get him to stop talking about how amazing he was as it was making him blush and was keeping Jace and Clary awake and snickering – in particular when Magnus had declared Alec was more beautiful than Adonis and aught to be worshipped as a God on a general principle. Even in his drunkenness Magnus never denied Alec anything and thus he had shut up but he had made magical lights, like small stars appear in the bedroom and the small blinking stars changed position every so often to spell out different endearments but mainly, ‘I love you’, ‘you are everything to me’ and ‘you are perfect’.</p><p>Alec gasped in surprise and joy when the stars spelled out ‘Please be mine forever’ but when he was about to ask Magnus what that meant the Warlock had fallen asleep. The stars kept writing messages of love, comfort and endearment to Alec all through the night, Magnus’ subconscious mind loving his angel as much as his conscious mind did.</p><p>Alec whispered, “I love you,” to Magnus while snuggling close to him, smiling all throughout the night, watching the small magical stars speak to him for a very long time, calmed and reassured by them, feeling the love in the messages wash over him, calm him and heal him. With Magnus beside him, he felt confident he could do anything, survive anything.</p><p>Alec fell asleep like that with his head on Magnus’ shoulder, feeling more loved and cared for lying here, without Magnus actually saying words to him with his voice, letting the magical stars speak for him, than he ever had in his life. In sleep the messages of love from the magical stars were painted on the insides of Alec’s eyelids, bringing him dreams filled with love and comfort, warmth and protection.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was 20 pages in my program. Did you all survive it? ;)<br/>Feedback and kudos make me smile and motivates me to keep writing so please feed your starving unpaid author ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Lean On Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Magnus shows Alec how much he loves him through a series of gifts and gestures. They finally talk about everything that happened. Meanwhile Clary and Jace connect in a different way.<br/>Also, bonding between Andrew and Alec and the introduction of Alec's support animal - who just happens to be a Hell feline gifted to him by Magnus! Aww!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions self-harm, anxiety, mentions general PTSD feelings, talk about sex and mentioning that characters have sex (off screen so the rating doesn't go up!), talk about immortality, talk of murder, talk of battle, talk of WW2 and the camps (briefly and not detailed), self esteem issues, brief talk on the Accords and Shadow World politics, talk of therapy, talk of emotional support animals, magic - lots of romantic magic which also means Magnus is being very powerful here, hurt/comfort but that's like the whole story...oh, and fluff! This chapter is so ridiculously fluffy someone might develop a toothache!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read chapter notes for warnings for this chapter</strong>
</p><h1>Chapter 6: Lean On Me</h1>
<p>Destroying the last two Mundane units involved in the capture and experimentation on Downworlders had been surprisingly easy. The attack had taken place seven days after Alec and Jace had been rescued, Magnus leading the attack on one unit and Lorenzo leading the other, coordinating their attacks so the units could not warn each other. Both Warlocks had been quite determined to deal with this threat quickly and cleanly and thus before the others had barely had time to exit from the portal they had made, the two Warlocks had proceeded to burn down the facilities they were each in front of. This had left the Mundanes running like chickens without heads, making them easy pickings for the others. Both facilities were within hours nothing but glowing embers with no survivors on the Mundane side, no casualties on their side and only minor injuries. They had gathered what computer equipment and documentation could be saved from the attack and resulting fire and had brought it back to see if it would reveal the Idris connection.</p>
<p>It was now the morning of the second day since the attack. Everyone seemed a bit more relaxed, knowing the only threat left to deal with, granted also the biggest one, came from Idris itself. The battle had been draining on Magnus and Lorenzo as they had done most of the work. Magnus had therefore insisted Lorenzo and Andrew stay at the loft for safety. The two Warlocks had spent most of yesterday eating steak and drinking vodka as Magnus claimed that was the best way to recharge after magical depletion. Lorenzo had felt they should experiment with other alcoholic drinks; preferring wine and sweet alcoholic cocktails.</p>
<p>A combination of the magic depletion, the heavy drinking and the Warlocks clearly needing to let off some steam after burning so many Mundanes to death had resulted in two very drunk Warlocks. Alec had tried to get Magnus to talk more about his magical light display and in particular the question it had spelled out to him, the message about forever, Magnus had unconsciously conjured for him the last time he and Lorenzo had been drinking. However, Magnus had been too preoccupied with repeating he would do anything at all to ensure Alec’s safety to really comprehend his question. After proclaiming his never ending love Magnus had passed out on their bed. Alec had fondly undressed him and crawled into bed with him, wrapping his body around his.</p>
<p>The last thing Magnus had talked about before falling asleep had been how he wanted to protect Alec. When Alec had awoken the next day, he had been surprised to find a large cat looking at him, watching him sleep. He had been taken back at first with its size – it reached his hipbone when it walked and was thus closer in size to a panther than a house cat, its black fur and elegant movements making the panther comparison easy. It had glowing red eyes but it had been purring and nudging him when he had gotten out of bed to look more closely at the animal. Given how friendly, clean and house-broken it looked Alec assumed it was one of Magnus’ cats despite how unusual it looked and the fact that he had never seen it before; after all how else had it appeared in the bedroom? Maybe an unusual breed? A magical breed? Anyway, he would ask Magnus when he woke up; it was clearly no threat. He had kissed Magnus’ cheek, careful not to wake him up, and tiptoed past the sleeping Jace and Clary into the bathroom, closing the door behind him after the large cat had followed him inside, very insistent that he didn’t close the door on it.</p>
<p>It was 06:30 when he was in the kitchen and had made coffee, showered and dressed, the large cat sitting beside him, looking expectantly at him. Alec had seen Magnus give the cats milk so he gave the cat some, choosing a larger than normal bowl as this was a larger than normal cat. He had started making eggs and bacon for Magnus, Jace, Clary, Izzy and whoever else would show up for breakfast. These days it was hard to tell how many there would be and at what times people would want breakfast as even though they all slept here people got up at different times. Magnus and Lorenzo could conjure food and mostly did but given they had just been recharging magically Alec thought doing it the old-fashioned way wasn’t a bad idea.</p>
<p>Alec poured himself a cup of coffee while preparing breakfast, mentally thinking about his day. He would be training; he did that every day. Jace and he had made a deal with Cat on their second meeting with her; they would read some books on PTSD and write a short book report for her so she would know they had read them and in turn she would stop their meetings for now. Both Jace and Alec had liked that idea and had agreed to meet every second day and work on the book assignment together.</p>
<p>Alec had been skeptical Mundane books would have any impact on Jace and him but he had quickly changed his mind. The first book Jace and he had worked on had been written by a Mundane army officer who had been a prisoner of war where he had been tortured and they had later used some of his men against him to get information from him who had been captured with him. The Mundane officer had described in the book his ordeal and his feelings on it then and after he had been rescued. He had also detailed his struggle to return to a normal life with a military precision, directness and brutality, which suited the parabatai pair. Talking about the book and how the author’s feelings, fears and struggles mimicked their own had enabled Alec and Jace to talk more about themselves too. Jace had indicated, ever so slowly, how he felt responsible and they had talked about that and Alec had talked about how he had felt responsible for Jace even getting captured in the first place and how he felt he was weak for having been unable to stop any of it; that he had gone along with it. Alec was starting to wonder if Cat’s real assignment hadn’t been this; the talks Jace and he were ending up having together about their feelings and fears instead of the books themselves. Although Alec had to admit the books were helpful in terms of understanding, labelling and accepting the feelings they both had struggled with; fear, anger, anxiety and depression being the most prominent of those.</p>
<p>A part of his day that Alec was looking forward to was alone time with Magnus. They were getting better at making time for just them in the middle of all of this and it helped just to be near each other, just to hold hands or kiss; it helped cross the distance that almost six months apart had inadvertently created just in terms of simple body memory. They had talked about maybe going somewhere to eat in the city, together with Lorenzo, Andrew, Clary and Jace, in a few days. Besides the battle against the two Mundane operations Jace and Alec had not yet left the loft. With the Mundane operations dismantled Magnus felt they could risk it if there were two Warlocks; hence they would all six be doing an outing. While this outing was mentioned as a lunch date, it was in fact done purely for Jace and Alec to try to feel more at ease being away from the loft. Magnus had found a place they could go for lunch nearby so they could all keep up pretending everything was just somewhat normal. However, Alec had noticed the restaurant was not only very close, but the time for the lunch and the route they would take walking there meant they would be avoiding crowds and places with loud noises. Magnus had explained the plan for the lunch, the route and everything to him several times with patience and understanding, helping him feel more at ease with it without Alec having to say as much. Despite Magnus’ careful planning and the fact they had talked about all the details Alec still felt a little nervous about leaving the loft. However, knowing Jace would be there and Magnus had planned it all, he felt confident enough to go.</p>
<p>Magnus and he had also talked about how to get more information on the Clave connection and Alec had suggested that Jace and he could be bait. Magnus and Clary didn’t like the idea but could see his point. Therefore, the outing was also to see how it would go and then later, when Jace and Alec felt more secure being out in public, they could act as bait and wait and see if someone from Idris would try and take them out and finish the job they had started by selling them out to the Mundanes; with the two Warlocks and their friends waiting to capture the assailants.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Sir,” Andrew said politely, interrupting Alec’s internal reflections as he came over to the open kitchen, coming from the operations room, a folder with some papers in his hand. He stood on the opposite side of the kitchen counter, Alec being inside the kitchen itself, his new guard feline hidden from view by the counter.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Andrew,” Alec said, smiling politely at his new friend while pouring him a cup of coffee and placing it in front of him on the counter. “You don’t have to say Sir. Officially Jace and I went from being considered dead to again being branded traitors so…”</p>
<p>Andrew nodded his thanks for the coffee.</p>
<p>“A minor misunderstanding, Sir,” Andrew told him with conviction as he put the folder on the kitchen counter, sat on one of the stools by the counter and took a sip of the coffee.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Andrew,” Alec said warmly. He nodded at the folder with papers as he asked, “What do you have there?”</p>
<p>“I…” Andrew stopped speaking when the large cat walked out of the kitchen and looked curiously at him with its red eyes.</p>
<p>“What in the world is <strong>that</strong>?” Andrew asked surprised, forcing himself to remain seated, hoping the animal wasn’t hungry.</p>
<p>“Oh. One of Magnus’ cats I think,” Alec answered nonchalant.</p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s a cat,” Andrew warned but relaxed a little at Alec’s calmness. The animal was still eying him in a way Andrew could only describe as warningly. “Is it….it is not going to eat me, is it?” Andrew asked with a forced laugh, trying for a light tone but there was a hint of concern that the animal might actually attack him hidden in his words.</p>
<p>“Kitty Cat, he is a friend,” Alec scowled at the large feline, giving it a stern look.</p>
<p>The feline looked at Alec with its red eyes and then its whole body language changed from dangerous prowl to submissive kitten. It started to purr, coming over to Andrew, rubbing against him. Andrew hesitantly stroked it and the feline happily leaned into the touch.</p>
<p>“Oh. It obeys,” Andrew said relieved as he started to stroke the feline with more confidence, at ease with the animal now.</p>
<p>Alec nodded.</p>
<p>“Seems to, yes. I first saw it when I woke up about half an hour ago,” Alec told him, smiling at the affectionate feline who was clearly enjoying Andrew’s attention.</p>
<p>Alec nodded to Lorenzo when he saw him exit the bedroom he shared with Andrew when they were here and poured him a cup of coffee. The Warlock was wearing a thin blue morning robe with golden threads but in general looked a lot less hungover from yesterday than was fair but that was Warlock tolerance for you.</p>
<p>“Good morning, querido <em>[darling in Spanish]</em>,” Lorenzo said warmly to Andrew as he came over to the kitchen counter, kissing him on the lips.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Lorenzo said to Alec when he handed him the coffee, taking a sip.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Lorenzo. You are up early,” Andrew commented, smiling at his boyfriend.</p>
<p>“I will be going back to bed; this is an ungodly hour to be awake at,” Lorenzo complained, making Alec and Andrew give him an overbearing look, both used to being up early. “Just wanted to make sure you were ok,” Lorenzo added to Andrew in a softer tone.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded, finding his concern moving although unnecessary since they were all protected inside the wards, “I am.”</p>
<p>Lorenzo smiled at that and then looked down at the feline.</p>
<p>“And what a fine creature this one is!” Lorenzo said as the feline eyed him suspiciously while still getting pets from Andrew. “Yours?” Lorenzo asked as he looked at Alec.</p>
<p>“Magnus’,” Alec replied.</p>
<p>“Can you tell her I am a friend?” Lorenzo asked Alec when the feline kept giving him death stares with its red eyes.</p>
<p>“Ah. Sure. Kitty Cat, Lorenzo is also a friend,” Alec told the large feline in a firm tone.</p>
<p>“Kitty Cat!” Lorenzo laughed as the animal came over to him, purring now, wanting pets from this new friend. Lorenzo petted it, still smiling and the animal purred louder. “That’s new for a Hell creature.”</p>
<p>Andrew and Alec shared surprised and slightly worried looks.</p>
<p>“Hell? What?!” Alec got out.</p>
<p>Lorenzo kept stroking the animal while looking at Alec as he explained, “It’s a feline. From Hell. They can be conjured up for protection. It normally takes a lot of power. Magnus gave it to you?”</p>
<p>Alec didn’t quite know what to say.</p>
<p>“Ahh….apparently,” Alec ended up replying when Lorenzo kept looking at him expectantly, dumbstruck.</p>
<p>“You don’t recall?” Lorenzo asked surprised; conjuring a feline from Hell would normally be something you remembered.</p>
<p>“He passed out yesterday after talking about protecting me and loving me. I can guarantee you he never mentioned anything about any Hell pets; I would have remembered that,” Alec assured him, rolling his eyes in annoyance at the comment.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Lorenzo commented, digesting this information. “His subconscious mind must have called it. You are lucky. Hell felines only come when they want and they choose their masters. This one wanted to answer Magnus’ call and has chosen you as its master,” Lorenzo explained, nodding to the purring feline.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Alec got out, awed and shocked Magnus had called him a Hell pet for protection…in his sleep!</p>
<p>“It doesn’t eat….Shadowhunters, does it?” Andrew asked hesitantly, just to make sure.</p>
<p>Lorenzo shrugged, still petting it.</p>
<p>“It eats anything you give it; including people if you want it to,” Lorenzo replied, looking at Alec when he spoke.</p>
<p>“If I want it to?” Alec repeated.</p>
<p>“You are its master. It will obey you completely,” Lorenzo reminded him. “It could come in very handy in terms of keeping you safe from whatever elements in Idris turned against you and Jace.”</p>
<p>“Magnus did all this while asleep?!” Alec asked, trying to comprehend that fact.</p>
<p>Lorenzo nodded.</p>
<p>“I have never heard of it being possible before but then Magnus is a Prince of Hell and one of the most powerful Warlocks to have ever existed,” Lorenzo admitted, having done his homework before he had joined Magnus’ little war here, wanting to be sure he threw in his lot with someone of significance and power. He paused reflectively for a moment.</p>
<p>“He must love you very much, his desire to see you protected reached all the way down to the Hell dimensions and the intensity of his plea apparently awoke this creature,” Lorenzo concluded, smiling down at the purring Hell feline.</p>
<p>“Should I….give it back?” Alec asked hesitantly.</p>
<p>“You can’t give back a Hell feline! It’s….it’s not done!” Lorenzo protested, shocked by the very suggestion of wanting to return something which was so rarely given. He looked more intensely at the feline and added, “This one is a female. Why don’t you let her protect you as she has chosen to do?”</p>
<p>“What do I do then? How do I care for a Hell pet?” Alec asked confused.</p>
<p>“Just bring her with you wherever you go and feed her something,” Lorenzo told him in a reassuring voice, clearly not bothered by the idea of having Hell pets around.</p>
<p>“Feed her? Like what?” Alec asked. She had drunk the milk easily enough but she was a big cat; she would need something else.</p>
<p>“There! Bacon for example,” Lorenzo said with a smirk as he took the plate of bacon Alec had prepared on a tray on the kitchen counter within reach of the Warlock and put it on the floor.</p>
<p>The Hell feline quickly ate it all, looking happy and content afterwards.</p>
<p>“Hey! I made that for when Magnus wakes up,” Alec complained as he picked up the now empty tray from the floor, petting the large cat as he did so. The Hell feline was growing on him; he had to admit that. She was cute. Could Hell pets be cute?</p>
<p>“There,” Lorenzo said as he snapped his fingers and a new tray with a large heap of bacon appeared on the kitchen counter.</p>
<p>“Lorenzo! Don’t exhaust yourself over something so silly,” Andrew reprimanded with worry.</p>
<p>“It’s ok, baby,” Lorenzo assured him with a smile, secretly happy for his concern. He finished his coffee and rose. “You two go back to whatever you were doing. Maybe when you are done we could…test the bed and then take a shower together,” Lorenzo suggested, winking at Andrew, making him blush and making Alec roll his eyes at him again.</p>
<p>“Lorenzo!” Andrew protested, looking down for a moment when he saw he heat in the Warlock’s gaze.</p>
<p>“What?” Lorenzo asked innocently.</p>
<p>“Alec is right here,” Andrew complained shyly.</p>
<p>“I am sure he knows what sex is,” Lorenzo replied, smirking. “Or rather I certainly hope so!”</p>
<p>“Get back to bed,” Andrew ordered, still blushing.</p>
<p>Lorenzo laughed as he walked back to the bedroom.</p>
<p>“I will think of you,” Lorenzo told him over his shoulder, giving him another suggestive wink before he disappeared back into the bedroom, closing the door after himself.</p>
<p>Andrew turned back to face Alec after having watched Lorenzo, a smile and a small blush still on his face.</p>
<p>“He’s fond of you,” Alec commented, nodding towards where Lorenzo had disappeared off to.</p>
<p>“He is. I am fond of him too though he does drive me crazy at times,” Andrew admitted, his tone warm and teasing.</p>
<p>Alec laughed as he said, “Magnus just conjured up a Hell pet to protect me…while he was sleeping! That is the cutest, most insane, most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me.”</p>
<p>Andrew smiled at that, “Touché. You certainly win this round with that one.”</p>
<p>Alec took a sip of his coffee before he changed the topic.</p>
<p>“What’s in the papers you brought?” Alec asked again, returning the conversation to where it had begun before Kitty Cat’s presence had derailed their discussion.</p>
<p>“Simon and I looked into the female prisoner Magnus told us about,” Andrew explained, his tone and expression now more businesslike.</p>
<p>“What did you find out?” Alec asked, tensing and frowning slightly as he fought not to remember what he had done; at least not the emotions connected to the act.</p>
<p>“Is this woman someone we need intel from?” Andrew asked curiously.</p>
<p>“Why?” Alec wanted to know, not sure why Andrew was asking.</p>
<p>“Because I don’t think that it will be possible without an incanto should we manage to locate her,” Andrew told him flatly.</p>
<p>“Why do you say that?”</p>
<p>“See for yourself,” Andrew said as he handed him the folder.</p>
<p>Andrew drank more of his coffee while Alec scanned the documents, quickly seeing from the photos, in particular the woman’s mug shot, that this was the woman Peter had had him shoot.</p>
<p>“She seemed to have almost always been in some Mundane facility or another,” Alec said but it was more of a question as he scanned the documents.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded as he replied, “More or less. She is mentally ill.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Alec acknowledged, fighting to understand the concept as Idris officially didn’t really do much when it came to mental illness. You get sent to the Silent Brothers and if they couldn’t cure you then you were excluded from society and could no longer be a Shadowhunter. It was not pretty and would explain why Jace’s birth mother had never sought help for her mental problems.</p>
<p>“She was on death row for starting a fire that killed eight people, three of which were children,” Andrew told him.</p>
<p>“So she was evil?” Alec concluded, trying to move her case into the terms they used.</p>
<p>“I read the doctor’s notes. She was ill; she heard voices. She didn’t really have ill intent but she kept hurting people – also herself. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t see the world as it was,” Andrew explained.</p>
<p>“Poor woman,” Alec said in sympathy.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded, “Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Why couldn’t she get fixed?” Alec asked, wanting to understand the life of this woman he had killed better.</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Seems some Mundane illnesses can’t be cured,” Andrew explained.</p>
<p>“That sounds horrible,” Alec admitted.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Andrew agreed, unable to really relate to it but agreeing on principle.</p>
<p>“How she suffered her whole life,” Alec concluded as he scanned her records. She had been a victim of incest as a child and her condition had worsened, not helped by some bad experiences in foster care. The poor girl didn’t seem like she had ever had a chance.</p>
<p>“Yes. Not a pleasant life at all,” Andrew said with a hint of sympathy to his words. He noticed Alec had unshed tears in his eyes and his expression looked pained. Andrew gave him a searching look and asked worried, “Are you ok?”</p>
<p>“I just needed to know,” Alec admitted, pulling himself together. He closed the folder and handed it back to Andrew who took it. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“May I ask why?” Andrew asked curiously.</p>
<p>“I killed her,” Alec admitted flatly, feeling better for saying it aloud.</p>
<p>“You killed her? Why?” Andrew asked, curious but not judging him. He imagined the woman might have been conjuring a demon unknowingly or had unknowingly endangered Mundanes and that was why Alec had had to kill her. Normally as Shadowhunters their task was to protect Mundanes but in some cases that duty to protect would mean some Mundanes had to die in the process.</p>
<p>“Because otherwise they would have killed Jace,” Alec told him, taking a deep breath and realizing that while he regretted having had to make that choice, he didn’t regret the choice he had made.</p>
<p>“You had no choice then,” Andrew told him with certainty.</p>
<p>“I know,” Alec admitted, having now been able to draw the same conclusion and actually feel it, helping him put the matter to rest.</p>
<p>“Does knowing about her make you feel better?” Andrew asked sympathetically.</p>
<p>Alec nodded, “A little. Had this been Idris she would have been burned alive for her crimes.”</p>
<p>“True,” Andrew agreed.</p>
<p>“Thank you for helping with this information. It helped me a lot,” Alec told him, smiling, closing the matter between them and Andrew understood that and nodded in return.</p>
<p>After a few moments of silence Andrew decided to ask Alec something he had been thinking more and more about lately.</p>
<p>“Do you think about….Never mind,” Andrew said, shaking his head, losing his nerve to ask.</p>
<p>“No, go on. What?” Alec encouraged.</p>
<p>“Well…the immortality issue?” Andrew admitted, nodding towards the bedrooms where Lorenzo and Magnus were.</p>
<p>“Yes. A lot,” Alec admitted seriously.</p>
<p>“Would you do it?” Andrew asked intensely.</p>
<p>“Do what?” Alec asked puzzled.</p>
<p>“Become immortal for him?” Andrew clarified.</p>
<p>“You mean become a vampire?” Alec asked, slightly puzzled.</p>
<p>Andrew shook his head. “No. Just immortal.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know that was an option,” Alec admitted with a hint of confusion.</p>
<p>“My understanding is that it is possible for a Warlock to offer immortality to someone but it has a steep price. Lorenzo talked about it the night he and Magnus got drunk and again last night,” Andrew explained thoughtfully.</p>
<p>“Lorenzo thinks deep thoughts after drinking or what?” Alec asked with a smile, trying to lighten the mood.</p>
<p>“I think Magnus and he likely talked about it and it was therefore on his mind,” Andrew said with a smile before continuing, “Anyway, so he was just very vague about how it could be done and this price that had to be paid so I was wondering if Magnus had talked to you about it?”</p>
<p>Alec shook his head, filing this information under very useful and something he would be talking with Magnus about very soon.</p>
<p>“No, he hasn’t but then a lot has happened and Jace and I have only been back what…9-10 days, give or take,” Alec reminded him, certain Magnus had not wanted to burden him with such life changing decisions right now although a dark part of his mind was having doubts. Maybe Magnus hadn’t brought it up because he didn’t want immortality with him; not any longer. Not since what he had done, what had been done to him. He fought down those voices of fear and insecurity, knowing logically it was his own doubts that were making him think that. Magnus had been nothing but amazing since he had rescued Jace and him. Despite knowing that, knowing the truth, he still struggled to silence those voices in his mind.</p>
<p>“True,” Andrew agreed, nodding, before asking, “So would you?”</p>
<p>“Be immortal so I could be with Magnus forever?” Alec clarified.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Andrew confirmed.</p>
<p>Alec was thoughtful for a moment; he didn’t want to leave Jace most of all, nor Izzy or…but mostly he couldn’t imagine life without his parabatai.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Alec said, thinking in this thought experiment he didn’t have to consider his fears and hesitations and instead just replied if he wanted to be with Magnus forever if the other stuff got sorted and he did; no questions about that at all in his mind.</p>
<p>“No matter the price?” Andrew pressed.</p>
<p>“Well, unless the price was something like Jace’s life, or Izzy’s….or yours or something like that then yes,” Alec said, his voice firm and convinced of that fact.</p>
<p>“Me too I think,” Andrew said thoughtfully after a few seconds of pause.</p>
<p>“You love him? Lorenzo?” Alec asked with both surprise and warmth in his voice, wanting Andrew to be happy and though he knew they hadn’t known each other long then Andrew and he were Nephilim; he had known at once Magnus was the one and Andrew had likely felt the same for Lorenzo.</p>
<p>“I think so,” Andrew said thoughtfully. “I have never loved anyone before. It is a bit…”</p>
<p>“Scary?” Alec supplied with an understanding look when Andrew’s voice trailed off.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded, “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Because he has had so many lovers before,” Alec guessed insightfully.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Andrew admitted.</p>
<p>“And he is your first,” Alec guessed, deciding to be blunt with Andrew as his advice had little meaning otherwise.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Andrew admitted, blushing a bit at that. He had dated but he had never been intimate with anyone, wanting to find the right person first.</p>
<p>“It is scary, I agree. We are different in some ways; Warlocks and Nephilim. But we are similar too,” Alec reassured him.</p>
<p>“How so?” Andrew asked, intrigued by his insight.</p>
<p>“Nephilim love once; fiercely,” Alec reminded him.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded, “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Well, Warlocks do the same but they call it possession. What they love they want to keep….forever if they can,” Alec explained what he had come to understand of Warlocks.</p>
<p>“That…that does fit well together, actually,” Andrew admitted after thinking about it for a few seconds.</p>
<p>“Yes, it does,” Alec agreed with a smile.</p>
<p>After a few moments of silence Andrew changed the conversation to lighter topics and asked him, “Does Magnus also claim to have met a lot of apparently famous Mundanes you have to look up to find out who they are so you just pretend to be impressed?”</p>
<p>Alec laughed and nodded, “Oh yes! He name drops excessively!”</p>
<p>“Lorenzo too!” Andrew said, grinning. “I wonder why?”</p>
<p>“I think they are trying to impress us,” Alec admitted.</p>
<p>“I am already impressed,” Andrew said honestly.</p>
<p>“Me too,” Alec agreed, smiling fondly at just thinking about Magnus and looked at the Hell feline, now lying on the floor in the kitchen, ensuring she had Alec in her line of sight.</p>
<p>“When Lorenzo conjures things for me…it’s really sweet,” Andrew admitted with a love stuck grin.</p>
<p>“What do you get?” Alec asked with a fond look, enjoying taking part in his friend’s happiness.</p>
<p>“Chocolate a lot. And roses. That seems to be some of his favorite things,” Andrew told him, smiling at the memories of getting such gifts. “He’s quite traditional like that.”</p>
<p>“That’s really sweet indeed,” Alec agreed.</p>
<p>“It is,” Andrew admitted, still smiling fondly. “What does Magnus do?”</p>
<p>“Well, everything I guess. We all live here in his place and he conjures amazing meals, drinks….we used to go to amazing places around the world…” Alec said, his voice trailing off as he was reminded they couldn’t do that till this Clave situation was resolved and he himself felt secure enough to do it. He hated the latter more than the first; that he was actually fearful of leaving the loft after the ordeal he had been through. He hated being limited by his own fears and inadequacies no matter how much Magnus reassured him it was normal and it would take time. He looked down at the Hell feline; it helped knowing she would be there with him. It was calming to think about he could bring her and thus wouldn’t be alone but wouldn’t have to ask someone to come with him. it somehow made it easier.</p>
<p>“You will again. When this situation with Idris is resolved,” Andrew said what Alec was thinking.</p>
<p>“Magnus told me they want us to hold the Soul Sword to tell them what happened during those months,” Alec admitted, shuddering at the idea of reliving that.</p>
<p>“I heard from Lorenzo. Magnus made it clear that wasn’t happening,” Andrew reassured him.</p>
<p>“Yes. He is negotiating with them now,” Alec confirmed.</p>
<p>“They are trying to renegotiate the Accords I hear,” Andrew added.</p>
<p>“About time too. I didn’t think about it before but the Accords are horribly discriminating towards Downworlders,” Alec admitted grimly.</p>
<p>Andrew nodded before he said seriously, “So true.”</p>
<p>“And they are debating to also include clauses that allows inter-racial marriage for couples of any gender,” Alec told him.</p>
<p>Andrew gave him a surprised but approving look at the idea of having such rights written into law. It would not end discrimination overnight but it would be a great start.</p>
<p>“That would indeed be great progress. But I can well imagine Idris would truly need to feel like Magnus was ready to burn the whole place down to make any such changes.”</p>
<p>Alec gave him a proud but grim look as he confirmed, “Oh, he is.”</p>
<p>Andrew grinned in satisfaction at hearing that as he said, “We are in luck then. There’s hope it would work.”</p>
<p>Alec and Andrew talked about other matters before Andrew went to ‘check on Lorenzo’ and disappeared back into their bedroom. Not long after Clary, Izzy, Jace and Magnus slowly came to the kitchen and they all had breakfast. First though Alec had had to explain about his new loyal friend he had named Kitty Cat, the name again providing great amusement to all. None was more amused and surprised at the situation than Magnus as he had never done magic unconsciously before and now, with Alec back, it had happened twice. If ever he had wanted proof of how much he truly cared for Alec he couldn’t have asked for a better way than this. Despite his surprise at seeing the Hell feline Magnus was more than happy with the additional pet, reassured the Hell feline would protect and care for Alec – physically if needed with the burning anger of Hell’s fires and emotionally with her ever steady, calm and loving presence.</p>
<p>The feline followed Alec all day and Alec started to realize he was calmed and reassured by her presence, feeling stronger and more confident just by having her nearby. In fact, he had felt so sure of himself today he had encouraged Jace to go spend some quality time with Clary while he worked on rewriting the Accords with Magnus so Magnus could present a new version of the Accords to the Clave representatives that detailed precisely what changes they were demanding. After checking up on Alec several times Jace had finally accepted he was indeed ok and had gone to follow Alec’s advice.</p>
<p>It was just past lunch when Jace found Izzy sitting by her desk in her room at the loft, going over some documents. She looked up and smiled at him when he entered her room, closing the door after him.</p>
<p>“Hey Izzy. You have a few minutes?” Jace asked.</p>
<p>Izzy nodded and smiled. There was only one chair in the room so she indicated her bed and sat on the edge of it herself, slapping the spot on the bed next to her for him to sit down there.</p>
<p>“Of course. What’s up?” Izzy asked as Jace sat down beside her.</p>
<p>“So, I want to do something for Clary,” Jace began to say, sounding a bit hesitant and nervous, not used to doing romantic gestures. That was more something Magnus and Alec did than Clary and him.</p>
<p>“Ok, good. Like what?” Izzy questioned.</p>
<p>Jace shrugged, “I don’t know. Something romantic.”</p>
<p>“Something that will lead to sex?” Izzy asked insightfully, not teasing, simply assuming so.</p>
<p>Jace and her had always been able to talk openly about sex, unlike with Alec who had always gotten very flustered and nervous around the topic, for obvious reasons they now knew given he had to hide being gay.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Jace admitted but there was a hint of longing in his voice.</p>
<p>While Clary and he had kissed and held each other they hadn’t had sex yet since he had come back. They were both physical people and Jace felt having sex might help them feel more at ease around each other and yet, having been apart for so long also meant it was more difficult to initiate intimacy.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you guys still sleeping in the same room as Magnus and Alec?” Izzy asked, just to get it right.</p>
<p>“At the moment, yes,” Jace confirmed.</p>
<p>“Ok so how would…” Izzy asked, making a vague hand gesture to indicate sex.</p>
<p>Jace laughed at her, “Izzy!”</p>
<p>Izzy laughed too as she protested, “What?”</p>
<p>Jace then sobered as he went on, “Magnus has conjured an empty guestroom to the left of the master bedroom for when Clary and I move out. I was thinking we could see how things go….”</p>
<p>Izzy grinned at him and waved a hand at him to get him to stop talking, “Ok, ok. I get it. What’s the question?”</p>
<p>“Well, we haven’t had sex since before I was captured. How do I…you know?” Jace asked, looking intensely at her.</p>
<p>“Initiate?” Izzy guessed.</p>
<p>Jace nodded, “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Maybe don’t make it about sex,” Izzy suggested after a few seconds of thought.</p>
<p>Jace gave her a surprised look, “What? How?”</p>
<p>“Are you two training together?” Izzy asked.</p>
<p>Jace nodded, “Sometimes.”</p>
<p>“Then maybe after training together this afternoon take a shower together and if it leads to something then fine and otherwise also fine,” Izzy suggested.</p>
<p>“In the shower?” Jace confirmed, starting to smile at the suggestion.</p>
<p>“Well, I had to use the bathroom in the master bedroom once so I know for a fact it has two shower heads and a large tub. So shower together and after…ahem, you can soak in the tub. Would be romantic,” Izzy said with a grin and a wink.</p>
<p>Jace grinned, liking the idea and thinking Clary would too.</p>
<p>“Ok. But should I get her something?” Jace asked.</p>
<p>“Do you normally gift her things?” Izzy asked after a few seconds, not really seeing Clary as a gift person.</p>
<p>“Not really but I wanted to give her something,” Jace insisted.</p>
<p>“You do know you don’t owe her a gift for waiting for you while you were captured nor do you owe her a gift for still loving you after you returned,” Izzy said insightfully, knowing him well.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Jace said sincerely; it helped having her put words to his feelings. He hadn’t spoken the thought, the feeling, and now that she did it sounded ridiculous.</p>
<p>“But if you want to gift her something, just to say I love you or something, then maybe not make it connected to you guys having sex again,” Izzy suggested.</p>
<p>“So give it to her later?” Jace asked and Izzy nodded. “Ok. What shall I give her?”</p>
<p>“Clary? Art supplies….oh, she talked about this new book on painting techniques she wanted. Get her that,” Izzy suggested, thinking about what her friend would like.</p>
<p>“I have no money,” Jace admitted with an embarrassed blush as both suggestions needed to be gotten in the Mundane world.</p>
<p>Izzy put a calming hand on his arm and suggested, “Get Simon to help you. He knows of a special marketplace called Amazon that has everything. He can help you.”</p>
<p>“And the money?” Jace asked hopefully.</p>
<p>“We were going to announce this later today when it was done being set up but Simon transferred the money from the Mundane black sites into different accounts. 80% of it is in a trust for Downworlders in need, the rest was divided between everyone who helped bring the organizations down. That includes you. You can ask him to use from the money which is earmarked to you anyway,” Izzy explained.</p>
<p>Jace smiled widely, “Ok, cool.” He gave her a big hug as he said, “Thanks so much, Izzy.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome,” Izzy said with a warm smile as they drew apart. Jace nodded and rose from the bed, going towards the door. “And Jace?”</p>
<p>Jace stopped and turned around to face her.</p>
<p>“Yes?” He questioned.</p>
<p>“How are you feeling? Honestly,” she asked, giving him a concerned look.</p>
<p>Jace sighed and ran a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“Honestly? Some days are better than others,” he admitted, finding it easier and easier to talk to her about this the more they spoke of it.</p>
<p>Izzy nodded sympathetically as she replied, “I can imagine. And today?”</p>
<p>Jace smiled calmingly at her, “Today is going well so far.”</p>
<p>Izzy nodded, satisfied with that as that was the best anyone could hope for right now; just one day at a time.</p>
<p>“And how are you and Alec?” Izzy asked.</p>
<p>“We are fine. I am calmer being apart from him but it is a slow process. This new Hell pet helps though; I feel better leaving him knowing she will literally eat anyone who touches him wrong,” Jace admitted with a grin.</p>
<p>Izzy grinned at that, feeling the same.</p>
<p>“It’s fine that it takes time. You are parabatai. You will always be connected. You are slowly getting there. That’s the important thing,” Izzy told him, knowing he knew that but he needed to hear it all the same.</p>
<p>Jace gave her a fond look as he said, “Thank you, Izzy. I love you.”</p>
<p>“I love you too, brother,” Izzy said with a smile as Jace turned to open the door.</p>
<p>“Oh, if you give me a signal when you go training with Clary I will put some champagne and glasses near the bathtub for you guys for after,” Izzy offered with a wink.</p>
<p>Jace laughed as he said, “That would be great; I will. Thanks, Izzy.”</p>
<p>Izzy was still smiling after him when he closed the door after himself before she went back to her papers.</p>
<p>In the meantime, Simon had found Clary in the guestroom next to the master bedroom, painting. Since the room wasn’t used as a bedroom at the moment she had decided to use it to paint, finding the activity calming.</p>
<p>“Simon!” Clary said joyfully when he with super speed suddenly stood next to her painting. She quickly put her paintbrush down and hugged him.</p>
<p>“Hi Clary,” Simon said with a smile as he returned the hug.</p>
<p>“It’s great to see you. How’s Raphael?” Clary asked as they drew apart and then waved towards the bed and they went to sit down next to each other at the end of it.</p>
<p>“He’s fine. How about you? Are you ok?” Simon asked worried, scanning her face for signs and noticing she looked ok but a bit tired.</p>
<p>“Yes, yes. Of course. Why shouldn’t I be?” Clary insisted, still smiling.</p>
<p>“I can imagine it is hard. With Jace,” Simon said, his voice filled with sympathy and understanding as well as care for his oldest friend.</p>
<p>“At times,” Clary admitted.</p>
<p>Simon was quiet for a few moments, thinking of what to say that could help her.</p>
<p>“I saw Alec and his new…well, she’s not really a pet or a guard dog, is she? Support animal? Can a Hell creature even be that? Oh, well. She’s cute…after you get used to the red eyes and all,” Simon babbled, the words as always tumbling over each other in his excitement at meeting this new Shadow World creature. “And her presence really seems to calm him. It seems like having her would really help a lot.”</p>
<p>“Kitty Cat isn’t…” Clary started to say but then realized he was right. She did seem to help Alec and if she kept doing so… “Oh, I guess maybe she is. Yes, I am happy about it too.”</p>
<p>“Have you considered something like that?” Simon asked, trying to get to the topic he wanted.</p>
<p>“A support animal?” Clary asked surprised.</p>
<p>“I mean support….in some form,” Simon clarified.</p>
<p>“I have talked to Cat and am reading some books,” Clary told him, shrugging a bit because reading the books was not helping her much but then Cat couldn’t really help her either as their frame of reference was so different.</p>
<p>“You know my grandmother was in the camps during WW2, right?” Simon told her seriously.</p>
<p>“Yes?” Clary prompted, unsure what that had to do with this.</p>
<p>“She was in therapy her whole life for PTSD because of that,” Simon revealed.</p>
<p>“Oh. I didn’t know,” Clary admitted, giving him a sympathetic look.</p>
<p>“She didn’t go often but she still went at times, when she needed to. Sometimes she stil had nightmares. I saw her have a flashback once but that thankfully didn’t happen often. At least I don’t think so,” Simon explained, as always a hint of pain and loss in his voice when he talked about the family he had lost when he had become a vampire.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Clary said heartfelt, giving his hand a comforting squeeze.</p>
<p>Simon shook his head to clear it of the beginning edges of sadness.</p>
<p>“Anyway, my point is that my mother went to therapy too to understand about PTSD and how to handle it with her mum,” Simon explained, getting to the point he had been wanting to make with his story.</p>
<p>“Well, your mum has been in therapy a lot,” Clary reminded him as kindly as she could, reminding them both that the woman had struggled with many issues, including alcoholism.</p>
<p>“Ok, bad example,” Simon concealed. “But my point is just that it might be easier for you to support Jace if you knew more about what he is going through and if you had someone to lean on too.”</p>
<p>“But I am not the one who has suffered,” Clary reminded him with a confused look, not seeing why she would need someone to lean on in that way. What his grandmother had been through had been horrible and violent and Jace had clearly suffered too but she hadn’t actually suffered like that. A part of her was almost frustrated at that fact at it meant she didn’t feel she had any right to her grief, anger and fear, which annoyed her even more because who in their right mind would want to have experienced pain?</p>
<p>“That doesn’t make it easier to deal with,” Simon reminded her, giving her hand a firm squeeze.</p>
<p>Clary thought about it for a few moments; Simon was one of the most intelligent people she knew and he had known her basically since she had been a baby and she knew he loved her. If he adviced her to look more into this then she should seriously consider it. She decided she would try and investigate it more.</p>
<p>Clary nodded, smiling, as she promised, “Ok, I will think about it.”</p>
<p>Simon smiled widely, “Good. I love you, Clary.” Simon drew her into a big hug and whispered against her ear, “You’re my best friend and I am always here for you.” When they drew apart he added seriously, “You know that, right?”</p>
<p>Clary smiled reassuringly at him and nodded as she said, “Yes, I know. I love you too.”</p>
<p>Simon stayed for another hour, talking with Clary about various things like they had done since they had been kids. It was nice, normal….relaxing. Afterwards Clary went sparring with Jace and when Alec entered the training room they stayed a bit longer. Alec stayed to finish his training, Kitty Cat faithfully watching him, when Jace and Clary went to the bathroom to clean up after Jace double-checked that the large Hell feline was indeed watching faithfully over his parabatai before he felt safe enough to leave him.</p>
<p>It had been a good day for both Clary and Jace, relaxing and easy, made easier by the issue of the Mundane units being settled and dealt with. When they had showered together Jace had offered to wash her hair and things had progressed from there. It had felt natural and relaxed and not forced or awkward the way their previous attempts at intimacy had been. It was good. Afterwards they went to soak in the tub, Jace holding around Clary as she sat between his legs. Jace couldn’t help but smile when he saw that Izzy had left a silver tray with a bottle of champagne, two glasses, chocolate dipped strawberries (Magnus had surely helped there) and even a single red rose next to the tub. Clary had been surprised but happy at the setup and Jace reminded himself to thank Izzy later. Yes, today had been a good day for them; a very good day.</p>
<p>While Jace and Clary were having a good day, it was not going quite so well for Magnus and Alec. Magnus had been checking in on Alec’s training every hour and had now reached the point where he decided to intervene; he didn’t care how many hours young Shadowhunters trained a day not to mention adult Shadowhunters; today Alec was stopping <strong>now</strong>!</p>
<p>“Darling?” Magnus called out, letting his concern and care be felt in his words as he entered the training room and looked for Alec. He quickly spotted him. He had moved away from archery training which he had been doing an hour ago when Magnus had checked on him and was now beating up a punching bag hanging down from the ceiling, Kitty Cat laying nearby. She lifted her head when she saw Magnus but then laid back down again, knowing he was a friend.</p>
<p>“I’m almost done,” Alec insisted when Magnus started to walk over, not looking at him as he kept hitting the punching bag.</p>
<p>Magnus reached him and saw he was sweating and his hands were shaking slightly from the strain. His hands were bruised and bleeding slightly from his continued forceful training but there were luckily no broken bones this time.</p>
<p>“Darling, you have been training for almost five hours now. Even with your stamina and endurance runes activated I think that’s enough,” Magnus reminded him kindly but firmly.</p>
<p>“I’m almost done,” Alec insisted, still not looking at Magnus, focusing completely on hitting the bag again and again and again.</p>
<p>“You have said that the last four times I have come in here too,” Magnus reminded him with concern and a hint of annoyance in his voice.</p>
<p>“It’s truer now then,” Alec insisted, sounding out of breath as he still didn’t look at him and kept beating up the bag.</p>
<p>“You can relax sometimes too,” Magnus reminded him softly.</p>
<p>“I just need a few more,” Alec insisted, his eyes and voice sounding far away as he kept beating the bag violently as if it had personally offended him.</p>
<p>Magnus frowned in concern and moved closer, so close he was almost touching Alec.</p>
<p>“Alexander, look at me,” Magnus ordered, his voice kind but firm and enthralling.</p>
<p>“A few more,” Alec insisted, focused on the bag, hitting it again and again.</p>
<p>Having had enough Magnus grabbed Alec by the shoulders and turned him around so he was facing him, shaking him more harshly than he had intended, Alec following the shake, his head moving back and forth, too exhausted to do anything else.</p>
<p>“Alexander, look at me!” Magnus ordered sharply, angrily.</p>
<p>“I….” Alec got out, his lips quivering slightly, unshed tears appearing in his eyes.</p>
<p>Magnus suddenly realized what he was doing and stopped shaking him at once. Instead he engulfed him in a warm embrace, holding him so tight it was close to being painful.</p>
<p>“Darling, it’s fine. You’re fine,” Magnus insisted softly, brokenly, fighting to hold it together for him.</p>
<p>“I….I….” Alec got out, fighting to regain his footing, his sense of control, his body weak and drained, his knuckles bleeding and bruised.</p>
<p>“You are doing great. So great. I am here for you,” Magnus whispered in his ear.</p>
<p>“Magnus,” Alec got out, the name like a prayer as he hugged him tightly, almost desperately.</p>
<p>“I am here, I’m here,” Magnus assured him, unaware he was crying.</p>
<p>“Magnus,” Alec repeated brokenly, crying now too. His legs started to give way under him as his whole body started to shake.</p>
<p>Magnus lowered them to sit on the floor together, still holding around him, Alec clinging to him as if for dear life.</p>
<p>“Shh. It’s ok, darling. It’s ok,” Magnus comforted him.</p>
<p>Magnus kept repeating words of endearment and comfort, none of them even really knowing what he was saying but the words themselves didn’t matter. It felt like a long time as they sat there, both crying, clinging to each other, but it was likely more around ten minutes.</p>
<p>Slowly their crying started to subside and they both started to find their footing again.</p>
<p>“Sorry. I made your shirt all wet,” Alec apologized, sniffling a bit, smiled shyly at Magnus as he pulled a bit back so they could look at each other while still holding around each other. Alec moved his legs so he was between Magnus’ legs and his own legs were over his, facing each other.</p>
<p>“I don’t mind, sayang <em>[darling in Indonesian],” </em>Magnus assured him lovingly as he stroked his cheek affectionately.</p>
<p>They hugged again and sat like that for a while longer before Alec pulled back again so he could look at Magnus.</p>
<p>“I thought of you. I thought of you a lot,” Alec finally said, the soft words seeming loud in the quiet room, knowing Magnus would understand he was referring to his captivity.</p>
<p>“I thought of you all the time,” Magnus told him, almost holding his breath as Alec talked, afraid he might say something that would spook him and make him stop talking.</p>
<p>“I killed that female prisoner,” Alec told him frankly, biting his lower lip and looking worried and nervous about what Magnus would say to that.</p>
<p>“I know. It’s ok,” Magnus said softly, kindly. He then paused before he admitted, now fearful of how Alec would react to this, “I killed a lot of Mundanes to get to you but I have no regrets; they all deserved it. I just hope you won’t think less of me.”</p>
<p>“Never!” Alec promised hotly, making Magnus smile happily. “But I never wanted you to carry such a burden for me,” Alec admitted regretfully.</p>
<p>Magnus shook his head as he took one of Alec’s hands and locking eyes with him he took the hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly, making Alec blush at the romantic gesture.</p>
<p>“It was never a burden and never will be a burden to love you,” Magnus told him warmly, giving him a look so intense and so filled with love Alec blushed even more.</p>
<p>“But…” Alec started to protest, still finding it hard to believe anyone could love him that much.</p>
<p>“And it was and is my choice and I gladly choose to do anything and everything in my power to see you safe and happy,” Magnus interrupted firmly but lovingly, making Alec smile and stop his protects.</p>
<p>After a short silence Alec admitted, his voice filled with remembered anguish, “They used the Agony Rune on us, Magnus.”</p>
<p>Magnus had to close his eyes against hearing that, wanting nothing more than to be able to go back and rescue him from that.</p>
<p>“Go on,” Magnus encouraged softly, knowing this was not about him or how he felt about it.</p>
<p>“They used the physical aspect for Jace and the mental one for me,” Alec admitted quietly, looking down and Magnus took a firm grip on his hand, giving him strength.</p>
<p>“Their choice?” Magnus asked softly, feeling proud of himself that he was able to keep his own feelings of despair, pain and anger at the ordeal Alec had suffered out of his voice.</p>
<p>“Jace’s,” Alec admitted.</p>
<p>“Are you ok with that?” Magnus asked concerned.</p>
<p>Alec thought about it, really thought about it, but then nodded as he said seriously, “Yes. It was better it was me. I knew Jace could and would get over the physical aspects of it.”</p>
<p>Magnus couldn’t help but both be proud and a bit sad at hearing that; Alec always thought of others before himself. Alec had never once considered how this choice would affect him; he had only thought to protect Jace as best as he could.</p>
<p>“The wall holds?” Magnus asked worried.</p>
<p>Magnus knew how the mental aspect of the Agony Rune worked; it could send a man into madness if mental walls were not built up so the mind could be protected. To have survived something like that, in particular for Alec who had so many insecurities and fears trapped inside his own mind….if he had thought Alec was strong before he knew now that he was without a doubt the strongest man he had ever known.</p>
<p>Alec nodded, relieved he didn’t have to explain how the Agony Rune worked and give all the details for Magnus to understand.</p>
<p>“The wall holds,” Alec said firmly. He paused and smiled at him as he admitted fondly, “Being near you makes it stronger.”</p>
<p>Magnus smiled and squeezed his hand tightly, “Good.”</p>
<p>Alec was quiet for a few minutes and Magnus simply held him, giving him all the time he needed.</p>
<p>“The man you killed…the one who almost…” Alec suddenly said, his voice pained and agonized.</p>
<p>“Raped you,” Magnus supplied, his cat eyes showing for a moment, unable to keep his hatred of that man out of his voice as he said it.</p>
<p>Alec nodded, blushing in embarrassment at hearing it said aloud, “Yes.”</p>
<p>Magnus wanted to give him a reassuring kiss but thought it would be bad timing so he instead squeezed his hand tightly and smiled warmly and encouraging at him.</p>
<p>“What about him?” Magnus encouraged softly.</p>
<p>“Jace was there. He saw it,” Alec admitted, looking down as he spoke.</p>
<p>Magnus didn’t know what to say; that must have been awful for them both. So finally he just said in a sympathetic tone, “Ok.”</p>
<p>“I don’t remember much. I think I was in shock. We had tried to escape and got caught,” Alec explained, looking at him as he spoke, biting his lower lip nervously, looking intensely at Magnus for his reaction. He knew Magnus would understand, he logically knew that. His fears and insecurities just didn’t feel it, didn’t accept that logic, and instead kept mocking him that surely Magnus thought less of him now because why shouldn’t he? He thought less of himself.</p>
<p>“You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t your fault,” Magnus assured him lovingly, warmly, his eyes and face holding nothing but love and none of the contempt or blame a part of Alec even now had feared.</p>
<p>Magnus’ easy love and acceptance, how naturally he said it…Alec didn’t even know it when tears of relief ran down his cheeks. Magnus wiped his tears away with a gentle hand.</p>
<p>“You are safe now, darling,” Magnus said heartfelt, a lump in his throat as he pulled him into a tight hug.</p>
<p>They hugged for a long time, taking comfort in each other’s nearness. Finally, when Alec felt stronger and calmer, reassured by Magnus’ nearness and love, he pulled back enough so they could look at each other again.</p>
<p>“They sent Jace on a mission. When he made the light rune Clary invented. He killed someone,” Alec told him, his voice filled with self-discrimination and pain at Jace having had to do that.</p>
<p>Magnus nodded grimly but then smiled softly, encouraging at him, “We know. It’s ok.”</p>
<p>Alec gave him a confused look as he asked in a pained voice, “How can he be so ok with that when I have such issues with what I did?”</p>
<p>Magnus pulled him back into his embrace.</p>
<p>“We all react differently,” Magnus told him against his ear before kissing the top of his head.</p>
<p>“Do you think it makes me….” Alec asked softly, fearfully, his voice so quiet against Magnus’ neck he could barely hear him.</p>
<p>“What? Weak?” Magnus asked, his voice equally as soft against Alec’s ear.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Alec admitted in a small and pained voice.</p>
<p>Magnus shook his head as he pulled back, lifting Alec’s head up with a gentle hand so he was looking at him, making him see the truth in his eyes and expression.</p>
<p>“No, never. Just different,” Magnus told him seriously, firmly.</p>
<p>Alec looked away for a moment before he admitted in a small defeated tone, “I stopped fighting them, Magnus. When Peter would order me to go stand by the wall and I knew he would have me flogged…I stopped fighting. I just did it.”</p>
<p>Magnus had to close his eyes briefly against the mental images Alec’s words brought him, his heart breaking for the man he loved more than life itself.</p>
<p>“Because if you did fight them Jace would suffer and Jace didn’t fight because you would suffer. That is not weak. That is strength,” Magnus insisted in a firm voice, filled with pride and understanding.</p>
<p>Alec smiled, not knowing how much hearing those words from Magnus meant until he heard them. He felt calmer, better, hearing it. He put a hand on Magnus’ cheek and kissed him tenderly, almost chaste, as if he was the most precious thing in the world because to Alec he was.</p>
<p>“Do you want to ask me something?” Alec asked when he pulled back, stroking Magnus’ cheek lovingly before he pulled his hand back and found Magnus’ hand, holding it, giving it a tight squeeze.</p>
<p>“About your captivity?” Magnus asked.</p>
<p>Alec nodded, a determined look on his face, “Yes, I don’t want to have any secrets from you.”</p>
<p>Magnus gave him a kind look, thinking about it before he replied, “You have given me a pretty clear picture though I was wondering…what did Peter want you for? Besides leverage against Jace?”</p>
<p>“He wanted me to lead his missions, organize them, plan them,” Alec told him matter of fact, relieved that if nothing else then at least he never did that; it never got that far. It could have; it would have…if Magnus had not showed up when he did.</p>
<p>“So you were to be the brains and Jace the brawn of his little illegal operation?” Magnus thought aloud. It was clever in a dark and twisted way; no Mundane enemy would stand a chance against the parabatai pair.</p>
<p>Alec nodded grimly, “I think so, yes.”</p>
<p>“I regret his death could not have taken longer,” Magnus admitted darkly, his cat eyes visible for a second in his hatred for the man.</p>
<p>“And while we were captured you united the Downworld and started a rebellion against Idris,” Alec reminded him, still awed and amazed by the world he had returned to. It had only been six months but so much had changed in that time for them both and for the Shadow World in general.</p>
<p>Magnus smiled widely at him as he said, “Seemed like the thing to do.”</p>
<p>“All to get me back?” Alec asked, still not quite believing anyone could care that much for him of all people.</p>
<p>Magnus gave him a loving look filled with promise and determination as he said, “Darling, to get you back I would burn the Earth and extinguish the stars.”</p>
<p>Alec stared dumbstruck at him.</p>
<p>“Wow. That’s…. very poetic,” Alec admitted with a shy smile.</p>
<p>Magnus grinned but then said in a serious tone, “It is. It is also true.”</p>
<p>Alec smiled lovingly at him as he told him just as seriously, “I would do anything for you too.”</p>
<p>“I love you. Forever,” Magnus vowed heartfelt, a lump in his throat.</p>
<p>Alec smiled widely as he said, “I love you too, always.”</p>
<p>They were both so caught up in the loving kiss that followed for a while neither of them noticed anything out of the ordinary. Then Alec registered movement out of the corner of his eye and pulled back from Magnus to see what it was. He looked up and scanned their surroundings and saw that small red hearts, the size of a fingernail and golden stars the size of a hand was magically raining down over them and then dissolving when they hit the floor in a burst of red and golden sparkles.</p>
<p>“Oh, stars….and hearts,” Alec said in awe and wonder as he looked from the display to Magnus, smiling widely.</p>
<p>Magnus blushed in embarrassment as he hastily said, “Sorry! It has been ages since I have lost control like this! We have been apart so long and my magic is tied to my feelings so…”</p>
<p>Alec silenced him with a finger against his lips, smiling at him, making Magnus smile back. He reached his free hand out and some of the hearts and stars collided with his hand and dissolved in golden and red sparkles.</p>
<p>“No, no. I love it. Thank you. It is so beautiful,” Alec said heartfelt, removing his finger from his lips.</p>
<p>“You are beautiful,” Magnus corrected, smiling happily as him, stroking his cheek, amazed that this wonderful man was his. This man that loved all parts of him, also his demonic side, loved him so completely.</p>
<p>“Thank you for loving me,” Alec said heartfelt, sincerely.</p>
<p>“Thank you for being you,” Magnus replied lovingly.</p>
<p>They kissed again under a continuous slow magical rain of hearts and stars. The day had some difficult moments but today had ended up being a good day, a very good day, for Magnus and Alec. There had been painful moments but together, as always, they had gotten through them.</p>
<p>
  <em>End of part 6</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was 23 pages in my program; hope you liked that fact. I thought given the hard times, people might enjoy some longer chapters to distract from what is going on for a while. :)<br/>This chapter had several things readers wanted: Moving the story ahead a bit (so we shipped the Mundane battles as we already previously talked about how that would be handled), Alec and Andrew connecting, the immortality issue has been brought up (more on this later), emotional support animal (I did that one with a twist but she’s there!), Magnus and Alec finally clearing the air, Clary moving closer to getting help, Jace and Clary bonding, more Izzy…. and fluff! So much fluff! ;)<br/>Hope everyone enjoyed it. If you have a request for the coming chapters let me know and I will see what I can do.<br/>So now that it’s all hearts and flowers...some drama from Idris and some setbacks but also parabatai bonding moments on the way for our boys because love doesn't magically fix PTSD issues but don’t worry; I will fix everything afterwards. :)<br/>During these difficult times I will try and update all my stories more often. If you have a request for what I should update next let me know and I will see what I can do.<br/>If you are enjoying this story please let me know. Comments and kudos means a lot to me; even more now than ever as I am getting to the point of talking to my dog and half expecting him to answer me back! ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. On War, Loss and Immortality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alec and Jace act as bait and it works a bit too well when Alec ends up seriously injured.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions general PTSD feelings, talk about sex, character becomes immortal (you all know who), talk of murder, bad guy being tortured.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read chapter notes for warnings for this chapter</strong>
</p><h1>Chapter 7: On War, Loss and Immortality</h1><p>The first trip outside of the loft, outside the protection of Magnus’ wards, had been tense and challenging for Jace and Alec. Not that they would admit it. They had, however, left fully armed, glamouring their weapons from the Mundanes. It had calmed Alec greatly that he had Kitty Cat as well as Magnus and Jace with him.</p><p>In the weeks that had passed, Alec had talked more with Magnus about his ordeal and had found that Magnus had listened and been supportive through it all, never pushing, just….there. It was a huge relief for him that they could talk about it. Magnus had even understood the few times he had exploded in irrational fits of rage, yelling at everyone and everything – even him. Magnus’ long life and vast experiences meant he had an insight into things, a calm and control, that was a great support to Alec.</p><p>Alec almost felt a bit bad about how much Magnus’ support meant to him because when he spoke with Jace he understood that he still hadn’t felt he could talk to Clary. He had told her superficial things; facts. He had told her how Alec had been whipped if he had failed or that he had suffered the physical aspects of the agony rune but he hadn’t been able to tell her how helpless he had felt, how guilty he still felt. How angry he was at the world. How useless he had felt despite all of his pure Angel blood and powers.</p><p>Alec and Jace still put a few hours aside every second day to talk about the Mundane books Cat had given them. Well the pretense were the books, which they did both read, but the books gave them the excuse they needed to talk about them – about how they felt. Now that they had been outside Magnus’ wards a few times, they had talked about maybe dropping by one of those Mundane groups Cat had mentioned – when the Idris connection was sorted and things were settled again. Just to check it out. They could always leave again.</p><p>Alec had not been intimate with Magnus yet – they hadn’t done more than hugs and kisses. Magnus seemed ok with it; said he understood. Alec worried if it was true but Magnus seemed sure about it. He wanted to be with Magnus again, sexually, but whenever he thought about it he still flashed back to what had happened during his captivity.</p><p>Jace, being Jace, had of course told him that he and Clary had gotten over that hurdle and now it was easy. Just get back up on the horse, Jace had advised – as ever the advocate for ‘put your shit in a mental box and forget it exists’ but Alec couldn’t just do that. He thought too much about things; he felt too much. Alec was happy for Jace that he had this release, this closeness though. He knew that Jace, like Izzy, was a very physical person and since he couldn’t share his emotions with Clary like he could with Magnus, it seemed fair in some cosmic way that he could have this.</p><p>After Jace and Alec had gotten more comfortable with being outside again they had initiated the second stage of their plan – drawing out their enemies in Idris. They had concluded from the evidence they had gathered that the people behind their kidnapping in Idris had wanted them gone for several reasons; Alec’s desire to change relations between Idris and the Downworld had already ruffled feathers among most Nephilim, Alec being openly gay and still keeping his command (although not from a lack of several people trying to take it from him), Jace’s Angel blood made him so powerful it would likely scare some hardliners, fearing he couldn’t be controlled and finally Jace’s multiple last names over a season had certainly had people question just where his loyalty really lay.</p><p>They had furthermore operated on the assumption that whoever wanted them gone to such an extent they had worked with the Mundanes would still want them gone. Additionally, they would have to be highly placed. The Mundanes had clearly been capturing Downworlders in a devilish win-win bargain for a very long time. This clearly indicated some high raked hardliners were behind this.</p><p>The documents they had saved and the computer files Simon had looked at had indicated a spike in activity when the Circle had been on the scene. Likely, they were looking for high-ranking Clave officials who had had some connection, likely a hidden one though since they were still in power, with Valentine and the Circle. They were operating on the assumption at least some of these hardliners were Clave members; this would also explain how Aldertree and Raj had more than happily helped with the kidnapping because they were all certain they were involved in this.</p><p>Jace and Alec would therefore pretend to run errands, just the two of them, a few times for the last two weeks, to try to draw attention to themselves. So far, nothing had happened even though they always made sure to run errands across New York. They also made sure to go on real errands to avoid arising suspicion so mostly they were having meetings with Downworlders, rallying support for a change of the Accords and Magnus’ leadership.</p><p>Jace and Alec were on the way back from such a meeting, walking across the city, a little before midnight, the stars up, the moon bright, the weather mild but a bit windy. The streetlamps illuminated everything in a fake brightness. They were walking through back roads and thus there were few cars on the roads and fewer people out. The apartment buildings were casting shadows from the streetlamps and occasionally noises from TV sets, music, people talking or fighting reached them. Despite having done this several times already Jace and Alec stayed alert and vigilant, while trying to pretend they weren’t to make themselves look as easy targets for any potential assailants.</p><p>“It’s nice,” Alec said, breaking the comfortable silence between them as they walked at a comfortable pace side by side.</p><p>“What is?” Jace asked, nodding towards an alleyway that would take them on a shortcut to the park and from there to Magnus’ loft.</p><p>Alec nodded agreement and they started walking that way, both aware of the tall buildings with the open roofs; perfect for an ambush but than that was the whole point of these outings after all.</p><p>“Just being us,” Alec clarified, pulling the collar of his coat a bit tighter around his neck with his free hand, his quiver and bow glamoured from view.</p><p>“And your Hell cat,” Jace remarked with some amusement as he nodded towards the large Hell cat walking a few feet beside Alec.</p><p>Hell felines were intelligent animals and Kitty Cat knew to glamour when among Mundanes so only people with the Sight could see her.</p><p>Jace gave Alec a warm smile, before returning to scan their surroundings, blades ready, facing downwards, in both his hands.</p><p>“True. Having her around has been…perfect,” Alec admitted, smiling at the Hell feline who moved closer so he could affectionately pet her head before she moved back to watch their surroundings.</p><p>“She’s quite something,” Jace agreed with a fond look at the large Hell creature, happy to see how her constant presence had calmed Alec and given him more courage to do things alone – well, alone but with Kitty Cat - even if it had taken Clary some getting used to the fact that they now shared a bedroom with three other people <strong>and</strong> a Hell creature.</p><p>“Still less crowded than the loft sometimes get,” Alec argued.</p><p>Normally Alec loved having everyone he cared for near – that way he was sure they were safe. Sometimes it was nice though to be alone with his thoughts or alone with Magnus – or with Jace.</p><p>“And our friends shadowing us,” Jace reminded him, nodding to the side where a wall of a building was to indicate their friends were around – behind them, in front of them as they knew their route, jumping from roof top to roof top, hidden, glamoured, silent.</p><p>“Yes,” Alec agreed, nodding, feeling calmer for knowing that they were indeed being shadowed by Magnus, Lorenzo, Andrew, Izzy and Clary this evening – as they had every other time they had gone out to be bait. Raphael, Simon, Cat and Meliorn were hanging back, securing exits and checking for potential reinforcements.</p><p>“And whoever might want to try and murder us,” Jace reminded him with dark humor, raising an eyebrow at him.</p><p>“Don’t you just know how to lighten a mood,” Alec complained good-natured but Jace’s banter had made him smile which he knew was what Jace had wanted.</p><p>“I know. I’m awesome,” Jace teased, happy for this light moment between Alec and himself.</p><p>So often their alone times focused on their shared darkness; sometimes it was nice to just share something light too.</p><p>Alec laughed at his statement.</p><p>“You are,” Alec readily agreed with a smile. He paused as he added more seriously, keeping an eye on his surroundings as they walked down a small back alley, the two buildings close but wide enough for a car to pass, “So, you and Clary seem a bit better these days.”</p><p>Jace nodded as he replied, “Yes.” He hesitated but then added, “She really wants our own room.”</p><p>Alec stopped for a moment in shock, fear washing over him. Sleep apart? He fought down his fear. Of course, Jace and Clary would need their own room. They obviously couldn’t keep sleeping four people in one room, no matter how ok Magnus claimed to be with it.</p><p>“Do you?” Alec asked softly, a bit afraid of the answer.</p><p>Jace shrugged, faking a calm he didn’t feel.</p><p>“Eventually,” Jace then said honestly, sending waves of love and reassurance through the bond to Alec who instantly seemed to relax a bit, sending his own love and affection back.</p><p>“How about you?” Jace asked him.</p><p>“Eventually,” Alec agreed because he did mean that.</p><p>He knew it had to happen; he just wasn’t quite ready to let Jace out of his sight for a whole night and he could tell neither was Jace. It had gotten a bit better; they could train apart, eat apart…things like that. However, so far they always went outside the loft together and they always slept together. They were not yet ready to not do that.</p><p>“She thinks it has been a long time,” Jace admitted.</p><p>“It has been six weeks,” Alec protested, still a bit amazed it hadn’t been longer. It felt longer. And yet not long at all.</p><p>“Yeah…” Jace agreed but then paused as he considered that fact and added, “Seems weird, doesn’t it?”</p><p>Alec nodded grimly, “Yeah. It does.”</p><p>Jace paused, reflecting over these past few weeks.</p><p>“Sometimes things don’t feel quite…real,” Jace admitted softly, unsure how else to explain it. “You know?”</p><p>Alec nodded, knowing precisely what he meant.</p><p>“As if everything is …under water,” Alec added.</p><p>“Precisely,” Jace said as he drew a relieved breath, happy that Alec understood but then of course he understood.</p><p>They had sometimes been out of sync before but after their captivity they were so attuned to each other and each other’s feelings and needs they were truly two halves of one soul as true parabatai should be.</p><p>“Sometimes when Clary talks to me about stuff…like things not related for example, you know the Idris connection and things like that,” Jace explained, not knowing why he was explaining this now but he finally felt like saying it and so he did, knowing Alec would get it.</p><p>“Normal things,” Alec supplied.</p><p>Jace nodded as he confirmed, “Yes.”</p><p>“Then what?” Alec pressed gently when Jace fell silent.</p><p>“I just….I zone out,” Jace admitted a bit sheepishly.</p><p>“Lose interest?” Alec clarified.</p><p>“More than that,” Jace said, going silent as he fought to find the right words. “It’s like it becomes background noise.”</p><p>“Or it makes you angry?” Alec suggested. At Jace’s questioning look Alec elaborated, “At least that’s how I feel sometimes. It just makes me angry. Like illogically so.”</p><p>Jace smiled gratefully as he said, “Thank the Angel! I thought it was just me.”</p><p>“Just you what?” Alec questioned.</p><p>Jace put both blades in one hand so he could run a hand through his hair in frustration before going back to having a blade in each hand.</p><p>“I feel angry like all the time,” Jace admitted.</p><p>“Yeah. I do feel angry a lot more than I used to as well,” Alec admitted, sounding a bit frustrated over that fact.</p><p>“Feels nice to walk outside again though,” Jace commented, taking a deep breath, still enjoying the open air, the wind…just seeing a tree was a small miracle after being held inside a ship for almost six month.</p><p>Alec smiled and looked around, seeing the sky, the stars….hell, even the lampposts looked amazing these days and a wonder to see in person again after having started to lose faith they would ever get away from the ship.</p><p>“Yeah,” Alec agreed.</p><p>They walked a bit further down the alley before Jace remarked, “No one seem to be taking the bait today either.”</p><p>Alec nodded; they did indeed seem to have failed in drawing anyone out. Again.</p><p>“Want to take a shortcut through the park to get back to the loft quicker?” Alec asked.</p><p>“What I <strong>want</strong> is for them to make a move so we can be done with this,” Jace admitted, frustrated.</p><p>Alec nodded, knowing precisely how he felt as he agreed, “Yeah. It is exhausting to wait.”</p><p>Something Jace couldn’t pinpoint made the hair in the back of his neck rise, like a shadow falling over his grave. He looked around and raised his blades but the alley looked empty. However, he could see Kitty Cat looked alert and tense; she had likely felt whatever he had felt too.</p><p>“Maybe we should turn back and…” Jace started to say.</p><p>Then all Hell broke loose and Jace never got to finish his sentence. Two Shadowhunters became visible on the left side rooftop, bows in their hands, arrows flying as soon as the glamour faded. With lightning reflexes, Alec had an arrow on his bow and fired it, hitting one of them in the heart, killing him at once. An arrow came at Jace and he deflected it with his blades. While he was deflecting the arrow, two more arrows came towards him from the rooftop to the right, catching them in the crossfire. They had known the alley would be perfect for a crossfire; the idea had of course been that their friends had noticed the Shadowhunters and captured them <strong>before</strong> they got to them.</p><p>“Duck!” Alec yelled to Jace as he shot one arrow at the right side rooftop, killing a second Shadowhunter.</p><p>Jace ducked at Alec’s command but the bowman at the left side roof had already fired another arrow. Jace turned to deflect the arrow from the bowman on the right side roof as Alec pushed Jace out of the way, catching the arrow in his chest, falling down as he fired his bow again, hitting the bowman on the right side roof in the leg. Jace deflected another arrow but one had come through, aiming right at Alec. Jace could only watch in horror, sure the second arrow would kill Alec, unable to deflect it in time with his blades. However, Kitty Cat jumped in front of Alec at the last moment, the arrow catching her in her upper body and she collapsed next to Alec.</p><p>“Kitty Cat!” Alec got out, worried, his voice pained from his injury.</p><p>Jace stood defensively in front of both of them and deflected two more arrows aimed at them, a third managing to hit him in his right leg, making him struggle to stand.</p><p>“Fuck!” Jace swore, eying the two last Shadowhunters for more incoming arrows.</p><p>One of the bowmen looked over his shoulder and gave a hand signal to the other man and they both ran. Jace stayed alert, looking around for more enemies, hearing both Alec and Kitty Cat fighting to breathe.</p><p>“Magnus!” Jace yelled loudly, fearful and worried, feeling Alec’s pain through the bond though he was trying hard to control it.</p><p>Jace caught sight of Andrew up on the right rooftop who waved down at him, indicating the perimeter was protected now. Jace drew a relieved breath and then turned to Alec, kneeling down next to him, putting his blades on the ground. The arrow had caught Alec in the lung as far as Jace could tell from his rasped breathing and the blood around his mouth that he drew up whenever he breathed. Jace pulled the arrow out, wincing at the echoed pain this action brought him. He quickly took his steele out and drew an iratze, waiting for it to work. And…. nothing happened! Panicked Jace drew it again. And again nothing. Jace picked up the arrow and smelled it, frowning in concern when he recognized the smell.</p><p>“The arrows have been tipped in some kind of demon poison. Iratzes won’t work on the arrow wounds. It has to be healed the Mundane way,” Jace told Alec worried as he put both his hands over the wound, trying to stop the bleeding.</p><p>Alec had lost a lot of blood when he had pulled the arrow out. Jace had not even considered preventing that as he had thought the iratze would heal the wound instantly as soon as he applied it.</p><p>“Damnit,” Jace swore helplessly, his hands already covered in Alec’s blood, his heart racing in fear. He couldn’t lose Alec. He just couldn’t!</p><p>“This is not going according to plan,” Alec rasped pained, blood running out from the corner of his mouth as he spoke, trying to give Jace a reassuring look but the agony echoed on his face ruined it.</p><p>“Shut up, you idiot. You are bleeding out!” Jace scowled, his voice shaking from emotions.</p><p>“I’m fine. It’s just…” Alec began, feeling lightheaded and fussy from blood loss. He looked down at where Jace was pressing his hands against his wound. “Oh. That’s…that’s quite a lot of blood,” Alec admitted surprised.</p><p>“Alexander!” Magnus yelled horrified as he ran into the alley and knelt down next to Alec, on the opposite side of where Jace was kneeling.</p><p>“Alec!” Izzy yelled as she ran towards them, her voice panicked and worried as she took in the injured Hell feline, her bother on the ground and the arrow still stuck in Jace.</p><p>“Izzy, there were several archers. Make sure we got them all; we are sitting ducks down here!” Jace ordered, his anxiety for Alec making his voice sound more desperate than commanding.</p><p>“Alec?” Izzy asked worried, hesitating though she knew he was right.</p><p>“I will take care of him,” Magnus swore, stroking Alec’s cheek lovingly as he picked up the arrow to figure out what they were dealing with, aware something wasn’t right as otherwise Jace would have just applied an iratze.</p><p>“Ok. Save him!” Izzy ordered unnecessarily, having faith in Magnus and his abilities to help her brother but her worry for Alec still made her voice sharp and biting.</p><p>“I won’t let him die. I won’t give up on him. Ever!” Jace promised her, his voice strong and determined.</p><p>Izzy nodded as she ran out of the alley to catch their attackers.</p><p>“Can you heal him?” Jace asked when Magnus had investigated the arrow, looking very worried.</p><p>“No,” Magnus admitted in a small voice, feeling helpless, tears in his eyes, his heart dying. “This poison won’t allow anything unnatural to effect it.”</p><p>“We have to get him to a Mundane hospital then,” Jace concluded and Magnus nodded.</p><p>Even though none of them had any faith in Mundane hospitals then given how badly injured Alec was it was their best bet to ensure he would survive now that they couldn’t bring him to the hospital wing of the New York Institute.</p><p>“I will pick him up, you cover the wound,” Magnus ordered and Jace nodded agreement.</p><p>“Alexander, darling, I will pick you up. It will hurt but both Jace and I are here,” Magnus said softly, stroking Alec’s cheek to try to get his attention.</p><p>Alec’s skin felt clammy and his eyes were glassed and unfocused, his face set in pained lines.</p><p>“Magnus?” Alec got out, finding it hard to pay attention to what was going on, the blood loss making him feel almost high.</p><p>“Focus on me, please,” Magnus asked tenderly, fighting to keep his concern and fear out of his voice so not to worry him.</p><p>“I…I’m here,” Alec got out. Suddenly he remembered and asked worried, trying to see her as he asked, “How’s Kitty Cat?”</p><p>Magnus looked over at the Hell feline. She was still breathing but clearly struggling, blood forming around the arrow wound and her breaths were pained and uneven.</p><p>“She’s…I think she will be fine,” Magnus assured him, lying through his teeth to calm him, as he had no clue how severe the injury truly was but it had to wait. Right now, they had to focus on Alec.</p><p>Magnus fought to control his anger and guilt at Alec being hurt. They had known there had been a risk with this plan, but Alec and Jace had wanted to take it. Their mistake had been underestimating the resources of the people who were after them.</p><p>The four bowmen who had aimed at Jace and Alec had only been part of the attack force. Four more had showed up at each end of the alleyway. Magnus and Izzy had killed the four at their end while Clary, Andrew and Lorenzo had fought to take care of the four at the other end of the alleyway. Sometime during the battle, Andrew had made it to the roof and had gone after the escaping bowmen. Due to the spells Lorenzo had cast on Andrew he had quickly been able to find him again after he and Clary had finished with the four who had attacked from their end of the alleyway. When Lorenzo had reached Andrew, he had been fighting the two bowmen who had escaped. Lorenzo killed one of them when he had gotten too close to Andrew for Lorenzo’s liking. This had earned him a dirty look from Andrew for not only killing a potential lead but also because he felt he could have handled it; Lorenzo was of course completely unfazed by it. If Andrew was alive to complain over being protected by him, it meant one crucial thing; he was <strong>alive</strong>. Seeing Andrew had things under control with securing the remaining living Shadowhunter prisoner Lorenzo had gone to report to Magnus about the situation.</p><p>“Andrew got one! We can use him to…” Lorenzo started to say as he came closer. He froze as he saw Alec on the ground, Jace covering his wound. “Shit!”</p><p>“He will be fine,” Magnus insisted, his voice sounding borderline hysterical, unable and unwilling to even consider any reality in which Alec would not be with him, would not be alright.</p><p>“Magnus,” Lorenzo began softly, his voice holding an edge of sympathy and concern as he came closer and saw the arrow and the lack of any iratzes on Alec, quickly drawing the conclusion the arrows had been poisoned.</p><p>Lorenzo could tell the wound was fatal if it could only be healed the Mundane way which was clearly the case here. It was a matter of minutes. Magnus knew it too; the empty and lost look in his eyes spoke volumes. Jace looked grim, his emotions frozen, clearly in shock and in denial, struggling still to press on the wound as best as he could, his hands covered in blood.</p><p>“No!” Magnus denied, his cat eyes warning Lorenzo to back off as he created a portal one handed to a nearby Mundane hospital.</p><p>Magnus started to try to gather Alec into his arms to take him through the portal. Alec yelled aloud in pain at the movement.</p><p>“Magnus! Magnus! Stop it! It is pointless!” Lorenzo told him, putting a hand on his arm.</p><p>Magnus laid Alec back down again, his attempt at standing up blocked by Lorenzo.</p><p>“Lorenzo, back off!” Magnus said angrily.</p><p>“Magnus, this won’t help him!” Lorenzo all but yelled, knowing Magnus knew this as well.</p><p>“I am <strong>not</strong> losing him!” Magnus said angrily, anguished.</p><p>Lorenzo was thoughtful for a moment before he said quietly, “You don’t have to.”</p><p>Magnus gave him a hopeful look, willing to do anything to make that true.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“We talked about it. After the attack on the Mundanes,” Lorenzo reminded him.</p><p>“I can’t. He can’t consent,” Magnus protested, torn about what to do. He couldn’t lose Alec but granting him Immortality without his consent…such a life-changing decisions should never be taken lightly.</p><p>“He will be alive,” Lorenzo said evenly, seeing no issues with it. If it were Andrew, he would do it in a heartbeat; then Andrew could be angry about it all he wanted. After he had been saved!</p><p>“What are you guys talking about? Can you help Alec or not?” Jace insisted, frustrated, feeling Alec growing fainter and fainter through their bond.</p><p>Lorenzo turned to look at him and nodded as he confirmed, “Yes.”</p><p>“Lorenzo, no. it’s not that simple,” Magnus warned, looking at Jace.</p><p>“What is it? Tell me!” Jace insisted, desperate.</p><p>“There’s a handfasting ritual known among Warlocks. It will bind Alec’s life force to Magnus’,” Lorenzo explained.</p><p>“And?” Jace pressed, knowing there was more to it if Magnus was hesitating to do it.</p><p>“It will make him immortal,” Lorenzo added.</p><p>“Do it!” Jace ordered sharply, not caring if it meant Alec would be blue from now on. He was <strong>not</strong> losing him! Ever!</p><p>“The price is his soul. He won’t have entrance to Heaven any longer should he die because immortality does not mean he can’t still die,” Magnus warned.</p><p>Lorenzo noticed the injured Hell feline.</p><p>“You two figure that out while I go help the cat,” Lorenzo told then and closed Magnus’ portal to the Mundane hospital, instead making a portal to take the Hell cat with him to Simon.</p><p>Lorenzo concluded that of all the people he could get to quickly Simon was the best bet as he was a recent Mundane and he had an understanding of computers (anyone who understood those weird things were bound to know next to anything as far as Lorenzo were concerned; up to and including how to heal a Hell cat the Mundane way). He walked over to Kitty Cat and lifted her up in his arms, his magic helping him carry her. The cat protested weakly at being removed from Alec, snarling at him.</p><p>“I will get you back to him, you oversized housecat,” Lorenzo complained as Kitty Cat scratched him on his nearest arm, drawing bloody marks and ruining his clothes. “Quit it Kitty Cat! You need to heal so you can protect him, ok? Deal?” The cat seemed to consider his words but stopped her attack and Lorenzo sighed in relief as he managed to get her through the portal.</p><p>Meanwhile Jace and Magnus continued debating the issue of Alec’s immortality.</p><p>Jace shook his head and gave Magnus a piercing look as he said, “I don’t care. He will be alive.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t Alexander care?” Magnus asked, not wanting to take Alec’s choices from him but not wanting him to die either.</p><p>Jace shrugged as best as he could with his hands still on Alec’s wound. He looked down at Alec who was trying to follow the conversation but just looked confused and dazed, unable to understand what was going on, too far gone.</p><p>“Frankly I don’t care. If he is alive, he is free to hate me for this. Do it!” Jace ordered.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Magnus asked to confirm, putting his right hand over Alec’s heart in the position required for the spell.</p><p>“Do it!” Jace snapped impatiently, the echoed feeling of Alec’s pain and growing faintness as his life force was leaving him making Jace have very limited patience with moral debates on this issue.</p><p>“I should warn you that this has never been done on a Nephilim or someone with a parabatai,” Magnus warned him.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Jace demanded to know, worried it would mean Alec could be harmed.</p><p>“The bonding of my soul to Alec’s might affect your parabatai bond,” Magnus clarified.</p><p>“Would I lose the bond to him?” Jace asked fearfully. Next to losing Alec then losing the bond was what he feared the most. He doubted he would survive without feeling Alec in his soul; or rather he would not want to.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Magnus admitted.</p><p>Jace shook his head as if to clear it and set his lips in a determined line.</p><p>“I will deal with it, somehow, but I can’t deal with him dead. Do it!” Jace ordered, his mind made up.</p><p>“Ok,” Magnus agreed and magic started to flow from his hand and into Alec’s heart. “Forgive me, darling,” Magnus mumbled softly before he started to recite the ancient spell used for the handfasting ritual.</p><p>A portal opened and Lorenzo walked through.</p><p>“Ok, I sent Kitty Cat with Simon to a Mundane vet he knows who should be able to fix her up. He will take her to the loft afterwards,” Lorenzo explained as he came over and looked down at Alec.</p><p>Alec was much calmer now, covered in a magical green/blue aura emanating from Magnus’ hand on his heart. Jace was still pressing on his wound but the bleeding seemed to have stopped and Jace’s hands seemed to have a faint golden glow, like the color his eyes took when he used his powers.</p><p>Magnus looked at Lorenzo and reached out his free hand towards him, frowning in concentration.</p><p>“Lorenzo. I need more energy. His angelic side is fighting the demonic elements of the bond,” Magnus told him.</p><p>Lorenzo walked over and put his hand in Magnus’.</p><p>“If you kill me doing this I will be quite upset with you,” Lorenzo warned him, half-joking and half-serious.</p><p>Magnus smirked a bit as he nodded, “Noted.”</p><p>Lorenzo took a deep breath and spoke the words Magnus was waiting for to start taking his energy and his magic from him, “Take what you need.”</p><p>Magnus nodded and turned back to look at Alec, pulling energy from both Lorenzo and himself and pouring it into Alec. The magical aura around Alec got stronger and the glow around Magnus’ hands increased. The wound under Jace’s hands slowly started to close.</p><p>“Jace! I think we got all of them!” Clary yelled as she ran into the alley. She stopped as she took in the scene, Alec on the ground, the arrow in Jace’s leg.</p><p>“Jace, what is going on?” Clary asked worried as she came over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Clary,” Jace got out, relieved to see her well and unscarred. He was feeling weirdly drained and tired, his hands on the wound starting to glow more and more.</p><p>“Are you ok?” She asked worried, nodding to his leg. “Is Alec ok?” she then added, when she saw up close the blood on Jace’s hands and the magical glow around Alec, around Magnus’ hands on his heart and around Magnus and Lorenzo’s connected hands.</p><p>Jace nodded grimly, looking down at Alec.</p><p>“He will be. I…” Jace started to say before he was cut off, as a wave of energy hit him like a tidal wave, stealing his breath.</p><p>“Ahhh!” Jace got out, the energy wave making it feel like he was drowning, fighting for breath.</p><p>Jace fought to control the weird sensations, squeezing his eyes shut and sealing his lips in a thin line, tensing his body to wait out the onslaught.</p><p>“Jace! Jace!” Clary yelled worried, looking to Magnus and Lorenzo for help but they both had their eyes closed, their bodies looking almost frozen as their hands glowed green/blue.</p><p>“Clary, what is going on?” Izzy asked as she returned to the alley, running to Clary and Jace, having heard Clary scream for Jace.</p><p>“Izzy, something is wrong with Jace,” Clary said panicked as she turned to look at Izzy.</p><p>Izzy knelt down beside Jace, looking first at her brother and noticing relieved that while Jace’s hands were still covered with blood the wound under his hands seemed healed. Alec had his eyes open but his gaze was glassed over and he seemed as if in a trace; much like Magnus and Lorenzo.</p><p>“Damn it,” Izzy swore as she looked at Jace, noticing him tensing, clearly fighting an invisible battle, feeling helpless and lost as she was unable to help either of her brothers in whatever battle they were fighting.</p><p>Andrew came into view in the alley and went over to the group, eyeing Lorenzo worriedly, seeing his trancelike state. His worry increased when he saw Alec on the ground and Jace next to him, his eyes shut, tense and grim, fighting invisible foes. Andrew was pushing the escaped injured Shadowhunter who had attacked Jace and Alec from the rooftop in front of him, his hands bound with metal handcuffs behind his back, the arrow still in his thigh just as Andrew noticed Jace had an arrow in his leg as well. The Shadowhunter was not familiar to any of them, his expression stoic despite having to be in quite some pain. He had bruises on his face and his hands; evidence of a fight. Andrew forced the Shadowhunter to his knees and the man winced a bit at the pain this brought him from his injury.</p><p>“I need someone to help me guard the perimeter. I’ve got this guy but there could be others,” Andrew warned them, nodding to the kneeling Shadowhunter.</p><p>Suddenly Jace seemed to relax and his eyes flew open.</p><p>“Fuck my head,” Jace moaned, blinking a few times to be able to focus.</p><p>Jace felt Alec’s flesh underneath his hands had healed and carefully lifted his hands, seeing the faint golden glow around them fading. With relief, he saw Alec’s wound had fully closed. Alec still looked like he was in a trance, his eyes open but unseeing. Jace looked at Magnus and Lorenzo who were still holding hands, glowing with magic, their eyes closed. While he was still anxious for Alec, he felt no pain from him through their bond any longer and he was now hopeful he would make a full recovery.</p><p>“Jace!” Clary screamed relieved and hugged him, her arms around his neck.</p><p>“Are you ok?” Izzy asked worried but relieved to see him shake off whatever had happened.</p><p>Clary drew back from Jace and Izzy gave him a quick but warm hug, her arms around his neck.</p><p>“Besides a monster headache then yes,” Jace told her with a reassuring smile, a bit amazed by that fact, as the mental assault had been intense; he assumed it was a backlash from whatever Magnus was doing.</p><p>“I love you,” Clary said heartfelt to Jace when Izzy drew away from him again, eyeing her brother anxiously.</p><p>“Love you too,” Jace said warmly and went to stroke her cheek when he saw Alec’s blood on his hand, making his heart ache and he quickly abandoned the movement.</p><p>After a few more minutes which felt like days to Jace, Izzy, Andrew and Clary, Magnus blinked a few times and moved his hand away from Alec’s heart and let go of Lorenzo’s hand, the glow around them all fading and disappearing.</p><p>“There,” Magnus declared satisfied but tired, feeling more drained than he ever had in his life.</p><p>Lorenzo swayed a bit on his feet, more affected by the exhausting spell than Magnus, as he didn’t have royal demonic blood.</p><p>“Damn! I think I will take that steak and vodka now,” Lorenzo said weakly with a wry smile as he managed to regain his footing.</p><p>“Me too,” Magnus agreed, his eyes on Alec, anxiously waiting for him to wake up.</p><p>Being magically depleted was a small sacrifice to see Alec safe. For Alec he had proven he would start a war. For Alec he would do anything; burn the Earth or defy the Heavens themselves.</p><p>Alec’s eyes fluttered and he took a deep breath, feeling like he had just woken up from a deep sleep. He saw Magnus sitting next to him, a smile appearing over the Warlock’s face when he saw him wake up, taking his nearest hand in his and held it between both of his, kissing it tenderly. Alec felt the waves and waves of Jace’s relief and happiness at him waking him and didn’t have to look at his parabatai to know he was smiling widely at him.</p><p>“Magnus?” Alec got out, his voice a bit softer than normal as if he had indeed just woken up.</p><p>“Darling, you’re back,” Magnus said happily, fighting back tears of relief, feeling overwhelmed after almost losing him.</p><p>“Was I gone?” Alec asked confused.</p><p>Alec had barely spoken before Magnus pulled him into a sitting position and hugged him tight, Alec eagerly returning the hug.</p><p>“You almost died!” Magnus exclaimed fearfully, holding him so tight it was almost painful.</p><p>“Don’t scare me like that again,” Magnus demanded heartfelt, tears in his eyes and voice when he finally pulled back to look at him.</p><p>“I shall endeavor not to,” Alec promised warmly, putting a hand on Magnus’ cheek and kissing him tenderly.</p><p>As soon as the kiss ended and they separated Jace threw himself at his parabatai, his arms around his neck.</p><p>“Alec!” Jace said heartfelt, fighting to control his emotions.</p><p>Jace almost sighed loudly in relief and joy when he felt Alec throuh the bond; it had survived whatever Magnus had done. He had been so scared of losing him. He knew now beyond a shadow of a doubt he had no desire to live if Alec wasn’t alive.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec said with a smile, sending him waves of reassurance through the bond, feeling how it started to calm his parabatai down, unaware of Jace's fears of losing not only him but their bond as well.</p><p>Lorenzo had moved over to stand by Andrew in a defensive position though he was doubtful how useful he would be if they were attacked now.</p><p>“Can we go back to the loft now?” Lorenzo asked, fighting to stay on his feet but refusing to sit down and appear weak in any way. “This was a bit too much excitement for my taste. And I really could use that steak and vodka.”</p><p>“Yes. And we should bandage Jace’s wound too,” Magnus commented, nodding towards the arrow still stuck in the blond Shadowhunter.</p><p>“Oh. Right,” Jace agreed, having completely forgotten his injury in his worry for Alec.</p><p>“Can you stand, darling?” Magnus asked as he looked down at Alec.</p><p>“Yes,” Alec got out, a bit surprised at the fact he felt no ill effects of his near death experience at all. “I….I feel fine. Great actually.”</p><p>Alec got to his feet easily, making Magnus and Jace rise too. As soon as he was standing both Jace and Magnus hugged him at the same time, making Alec grin, feeling love from the bond from Jace. Jace pulled back and took Clary’s hand while Magnus kissed Alec softly, as gently as if he was made from precious and delicate glass. Alec stroked Magnus’ cheek and smiled happily up at him when they drew apart.</p><p>“Thanks for saving me. Again,” Alec said lovingly.</p><p>Magnus smiled back and held a hand around his back, not wanting to be separated from him in anyway.</p><p>“I always will,” Magnus swore seriously.</p><p>“Ok, great. Everyone is good. Can we leave before we might get attacked again?” Lorenzo said impatiently. Aware he might not have the power to do it Lorenzo asked, “Magnus, will you make the portal?”</p><p>Magnus nodded and single-handed made a portal, not wanting to let go of Alec. Creating the portal drained him further but it was manageable; he could keep it open and steady.</p><p>Lorenzo and Andrew came closer to the portal, Andrew forcing the prisoner to his feet with one hand, supporting Lorenzo whenever he seemed to sway with the other.</p><p>“We can use this one to get information,” Andrew said to the others, nodding the prisoner. “What happened with you? What were Magnus and you doing?” he asked Lorenzo worried.</p><p>“I will explain later,” Lorenzo promised, giving him a tired but warm smile.</p><p>“All through the portal, <strong>now</strong>,” Magnus ordered, needing them all to get through as it was draining for him to keep the portal open, not to mention they weren’t sure how safe they were.</p><p>Lorenzo, Andrew, the prisoner and Izzy went through. Clary, Jace, Alec and Magnus went through almost at the same time as Magnus could clearly tell from Jace’s expression he could not handle losing Alec from sight at the moment.</p><p>Back at the loft, Andrew tied the prisoner to a chair in an empty room Magnus conjured at the loft after downing a big glass of vodka. Seeing the prisoner was secure, Andrew forced Lorenzo to sit on a sofa in the living room and served him a glass of vodka before he went to prepare a steak so he could recharge. At this point Magnus was on his second vodka and was recovering much quicker than Lorenzo, again due to his stronger magic.</p><p>Simon called to tell them Kitty Cat would be all right and that he would be able to return with her in a few hours, much to everyone’s relief. Raphael, Cat and Meliorn returned to the loft a little later, having checked for other rogue Shadowhunters but not finding anyone else sneaking about.</p><p>Jace had hovered near Alec and Magnus had been reluctant to leave him as well, holding Alec’s hand the whole time to stay connected to him. Both Jace and Magnus still felt shaken by almost losing him.</p><p>Clary tried to get Jace to sit down and get his injury looked at but he was too wired to do so. However, a single ‘sit down, Jace’ from Alec and he sat down. Magnus conjured some Mundane medicine; disinfection liquid, cloths and bandages. Alec knelt beside Jace and pulled out the arrow; Jace not doing much more than wincing from the pain. The arrow had not gone through and Jace’s pure Angel blood meant he healed faster; also the Mundane way, now that the arrow had been removed. Alec then cleaned the wound and bandaged it. The aid was more to get Jace to feel grounded and calm again than anything else as Jace as well as any Shadowhunter could easily have done it himself.</p><p>Magnus had drank two more vodkas while Jace and Alec went to shower and change clothes, Jace still not wanting to let Alec out of his sight after feeling him fade in their bond. Magnus was only able to allow the separation after his fear of almost losing Alec as the handfasting ritual meant he could now, like the spells Lorenzo had used on Andrew, feel and know how Alec was doing at all times.</p><p>When the parabatai pair returned they both looked refreshed. Having finished his drinks and even a steak Andrew had prepared while preparing one for Lorenzo anyway, Magnus felt ready to go integrate their prisoner. Izzy managed to distract Clary by saying she wanted her input on analyzing the attack so Clary would stop wondering what ‘interrogating the prisoner’ would entail.</p><p>“I won’t give you anything,” the Shadowhunter prisoner spat as soon as Alec, Jace and Magnus entered the room, closing the door behind them.</p><p>Magnus had conjured nothing else in the room but the chair the man was tied to and then a small window and the light in the ceiling.</p><p>“I think you will,” Jace said with dark promise in his voice as he went to lean against the wall, taking out a knife from his side holster and fiddling with it, letting his eyes go golden as he activated his runes.</p><p>“Magnus, when we are done here we should send a fire message to Idris and tell them where the dead bodies of his comrades are lying. So they can be properly buried – at the cemetery of the disgraced,” Alec said coldly, his eyes on the captured Shadowhunter and he smirked inwardly when the man couldn’t stop a shiver from the prospect of his friends, of himself, ending up there.</p><p>“Good point, darling. I will do that as soon as we are done with this one. Shouldn’t take long,” Magnus said in a dismissive and superior tone, giving the Shadowhunter a dangerous look letting him see his cat eyes.</p><p>The prisoner recoiled in fear and disgust when he saw Magnus’ Warlock Mark.</p><p>“So, back to business. Why did you set us up?” Alec asked in an almost conversational tone of voice as he walked over to the prisoner, towering over him.</p><p>Alec wasn’t fond of the prospect of torturing this man as he hadn’t hurt him directly but he would do it if it needed to be done.</p><p>“Screw you!” The prisoner spat, looking defiantly at him.</p><p>Jace though, had no such reservations. This Shadowhunter was guilty and had just as much blood on his hands, Alec’s blood, than Peter or John or any of the others. Jace walked over to the prisoner and changed his knife to his left hand. He then used his right hand to hit him hard in the face for his remark, his eyes still golden, enabling him to give the hit so much power the man grunted in pain and spat out blood.</p><p>“I suggest you start answering, traitor,” Jace advised dangerously.</p><p>“Traitor? Ha!” The prisoner mocked, laughing darkly.</p><p>“Traitor was actually a mild term for what you are,” Jace warned him.</p><p>“It’s you and that…abomination you call parabatai who are traitors!” The prisoner hissed angrily.</p><p>He would have said more but Magnus’ eyes shot daggers at him at this remark against Alec and he lifted his right hand and his magic flared. A red magical rope appeared around the prisoner’s neck and Magnus slowly tightened his fist, making the magical rope tighten. The prisoner gasped for air and winced in pain.</p><p>“So…more Circle trash it seems,” Magnus said darkly, his cat eyes shining in his rage.</p><p>The Shadowhunter looked pleadingly towards Jace and Alec as he fought to breathe but they both looked coldly back, not about to stop Magnus in the slightest. Magnus finally released his hold on the man who was by now just shy of passing out.</p><p>“Is that why you and your people did this to Jace and me? Because of me?” Alec said, trying to say it in a strong voice but there was pain and self-hatred in his expression and eyes.</p><p>If not for him would Jace had been spared all this? And the war Magnus had threatened with; everyone who had been affected by this… Alec couldn’t help but feel that surely he could not be worth that.</p><p>Jace gave his parabatai a reassuring look and gave his arm a gentle and encouraging touch as he sensed his turmoil, sending waves of support and affection through the bond.</p><p>“You wanted change. Jace was collateral damage in that regard; too powerful to be left free should he turn against us. You wanted us to mingle with <strong>their</strong> kind, polluting our blood and forgetting our holy war, our divine way of living,” the captured Shadowhunter got out, nodding towards Magnus with disgust and horror at the very idea.</p><p>“And you what? You want back to the good old days of bigotry and hatred? No thanks! I would rather suffer a thousand deaths than not fight against you and your kind with everything I have in me,” Jace said hotly, waving his knife warningly at him.</p><p>“You have pure Angel blood. You should be on our side,” The Shadowhunter protested, looking at him with revolution.</p><p>“You are sorely mistaken if you think I would ever want to be on any other side than Alec’s,” Jace told him plainly, no hesitation in his voice and Alec felt none through their bond which made him smile, his doubts calmed somewhat.</p><p>“Who else is with you on this?” Alec demanded to know.</p><p>The Shadowhunter seemed to have gotten his courage back as he gave him an angry look as he replied strongly, “I won’t tell you.”</p><p>“You will,” Jace promised darkly and hit him in the face again.</p><p>The man’s head swung to the side with the hit but his eyes were just as stubborn as before; a true believer.</p><p>“Want me to take a stab at this?” Magnus asked, his voice almost conversational but his glamour was still down and Alec knew him well enough to know he was barely holding his anger in check.</p><p>“Sure,” Alec agreed and made a gesture towards the Shadowhunter, stepping a bit back to let Magnus get close.</p><p>Magnus looked at the tied prisoner, his gaze intent.</p><p>“I am going to use my magic to make all your nerve endings come alive. It will feel like you are being boiled alive…literally,” Magnus told him, looking into his eyes as he spoke.</p><p>The threat was so much more effective because Magnus spoke almost softly. The man visibly paled, his eyes now fearful where before they had been stubborn and hate-filled.</p><p>“You won’t…” The man protested weakly, looking from Magnus to Jace and Alec but the parabatai pair simply met his eyes unflinching; he would get no sympathy from them. After what they had endured; this was nothing compared to that.</p><p>“If you want me to stop you just say the word and give us all the names you know of who has been involved in this attempt to remove Alexander and Jace to get back to the <em>good old days</em>,” Magnus went on when he saw that Jace and Alec was fine with him continuing.</p><p>Before the Shadowhunter could say anything Magnus made a hand gesture and magic circled around his hand in orange bands. He slowly closed his hand and the man started to scream and scream and continued to scream in pure agony. After a few minutes, the Shadowhunter added a string of ‘no’ or ‘don’t to the screaming.</p><p>Alec had to look away after about ten more minutes of this; not because he had any sympathies for him but simply because it was too much to keep looking at it. He went to stand against the wall, observing the room. Jace moved to stand between the prisoner and Alec, still feeling overprotective after what had happened. His gaze stayed unmoving, unflinching, a part of him enjoying to see someone who had taken part in hurting Alec suffer. Magnus’s expression was somewhere between concentration and a hint of pleasure, his demonic side enjoying the idea of making someone who had hurt the man he loved more than life itself suffer.</p><p>“Stop! Please stop!” The Shadowhunter finally begged.</p><p>He had only lasted about 20 minutes but it must surely have felt like hours or days of pure agony to him. Magnus stopped the torture somewhat reluctantly and the prisoner drew a shaky breath, sweating, his eyes huge and pained, tears of pain on his cheeks.</p><p>“Names. Now!” Alec ordered coldly, his gaze on him dispassionate and dismissive without a hint of compassion, his voice strong.</p><p>The man took a shaky breath and managed to get out, “Okay, okay…”</p><p>The prisoner started to list names – some expected like Aldertree and Raj, some not, some common soldiers, some high-ranking officials. Jace and Alec shared a look of relief and disbelief. They had finally gotten to the truth. This part of the nightmare was finally ending.</p><p>Alec, Jace and Magnus arranged a meeting with Jia, the only high-ranking official in Idris they trusted, to give her the names. Jia promised that within a day they would all be arrested at the same time and within a week she was certain that any additional names would have been revealed and picked up, having faith in the Gard to be just as merciless towards Shadowhunter traitors as rogue Downworlders. Jia promised a quick trial for the traitors, meaning within a few weeks, so that Jace and Alec could be cleared of any and all wrongdoing and everything that had followed from that could be pardoned, including Magnus and his Downworlder allies. However, Magnus was not standing down his army until the Accords had been renegotiated which they would start working on tomorrow.</p><p>After a few hours Simon returned with Kitty Cat who, despite her white bandage, remained loyally close to Alec. Soon a small group of Lorenzo, Andrew, Raphael, Simon, Meliorn, Izzy, Cat, Jace, Clary, Alec and Magnus were gathered in the living room, discussing what had happened and their future strategies. Magnus had conjured champagne and everyone had a glass in their hands, sitting or standing around the sofa arrangement, celebrating their pending victory; finally, after so long… finally they had made it to this moment.</p><p>“Shouldn’t we also toast to your handfasting ritual too then, now that I was your second for it?” Lorenzo asked with an amused wink, after they had toasted to their expected victory and had chatted about different topics for a few minutes.</p><p>Lorenzo was sitting on the sofa, Andrew next to him, still feeling a bit drained from the ritual, looking expectantly at everyone. Magnus stood with one arm around Alec’s waist and Clary sat in a chair by the sofa arrangement, Jace standing beside it and next to Alec.</p><p>“Wow. Congratulations,” Cat said warmly to Magnus, smiling happily for her friend, knowing the handfasting ritual well. It was rarely used as it was forever and could never be broken, but if anyone had found a mortal they wished to tie themselves to for eternity it was Magnus.</p><p>“The what?” Alec asked confused, looking at Magnus. He felt waves of nervousness but also strength from Jace and turned to look at him questioning, “Jace?”</p><p>“It was the only way and I stand by the decision we made,” Jace told him honestly, his voice and eyes certain and strong, making Alec even more confused.</p><p>“We are all expecting a party of epic proportions fitting a demon Prince when this whole mess is wrapped up but till then we should toast,” Lorenzo went on, his smile starting to fade when he noticed everyone expect Jace, Cat and Magnus were looking puzzled at him.</p><p>“Lorenzo,” Magnus sighed good-natured, having not had a moment alone in the hours since the attack to explain to Alec precisely how he had saved him.</p><p>“So….only Jace knows…because we forgot to tell the other non-Warlocks about the handfasting ritual you and I talked about after we got rid of the Mundanes, didn’t we?” Lorenzo realized sheepishly, remembering now he had only spoken with Magnus about it while they had both been dead drunk and then Jace when they had decided to do the ritual on Alec to save him.</p><p>“Yeah,” Magnus confirmed, not really offended because they really should have this talk as soon as possible.</p><p>“That was…yeah. Ignore what I just said; I am magically depleted,” Lorenzo got out, embarrassed, quickly drowning the rest of his champagne while Andrew gave him a confused but sympathetic look and patted his nearest leg.</p><p>“Tell us what?” Alec insisted, unsure what was going on here but his mind briefly went to his talk with Andrew about immortality that they knew their Warlock partners had talked about that night they had been drinking. But why would they need to talk about that now? Magnus had healed him; Magnus had healed him several times before. There wasn’t anything new about that. Was there?</p><p>“Darling, we need to talk,” Magnus admitted, squeezing Alec’s hand reassuringly before he leaned in close and captured his lips in a loving kiss.</p><p>Alec returned the kiss, putting the arm he wasn’t holding his champagne glass with around Magnus’ neck. When they drew apart, Alec was smiling, the smile making Magnus instinctively relax and smile back.</p><p>There was nothing Magnus could tell him that would put Alec off in any way; he felt certain about that. He trusted Magnus with so much more than his life; he trusted him with his heart. Whatever Magnus was about to tell him Alec knew he would be fine with it because there was nothing Magnus could ever do that would ever make him turn from him. Ever!</p><p>
  <em>The end of part 7</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback and kudos would mean the world to me and motivate me to keep writing.<br/>So in other words; if you were entertained but are a bit shy then please still toss a coin to your author and by coin I mean kudos! ;) [Yes, that is a reference to The Witcher....I couldn't help myself]</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Let’s talk about immortality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Malec talk immortality and wedding. The parabatai try to sleep in separate rooms for the first time since their rescue and Jace experiences horrible nightmares from the separation. Clary finally gets some help.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions general PTSD feelings, talk about sex, character becomes immortal (if you know me you have already guessed who). Talk about the torture Alec and Jace endured.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
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<h1>Chapter 8: Let’s talk about immortality</h1><p>Everyone was now looking at Magnus, waiting for him to explain. Lorenzo gave him another apologetic smile as he pulled Andrew closer to his body with an arm around his shoulders. Andrew gave him a reassuring and tender look that made Lorenzo’s features soften instantly. Used to expecting the worst from Shadowhunters Lorenzo anticipated this conversation to go to Hell in a handbasket so he conjured himself a glass of whiskey. Thinking Magnus likely would need one too he snapped his fingers and Magnus’ almost empty champagne glass was a glass of whiskey instead. Magnus gave him a small nod of acknowledgement and took a large sip, clearly worried how Alec would react to the news.</p><p>“Ok, so…what happened out there?” Alec asked Magnus, more curiosity than anything else in his words, trusting Magnus completely.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about this <strong>now</strong>?” Magnus asked, waving a hand to indicate that all their friends were here.</p><p>Alec nodded as he said in a strong voice, “Yes, I do. Otherwise we will just need to explain it again to them later on.”</p><p>“I am too magically depleted and soon too hungover to talk about this twice so I vote with your mate,” Lorenzo said with a nod, starting to feel the effects of the alcohol since he had been drained when he had started to drink. While the drinking helped replenish his magic it also ensured the alcohol affected him a lot more than it normally would.</p><p>“Mate?” Alec asked amused, raising an eyebrow questioning at Magnus.</p><p>“The handfasting ritual is traditionally considered a marriage for Warlocks and the traditional word for the partners in this union is mate,” Cat explained helpfully, conjuring herself a beer as she shared a look with Lorenzo, also convinced the Nephilim would react badly to the news.</p><p>“Wow. Married?” Alec asked Magnus, feeling overwhelmed and awed.</p><p>Alec’s eyes were shining like stars. He had fantasized about marrying Magnus since meeting him. Was he really married to this amazing man? Was this really true? Could it really be happening?</p><p>“Well, yes. It is <em>considered</em> as such,” Magnus said with an unusually hesitant and vulnerable smile. He paused as he added in a pained and regretful tone, “I am so sorry, Alexander. I wanted to do this properly and….”</p><p>Alec shook his head, interrupting him.</p><p>“Magnus. I love you. I always wanted to marry you,” Alec told him lovingly.</p><p>“You…You are not upset?” Magnus asked hopefully, wonder and joy spreading over his face like a wildfire.</p><p>Alec smiled happily as he assured him, “No. Never. I have never before been this happy.”</p><p>Magnus couldn’t stop grinning, not even when Alec put his arms around his neck and kissed him passionately.</p><p>“Married! Yes! We are still having a party. I agree with Lorenzo on that!” Izzy proclaimed with a happy smile.</p><p>As soon as Alec and Magnus drew apart Izzy hugged her brother joyfully.</p><p>Soon everyone hugged Alec in congratulations, except Raphael, Lorenzo and Cat who instead shook hands with him and Magnus, though Magnus didn’t let any of them escape a hug, still grinning widely and beaming like a Christmas tree.</p><p>“So back to this handfasting ritual. What does it mean?” Clary asked curiously, when the hugs and well-wishes were over and Lorenzo and Andrew had sat back down on the sofa after they had said their congratulations.</p><p>Magnus took a deep breath, his smile dying and was instead replaced by a worried frown.</p><p>Finally, he said, “It means that Alec is now immortal.”</p><p>“I’m what?” Alec asked surprised and shocked. First, he was married and now he was immortal?! Wow. What a day!</p><p>“It’s a lot to take in; I know,” Magnus said apologetically.</p><p>“You….I am immortal?” Alec asked slowly to clarify.</p><p>Magnus nodded hesitantly, clearly back to being nervous for his reaction as he confirmed, “Yes.”</p><p>A smile started to spread over Alec’s lips as he asked, “Immortal? Like you?”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I should have asked you. You probably feel betrayed and you should. I…” Magnus said in a rush, uncertain, sure Alec would resent him, hate him, for taking this decision away from him.</p><p>Alec shook his head, smiling joyfully as he put a finger to Magnus’ lips, silencing him.</p><p>“Magnus, I love it! I love you! This is a dream come true!” Alec proclaimed happily as he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him fervently.</p><p>“What?! Truly?” Magnus asked surprised when their lips finally separated for air, his eyes shining in joy.</p><p>Alec grinned at him as he confirmed, “Of course it is.”</p><p>“Oh, Alexander!” Magnus said happily, relieved, as he hugged him close.</p><p>“I love you. Always,” Alec whispered heartfelt against his ear.</p><p>“I love you too, Alexander. Always,” Magnus whispered back, his lips inches from Alec’s skin.</p><p>They stood like that for a long time until they remembered they weren’t alone.</p><p>“I am happy for you, Alec,” Jace said heartfelt but with a hint of sadness.</p><p>Alec’s smile dimmed as he looked at his parabatai.</p><p>“Jace….” Alec said anguished, brokenly, suddenly remembering that if he was immortal it also meant he would be left alone with the broken pieces of the parabatai bond. Eventually Jace would die and he would be alone; his soul no longer shared with Jace. The thought terrified him more than anything ever had.</p><p>“I will be ok. I am happy you get this,” Jace insisted even though pain was in his eyes at the knowledge his parabatai would now be parted from him, go places he could not follow.</p><p>“I….I am not sure I will,” Alec admitted softly, pained. “Our bond will break. I will feel that emptiness.” He paused and took a deep and anguished breath as he added, “For eternity. I will feel that emptiness for eternity!”</p><p>Magnus shook his head as he said in a strong voice, “No, you won’t.”</p><p>Puzzled but hopeful Alec asked, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“That was the other thing we needed to talk about,” Magnus admitted, having spent the last few hours feeling Jace’s aura to confirm what he had suspected might be a likely side effect from performing the handfasting ritual on a Shadowhunter with a parabatai. No one had ever done this before so this was all new ground but he had considered it a possibility.</p><p>“What?” Alec asked a bit guarded, unsure what to expect now after having been told he was both married and immortal.</p><p>Magnus took a deep and calming breath as he revealed, “Jace is immortal too.”</p><p>“What?!” Jace asked surprised and shocked, looking confused at Magnus. “How?” He added in a more controlled voice.</p><p>“Your soul is connected to Alexander so when I bound my immortality to Alexander’s soul it was also bound to you. As Alexander and you are parabatai, each of you have a piece of the other’s soul. A piece of immortality, of piece of forever, of eternity, is still eternity,” Magnus explained slowly, thinking it out in his head as he said it.</p><p>“So that is why his aura is so unusual!” Lorenzo suddenly realized, giving Jace a look up and down.</p><p>“I had wondered about what that was,” Cat admitted, nodding in understanding, also looking at Jace now.</p><p>“Wow,” Jace got out, trying to take it all in. Realizing it meant his bond with Alec would last forever he started to smile ever so slowly.</p><p>“Immortal! Jace, I am so happy to hear that!” Alec exclaimed joyfully as he hugged Jace close, happy and relieved he was not losing his connection to him, <strong>ever</strong>.</p><p>“You seem….ok with this?” Magnus asked cautiously, looking intensely at Jace as he spoke when the parabatai pair separated again.</p><p>“I was afraid of the parabatai bond breaking due to the ritual you had to perform,” Jace admitted with remembered pain in his voice. “Now….now I am more than ok,” he added with a wide smile, flooding the bond with feelings of relief and joy and feeling Alec send those same feelings back to him.</p><p>“Jace is immortal? With Alec?” Clary asked in disbelief.</p><p>She couldn’t quite keep the whine out of her voice but damnit; it wasn’t fair! Another thing they had together that she was excluded from! They were forever and she was not! She wanted something with Jace; something special. Something that was just them! It just wasn’t fair!</p><p>Jace noticed Clary’s distress and was at her side at once.</p><p>“We will find a way so you can become immortal too,” Jace promised her, his voice firm and certain as he put an arm around her waist and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head affectionately. “We have our love….” Jace paused as he added, thinking of his blood making Simon a Daylighter, “…and you have pure Angel blood like me so surely we can use that to our advantage somehow.”</p><p>Jace was unaware he had just contradicted Clary’s thoughts for they already shared something special and unique, just the two of them; the love they had for each other and their pure Angel blood.</p><p>Jace’s words calmed and reassured her. Clary smiled lovingly at Jace and stroked his cheek tenderly as she leaned close and kissed him. When they separated, her eyes had a determined look.</p><p>“Can’t you do this bond again?” Clary asked of Magnus, almost desperate, as she turned to look at him.</p><p>“The bond is like a marriage. I can only use it once,” Magnus told her regretfully.</p><p>“Lorenzo?” Clary asked almost pleadingly.</p><p>Lorenzo shook his head at once.</p><p>“No way!” Lorenzo denied in a firm and dismissive tone.</p><p>Lorenzo pulled Andrew closer to him with the arm he had around his shoulders and smiled fondly at him, happy when Andrew gave him an affectionate look back.</p><p>“I want to use the bond on Andrew,” Lorenzo said lovingly and was relieved when Andrew gave him a joyful look at his statement. He paused as he added with a hint of hesitation, giving Andrew a questioning look, “If he will say yes.”</p><p>Andrew gave Lorenzo an adoring smile as he stroked his cheek tenderly.</p><p>“He will say yes,” Andrew assured him with a fond expression.</p><p>Lorenzo smiled happily and relieved at him and they kissed passionately.</p><p>“But….” Clary said in a sad and lost voice, feeling left out.</p><p>“You could become a Daylighter?” Simon suggested.</p><p>“A Daylighter?” Clary asked surprised.</p><p>“It’s not that bad. It’s mainly the food thing. I even miss eating broccoli. Can you believe that?” Simon told her, trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>“It just…” Clary started in an agonized tone.</p><p>“What, Clary?” Jace asked worried when her voice died away.</p><p>“Well, Alec and you….” She admitted and then paused. She then nodded to Andrew as she said, “And soon Andrew too. You get to become immortal and remain Shadowhunters.”</p><p>“Yes?” Jace prompted, unsure what precisely upset her about that and wanting to fix it. He paused as he added, “It is not like we planned this. It’s just how things worked out.”</p><p>“I know,” She assured him as she nodded because she logically knew that. She just still felt left out. She took a deep breath as she admitted in a pained tone, “It’s just as if everyone else is immortal now.”</p><p>“I’m not,” Izzy reminded her kindly.</p><p>Clary smiled in thanks to her but didn’t feel much calmer because of this fact.</p><p>“But we are now the only ones,” Clary reminded Izzy.</p><p>“So?” Izzy asked, clearly not seeing the issue. “As Jace said then we can just choose to become Daylighters later on if we want immortality.”</p><p>“But….we won’t be Shadowhunters then,” Clary reminded her.</p><p>Izzy nodded at that as she said matter of fact, “I know. We could spend a few years researching this before taking the Daylighter option. It’s no rush after all. I assume Jace and you would like some kids first for example.”</p><p>“Oh. Yes. Right. True,” Clary agreed, having completely forgotten that aspect of being a Daylighter, blushing a bit as she said it.</p><p>“Wait. Can I….Could I ….you know?” Jace tried to ask, blushing, looking intensely at Magnus as he spoke.</p><p>“You are not infertile, Blondie. Don’t worry. That’s only Warlocks,” Magnus assured him with an amused gleam in his eyes.</p><p>“Oh. Thank the Angel,” Jace said relieved.</p><p>“The important part of this is that no one needs to lose anyone. When Izzy and Clary are ready they can become Daylighters if they want to and we haven’t found another more attractive solution before then,” Alec said firmly with a relieved smile, happy that he might be able to keep everyone he loved with him.</p><p>“That does sound…amazing,” Izzy agreed with a wide smile.</p><p>“And you, darling? Are you ok with this?” Magnus asked Alec again, just to be sure.</p><p>“I am more than ok with it,” Alec assured him, turning in his embrace to look at him, smiling happily.</p><p>“And if I tell you the price of your immortality is your access to heaven. Immortal does not mean you might never die in other ways and if that should happen your soul would go to the Hell dimensions just as mine would as your immortality comes from me; comes from demon blood,” Magnus said grimly, worried. He paused briefly before he added, looking at Andrew, “This price would also be what Andrew and you,” Magnus nodded to Jace, “would have to pay.”</p><p>“The only heaven I need is in your love,” Alec assured him in a strong voice, looking lovingly at him.</p><p>Magnus’ heart almost stopped beating. Alec wanted him, wanted this. It was beyond amazing. He should have known better than to think Alec would ever think such a price was too much to pay to be with someone he loved.</p><p>“I love you, Alexander,” Magnus said affectionately.</p><p>“I love you too,” Alec said warmly as he leaned close and they kissed tenderly.</p><p>“I am fine with that too. I love you,” Andrew assured Lorenzo with a warm smile as he leaned in for a kiss, seeing Lorenzo’s worried expression.</p><p>“Te quiero <em>[I love you in Spanish]</em>,” Lorenzo said happily as they kissed.  </p><p>“Jace?” Alec asked when Magnus and him separated again, giving his parabatai a worried look.</p><p>“I am fine with that,” Jace said with a grin, sending his feelings of calm and reassurance though the bond as well so Alec could know, could truly feel, he was fine with it. He was more than fine with it actually as this meant even if they should die then they would still be together; all of them.</p><p>Alec smiled relieved at that before he turned back to look at Magnus, his arms around his neck, smiling joyfully at him, his eyes reflecting his pure joy and contentment at all the amazing news he had been getting.</p><p>“So, married?” Alec said to Magnus in a fond but teasing tone.</p><p>“Yes, darling,” Magnus confirmed warmly.</p><p>“This doesn’t mean I don’t want a wedding,” Alec told him, smiling widely but still serious.</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry about that! I am not giving up a chance for an awesome party when this business with the Clave has been resolved,” Magnus declared strongly, happily.</p><p>“Good,” Alec said with a fond smile as he hugged Magnus close and tight.</p><p>It suddenly occurred to Alec that according to Warlock custom that would mean tonight was their wedding night. Thinking of that made him think of sex and that was still a complicated topic for him at the moment.</p><p>“You look worried just now,” Magnus asked concerned when they pulled apart.</p><p>Alec looked at their friends and took Magnus’ arm, pulling him with him to the side and out of earshot of their friends. Magnus gave him a puzzled look.</p><p>“We haven’t…since,” Alec got out, stammering, blushing furiously, looking anywhere but at Magnus as he spoke.</p><p>“I know,” Magnus said reassuringly, smiling warmly, knowing precisely what he was trying to say.</p><p>“I might never…you know,” Alec warned in a pained voice, unable to really see a way forward with that issue at the moment.</p><p>“We have all the time in the world,” Magnus reassured him. Magnus paused as he added in a understanding  and tender tone , “And even if that were true, which I don’t think it is, but even if you would never feel safe enough to have sex with me again then that would also be ok.”</p><p>Alec gave him a disbelieving look as he said in surprise and shock, “Really? Ok? No sex? Forever?”</p><p>“Alexander, I love you for you,” Magnus told him in a firm but tender tone. “Sex with you is amazing but I don’t love you for that. I love you for you. I am completely fine with taking this one day at the time and if it happens it happens and if not then that is also ok.”</p><p>Alec was dumbstruck for a moment. How had he managed to find such an amazing partner…well, husband now. He could not have asked for a more considerate and wonderful person to share the rest of his life with.</p><p>“I love you so much,” Alec said heartfelt as he put his arms around his neck, finding the words too poor to properly express his feelings.</p><p>“I love you too,” Magnus assured him as he captured his lips in a loving kiss.</p><p>“Forever,” Alec promised when they pulled apart.</p><p>“Forever,” Magnus confirmed with a fond smile before they rejoined their friends.</p><p>It had been a long day and they all prepared for bed after this. As it was in a way their wedding night Alec wanted to try and have Magnus for himself tonight. Not sex; they weren’t there yet but just to hold and snuggle close.</p><p>Jace had thought about the Warlock custom and its implications for a wedding night too and almost at the same time they started to voice this suggestion to the other. The extra bed stayed in Magnus and Alec’s bedroom, just in case, but Jace and Clary went to their own room. Clary was overjoyed by this development. Jace still left their bedroom door a bit open…just in case and Alec did the same.</p><p>Alec had not expected to be able to fall asleep at all without Jace with him in the same room, having not done that for months, not since before their capture. However, being in Magnus’ arms, knowing they had won, knowing Jace was just next door, feeling him in the bond, knowing he would be with both Magnus and Jace forever…. Alec felt calmed and safe; Magnus had been protective before and after what had happened Alec had no doubt that Magnus would never let anything like that ever happen again. Having a Prince of Edom as your love did have certain advantages; there were very few people who could rival the power Magnus had.</p><p>Jace, on the other hand, was a protector and not used to being protected. He had learned to accept it from Alec but was unable to do so with anyone else. While Alec had over time learned to let Magnus take care of him, protect him, Jace couldn’t let Clary do that.</p><p>Jace knew it was illogical but he felt it would be weakness to admit to Clary he felt unsafe in a place he had no reason to feel unsafe in; that he felt…empty and uncertain without Alec close by even though his parabatai was literally just next door and with their bond and being able to hear each other…it was illogical.</p><p>Clary had done her best to be there for Jace but he just couldn’t explain how he felt sleeping with Alec in the room; couldn’t speak about it. Instead he had as always claimed everything was fine. He had eventually managed to fall asleep. However, it hadn’t been an easy sleep. Instead he was haunted by painful memories from his childhood, every bad decision he had ever made…every painful memory he had of all the times he felt he had failed Alec, failed in general….it all returned and tormenting him, pulling at his sanity.</p><p>“Ahhh!” Jace screamed as he awoke with a jerk, sitting upright in bed, his hands instinctively forming fists, his body tense for a fight, his hair plastered to his forehead from sweat.</p><p>Jace blinked a few times before he realized where he was and forced his breathing to slow down.</p><p>“Jace! Jace, it’s ok, I’m here,” Clary said softly, soothingly, sitting up beside him and laying a calming hand on his nearest arm. Worry and concern was clear in her expression and even in her touch.</p><p>“Alec…Where’s Alec?” Jace asked worried, feeling a wave of fear and terror when he couldn’t see him.</p><p>A memory flashed before Jace’s eyes of having waited for Alec to come back from the infirmary on the ship, worried if he was ok, fresh in his mind as if it had happened yesterday, making him feel a raising sense of panic.</p><p>“Just next door. With Magnus. He’s fine,” Clary calmed him but couldn’t keep a hint of hurt out of her voice that he was asking for Alec and not her; again.</p><p>Jace reached out through the bond and felt Alec; his sudden awakening had awoken Alec too. He could sense his worry for him but he otherwise seemed fine. He tried to send some calming feelings towards Alec but was in too much internal turmoil to have much success.</p><p>“I will just go…” Jace began, his voice low and mumbled.</p><p>Jace swung his legs over the side of the bed, unable to explain why he had to go see Alec but he knew he wouldn’t be able to calm down until he saw him with his own eyes.</p><p>“You will do no such thing!” Clary protested hotly, worry and hurt making her voice sharp. “It’s like 3 am; they are asleep.”</p><p>Jace sighed but didn’t look at her as he rose from the bed, standing in his boxers in the darkened room. “Clary, you don’t understand…”</p><p>“No, you don’t understand!” She was yelling now but didn’t care. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down.</p><p>“Why don’t you talk to me?” Her voice was agonized and pained. Why was she never enough? What was she doing wrong?</p><p>Jace had found a t-shirt and quickly pulled it over his head.</p><p>He turned to look at her as he asked with a hint of puzzlement, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“What were you dreaming about?” Her voice was kind, almost pleading with him to speak, to let her in, to just give her the tiniest hint of an answer.</p><p>Jace shook his head, meeting her gaze straight on but his eyes and expression was carefully neutral.</p><p>“Nothing,” Jace insisted calmly, unable to go into it at the moment. If he started talking now he was unsure what would happen. He was afraid he might break down. He couldn’t do it; not now. The pain was too fresh in his mind, the wound was too raw right now. Maybe later, maybe in the morning. Not now.</p><p>“Nothing makes you wake up screaming?” Clary asked sarcastically, pain in her eyes at his lie.</p><p>Jace ran a hand through his hair and he had a rare vulnerable look on his face as he got out, “Look…I…I can’t talk about it, ok?”</p><p>“No, not ok!” She insisted, her pain making her voice come out crueler than she had intended. She paused before she added in a small voice, almost begging, “You have to start letting me in.”</p><p>Jace took a deep breath but his features hardened as did his voice when he spoke again, “Clary, I love you but don’t push me on this, ok?”</p><p>“Why do you keep saying ‘ok’? Why do you both keeping doing that? It’s fucking annoying! And no; it’s so <strong>not</strong> okay!” Clary yelled angrily, pain and worry in her voice.</p><p>She was so goddamn tired of all this bullshit. She just wanted her life back, their life back. She wanted things to go back to being normal; how they had been, damn it!</p><p>“By the Angel, Clary!” Jace hissed, his eyes briefly flashing golden in anger as he felt a wave of worry and rising panic from Alec; it wasn’t as bad as when they had first been rescued but even now sudden loud voices or sounds could be a trigger for him, making him go into a panic attack.</p><p>“Keep your voice down. You are making Alec anxious,” Jace hissed at her.</p><p>Here she was in pain and Jace was only thinking about Alec! She lost it.</p><p>“Oh, we can’t have precious Alec being anxious, now can we?” she mocked and as soon as she had said it she regretted it.</p><p>Damn! She hadn’t meant to say that. She didn’t mean it. She was just so hurt and frustrated and in so much pain. She hadn’t meant it. She wanted to say that but didn’t get a word out.</p><p>Jace’s expression closed down completely and he gave her a cold look.</p><p>“I will go sleep in Magnus and Alec’s room the rest of the night,” he said and his voice was carefully neutral, controlled, as he went to the door of the bedroom.</p><p>“No, wait…” She pleaded.</p><p>“No,” Jace cut her off harshly. “That’s enough,” Jace added, his voice firm and cold.</p><p>He left the room, closing the door behind him before she had time to react.</p><p>“Fuck!” Clary swore as Jace went next door.</p><p>Clary didn’t get much sleep the rest of the night, alternating between self-hatred, crying and frustration at the whole situation. She had so looked forward to finally sleeping alone with Jace and now it was all fucked up.</p><p>Clary vowed to start finding some of those Mundane groups that had been suggested to her. She had just…she had thought she could deal with it herself, as if admitting she couldn’t was a weakness. She still felt like this was something she should be able to deal with; after all she hadn’t been captured. She had been fine the whole time. At least physically. The places Magnus and her had went to mentally, during the capture of their lovers had been dark. Magnus had embraced his inner demon in an effort to bring Alec back. Clary had started to despair and had only managed to not slip completely into depression thanks to Izzy and her strong insistence they would get them back simply because Izzy refused to believe anything else.</p><p>When Clary got up very early the next morning she was surprised to find Magnus in the kitchen; he was normally a late riser.</p><p>“Good morning, biscuit,” Magnus greeted her with a fond but slightly smile, clearly noticing the bags under her eyes and her tired and drained expression.</p><p>“Good morning,” she responded, the words and the smile automatic and never reaching her eyes. She looked around and noticed they were alone, save a few of Magnus’s cats lying on different furniture. “Where’s Jace and Alec?”</p><p>“They were both agitated last night so I magic’d the sheets and covers back on the extra bed next to ours and Jace slept there. They are still asleep,” Magnus explained, his voice calming and reassuring.</p><p>Clary was suddenly envious that he could say that, talk about that so easily, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to have your lover’s brother standing in your bedroom at 3am and needing to sleep near him. She might have pure angel blood but she was certain Magnus had the patience of a saint and the understanding of a kindergarten teacher.</p><p>“Won’t they wake up, you know with us talking?” Clary asked, wanting to know if she could ask Magnus something more personal, or frankly something about Jace and Alec, without being overheard.</p><p>Magnus shook his head.</p><p>“I have put up wards; they can’t hear us but we can hear them,” he assured her before he added, “They both needed some proper sleep.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Seeing her pained and tired expression, he made a hand gesture towards a chair by the kitchen island and ordered in a gentle voice, “Sit, biscuit.”</p><p>Magnus snapped his fingers and suddenly had a mug of coffee from the local café in his hands. He offered it to her as he asked, “Coffee?”</p><p>“Please,” she said, needing it to stay awake, as she sat down on the indicated chair.</p><p>Magnus handed her the coffee before sitting down next to her with his own coffee.</p><p>“How do you do it, Magnus?” Clary asked softly, looking down into the coffee.</p><p>“Do what?” Magnus asked but as she lifted her eyes and looked at him what he saw in there told him everything he needed to know.</p><p>“It’s still difficult for you, with Jace,” Magnus said matter of fact and it wasn’t really a question but Clary still nodded.</p><p>“He’s not letting me in. Not really. Not about the important things,” she admitted, pained. “Is Alec? I mean…has he spoken with you about…” she made a vague gesture.</p><p>She didn’t quite know why she really wanted Magnus to say no. Somehow, it just felt like defeat if Alec had spoken with Magnus about his captivity in detail but Jace had only skated over the issue; told her facts but no details; no emotions.</p><p>“We have spoken about most of what happened to him, yes. Not all of it in details though,” Magnus told her, clearly a little surprised by the question, having thought or maybe more hoped that they had closed this issue.</p><p>She was confused by how easy he could say that there were still things Alec hadn’t explained She thought almost daily about her lack of detailed communication with Jace regarding his captivity but Magnus just seemed to get it, to accept it, to understand it.</p><p>Clary released the breath she didn’t know she was holding as she got out in a defeated tone, “Ok.”</p><p>“But I have been in my share of wars; I have a pretty good idea so I am more than able to fill in the blanks,” Magnus went on, his eyes clouded with shared pain for what Alec had had to endure.</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>Magnus gave her a searching look.</p><p>“Clarissa, we have talked about this before. What do you think happened?” Magnus asked pointingly.</p><p>She shrugged and looked down at her coffee, feeling her cheeks heat.</p><p>“Bad thngs but I don’t know the details,” she mumbled.</p><p>“I think you do,” Magnus insisted.</p><p>Clary looked back at him. Yes…she did know. Or at least she had nightmares about what she thought she knew. It was just…if Jace would just deny her worst fears…that was really all she wanted.</p><p>“Well...I saw the scars on Alec’s arms and how weak he looked when we rescued them so…”</p><p>“So what?” Magnus pressured when her voice died out.</p><p>She looked at him, her voice pained. “What do you want me to say?”</p><p>“I want you to say what happened to Alexander. What happened to Jace,” he insisted, his voice strong despite the pain in his eyes.</p><p>She couldn’t meet his eyes as she continued and her voice was low and agonized, “Well...clearly they hurt Alec a lot. The wounds I could see on his arms…he probably has more…and worse.”</p><p>Magnus took a deep breath.</p><p>“Clarissa, they did more than just hurt him. They tortured him,” he said flatly, his glamour fading for just a second as he spoke about Alec’s ordeal. “They tortured Jace too; not as bad physically but not all torture is physical. Sometimes the psychological torture is so much worse.”</p><p>She shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she stammered, “I...I...”</p><p>Magnus’ expression and tone softened as he asked her, “If you can’t say it how do you expect Jace to talk to you about it?”</p><p>Clary gave him a puzzled look filled with pain.</p><p>“How can you talk about it so calmly? Alec having been...Jace having…” She stopped. She still couldn’t say it; she had been raised as a Mundane. People just didn’t get tortured; it wasn’t supposed to happen. Not here at least. Not to people she knew! Not like that!</p><p>Magnus’ cat eyes appeared briefly before he assured her in a deadly and pained tone, “Oh, I am not calm at all, biscuit. But hiding from the truth isn't going to help anyone.”</p><p>She nodded, before she asked what she really wanted to know. “And Jace?”</p><p>“What about him?”</p><p>“What do you think they...I mean...he looked alright when we got to him. How bad do you think…you know,” she said lamely, fiddling with her coffee cup.</p><p>She wanted him to be alright, she wanted Magnus to agree he had been alright. He had to have been, right? She knew he hadn’t been. She logically knew. They had talked about this before. She just couldn’t….couldn’t deal with that right now.</p><p>Magnus put a comforting hand on her arm and his voice was tender when he spoke, “Clarissa...can you imagine a situation wherein Alexander is tortured and Jace is just...alright?”</p><p>She thought about it and really couldn’t come up with such a scenario though she really wanted to. She looked down into her coffee for a moment, hanging her head in defeat.</p><p>“I guess not,” she mumbled, her voice sounding young and tired. “Why would they do that?”</p><p>She hadn’t really meant it as a question for Magnus but more a general lack of understanding for people acting like that but Magnus replied anyway.</p><p>“Experimentation...to get Jace to do something for them; using one against the other. That's what my...contacts told me,” Magnus explained, not wanting to go into the torturous, literally, details on those so-called ‘contacts’.</p><p>“I just wish he would talk to me about it. Like really talk,” she said softly, her protest sounding lame even to her own ears.</p><p>“He might…one day. Maybe never. You are going to have to be alright with that,” Magnus warned her.</p><p>She gave him a searching look. “Are you? I mean if Alec never explains to you what happened? Explains all the details I mean?”</p><p>Magnus nodded, his gaze certain and sure as he told her, “Yes. I know enough. If he feels like talking to me in more detail I am here for him and if he doesn’t…that’s alright too.”</p><p>“So it still doesn’t bother you? The…connection between them?” She blushed as she said it, feeling embarrassed about her own jealousy and inability to fully understand what was going on but she had never experienced a bond like what Alec and Jace had. She had no frame of reference.</p><p>“I can’t say it wasn’t difficult in the beginning, the parabatai bond is unique to Shadowhunters and Alexander is the first Shadowhunter I have ever been with,” Magnus explained, taking a sip of his coffee with a reflective look on his face.</p><p>“But there are many different types of relationships and I am the last person to judge that. Jace holds a part of Alexander’s soul; he has always needed him and always will. The parabatai bond is stronger than blood and binds two Shadowhunters together for life. I came to terms with that long before all this happened,” Magnus concluded in a calm and understanding tone.</p><p>“And you are ok with that? With knowing he needs something only Jace can give him?” She asked and felt like she was being a brat for asking that but it was just so difficult when Jace didn’t let her in. Knowing that not only didn’t he let her in, but he literally shared his soul with another person, now for eternity, was difficult to say the least.</p><p>“Biscuit, I am hundreds of years old,” Magnus reminded her gently before he nodded and confirmed, “Yes, I am ok with that.”</p><p>“Even this…difficulty they are having now with being separated?” She winced as she said it, embarrassed at bringing it up but needing to talk about it since her first night alone with Jace hadn’t turned out the way she wanted.</p><p>She blushed an even further shade of pink when she remembered that while she could be frustrated her first night alone with Jace had been interrupted this had been Magnus and Alec’s wedding night of sorts.   </p><p>“They have had only each other for months; it will take time for them to feel safe again. Luckily, I’m immortal; we now both are. We have all the time in the world and Alexander is worth the wait. I would wait for him to feel ready to move forward as long as I have to,” Magnus said honestly, the love he held for Alec clear in his words and his expression.</p><p>“Alec just seems…I don’t know. He seems like he trusts you more. I have seen him reach for you when he’s scared or panicked or something. When they were first rescued it was Jace of course, but very quickly it was you as well. He trusts you to keep him safe,” Clary said, feeling a hint of jealousy at that. Jace hadn’t done that with her. Maybe he never would.</p><p>“I would hope so,” Magnus said with a tender smile.</p><p>“Why doesn’t Jace trust me to do the same?” She asked pained.</p><p>“I think Jace feels like he should be protecting you and maybe he doesn’t want to…burden you with this,” Magnus replied, trying to suggest a possible reason. </p><p>“Burden me?” She asked in disbelief.</p><p>Magnus nodded before he went on, “You were until recently a Mundane. Shadowhunters have been taught to be soldiers from birth and I, myself, have taken part in multiple wars. We have that darkness in our souls. You don’t.”</p><p>“I am not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment,” Clary complained but her voice was light, making it clear she hadn’t taken any offence.</p><p>Magnus gave her a small smile.</p><p>“So, what do I do?” Clary asked almost desperately.</p><p>“Give him space and accept he might never be able to let you in. What Alexander and Jace went though… it is ultimately something only the two of them can truly understand,” Magnus advised her in a pained tone for what Alec had suffered but with understanding clearly written on his face.</p><p>She nodded as she sighed defeated.</p><p>“Alright,” She said as she took a sip of her coffee. Suddenly it tasted more bitter than she liked it.</p><p>“And, biscuit, Alexander and Jace have had good use of Mundane books and I understand that both Catarina and Simon have suggested Mundane help groups to you. Try them. You need someone to talk to,” Magnus said kindly in an encouraging tone of voice.</p><p>“I know,” she admitted after a short pause. “It’s just…I feel like I shouldn’t. I mean it wasn’t me who was taken.”</p><p>“You have every right to be angry and frustrated; something was taken from you too. The idea, the dream you had of how life would unfold for Jace and yourself. Now, you are both back together, but the pieces no longer fit the way you want them to. It’s frustrating and painful and that’s alright. It’s just important that you don’t take that anger and frustration out on him,” Magnus said insightfully, his words slow and thoughtful, clearly speaking from personal experience.</p><p>“But you don’t seem to need such an outlet?” Clary commented, suddenly remembering that she wasn’t the only one who had lost something. Magnus had surely also had dreams of how his life with Alec would unfold which had now been disrupted and broken.</p><p>“I still get to marry Alexander and make him immortal so my dreams have come true. And for the rest…drinking with Lorenzo has so far been a good distraction,” Magnus said honestly with a hint of warmth and humor, not willing to go into the details of their missing sex life or limited personal space.</p><p>Magnus was truly happy with Alec and those issues were to him small and his frustrations were easily forgotten after a night of drinking. That outlet, the drinking and the talking with someone else about nothing and everything, would be more than enough to give him the strength to carry on and be the husband Alexander deserved, offer him the support and love he needed and to be the leader of the Downworld his people needed him to be.</p><p>They stopped their conversation when they heard the bedroom door open and footsteps echoed through the living room.</p><p>“Good morning, you two,” Jace said when he entered the kitchen, hair still wet from his morning shower.</p><p>Alec came into view behind him, his hair also damp. Jace’s gaze was shifting between Magnus and Clary, a hint of vulnerability in his eyes when he looked at her before his mask of indifference was back. Alec smiled warmly at Magnus and gave Jace’s arm a reassuring squeeze before they both went to the kitchen island.</p><p>“Good morning, my darling,” Magnus said to Alec, his whole posture, voice and expression softening and filling with love, making Alec’s eyes shine brightly with warmth and affection. Magnus gave him a tender kiss when he was close enough.</p><p>“Coffee?” Magnus asked, looking at both men.</p><p>“Please,” Alec said with a warm smile.</p><p>“Yes, thanks,” Jace replied.</p><p>Jace had now reached Clary who hesitated for only a moment before throwing herself into his embrace. He held her close, drawing a deep breath of relief.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I love you,” she mumbled into his ear.</p><p>“I love you too,” he said back, softly, before giving her a kiss.</p><p>When they separated, Clary could see this was as much debate on what had happened last night that Jace was willing to have. She had apologized, it was over, moving on. She again felt that familiar flare of anger and fought it down. She would investigate those Mundane groups later. This time she would do it.</p><p>In the afternoon, Alec came over to Clary, finding her sitting on the sofa, talking with Simon and Jace. He gave her a strong look she couldn’t quite decipher.</p><p>“Clary, a word….in private, please?” Alec asked her.</p><p>Not waiting for her response Alec went to one of the guest bedrooms, expecting her to follow. She did, with an eye roll and a loud sigh, feeling he was putting her on the spot in front of Simon and Jace.</p><p>When they had entered the room and she had closed the door, turning to face him, Alec crossed his arms over his chest and gave her a searching look.</p><p>“What is it?” She asked pointedly.     </p><p>“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Alec said and she raised an eyebrow at him. “You have been biting at people since Jace and I got back and what’s worse; your behavior is upsetting Jace.” Alec’s tone softened a little as he added with a hint of worry and concern, “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Nothing,” she denied quickly and her cheeks colored in embarrassment at being caught out like this.</p><p>Alec narrowed his eyes at her and shook his head as he said, “That might have worked when we first met but not now.”</p><p>Clary felt even guiltier at her own feelings and actions when Alec’s movement of crossing his arms over his chest had revealed some of the nasty scars on his arms and the fact that his arms were still far too thin.</p><p>“It really is nothing,” she repeated, softer this time, feeling like an idiot.</p><p>“Can you stop with that?” Alec asked with annoyance in his voice.</p><p>His tone made Clary’s temper flare and she lost it; finally having had enough after holding back for so long.</p><p>“You know what? Fine! I am tired of this!” She was yelling but she didn’t care.</p><p>“Tired of what?” He asked puzzled.</p><p>His lack of comprehension annoyed her even more.</p><p>“This! Everything!” Her voice was raising but she didn’t seem to notice. “It has been forever! I am tired of sleeping in your  bedroom! Even last night, at your supposed Warlock wedding night…I was so happy we would finally be moving on, moving ahead. And then we were back to square one. I am just so tired of never being enough!”</p><p>She took a deep breath, pain in her voice and eyes. Her voice was soft and wounded when she continued, “I just want…”</p><p>“You just want things to go back to how they were,” Alec finished for her and she nodded fanatically.</p><p>“Yes!”</p><p>His eyes and expression hardened but his voice wasn’t entirely unkind as he said, “Well…they can’t.”</p><p>“What?!” She asked shocked, almost taking a literal step back from him in surprise at his words. This was not the pep talk she had imagined it would be.</p><p>When Alec continued his voice was soft, his eyes filled with pain, “They can never be the same because Jace and I…we are no longer the same people.”</p><p>“Are you saying…are you saying it will always be like this?” She asked in a broken voice.</p><p>Could she really deal with this? She wanted to say she could but could she? Truly?</p><p>“No…I don’t know. I hope not,” Alec admitted as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration and took a calming breath, trying to come up with a good suggestion.</p><p>Unsure what else to suggest Alec said, “Why don’t you try and talk with Magnus some more?”</p><p>“Why?” She asked, confused.</p><p>“Well, I am not always easy to deal with at the moment either,” he said and gave a wry smile.</p><p>“It’s not easy,” she admitted with a pained air.</p><p>It was a relief to say that, to admit to that. She felt wrong saying it; after all she hadn’t been hurt, she hadn’t been tortured. But she couldn’t deny it was true. This was so difficult to live like this; she didn’t know how to respond to Jace, what to do. She never seemed to quite reach him, he kept shutting her out and when he was truly in need of talking, connecting, whenever he was truly in pain…he went to talk to Alec. Or Izzy come to think of it. But never her. Never her!</p><p>Alec nodded, sighing in shared pain at the whole situation as he suggested again, “I know…talk to Magnus, okay?”</p><p>She nodded, unsure what else to do or say as she got out, “Okay.”</p><p>Her voice was small now, a bit shy. She felt almost exhausted after her emotional outburst.</p><p>“And…” Alec started to say but then stopped.</p><p>A thought came to him; he was reminded of the Mundane drug addict groups which had helped his sister get over her addiction problems and the Mundane books which had helped Jace and him so much.</p><p>“Maybe consider joining one of those Mundane help groups that Cat also suggested Jace and me. They have Mundane soldiers; there must be something for spouses of Mundane soldiers too as I understand it,” Alec suggested.</p><p>“Why? Nothing happened to me,” she said and her voice was stronger now but there was more embarrassment than real denial in it.</p><p>Alec again saw the pain behind her words and shook his head.</p><p>“Yes, something did happen to you. You lost the man you loved and the man you got back…he isn’t the same man who you lost,” Alec reminded her softly.</p><p>She blushed and momentarily looked away. His insightfulness was almost unnerving.</p><p>“I...I don’t want to feel like this,” she admitted so quietly he almost couldn’t hear her.</p><p>“It’s ok just….just get some help with this, okay?” He shut his eyes for a moment, reminded of the fact that many nights he barely slept.</p><p>“I can’t handle…” He stopped himself; his bond with Jace, now open and easier to read than ever meant that sometimes he confused their feelings.</p><p>Alec continued after a moment’s thought, “Jace wouldn’t be able to handle if he had to worry about you too.”</p><p>Alec felt a bit hypocritical; knowing full well that Jace was still worried about him, even though they were safe. Safe…weird how even now neither of them felt truly safe unless they were inside the loft, inside Magnus’ wards. Otherwise they would leave together and armed to the teeth. Maybe one day they would feel safe outside again. He hoped so.</p><p>She nodded, understanding what he meant.</p><p>“I will,” she promised.</p><p>Before he could react she went to embrace him and the sudden movement, the sudden touch, had him freeze for a moment but then he remembered who it was, where he was, and he was able to relax and enjoy it.</p><p>Clary mumbled close to his ear, “I’m so sorry for how I acted.”</p><p>He gave her a small reassuring squeeze back before pulling away.</p><p>“It’s OK,” Alec reassured her.</p><p>She turned to leave, smiling reassuring at him.</p><p>She had her hand on the door handle when he said, “By the way…maybe ask Izzy if she wants to join you in speaking with Magnus and those groups.”</p><p>Izzy had been kind and understanding towards Jace and Alec, never pushing, never insisting on anything. Alec knew she and Jace had bonded a lot. But she was crazily overprotective and Alec figured having someone to talk to wouldn’t hurt.</p><p>Clary nodded again.</p><p>“I will,” she promised. She paused before she added, “Oh, Jace mentioned those Mundane groups for soldiers. Is it helping you?”</p><p>Alec was silent for a moment before he said honestly, “I think they will. This will help you too.”</p><p>She was thoughtful for a moment, considering it carefully before she agreed, “Okay.”</p><p>Just as she was about to leave Alec’s voice stopped her.</p><p>“Oh, and Clary?”</p><p>She turned to look at him questioning as she asked, “Yes?”</p><p>“Do it today. If Jace and I can accept we need help, after how we were raised, how we grew up…so can you,” Alec insisted strongly.</p><p>“Why today?” She asked puzzled even though she had thought the same thing.</p><p>“Because your behavior is hurting Jace and that is unacceptable,” Alec said in a strong and unwavering voice.</p><p>Clary blushed and looked sad at his words.</p><p>Alec paused as he gave her a warning look before he added firmly, “Today, Clary. I mean it!”</p><p>Clary could tell he meant it; his gaze was strong and cold. She sank, knowing deep down he was right; she had been dragging her feet.</p><p>“Ok, ok. Today, I promise,” Clary confirmed as she left the room.</p><p>Later that day Clary sat down in front of the computer and did in fact join one of those groups; having her first physical meeting with them the day after.</p><p>It was odd that something that had seemed so hard to do, so hard to accept…now that she had done it, finally…it felt liberating and freeing. She was smiling the rest of the day, making Jace smile too. Alec caught her smile and nodded approvingly. She had finally taken the first steps towards healing. Little by little, she was getting there.</p><p>Little by little, they were all getting there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kudos and feedback would mean so much to me.<br/>If you are a spouse to a partner struggling with PTSD or you yourself are a returned soldier please remember you are not alone. Even if your own country might not offer official help then consider googling and finding online communities and NGOs. You did a service to your country; let someone take care of you now for a change. Also if you were the spouse: You have carried the home and the family left behind. You need help too. You are entitled to help too. Remember that. <br/>If you need help finding a support group or an NGO I will gladly try and google around for you if you leave me a comment (remember to say where you are located in the world if you want a physical support group or similar requirements).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Back To Work</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Magnus, Jace and Alec take revenge upon the people responsible for their kidnapping before Jace and Alec return to work.<br/>The parabatai brothers deal with racist and homophobic Nephilim while battling flashbacks and other issues. Jace and Alec both make big decisions towards healing when Jace finds a way he might be able to open up to Clary, while Alec gets the push he needs to seek professional help dealing with his tendency to use self-harm as a coping mechanism.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions general PTSD feelings, flashbacks, self-harm mentioned, racism and homophobia mentioned, including one homophobic insult used. Mentions Circle members and bad guys in general getting tortured and killed, including Idris burning their prisoners.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
</p>
<h1>Chapter 9: Back To Work</h1><p>Within two weeks, Jia had concluded all the cases against the Nephilim who the captured Shadowhunter had pointed to. Her investigation had found a few more who had also been tried and found guilty.</p><p>Magnus had requested that the Downworld punished the ring leaders. Jia had reluctantly agreed after it had become clear that more than half of the Clave had been involved in the conspiracy. The remaining conspirators had been burned to death in Idris for their crimes. </p><p>Magnus had personally made sure Aldertree understood that harming his adoptive son, Raphael, and <strong>then</strong> going after Alexander was an unforgivable crime. Death by burning would have been too mild a punishment; Magnus kept him alive for five days and Jace and Alec also had a little chat with him after they discovered he had been one of the key people involved in organizing their torment.</p><p>General Malachi had been another ring leader; this one Jace and Alec had taken personal pride in taking revenge upon; he quickly confessed to being a proud Circle member with the racist slurs to match. They did lose their temper with him at one point so he lasted only about 12 hours but it had been 12 very satisfying hours for the parabatai pair.</p><p>Another ring leader they had taken care of personally was Raj. He had managed to piss everyone off so he didn’t actually last more than a few hours when Izzy, Magnus, Jace and Alec as well as several Downworlders he had overseen being tortured got their revenge. </p><p>In total, the Downworld had overseen justice for 15 ring leaders. A month after the trials and two weeks after the last guilty party had been put to death Jia had officially pardoned Jace, Alec, Izzy, Clary, Andrew and all other Nephilim who had sided with them. Furthermore, she had, as the new leader of the Clave, cleared all Downworlders who had been involved of any wrongdoing. Finally, Jia had agreed that the Accords needed to be rewritten and so did the rules governing Idris. A Shadow World Council was formed to help clear the way for a more fair and just Shadow World.</p><p>However, that justice had been served didn’t mean everything was suddenly perfect. Bigotry and racism against Downworlders were still prevalent among Nephilim and homophobia was widespread as well. Alec had been appointed as the Nephilim representative to the Shadow World Council; an honor on paper but in private Jia had admitted very few others – save the ones who had stood by Jace and him when they had been kidnapped – wanted the task. No one else believed in this new world of peace and unity like Alec did.</p><p>Alec had gotten his position as leader of the New York Institute back and while everyone officially had been required to acknowledge this and applauded his return, Alec knew he was as unwelcome as ever. Changing a culture, changing people’s mindset, would take time. First, he would help change the laws in Idris and help Magnus in changing the Accords. Then he would work on the small every day issues. Here, he had help from his friends and family. Well, his siblings that was. Maryse and Robert had not been a part of the plot against Alec and Jace but had done nothing to stop it either. They had, like most others, stayed a part of the silent majority, not being vocal for either side. It was a good decision strategically; they had kept their position and power after everything had unraveled. However, to the Lightwood siblings this choice had made it clear that family mattered a lot less to them than power and influence. Not surprising to any of them considering how they had acted when Alec had come out and when everyone had thought Jace was Valentine’s son. Consequently, neither Izzy, Jace nor Alec spoke with either of them. Maybe that would one day change. Just not yet.   </p><p>Alec had been back as Head of the Institute for a few weeks now. The opposition he faced was mostly hidden; people opposing his ideas and giving every reason known to man for their protests. Except the real reasons– their bigotry and homophobia. And thus Alec had to respond to their concerns as if none of them knew what this was really about. There were a lot of whispers and stares whenever Alec entered a room, but Jace and Izzy quickly stopped anything more than that, despite Alec’s protests he was more than capable of dealing with bullying himself.</p><p>The people at the Institute who were not opposing him and who hadn’t left the Institute to join Magnus were in majority. Around 80% or so. They mostly just seemed to be caught between shock, horror and curiosity whenever they saw Alec’s scars when he trained or he wore a short sleeve shirt. He had forced himself not to cover up any more; this was who he was now. He was slowly regaining muscle mass and strength but the scars remained.</p><p>Alec had shortly after being back as Head of the Institute proclaimed Jace as his second in command. After what they had been through Jace and Alec shared a stronger bond than ever. They trusted each other explicitly and worked together in all things as true parabatai; two halves of a soul.</p><p>They didn’t often go on demon hunts any longer but had gone on a few to keep up their skills. Jace always came alive on a hunt; demon hunting was in his blood and he loved the opportunity to think about something simple and straightforward. As Alec didn’t like the idea of Jace going on a hunt alone considering he had been kidnapped right outside the Institute, Alec always went with Jace if he was going on a hunt and vice versa. Andrew, now Head of Security, went with them on all their hunts as it was his job to ensure the security of the Institute’s top people. Lorenzo would tag along, not trusting his boyfriend’s safety to Shadowhunters, afraid there could be more rogue elements hiding in their midst. Then Magnus went along to protect Alec and Izzy didn’t want any of her brothers to leave her sight if there was any chance they could get hurt so she would come to. Even Simon joined in; wanting to protect his friends. It had reached a point where Alec sarcastically had asked if Raphael and Luke wanted to join their hunts too now that they were at it; he had been ignored.</p><p>This of course meant that their hunts were always brief and successful; having two powerful Warlocks along on hunting trips helped a lot. Their time spent in captivity seemed to have only increased the efficiency with which Jace and Alec fought together; they were more in sync than ever before and moved almost as if they could read each other’s minds. Captivity had meant they had become used to an open bond and could quickly react to the smallest change in the other’s feelings.  </p><p>Jace and Clary slept all nights in their own room now. At first, it would quite often happen that either Jace or Alec instigated that Jace come to the guest bed in Magnus and Alec’s room. However, as the weeks passed it happened less and less as they both got used to being close but still apart. Jace still found it difficult to talk with Clary about his feelings regarding their almost six months of captivity. Having their own room and attending therapy had helped Clary feel a bit better with everything going on but she still wanted Jace to talk to her and he wanted to. He just didn’t know how.</p><p>Knowing that so many Nephilim had been involved in their captivity had made Jace suspicious and on edge when they had returned to work. He was overprotective and quick to anger in his attempts to protect Alec; by now it had become difficult for him to find any Shadowhunters who wanted to spar with him as Jace didn’t hold back and that meant no one could beat him.</p><p>Jace and Alec had agreed to meet at Hunter’s Moon today; just to chat and connect, something which was important to them after what had happened. They had gone to the bar together and Alec had seen a Shadowhunter who wanted to talk to him. Jace decided to go get them drinks while Alec concluded his work conversation. He had reached the bar and saw three Shadowhunters standing nearby whom he didn’t know well but they were from the Institute.</p><p>“….can’t believe they let him run the Institute….And that hell creature who walks around with him! A disgrace!” Jace heard one of the Shadowhunters say to the other two in a low voice.</p><p>Jace formed fists but forced himself to ignore it. He had promised Alec and Clary to work on controlling his temper. He was calm. It was fine. People often underestimated Alec and didn’t trust Kitty Cat; she was a Hell creature after all. Alec said they needed to educate and teach the Nephilim who had prejudices and preconceptions. Educate and teach. Not hit them. Ok, he got it. He could do that.</p><p>“….Not in any shape….have you seen the scars? He’s too weak to….” Jace heard one of the other Shadowhunters say.</p><p>Jace took a deep breath. He had made a promise. No fighting. He was good.</p><p>“…And how protective they all get around him! It’s ridiculous! He’s definitely doing several of them! I mean the Warlock and likely the parabatai…hell, probably that wimp Andrew and the vampire kid who always hangs around here. You know how their kind are!” Jace heard another of them say.</p><p><em>Ok, that was it! No one talked about Alec like that!</em> Jace saw red and took a swing at the nearest of them. Before anyone had time to react, the guy Jace had hit was on the floor. Within seconds a fight had broken out.   </p><p>When Alec came close to the group of Shadowhunters, Kitty Cat walking faithfully beside him, he could see Jace’s eyes were alight with a golden light and he was smiling darkly, happy to have an outlet for his anger and frustration. The three Shadowhunters were circling Jace hesitantly, knowing full well he was the better fighter. Alec was relieved to see no one had weapons drawn.</p><p>“Jace, stop!” Alec ordered as he came over to the group.</p><p>The voice, Alec’s voice, made Jace stop the swing he was about to make at the nearest of the three Shadowhunters.</p><p>“I can take them,” Jace reassured him, not taking his eyes off his opponents.</p><p>“I know you can,” Alec said, his tone comforting and certain, not looking at the three Shadowhunters, his eyes focused on Jace.</p><p>“You three…get out of here,” Alec ordered to the three other men, still not looking at them.</p><p>Kitty Cat was sneering threateningly at the three men in case they were in any doubt that the only reason she was not attacking was because Alec had not ordered it. Yet.</p><p>“He attacked us!” One of the Shadowhunters protested hotly, rubbing his chin where Jace had hit him, making Jace smirk evilly.</p><p>“I know,” Alec said matter of fact. “Now go.”</p><p>The three men looked at each other, anger clear in their eyes.</p><p>One of the Shadowhunters protested, “Well, I for one want to raise a complaint about this. He has been out of control since…”</p><p>Alec gave him a piercing look and he felt silent, the words ‘since you both got back’ hung unspoken between them.</p><p>“You will do no such thing,” Alec commanded, his voice dark and certain, his eyes narrowing.</p><p>“You are supposed to be Head of the Institute,” one of the other Shadowhunters protested.</p><p>“I <strong>am</strong> Head of the Institute and until that changes there will be no complains raised against Jace, you got it? And don’t think I don’t know that you guys were baiting him with your slander. So unless you want Kitty Cat here to get her way and eat you all for dinner I suggest you leave. Now!” Alec said calmly, his voice like ice.</p><p>The threat was clear as he nodded to Kitty Cat, petting her on the head. He wasn’t really going to let her eat them….but rough them up a bit wasn’t off the menu if they persisted with this.</p><p>“Unbelievable!” The Shadowhunter who had spoken first said, spitting out the word like an insult. </p><p>Alec gave them all a warning look and nodded towards the door of the bar, the message clear. The Shadowhunter who had just spoken shook his head in annoyance and disbelief as they walked away and towards the door.</p><p>Alec could heard one of the Shadowhunters mumble, “Fucking queer!” under his breath.</p><p>He ignored it but Kitty Cat growled in warning at him. They would leave Jace alone and that was all that mattered.</p><p>Jace followed the three Shadowhunters with his eyes, his fists still raised, his eyes narrowed. He had heard it too and made a mental note of the man who had spoken. He had just been added to Jace’s shit list and no one wanted to be on that list; Jace would have to pay the man a visit and ensure he feared him more than sputtering his hateful nonsense about his parabatai.</p><p>When Alec turned back to face Jace his expression softened.</p><p>“Come, let’s sit down,” Alec said and placed a hand on Jace’s shoulder.</p><p>Jace instantly relaxed, his hands unfisting. He allowed Alec to guide him to a quiet corner where there was an empty booth. Jace sat down with a defeated look, annoyed he hadn’t been allowed to finish the fight. It left him feeling itchy, like something had to give.</p><p>“I’ll get us some whiskey,” Alec said, about to walk to the bar. </p><p>“Since when do you drink whiskey?” Jace asked surprised.</p><p>“I do…sometimes,” Alec said with mock wounded pride, hiding his worry with humor.</p><p>Alec went to the bar, Kitty Cat faithfully following him, and ordered two whiskeys but then changed his mind and ordered a whole bottle. Jace raised an eyebrow at him when he sat down across from him and poured a glass for each of them, Kitty Cat sitting by his feet.</p><p>“I thought you hated whiskey,” Jace said as he lifted his glass.</p><p>Alec lifted his glass to match.</p><p>“I thought I would see what you have been raving about.”</p><p>Alec made a face as the whiskey burned its way down his throat. Jace laughed and it made Alec smile. He loved that they could both laugh more and more these days; it brought a sense of peace to a world which had been turned upside down.</p><p>“How do you drink this stuff?” Alec asked, on purpose making a face to draw another smile from Jace.</p><p>“With practice,” Jace said with bravado and poured another for himself, having finished his while Alec had only sipped at his own glass.</p><p>“Now that we both have eternity you will learn eventually. Maybe in 300 years,” Jace teased, making Alec laugh and the sound made Jace smile both from the echoes of Alec’s amusement reached him through the bond and because Alec rarely laughed even before they had been captured so it was always a treat to witness it.</p><p>“So…” Alec started in a conversational tone and Jace tensed, not wanting to be asking why it was so hard for him to not fight the idiots that Alec wanted to educate. If they learned their lessons he wouldn’t need to beat them up so.…</p><p>“How did you feel the hunt went today? Did Izzy leave you out of her sight even once?”</p><p>Jace visibly relaxed, happy his parabatai hadn’t broached the issue that was right in front of them. He could feel through the parabatai bond that Alec understood his protective acts and couldn’t really judge them for Alec was very protective of him too.</p><p>Jace snorted as he said, “As if! I am not sure she will let any of us out of her sights for long any time soon. I’m surprised she isn’t here.”</p><p>“She is training some of the new recruits we got in to replace the NYI staff who had taken part in the conspiracy against us,” Alec explained, keeping his tone light.</p><p>They talked about nothing for another two hours, both getting increasingly drunk. They started talking about past mischiefs…or whatever mischiefs Jace had gotten into and Alec had tried to get him out of.</p><p>When their laughter died Alec got a serious look in his eyes.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec began softly, his eyes on the glass in his hands. He took a breath before he looked at him. “You need to talk properly with Clary at some point.”</p><p>“I….I am not sure I can,” Jace admitted pained, looking down into his glass, the alcohol making it easier to be honest and open though with Alec that wasn’t really hard for him these days.</p><p>“I am not particularly fond of reliving everything we went through either,” Alec admitted softly. “It’s hard to share such things with someone you love. But Magnus and I grew closer after I did so. I know Clary doesn’t have the same frame of reference, the same past experiences, as Magnus but given her a bit of time with that Mundane group she is with and I think she would understand it intellectually.”</p><p>Jace looked frustrated at his brother before throwing his hands up in defeat.</p><p>“What do you want me to say to her then? That I failed you? That I almost got you killed?! That I got you…got you….” He was yelling but didn’t care. He was unaware of the tears in his eyes.</p><p>Alec sank, feeling Jace’s pain through the bond, his heart breaking for him. They had had this conversation often and they would likely keep having it for quite a while.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec said softly, touching his forearm with a calming hand. “You didn’t fail and you didn’t hurt me. You know that.”</p><p>“That woman you killed…” Jace looked away before meeting his gaze again. “It should have been me. I should have done it.”</p><p>Alec shook his head. “You had enough.”</p><p>Between them unspoken, the image of the Mundanes Jace himself had killed.</p><p>Jace shook his head stubbornly as he insisted, “I could carry it.”</p><p>“And I can’t?! I am not made of glass you know!” Alec objected hotly.</p><p>He was so tired of the people at the Institute treating him like he was made of glass due to his scars and what they had heard he had been through. He wasn’t that fragile!</p><p>“I know,” Jace quickly calmed him, sending waves of calm and affection through the band. “It’s just…”</p><p>“Yeah, I know…<em>I’m sensitive</em>,” Alec interrupted with, saying the last part almost mockingly, making air quotations with his hands.</p><p>Jace gave him an intense look.</p><p>“You are and it’s a strength. It makes you a good leader,” Jace insisted.</p><p>Alec sighed as he took another sip of his whiskey before saying, “But a horrible soldier.”</p><p>“No…just a horrible killer,” Jace clarified softly, his eyes clouded with dark memories.</p><p>There was a note of self-hatred and darkness in Jace’s words which made Alec react instinctively, seeking to protect and soothe.</p><p>“Jace….You’re not a killer,” Alec protested, his eyes employing Jace to believe him. “You’re…”</p><p>“No, Alec,” Jace interrupted him, shaking his head. “We have been through too much together to start sugarcoating things now,” Jace paused, his expression pained and his eyes clouded.</p><p>“I can live with killing someone, easily,” Jace admitted with a darkness he rarely admitted to.</p><p>He knew it was there, just under the surface. Alec’s calm and love in the parabatai bond would keep that darkness at bay but if Alec was hurt or threatened, there was nothing holding it back. He took a deep breath, looking down at the glass in his hands, emptied it and then continued to look at it as he played with it.</p><p>“But I can’t live with knowing I hurt you,” Jace finally said, his voice soft, agonized.</p><p>Alec’s eyes were glassy with shared pain and sympathy. He knew these fears and concerns they both had after their captivity would not disappear overnight. They had had this talk before; they would have it again.</p><p>“Jace, look at me,” Alec pleaded as he sent waves of love and affection through the bond to Jace. When Jace finally did he continued, “You didn’t hurt me. If it hadn’t been for you….well, for one thing everything would have been so much worse.”</p><p>Alec didn’t want to mention the near-rape but it hung in the air between them.</p><p>“I am not sure I can believe that,” Jace said softly, quietly, looking down at his empty glass again before refilling it with ferocity as if he was punishing the bottle for his turmoil feelings.</p><p>“You can and you will…because it’s the truth,” Alec insisted, putting a hand on Jace’s arm as he kept sending his love and calm through the bond to Jace.</p><p>Alec’s eyes were warm, his grip affectionate. When Jace looked at him Alec smiled and Jace couldn’t help but smile back, the feelings Alec was seeing through their bond, so filled with warmth and kindness, the way he was looking at him, so open and without any hint of anger or blame…. It drowned out Jace’s darkness. At least for now.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jace said heartfelt, giving Alec’s hand on his arm a gentle squeeze.</p><p>“Always,” Alec said with a smile as he took a sip of his glass. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment before Alec thought of something, “About Clary and talking to her….”</p><p>“Yes?” Jace prompted, unsure where this was going.</p><p>“Have you considered getting drunk with her like we are doing now and talk to her then?” Alec suggested.</p><p>“Why would that help?” Jace asked puzzled.</p><p>“Because you are more raw with your feelings when you drink,” Alec said honestly.</p><p>“You’re the emotional drunk here, Alec,” Jace reminded him with fondness and teasing, trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>“True. I also said raw,” Alec corrected, not letting Jace’s words distract him from his idea.</p><p>“And doing that you could always push questions away till next time you two drink together if it gets too overwhelming or you are not ready to talk about it while sober,” Alec suggested. </p><p>Jace thought about it for a moment before he nodded slowly. “Ok. I will give it a try.”</p><p>Alec smiled as he said, “Good.”</p><p>“Is Magnus picking us up with a portal?” Jace asked to change the topic.</p><p>“Yep. We can drink as much as we want. We have a ride home,” Alec confirmed.</p><p>“Good,” Jace said with a nod as he refilled both their glasses.</p><p>They talked for a few more hours, changing between serious topics relating to their ordeal, getting used to now being immortal and moving on and just talking like they always had, as brothers. It was two very drunk Nephilim Magnus picked up that night; Alec was indeed an emotional drunk. Clinging to Magnus and proclaiming his undying love over and over and very loudly. Jace on his part thought he was whispering when he was telling Magnus that he was happy his brother had him in his life and that he was very shiny this evening. Magnus had gotten both of them home through the portal with a fond and overbearing smile. He had helped Alec to bed and then helped Clary get Jace to bed as well. Jace on his part had given Clary a sloppy kiss and promised her that next time he was going drinking it would be with her and it was change everything. Even though Magnus and Clary hadn’t been at the bar with the parabatai pair they could feel something with Jace had changed; that he had decided to try another approach with Clary.</p><p>A few days later had been a good day. Izzy, Simon, Clary, Jace and Alec had all had dinner together. It had been nice and relaxing. However, when Alec and Magnus had gone to bed that night Alec’s dreams were tormented with memories of their capture – of the punishments John had given him but specifically of the woman he had murdered. His dreams turned to nightmares of pain and agony and he was unaware of screaming, his mind on fire, his breathing coming in pained gasps, sweating and thrashing around in his sleep. He was unaware of Magnus talking to him, trying to wake him gently, caught up inside his own mind, his own hell. He didn’t register Kitty Cat looking worried at him from her position next to the bed, unsure how to help.</p><p> “Alec!” Jace yelled as soon as he opened the bedroom door to Magnus and Alec’s bedroom, his silhouette standing out against the light from the living room compared to the darkened bedroom.</p><p>Jace’s parabatai rune was pulsing and he had awaken with a start when he had felt Alec’s pain and panic. Clary had run after Jace when he had almost fled the bedroom in his desire to go check on Alec but remained in the back, by the door, not wanting to impose or crowd them.</p><p>“Darling, wake up!” Magnus insisted more strongly now, shaking Alec’s shoulder slightly.</p><p>Alec jumped awake, his mind still caught up in his flashback nightmare, making him instinctively move away from Magnus’s grip. He sat up in the bed so suddenly he almost bumped into Magnus who had been leaning over him. Magnus quickly moved out of Alec’s line of sight so he could see Jace. He was careful not to make any sudden moves or touch him anywhere yet, waiting for recognition to settle in Alec’s eyes, waiting for Alec to realize he was no longer on the ship.</p><p> “Jace!” Alec got out as he recognized him, hyper-ventilating, fighting to calm down but unable to.</p><p>Jace crossed the room in quick strides and sat on the bed on Alec’s side. Without hesitation he leaned in and hugged him close and Alec instantly relaxed into the embrace.</p><p>“It’s ok, shh,” Jace mumbled, stroking his hair like he had done many times during their captivity when he had wanted to calm Alec.</p><p>They sat like that for a few moments and Alec’s hand which wasn’t around Jace’s back found Magnus’ on top of the covers and held on tight. Alec pulled away from Jace when his breathing had returned to normal and his eyes showed full awareness of where he was. He smiled a little sheepishly at his parabatai, relieved to see that Jace also looked calmer now that Alec was calm and the feelings floating between them in the bond were only affection and care; the panic and pain was gone.</p><p>“Sorry for waking you,” Alec said softly.</p><p>Jace shook his head, remembering many a night when Alec had been the one comforting him after a nightmare.</p><p>“Don’t be,” Jace said warmly, noticing with approval and fondness that Magnus hadn’t let go of Alec’s hand.</p><p>Magnus and Clary exchanged looks over their heads. The worry in their eyes was beginning to fade at the same time it was fading from Alec and Jace.</p><p>Alec smiled at Jace, squeezing Magnus’ hand.</p><p>“I’m ok now,” he assured Jace.</p><p>Jace scanned his face and felt him through their bond to be sure he meant it.</p><p>“Okay, buddy,” Jace said with a relieved smile and nod when he felt he truly was ok again.</p><p>Jace rose from the bed after giving Alec a quick embrace. His protective instincts awakened he cast Magnus a look that clearly said ‘you better take care of him!’. Luckily for them both Magnus ignored him. Instead, Magnus simply moved closer to Alec who easily melted into his embrace, his head by Magnus’ shoulder, his arms encircling him and holding him close.</p><p>Jace took Clary’s hand when he reached her, smiling reassuringly at her before they left the bedroom, closing the door quietly, going back to their own room.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Alec mumbled softly when the door had closed, his breath warm against Magnus’ skin.</p><p>“It’s alright, Alexander,” Magnus said softly, reassuringly, kissing the top of his head.</p><p>“No it isn’t. It shouldn’t keep happening,” Alec said frustrated.</p><p>“It’s less often now, darling, and even if it wasn’t…You know I will always love you,” Magnus calmed him.</p><p>Magnus knew that Alec  always needed a little extra reassurance of his love and affection for him after an episode and frankly, he never tired of giving it.</p><p>“I know and that’s why….” He paused, his eyes downcast. He drew a ragged breath, calming himself before his eyes met Magnus’ again.</p><p>“That’s why you should be enough. It should be <strong>you</strong>,” Alec insisted stubbornly, embarrassed, feeling like he was letting Magnus down somehow.</p><p>Magnus knew what he meant; it should be him Alec called for and not Jace when he had a flashback like this.</p><p>“When you are aware and in control then you call for me. Besides, I do not mind that you call for Jace. I understand the bond between brothers and warriors. There will and should always be things regarding your shared ordeal that only the two of you can ever truly share and understand,” Magnus said fondly. He paused before he added seriously, “When you have a flashback your mind gets literally stuck in the past, in a memory. I was not there for those six months. When your mind is caught back there I can’t enter; I wasn’t there then and so I can’t be there when you relive it. I understand that. It has nothing to do with how much you love me.”</p><p>“Thank you for always being so understanding. I love you so much,” Alec said affectionately, overwhelmed as always by Magnus’ insight and support, snuggling closer to him.</p><p>“I love you too, darling,” Magnus said affectionately, kissing the top of his head.</p><p>They sat like that, wrapped around each other, for a few moments in comfortable silence.</p><p>“Remember when I told you I killed my stepdad and that my father nurtured my darker impulses?” Magnus began slowly.</p><p>It was a painful memory but he felt it had to be shared. Alec nodded, clearly confused as to what this had to do with his own confession but patiently waiting for him to continue.</p><p>“I had years where I gave in to the darkness,” Magnus admitted, guilt clear in his voice. He paused and took a depth pained breath.</p><p>“Alexander, I hurt people. People who had done nothing to me. I have to live with that. The things I did… It is a burden few can understand…some of my Warlock friends being among those few. Do you understand?” Magnus asked softly, a note of pain and self-hatred in his voice as he recalled those years, those actions.</p><p>Alec nodded, thoughtful, as he said, “I think so.”</p><p>“And you know I would never judge you for what happened. I love you, no matter what you may have done – past, present and future,” Alec went on, his voice warm and loving and his eyes honest and caring.</p><p>Looking at the young man in his embrace looking like that at him made Magnus’ heart melt. Alec was one of the few Nephilim who had never feared him, never judged him, never seen evil in him. It was one of many reasons why he loved him.</p><p>“I love you too, Alexander,” Magnus said warmly, a lump in his throat. Alec turned his head up for a kiss and Magnus bent down and did just that, putting all his love and affection into it.</p><p>When they drew apart Magnus got more serious, returning to addressing Alec’s concerns.</p><p>“This ordeal you have been through…no matter how empathetic I am, how much I have seen or experienced…then I can never understand it fully for I wasn’t there and I have never been there…But Jace was right there with you. Just like what I did, what I went through…only those Warlocks I know who have walked a similar path to mine would truly understand that. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to share it with you and that doing so would not matter to me but it means there’s a different connection in different circumstances,” Magnus explained.</p><p>“Thank you,” Alec said warmly, grateful for his insight, for them sharing these things.</p><p>It felt good, honest, to be connecting like this. Overcome by love for his Warlock, Alec took one of Magnus’ hands and kissed it, making Magnus give an unusually shy smile at the tender gesture.</p><p> “Whatever for?” Magnus asked huskily, overcome by emotions himself.</p><p>“For being you… for loving me,” Alec said adoringly, letting Magnus see his joy and love in his words and eyes.</p><p>Magnus smiled tenderly as he spoke, “Never thank me for that. Loving you is a gift that I am grateful for every day.”</p><p>Kitty Cat seemed to have decided she wanted in on the love fest and jumped onto the bed and snuggled close to Alec, making both men smile. They fell asleep like that; Alec with his head on Magnus’ shoulder and Kitty Cat snuggled close to Alec.</p><p>The next day Alec thought he was fine. The day went ok. However, something was nagging at the back of his mind; he couldn’t quite shake the feeling he should be better by now; that he shouldn’t burden Magnus like he had last night. That he shouldn’t still wake up screaming.</p><p>After work he decided to go train to relieve the tension. It was late so he was the only person in the training room. He was only suppose to train for a little while before going back to Magnus’s loft with Jace. Alec trained all he could these days, wanting to regain his strength, hoping if he did maybe he would feel more like his old self. He had hoped his training would help stop the nightmares and the flashbacks. Yesterday proved to him he had to work harder. And so he did what he had always done when he felt he had failed; he trained harder and harder.</p><p>With each punch to the punching bag, Alec tried to erase a painful memory; to forget what had happened. He had learned since childhood that failure was not an option. Failure just meant try harder; try again. He just had to do better. So he hit the punching bag again, harder, and again, again, again…He ignored Kitty Cat’s worried sounds, he ignored the pain in his hands as he kept going. He had to get over this; beat the weakness out. Magnus deserved better; he deserved more than what he was giving him. He deserved that he was over this.</p><p>Alec didn’t notice Jace enter the room, focused on his training. He was sweating, his hands bloodied and bruised, the once white bandages over them soaked through.</p><p>“Alec. Alec!” Jace said the name louder, more insistently when Alec didn’t respond but just continued beating the punching bag over and over again.</p><p>Alec heard Jace but it was like he was in a fog. Jace caught his hands in his when he tried to take another punch. His grip on Alec’s wrists were firm and borderline bruising as Alec fought to free himself.</p><p>“<strong>No</strong>!” Alec protested, fear and pain in his voice at being restrained.</p><p>His eyes were clouded and for a moment it was like he wasn’t seeing Jace at all.</p><p>“Alec! Alec! It’s me! It’s me,” Jace kept repeating as he caught Alec in a strong embrace, holding him close against his chest, keeping his wrists pinned and folding his arms in an x across his chest to subdue his struggles.</p><p>Then Alec suddenly lost all willpower and his body went limp. Jace allowed them to slip to the floor together, both now breathing heavily, Alec sitting between Jace’s legs, his back against Jace’s torso. After a few minutes Jace let go of Alec’s now still wrists and winced a little when he saw his grip had made red marks on them. He smoothened them over with his fingers before looking more closely at Alec’s bruised hands. Blood was running from where the skin had broken and several fingers were sprained but nothing seemed broken this time.</p><p>“Oh, Alec,” Jace mumbled in an agonized voice.</p><p>Alec had always sought physical pain as a way to deal with his mental pain. It had been a continued source of worry for Jace throughout their lives. Jace moved a bit so he could face Alec. However, the older boy wasn’t looking at him but looked down on the floor, embarrassment coloring his cheeks red.</p><p>“Look at me,” Jace asked, taking hold of his chin to lift it up to meet his eyes. When Alec finally did his eyes were clouded with pain, guilt and shame. Jace let go of his chin again.</p><p>“Don’t do this again, please,” Jace asked agonized, his voice was imploring, borderline begging. </p><p>Alec wanted to look away but Jace’s gaze was persistent, holding him captive with its concern and naked need.</p><p>“Ok,” Alec said quietly, his gaze wavering. It was a lie and they both knew it. He couldn’t just stop using this way of coping when he had done it for years; not even for Jace.</p><p>“No…I mean it, Alec. I can’t…” Jace began, his voice filled with pain and frustration. He put a hand through his blond hair. “I can’t take it, feeling your pain through our bond….just like...”</p><p>Jace didn’t say it but he knew Alec understood him. Just like he had felt it so many times during their captivity.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Alec said softly, pained, cursing himself for his selfishness.</p><p>He hadn’t thought of that; he had only sought to seek a little relief from the agony he felt inside the only way he knew how, the only way he knew had always worked for him. </p><p>“It’s ok. We will be okay,” Jace promised as he drew his brother into a tight embrace, both men uncaring who might see them sitting like this on the floor of the Institute training room.</p><p>“I will work harder to control this side of me,” Alec promised softly against Jace’s shoulder. He hesitated as he admitted, “I hadn’t meant to do it. It just happened.”</p><p>Jace drew a bit back so he could look at him. Jace took Alec’s battered hands in his and took out his steele and drew iratze on each wrist, watching the wounds close. Alec gave him a grateful nod. Jace stroked Alec’s now healed hands and fingers, feeling them to be sure they were fully healed, a sense of familiarity and gentleness in his touch that only a brother and comrade in arms could possibly understand.</p><p>“Since you have always used training as a way to hurt yourself maybe for the next few months we could agree you don’t train alone? Would that be ok?” Jace asked hopefully, his voice soft.</p><p>Alec reflected on it, knowing how upset Jace and Magnus would be with him if he hurt himself like this. And Izzy….she would never leave his side; ever! He didn’t want to hurt them; he didn’t mean to do any of that. He wanted to find another way, a better way, to deal with things when his brain became crowded. Maybe one of those Mundane help groups could be useful. Maybe he wasn’t the only soldier who used physical pain to deal with emotional turmoil. He decided to start investigating it so he could develop some healthier alternative coping mechanisms when he felt like this.</p><p>He nodded in agreement, as he drew his brother into another hug and smiled softly, reassuringly, “Yes. Jace. Yes. That would be ok.”</p><p>They sat together for a few more minutes before, drawing strength from each other, feeling comforted and safe. Feeling ready to face another day, taking another step, slowly, little by little, getting closer to the light as the good days started to outweigh the bad.</p><p>
  <em>End of part 9</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos would mean so much to me (or just kudos if you are shy).<br/>Thank you to those still with me for this story. You are not many but you matter so much to me. It is your support that keep me motivated to continue writing so thank you so much. :)<br/>I will conclude this story in a few chapters. I already have a few requests I have promised to fulfill. If there is something you want to see before I end this story please let me know and I will try and include it.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Good & Bad Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jace has a flashback but Alec brings him back. Jace and Clary move forward in their relationship emotionally while Alec and Magnus move forward with their relationship sexually.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions general PTSD feelings, flashbacks, racism and homophobia mentioned. Details how Magnus and Alec move on sexually. It is still a Mature waiting, no body parts are mentioned, but it is very clear what they are doing.<br/>Mentions the fact that Magnus is part demon and that he has been starting a war and killing people for Alec. And that he is 100% ok with doing that for him.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
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<h1>Chapter 10: Good &amp; Bad Days</h1><p>It had taken Alec a few weeks to discover that Andrew had a worse time than he did being back at the Institute. People would whisper about him or object to his plans but no one dared to do anything directly. Even if someone tried to trip him up during training Jace would be there in a heartbeat so no one dared go there. Alec had noticed something was up with Andrew when he had more visits to the infirmary than normal. He had finally managed to get Andrew to admit that some of the Nephilim who had issues with same-sex couples and in particular if the other person was a Downworlder, had taken issues with Andrew’s relationship with Lorenzo. They had been ganging up on him in the guise of ‘training’ and been beating him up. Andrew had been too embarrassed to tell anyone. With the cat out of the bag, Alec had punished the guilty parties but had had to let them remain on staff as frankly they were starting to be short-handed after Idris had finally cleaned house. However, as a consequence Lorenzo was now a permanent guest to the Institute, not letting his lover out of sight unless he had to take confidential meetings with Alec or other Nephilim Lorenzo trusted which was limited to Izzy, Clary, Jace and Alec of course. Not that Alec could blame him, as they had not been able to protect him so well so far.</p><p>They had been back at work for almost five weeks at this point. Jace, Alec, Izzy and Clary all left for the Institute together in the mornings and either returned together or Lorenzo or Magnus would portal them as everyone was still a bit hesitant to leave alone. Kitty Cat would always go wherever Alec went obviously; that had also taken some getting used to for the other Shadowhunters as she was a creature from Hell. No one dared to object too much to her though as Kitty Cat was likely to eat anyone who was too problematic.</p><p>Alec had gone to his office to deal with some paperwork before the day’s first meeting, Kitty Cat going with him as always, while Jace had gone to look into a recent demon attack with Clary and Izzy. If Jace or Alec had had a nightmare that had disrupted both their sleep, like last night, they would both be running on coffee and their stamina runes. Such a poor start to the day would sometimes indicate the day would go badly if the echoes of the nightmare remained with them during the day.</p><p>Just before lunch, Clary and Izzy had gone on a hunt together while Jace had gone to train. Everything had seemed fine and Alec had gone through his meetings, Kitty Cat keeping a close eye on everything. Then suddenly everything had fallen apart. Alec had felt Jace’s distress and rising panic before anyone notified him. He felt his parabatai’s fear, his terror and it hit him like a whirlwind. The physical backlash of the intense emotions would have knocked him off his chair if he had not managed to grip on to the desk. He tried to push some calming feelings back towards Jace through their bond but Jace was in too much turmoil to be receptive. Alec had gotten to his feet at once and made a hasty excuse before all but fleeing the meeting room, Kitty Cat close on his heels. He ran through the Institute’s hallways to reach the training area, leaving some rather surprised Clave members behind.</p><p>Alec heard Jace before he saw him, his voice ringing loud and clear, filled with the promise of certain death. Only someone who knew him well would have been able to tell there was stark horror underneath the words. </p><p>“You will <strong>not</strong> touch him!” Jace’s words echoed in the otherwise quiet room.</p><p>Alec took in the scene as soon as he arrived; Jace was standing in the middle of the training room, a staff in his hands, which he was waving around threatening. His eyes were unfocused, unseeing, his expression grim. Eight Shadowhunters stood in a circle around him, some with their hands raised in a surrendering gesture, looking at him curiously and confused, not understanding what had gotten into him.</p><p>“Stay,” Alec ordered of Kitty Cat who obediently stayed by the door, giving everyone except Jace warning looks.</p><p>Alec moved closer to Jace slowly and the circle of Shadowhunters parted to let him pass.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec said softly, calmly.</p><p>Alec raised his hands in front of him as he drew closer, unsure whether his voice alone would be enough for Jace in his current state to recognize he wasn’t the enemy.</p><p>“Alec?” Jace asked hopefully, his eyes still unfocused, hazy, as if he were somewhere else, sometime else.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s me,” Alec said calmly, moving closer slowly.</p><p>Alec was now close enough to Jace to touch and Jace didn’t waste a moment. He grabbed his nearest wrist so tight it was painful but Alec didn’t even flinch. With a quick movement, Jace pulled him behind him, protecting Alec with his body.</p><p>“Stay behind me,” Jace said tensely, looking around with unseeing eyes at the enemies in front of him only he could see.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec said softly, touched his shoulder tenderly. Jace’s shoulders were tense, in battle mode. “Jace….what’s going on, parabatai?”</p><p>“I will <strong>not</strong> let them hurt you,” Jace said sharply, a promise in his voice. “I won’t let them…let them touch you.” His voice broke at those words and unshed tears were in his eyes.</p><p>The words brought back unwanted memories of hands grapping at him, memories of John, the table…and Alec was left to wonder if Jace was stuck in that memory, reimagining it in the hopes it would this time have a better ending. Alec shook his head to clear it of those memories; he couldn’t afford to think of that now. He first remembered they had an audience when he heard the painful gasp from his sister who had just then entered the training room with Clary in tow, having returned from their hunt.</p><p>Alec looked around at the eight Shadowhunters who were looking at them with something between horror, surprise and curiosity in their eyes after hearing what Jace had said.</p><p>“Leave. <strong>Now</strong>!” Alec commanded sharply and everyone except Izzy and Clary started to move out.</p><p>Izzy and Clary looked at each other and then Alec and Jace, worry and concern clear in their faces. Kitty Cat growled at the girls to indicate they should stay put. To emphasize her point she moved to sit in front of them, blocking their way to Alec and Jace.</p><p>Alec looked at Izzy and Clary, aware that what they were seeing was troubling them but also determined to try and be more open and inclusive. He knew Jace talked a lot with Izzy already and that he was trying to open up more to Clary.</p><p>“You can both stay but stay back there…please,” Alec told Clary and his sister.</p><p>Izzy and Clary reluctantly did so, worry and sympathy clearly visible in their expressions at what they had overheard. Alec didn’t have the strength right now to talk with Izzy about it and he was not talking about his near-rape with Clary as they didn’t have that level of trust. One day though, when the time was right, he would talk with Izzy about it.</p><p>Quickly the crowd dispersed, no less because of the icy stare Izzy gave everyone and the growling from Kitty Cat. When everyone had left except Izzy, Clary and Kitty Cat, Alec again tried to reach Jace.</p><p>“Jace, my brother…I’m here, I’m safe,” Alec said softly, moving his free hand, Jace still holding the other in a death grip, and gently squeezing his nearest arm reassuringly.</p><p>Something flickered in Jace’s eyes and he frowned, turning around to face him but keeping a firm grip on his wrist to assure himself he was close.</p><p>“Alec?” He questioned, his voice small, broken, almost like a child’s.</p><p>“Shh…it’s ok, we are safe. We got out, remember?” Alec reminded him softly, stroking Jace’s arm in calming patterns to try to coax him back.</p><p>Jace tried to think. The gym room of the ship he was seeing in his mind’s eyes was getting fuzzy around the edges now but Alec always stood out clearly to him.</p><p>“We did?” Jace asked softly, hopeful, his voice weak and low, trying to look at Alec without losing sight of the imaginary guards he thought he was protecting Alec from that only he could see.</p><p>Alec nodded reassuringly and took his free hand up to touch Jace’s cheek in a calming and sympathetic manner.</p><p>“Yes. Remember?” His voice was imploring, tender as he sent waves of warmth and reassurance through the bond to Jace to drown out his fear and panic.</p><p>And suddenly Jace did remember. With a rush the gym room disappeared, the images of the guards faded and he was back at the Institute. When he saw Alec standing next to him, a soft smile on his lips, unharmed, sending calming waves through their bond, he started to relax. With an embarrassed look, he noticed the bruising grip he had on Alec’s wrist and instantly released him. He took a deep calming breath and drew a hand through his hair, not noticing his hand was shaking. He saw he had left some clear red marks on his parabatai’s wrist from holding him so tightly and felt a wave of guilt at his weakness.</p><p>“By the Angel!” Jace mumbled and his legs started to give way under him, suddenly feeling exhausted, as if he had run for miles or been in a great battle, his hands now clearly shaking and he was sweating.</p><p>Alec easily caught him and they sank to the floor together, Alec carefully ensuring they went down to the floor together gently.</p><p><em>Didn’t Alec always ensure he went down gently</em>? Jace thought wryly.</p><p>“It’s ok,” Alec reassured him, giving him a warm embrace, holding him safe and close.</p><p>They sat like that, hugging each other on the floor for a while. Finally, Jace pulled out of the embrace to look at Alec with worry and dismay at his own actions.</p><p>“No, it isn’t! I could have killed someone just now,” Jace protested.</p><p>Alec shrugged, not worried.</p><p>“Only if they had been stupid enough to not get out of the way.”</p><p>“Alec!” Jace protested but his response had the effort Alec had hoped; Jace’s lips curved in a smile.</p><p>Alec hesitated, biting his lower lip as he asked, unsure if Jace would feel ready to relive the horror he had gotten stuck in, “Do you…do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Jace thought about it and found he both wanted and didn’t want to.</p><p>“Maybe later,” Jace said.</p><p>“Ok. My office in three hours? I got the whiskey restocked.” Alec suggested.</p><p>It was half a joke and half serious. Jace didn’t really talk about his feelings regarding their captivity without the excuse – or the release – of being drunk.</p><p>Jace had finally stopped shaking, finally fully back. He nodded in agreement, a small smile between humor and gratitude at Alec’s offer on his lips. Alec stood up and reached out a hand to Jace who took it, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet.</p><p>“I need a shower,” Jace said aloud; exercising and then the flashback meant he felt sticky and in need of chasing away the darkness he had gotten stuck in any way he could.</p><p>Jace then noticed Izzy and Clary, looking concerned at them. He walked over to them, Alec following him. When he reached Clary he wordlessly pulled her into a hug that she easily returned while Izzy hugged Alec tight. When they all drew apart Jace gave Clary an intense look, grateful for her not asking questions. Maybe that was why he said what he did next; the fact that she was not pushing, that she was giving him space and time, something she had gotten good at after she had joined the Mundane support groups.</p><p>“Clary…do you maybe want to go for a drink with me after work?” Jace asked softly, a bit hesitantly.</p><p>Clary smiled brilliantly, having waited to hear him ask that.</p><p>“Yes. Always,” she assured.</p><p>“Good,” Jace said, smiling as he kissed her tenderly. “We will do that then.”</p><p>Sensing Alec and Jace needed a moment Clary took a hold of Izzy’s arm and pulled her along towards the door as she said to Jace, “See you after work then.”</p><p>Jace nodded and smiled as he watched the girls walk away.</p><p>“That was a great move. I hope you two can talk,” Alec praised, giving Jace’s nearest arm an encouraging squeeze.</p><p>“It just seemed right to ask her today. I feel…ready,” Jace said thoughtfully. “Well, after a few drinks I will be.”</p><p>“Good,” Alec said with a smile.</p><p>“I’ll shower,” Jace repeated as he walked towards his old room at the Institute.</p><p>He never slept there any longer but it gave them privacy to shower and change and such things in the rooms that still stood ready for all of them at the Institute.</p><p>“Want me to stay?” Alec offered easily as he followed him.</p><p>Before their captivity, the offer would have been odd but now it was normal; they would always offer to stay if the other needed them no matter what they were doing.</p><p>“No but…don’t go far,” Jace asked, still feeling too shaky after his flashback episode to have Alec leave his side.</p><p>Alec nodded in understanding before he said, “I needed to hear you input on a demon attack that happened this morning anyway. I can get you up to speed while you shower.”</p><p>It was weird how safe, familiar and normal it had become to them, doing something like showering with the other near.</p><p>Jace nodded in gratitude, grateful that Alec, as always, knew what he needed without him having to ask.</p><p>While Jace showered, Alec waited outside, leaning against the wall. He talked and kept talking while he was out of eyesight and Jace knew he did it for his sake to calm him down so he knew Alec was there; he was safe. Maybe once it would have bothered him that he needed this reassurance but the smooth and calm voice of his parabatai grounded him and the feelings of warmth and affection flooding the bond kept him feeling safe and home. Thus when he walked to the bedroom, a towel around his waist, he felt back to normal. They talked shop while Jace got dressed before parting ways in the hallway. Alec got the location of the bar Jace was taking Clary to and had him promise they would get either Lorenzo or Magnus to portal them home when they were ready so they would not go through the city drunk; Alec still unable to let go of his by now irrational fear for Jace’s safety</p><p>When Jace and Clary walked to the bar after work, they talked about anything and everything except his ordeal. It was first several hours later, when Jace was very very drunk and Clary was quite tipsy herself, that Jace started to talk. When first he started, he couldn’t stop. He talked of his fear for Alec’s health and safety, his feeling of failing him, his need to ensure he was safe, the pain Alec had suffered, the pain he had suffered, the anger at the world for allowing this to happen that he couldn’t get rid of. He talked, he cried and he got so drunk he threw up several times after a complaining Lorenzo had picked them up and taken them to Magnus’ loft; the portal travel had not helped Jace’s queasiness. Few would understand but to Clary, that evening in that small bar, getting drunk with Jace and having a horrible hangover the day after…it was one of the best evenings of her life despite how painful it had been to listen to. One of the very best. She had felt close to him, included, privileged to see this side of him. What he told her that night helped her better understand Jace and over the coming weeks they would have other talks and each time they got a bit closer.  </p><p>It was now six weeks since Alec had returned as Head of the Institute. On a professional level he was struggling to change the Nephilim culture and ways, fighting against years of bigotry and homophobia. On a personal level he was busy giving input to the official handfasting ceremony and party Magnus was arranging for them. It would be held in two weeks and Magnus had arranged an event as grand and extravagant as only the Warlock could make it. On good days Alec loved being involved, giving input, looking forward to celebrating his union with Magnus with everyone. Listening to Magnus explain color schemes and what not was, on good days, endearing, fun and charming. On bad days, he found it very difficult to focus on something that seemed so trivial in the grand scheme of things.</p><p>Alec had regained a lot of his strength and his muscles. He looked much better, most of the scars had faded and while they would always be there they were no longer as obvious. He looked fine and thus he wanted to feel fine, to feel…normal. On good days he almost managed that. On good days he wouldn’t flinch at loud noises, raised voices or sudden movements. On good days he wouldn’t think just once about what he had been through, he would be able to smile and he would effortlessly be able to lean into Magnus’ kisses and caresses. Despite that they hadn’t even on a good day made it past making out; Alec unable to take any initiative and Magnus not pushing for more. Alec felt very self-conscious regarding how his body looked now, the scars on it a constant reminder of what he had been through. Despite Magnus’ assurances he was completely fine with them taking it slow Alec was starting to feel like the lack of full intimacy was hanging between them like a physical object.  </p><p>Today had been a bad day. Work had been bad; he had barely been able to hold it together and had been happy for having Jace close by, he had flinched when someone had dropped something in the ops center and it had made a loud noise. He had in general just been off his game which had really frustrated him. Jace had offered to hang out after work but Alec had declined, knowing Jace had made a prior appointment with Clary for them to go visit a Mundane art gallery and she was really looking forward to sharing her passion with her boyfriend. He didn’t want Jace to miss that for his sake. Besides, he loved being around Magnus and having the Warlock to himself; he loved everything about him. Nevertheless, sometimes Magnus’ never-ending patience and kiddy gloves was simply too much. On bad days Alec’s mind was filled with anger and self-hatred, and the more Magnus was hovering around him, treating him like glass, the worse he felt.</p><p>“I said I’m fine!” Alec snapped when Magnus for what he felt was the 100th time but was really only the third time that evening, and it was almost 21:00 hours; had asked how he was doing with concern and worry in his voice, clearly able to tell Alec was not feeling well today.</p><p>He had no right to be snappy but he still felt this intense anger at times that he couldn’t control. They were in the living room and Alec rose from the sofa, where they had been sitting watching a movie, in frustration at Magnus’ continued mothering. He wanted to be fine! He didn’t want Magnus to have to worry about him like this.    </p><p>“You don’t seem fine,” Magnus said evenly, not letting Alec’s anger affect him as he too rose from the sofa, moving to stand before him.</p><p>“Look…Just leave me alone!” Alec said sharply, turning around, refusing to face him.</p><p>It was difficult to stay upset with Magnus when he could see his eyes and read the worry, understanding and pure love there. He felt he needed his anger right now; needed it to hang on.</p><p>“Alexander…I’m just trying to help,” Magnus said softly, kindly, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>Alec shook off his hand, placed there with such delicate care as if he was a precious glass ornament. He turned around to face him, his eyes ablaze.</p><p>“Well, it’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” He said sarcastically.</p><p>He knew he was being nasty and felt a jab of pain when he saw how wounded Magnus looked at him.</p><p>“Alexander…” Magnus began but Alec cut him off.</p><p>“Just leave me alone, okay?” His voice was somewhere between anger and desperate pleading.</p><p>Magnus sighed with frustration. He had tried being gentle, soft, patient and understanding…it had worked at first but these past few weeks it seemed to be moving them in the opposite direction. A thought hit him. Alec was a Shadowhunter; maybe gentle and soft wasn’t what he needed. Not now, not anymore.</p><p>“I can’t do that, Alexander,” Magnus said softly but strongly and before Alec could say anything he pulled him close and ignored his vain attempts at pushing him away.</p><p>Magnus looked into Alec’s eyes and saw lust and fire, love and confusion. He pulled Alec into a hard kiss – possessive and passionate, filled with all the desire he had for him. Alec leaned eagerly into it, all fighting done and instead put his arms around his neck tightly, possessively, wanting more, relieved to see Magnus finally reach for him, finally show him he still desired him, still wanted him.</p><p>When they pulled apart for air, Alec looked dazed but the pain and doubt was back in his eyes now that the lust was fading a bit. He again started to struggle in Magnus’ embrace but he easily held him still, adding magic to his grip.</p><p>“Let me go!” Alec demanded hotly, avoiding Magnus’ gaze, his cheeks hot with embarrassment and his eyes filled with hurt and fear.</p><p>There was no way Magnus could possibly find him desirable; he was scared on his body and soul, broken, used. He wasn’t the man he had been before. Magnus deserved better.</p><p>Magnus’ cat eyes became visible as he looked at his Shadowhunter with all his love and passion.</p><p>“Why? We both know you enjoyed the kiss.”</p><p>Alec lowered his eyes, ceasing his struggling.</p><p>“I don’t want your pity,” Alec mumbled softly, uncomfortable, his cheeks flaming red.</p><p>“Pity? Is that what you think this is?” Magnus asked surprised. So that was what this had been about; why he had been pulling away these last few weeks. Alec didn’t think he found him desirable any longer.  </p><p>“What else could it be? I’m…broken,” Alec said softly, agonized, still looking at the floor as if the secrets of the universe were written there.</p><p>“Alexander, look at me,” Magnus said, his voice between a plea and a command.</p><p>Magnus took a firm grip on Alec’s chin, forcing his head up to meet his eyes when Alec refused to look at him.</p><p>“I love you. Your mind, your soul… and your body. Believe me; this is not pity,” Magnus said strongly, letting him see his love and lust, his need and desire in his eyes and expression.</p><p>Alec wanted so much to believe him but found he couldn’t.</p><p>“But we haven’t…Since…” He couldn’t finish; they both knew what he meant.</p><p>Magnus’s expression softened but his arms around Alec stayed strong and firm, enjoying it when Alec instinctively pressed himself closer to him, wanting to feel as much of Magnus’ body against his own as possible.</p><p>“Because I wanted to respect your boundaries. Believe me; I have wanted nothing more than to mark every part of your body as mine since I got you back,” Magnus said passionately, letting the possessive side of him, the demonic side, shine through in the hope it would convince Alec that he truly did desire him just as much as he always had.</p><p>Alec’s eyes shone with hope. Did Magnus truly still want him? Even now?</p><p>“Really?” His voice was hopeful but weak, almost sounding like a prayer.</p><p>Magnus nodded and before Alec could react he had walked him backwards until he was pressed against the nearest wall. Alec gave him an encouraging look filled with desire that made Magnus’ own desire skyrocket. Magnus attacked his mouth again with abandon passion before kissing his way down Alec’s neck, leaving occasional hickeys, enjoying Alec’s moans of pleasure as he marked his body as his.</p><p>“You…really still want me?” Alec asked softly, allowing a hint of joy and hope in his voice, angry with himself for his doubts and nervousness but unable to truly believe it.</p><p>Magnus was perfect in his eyes. He had found it a miracle he had even wanted him to start with and for him to want him still now….not just as a life partner, someone to love but sexually….Maybe…maybe Magnus really didn’t just do this out of pity. Maybe he truly did still desire him.  </p><p>“I think I should show you how much I have longed for you to be mine again,” Magnus growled, his cat eyes ablaze with a golden gleam, barely keeping control of his desires.</p><p>“Please, yes,” Alec moaned, wanting more, wanting to feel loved, whole, desired. Wanting to wash away the dark memories, his fears and insecurities in the safe love that was Magnus.</p><p>Magnus smiled happily, desire running through him.</p><p>“You know how much I adore every part of you,” he whispered, loving to know that Alec still desired him, still wanted him, despite what he considered his failure at rescuing him sooner. Alec might have had his doubts and fears regarding whether Magnus still desired him but Magnus had had his own doubts as well.  </p><p>They managed to make it to the bedroom between hard and desperate kisses, like two drowning men in a desert. Magnus gently pushed Alec down on the bed and seeing his lover lying there, eyes filled with lust, it took all his willpower not to devour him then and there. He disposed of their clothes with magic and Alec’s expression turned shy and hesitant as he tried to cover the worst scars on his torso with his hands.</p><p>“Don’t. I want to see you,” Magnus asked hoarsely as he laid down next to him, admiring his body.</p><p>“Really?” Alec asked in a low voice.</p><p>Magnus nodded and gently moved his hands around from his body, from his cars, lifting them above his head. Alec watched him with huge eyes darkened by desire and love as Magnus gently but firmly kept his hand in place so he could continue to admire him and marvel at the perfection he had always and would always feel was his husband, his Alexander. He searched Alec’s face and eyes to be sure Alec was alright with this, having been hesitant to move ahead with much more than snuggles and kisses since Alec got back, not wanting to scare Alec in any way. However, all he saw on his young lover’s face was love, trust and desire. Alec gave a small nod, seeming oblivious at even doing so. However, it was enough for Magnus to abandon his barely held control as it was.</p><p>Magnus continued giving loving attention to Alec’s lips and neck, sucking, licking and kissing his way down, worshipping Alec’s body with his lips and tongue. Alec’s sounds of pleasure edged him on, making him want to free his hands to touch more of him so he used magic to keep Alec’s hands together above his head. Magnus continued to explore Alec’s body, paying attention, almost homage, to his new scars and his runes, kissing and licking them, making Alec’s fears of not being desirable any longer disappear in a haze of pleasure.</p><p>Magnus held back his desires as much as he could as he took time to mark every part of Alec with kisses and hickeys, being careful to cover all his new scars with his lips, trying to drive out the evil that had put them there and instead replace them with him, his protectiveness, his love. He knew his hickeys would show the next day, he knew Alec had always loved that, and the demon side of him loved it too; loved knowing the whole world would know that this wonderful man was his, all his. No one would ever take him away from him again; Alec belonged to him and only him and he would make sure the world knew it but most importantly he would make sure Alec knew how loved he was.</p><p>“You look so beautiful, Alexander,” Magnus mumbled, letting his love, his praise, calm him, making him feel adored and desired. </p><p>Alec was starting to make small needy sounds and soon Magnus was buried inside his lover, connecting them in the most primal way possible. Alec’s moans of desire edged Magnus on and the sex was everything they both needed; quick, passionate, loving, needy, almost desperate and filled with longing and adoration.</p><p>Afterwards Alec laid with his head on Magnus’ chest, listening to his heartbeat, his arms around his body. Magnus was holding him close, stroking his hair. Magnus’ human side enjoyed the tenderness of the moment while his demonic side enjoyed the possessiveness of holding his lover safe and close; his and only ever his.</p><p>Magnus held one of Alec’s hands in his, gently rubbing calming circles into the skin.</p><p>“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Magnus asked with worry, looking concerned at Alec.</p><p>Alec shook his head, his expression warm, sated, tired, satisfied. He felt better, more relaxed, more loved, than he had felt in ages.</p><p> “No,” Alec assured him warmly, smiling lovingly at him. “This was everything I wanted. I needed. You made me feel so beautiful,” he added softly, looking down in embarrassment, avoiding Magnus’ eyes</p><p>Oh, those words made Magnus’ demon side want to purr…did demons purr? In joy and happiness at having given Alec what he needed to move past his ordeal and given them both back this gift, this connection.</p><p>“I can remove the hickeys if you prefer,” Magnus said as he kissed one that he had left on Alec’s deflect rune.</p><p>Alec shook his head as he quickly said, “Don’t.”</p><p>Magnus looked questioningly at him and Alec explained, “I like them. They…” he blushed furiously as he continued so softly Magnus barely heard him, “They remind me of you. That you…want me. That you find me beautiful.”</p><p>Magnus squeezed him tight, a lump in his throat as his human half melted with love and his demon half howled in pleasure and joy at his words.</p><p>“I will always want you. You are perfection,” Magnus mumbled as he kissed Alec tenderly and carefully, making him feel how loved he was. Making him feel that to Magnus Alec was his whole world and nothing else mattered to him. He would gladly burn down a thousand worlds to see Alec safe. Such passion, such love, should maybe scare him but it didn’t.  </p><p>To Magnus Alec truly was perfect. He had never before met someone who accepted all parts of him; who understood and respected that he had been ready to burn the Earth to get him back, ready to start a war for him. Ready to start a million wars for him if needs be. Alec loved and understood both the human in him and the demon in him. Alec satisfied both halves of him…with Alec he could truly be 100% himself. He could be whole. It was a unique and wonderful feeling he had never dared dream he would ever have. </p><p>“I love you,” Alec mumbled happily, sleepily as he snuggled close to the Warlock. He felt safe now, loved, cared for. At this moment he felt no fear, no doubt…there was no darkness anymore.</p><p>“I love you too. Always,” Magnus assured him tenderly as he kissed the top of his head.</p><p>Alec lifted his head slightly and gave him a look filled with regret and sorrow as he said, “Sorry about earlier. What I said…”</p><p>Magnus put a finger to his lips, silencing him as he said, “Shh…Nonsense. It’s forgotten.”</p><p>Alec smiled, relieved to hear that.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“I’m sorry for not seeing what you really needed, what we both needed, to move on,” Magnus added seriously.</p><p>“Don’t be. I should have been clearer,” Alec assured him.</p><p>Magnus smiled warmly and kissed Alec tenderly, affectionately.</p><p>“I love you, Alexander.”</p><p>“I love you too. Always,” Alec replied joyfully as he laid his head back on Magnus’ shoulder, snuggling close again, sighing contently.</p><p>Alec slept peacefully that night, safe and protected within the Warlock’s embrace, smiling in his sleep all through the night, amazed at how Magnus had managed to turn his bad day into one of the best days of his life.</p><p>Magnus didn’t sleep at all that night; too happy and joyful to sleep. He simply enjoyed this moment of holding his lover, his husband, his whole world, close to his chest, close to his heart. He couldn’t remember having ever been as happy as he was as he laid there, holding Alec close all night, feeling, knowing, they had taken a big and important step forward. Together. Always together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback and kudos (or just kudos if you are shy) would mean the world to me.<br/>Having sex again after a sexual assault is hard and people deal with it in different ways. There are no right or wrong way. This story only describes one possible way.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Brothers Always</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alec and Jace talk about how they feel now, moving forward...and confirm they will always be there for each other - even when things change.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always to my awesome and overworked beta readers Monochromatize and Cindy for great work as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: Mentions drinking and getting drunk, mentions general PTSD feelings, flashbacks and homophobia. References sex.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
</p>
<h1>Chapter 11: Brothers Always</h1><p>In preparation for their upcoming handfasting ceremony Magnus magic’d up an impressive penthouse apartment next to his own for Jace and Clary to stay in so they could stay close but still have their privacy. He magic’d one for Izzy as well to the other side of his loft so both Jace and her could be close to Alec; something they both wanted.</p><p>Jace met Alec and Kitty Cat outside the loft the next morning; Clary and him having spent the night in the new loft for the first time. Izzy had left early as she had patrol this morning with Andrew – and by default that meant Andrew and Lorenzo which guaranteed dead demons and no Nephilim injuries; there were advantages to have a Warlock with them on all hunts. This morning Clary was going to one of the support groups she had started to attend and would meet them later. Even now, though they could feel each other through their bond, both men visibly relaxed and became more at ease when seeing the other was well and safe.</p><p>“Good morning,” Alec said cheerfully and handed Jace one of the two coffee cups he had in his hand.</p><p>Jace took the offered coffee suspiciously; Alec wasn’t a morning person. Through the bond Jace could feel Alec’s relaxed state…like all the tension he normally carried with him had momentarily left him. It made Jace want to smile so he did.</p><p>“You are in a good mood today,” Jace commented as he tasted the coffee while they waited for the elevator. It wasn’t a question. He could feel it through their bond.</p><p>“I had a good day yesterday,” Alec said with a smile, giving Jace’s arm a pat as they entered the elevator.</p><p>They could have had Magnus portal them but they weren’t in a rush and both Jace and Alec liked these morning walks to the Institute; it helped them reconnect after being separated for the night. Though separation was getting easier it was still a struggle if one of them had a bad night.</p><p>“Glad to hear it.” Jace’s voice turned more curious as they exited the elevator, crossed the entrance hall and leaving the building. “I felt you were unhappy yesterday but then….happy.”</p><p>Alec blushed a little and decided to ignore the hidden question.</p><p>“You have been together together!” Jace almost yelled as realization hit him. Alec blushed and looked away for a moment. “Good for you, buddy!”</p><p>Before their ordeal Alec had known Jace would support him, even defend him, but after what they had been through Jace seemed much more comfortable with talking openly about Alec and Magnus’ relationship in a way he hadn’t been before. It was as if many of the secrets and hang-ups both men had had before had disappeared. In light of what they had been through it didn’t seem important anymore.</p><p>“Thanks,” Alec said shyly, still looking anywhere but at Jace.</p><p>Having made love yesterday for the first time since his torment was something Alec took as a personal victory. They had been intimate before then but hadn’t gone all the way. The memory of his almost rape, the terrors he had been dealing with had meant he hadn’t had much sexual desire. When he had started to feel desire again he had felt unsexy, sure Magnus thought less of him for how changed his body and mind had become. Well, Magnus had certainly proven to him last night that he found him just as desirable as ever.</p><p>When he watched his brother again Alec noticed the lines under his eyes and how his irises seemed to have bloodlines in them; clear signs he wasn’t sleeping enough.</p><p>“Did you sleep last night?” Alec asked concerned when he saw how tired Jace looked.</p><p>Jace shrugged. “A few hours.”</p><p>“Nightmare? I didn’t feel anything,” Alec asked concerned.</p><p>Normally if either of them had nightmares or worse, flashbacks, the other would know instantly and be able to offer comfort. Alec’s mind was already spiraling into a circle of blame and guilt for not having noticed Jace’s problems when Jace calmed him.</p><p>“No. Just…thoughts,” Jace admitted.</p><p>Alec nodded, a little relieved. Thoughts were of course one thing they couldn’t feel through the bond. Alec of all people knew how it was to get caught up in thoughts, scenarios of what ifs… what if he had gone another way home that day he had been kidnapped? What if Jace hadn’t gone looking for him alone? What if he had used the gun on Peter instead of on the captured girl? What if he had just been that bit faster with his bow and they had managed to escape the room during their failed escape attempt; would they have escaped the ship then? Yes, he knew well how thoughts could drive you borderline mad with ‘what ifs’.</p><p> “How does Clary like the new apartment?” Alec asked, changing the topic.</p><p>The morning was mild, the sun was rising, the coffee was strong and Jace’s presence beside him and in the bond was calming and steady. It was a nice morning and Alec had started to appreciate small things like that; that the morning would be good, maybe even a whole good day, maybe even two good days.</p><p>Jace nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He smiled as he recalled how excited Clary had been to be living in such a fancy apartment, with a view most people would die for.</p><p>“It’s great; Magnus sure knows how to impress!” Jace said with a wink that made Alec bluish slightly.</p><p>“He does,” Alec replied proudly.</p><p>Magnus had once said one couldn’t trust a stingy Warlock as they had eternity in which to gather wealth and Magnus himself was indeed a very wealthy – and generous – man when it came to his friends and those he cared for.</p><p>They walked in comfortable silence for a while before Alec felt something through the bond; something he should have sensed last night but he had been a bit preoccupied.</p><p>“You are happy yet worried,” Alec concluded, giving Jace a searching look. “You have news. What is it?”</p><p>Jace hesitated for a moment before smiling widely and said, “It’s not official yet but last night Clary told me she might be pregnant.”</p><p>Alec almost dropped his coffee in surprise but then started to smile and hugged Jace warmly.</p><p>“That’s amazing! Congratulations,” Alec said happily as they drew apart.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jace said with a fond smile and a look of wonder and awe in his eyes.</p><p>“Why are you hesitant?” Alec asked, frowning. “Do you not want a baby?”</p><p>Jace quickly shook his head.</p><p>“No. I want it. A lot,” Jace quickly assured him.</p><p>“Then what? I hope it's not me because I will always be there for you no matter how much your world changes,” Alec vowed, giving his right arm a reassuring squeeze.</p><p>"Thank you. So will I," Jace said heartfelt, moved by his words. Jace then hesitated for a moment before he asked in a small and scared voice, “What if I suck at it?”</p><p>Alec frowned as he asked, “At what? Being a father?”</p><p>Jace nodded, “Yes. It’s not like I have had great role models.”</p><p>Alec gave him a warm and encouraging smile as he said, “Neither have I but that’s why I know you will be a great dad.”</p><p>“Why?” Jace asked confused.</p><p>“Because you worry about these things,” Alec said matter of fact.</p><p>Jace smiled at hearing Alec’s trust and support. He pulled him back into a tight embrace, his fears lifted a little.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jace said heartfelt.</p><p>“Any time,” Alec said with a smile. “And you better tell Izzy right away so she doesn’t feel left out.”</p><p>Jace laughed at that as he said, “Ok but it’s still very early. We can’t be sure yet.”</p><p>“All the same.”</p><p>Jace nodded and they smiled at each other at the thought of their sister. They started walking again, both feeling happier and uplifted by the baby news and the support they had for each other.</p><p>Jace then asked the question he always asked after they had been parted, for the night or even just for a few hours, needing the reassurance. “How are you though?”</p><p>Jace always tried to make the question light but his concern was clear.</p><p>“Okay,” Alec said matter of fact and found that it was true. Right now, it was true.</p><p>“Did <strong>you</strong> sleep?” Jace asked.</p><p>Jace searched Alec’s features and was relieved to find Alec looked alright; yes, he could clearly have used more sleep but he looked better than Jace this morning. He also seemed to be having a glow around him this morning that was pure bliss to look at, making Alec’s side of the bond send out warm waves like a mental blanket towards Jace.</p><p>Alec nodded, smiling at the memory of last night as he replied with, “Better than most days.”</p><p>He paused, not sure if he should tell Jace this or not but after what they had been through having secrets now seemed wrong, like tarnishing their bond somehow.</p><p>“Magnus always enjoys cocktails before dinner and wine with the food. I have found that even just somewhat keeping up with his amount of drinking ensures….” He paused, unsure what to say, looking down a little in embarrassment. He had never before voiced what he was doing. Saying it made what he did, how he coped if he felt he had had a bad day, more real somehow.</p><p>“A pleasant buzz? Like you know there is a darkness there but you just don’t worry about it?” Jace supplied for him with a knowing look, nothing but support and tenderness in his gaze and through the bond, making Alec feel instantly at ease and grateful he had told him.</p><p>Alec nodded, no longer surprised at how insightful his brother was. “Yeah.”</p><p>He looked at his feet before looking back at Jace.</p><p>“You told me not to hurt myself,” Alec said as way of explanation, his eyes showing a hidden pain he rarely let anyone see.</p><p>Jace nodded grimly, understanding him completely.</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>He was very grateful Alec had stopped hurting himself; it had put a strain on their bond, on Jace’s emotions that he couldn’t bear after what they had been through. But he also knew that Alec needed the release and would then need to find it elsewhere.</p><p>“I don’t judge you, you know that. We all cope in different ways and  a drink more or less is not the end of the world; besides no one can truly keep up with the amount Warlocks drink anyway,” Jace added with humor and affection, wanting to make sure Alec knew he understood. </p><p>Alec smiled and nodded; he knew that but was still a relief to hear the words. They walked a bit further in silence.</p><p>“How about you?” Alec asked with a hint of worry.</p><p>Jace had a tendency to bottle things up and instead of reacting inward like Alec, he would react explosively outward, challenging people to fights, engaging in arguments and heavy drinking. This was still Jace’s go to coping mechanisms even now.</p><p>Jace sighed, putting a hand through his hair.</p><p>“I am still so angry…irrationally so. I have to be careful during sparring I don’t hurt someone; in particular if that someone has insulted you.”</p><p>Alec nodded in understanding, putting a calming and comforting hand on his arm which made Jace’s lips curve in a small smile as the combination of his parabatai’s touch and the warm and calming feelings he was sending him through the bond brought him peace.</p><p>“I know”.</p><p>Alec was angry sometimes too but he found that Magnus’ love was very calming in that regard.</p><p>“Does Clary calm you? I find Magnus has that effect on me,” Alec explained as he withdrew his hand again.</p><p>“Yeah…she does.” He paused for a moment, thoughtful. “But there are still things I hesitate to tell her; afraid she will misunderstand. Like my fear about the baby. About me being a good dad for our child.”</p><p>“You don’t want to burden her,” Alec concluded for him, knowingly. Jace nodded as Alec continued, “I don’t want to burden Magnus either but he just seems to know, to understand. He had been in some pretty dark places too.”</p><p>“I am not sure if I am sorry to hear that or a bit envious,” Jace said honestly.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Alec asked puzzled.</p><p>Jace fought to find the right words as he elaborated. “To me Clary is a vision of perfection…so pure and innocent despite what she has been through after discovering the Shadow World. I don’t want to ruin her, our, baby joy with my stupid insecurities.”</p><p>Alec nodded; he could understand that.</p><p>“She’s not that fragile though. She has spunk,” Alec reminded him.</p><p>“I know…I just…” Jace’s voice died out and he shrugged, not sure how to finish the sentence.</p><p>“You still want to protect her,” Alec guessed insightfully and Jace nodded.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“How about we try and visit one of those Mundane groups tonight? Together? See if it is something we might find useful?” Alec suggested, placing a hand on Jace’s arm, wanting the physical touch to add to the feelings of comfort and calm he was sending him through the bond.</p><p>Jace nodded, touching his hand on his arm softly in a familiar way that was both intimate and just uniquely them. They had been close before but they were unbreakable, inseparable, now.</p><p>“I am ready,” Jace said after a few seconds of reflection, finding that he was indeed ready to give this a fair chance. “Let’s try it.”</p><p>Alec nodded, a lump in his throat as the unspoken emotions of support and love between them as he hugged him close. Both men clung to each other as if for dear life, drawing comfort from the embrace and each other as they had so many times before. They both pretended they didn’t see the wetness in each other’s eyes or the love in each other’s faces as they pulled apart.</p><p>“Ok. I think we should get some work done,” Alec said in a firmer tone though his eyes on Jace remained soft and kind.</p><p>Alec took a deep breath and pulled himself together and back into the familiar role as Head of the Institute just in time for the Institute building to appear before them.</p><p>“Yes, Sir,” Jace teased as they entered the building together.</p><p>Walking side by side down the halls, teasing, smiling, it looked to the world like everything was as it had been, if one ignored Kitty Cat of course who always walked by Alec’s side. It appeared as if everything was normal while on the inside everything had changed yet some things would always remain the same. The love and desire to be there for each other that Alec and Jace had always had was one such unchangeable thing. No, not unchangeable – the ordeal had changed that. It had made it stronger, more profound, unbreakable. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments and kudos (or just kudos if you are shy) would mean the world to me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Handfasting Ceremony</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Malec wedding with some news from Reyhill and Clace.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to my overworked beta readers as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: References homophobia and bullying.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read the chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
</p><h1>Chapter 12: Handfasting Ceremony</h1><p>After some consideration and debate Magnus and Alec did their handfasting ceremony at the New York Institute. Alec thought it was a good way to show change and commitment to unity by combining the Warlock handfasting ritual with a Shadowhunter wedding, making the marriage binding in both the Downworld and Idris. Magnus had turned the observatory of the NYI into a stunning vision of flowers and autumn leaves for the special day and the room was packed with guests from all over the Shadow World, with all races being represented.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Jace asked Alec, nervously adjusting Alec’s already perfect collar on his suit while Kitty Cat watched them.</p><p>Alec wore a dark suit with golden threads and dark blue decorations. Magnus, waiting by the Silent Brother with Cat as his second, wore a dark blue suit with golden inlay; each of them trying to incorporate as much of the other’s traditions as possible. As the event was held at the Institute Magnus and Alec had felt the symbolic value of Magnus already being at the altar was most meaningful and would have the greatest impact; showing Magnus had just as much right to be at the Institute as anyone else had.</p><p>“Are you? You are sending some anxious vibes through the bond,” Alec asked his parabatai with mild worry but mostly amusement.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Jace declared.</p><p>“Jace,” Alec warned in a warm tone.</p><p>Jace shrugged as he let go of Alec’s jacket, peeping around the corner as they waited for their cue to walk up.</p><p>“I know it’s silly,” Jace admitted, giving Alec a lopsided smile.</p><p>“What is it?” Alec asked.</p><p>“I’m just…honored I get to give you away,” Jace admitted with a hint of embarrassment at his own feelings.</p><p>“Magnus and I are technically already married. At least in the Downworld. This will just make it official in Idris too and be a celebration of that,” Alec reminded him to help settle his brother’s nerves.</p><p>Alec himself wasn’t nervous at all. He had no doubts, no hesitations. Today was a good day; today was all about joy and happiness.</p><p>“I know,” Jace said, sounding emotional all the same. “I don’t want to ever give you away but if I had to Magnus would be my choice.”</p><p>“No one is giving me away like an unwanted present, ok?” Alec mock protested, making Jace smile.</p><p>He gave Jace’s right arm a reassuring squeeze as he thought he understood what Jace was feeling so he added, “I will always be your parabatai and he will always be my husband. We are all forever, immortal.”</p><p>“I know,” Jace repeated but still sounded overwhelmed about it all.</p><p>“Come here,” Alec said with a tender smile and drew Jace into a warm embrace. With his lips close to Jace’s ear he whispered, “I love you, parabatai. Brother. Always.”</p><p>“I love you too. Brothers, parabatai, always,” Jace replied huskily, one hand stroking the back of Alec’s hair.</p><p>After a few seconds Alec drew back just as the music changed.</p><p>“Come on. It’s show time,” Alec said with a smile.</p><p>Jace nodded, smiling back, happy for him. Jace offered his arm with humor and warmth, the gallant gesture a small symbol of the love he had for his brother. They walked down the aisle together, Jace on one side of Alec and Kitty Cat on the other. Alec’s eyes were only on Magnus while everyone else’s eyes were on them as they walked.</p><p>After much consideration Alec had invited his parents but when they had been told they would not be seated up front nor walk him to the altar after they haven’t openly supported Jace and him nor had they fought to get them back. With that news neither Robert nor Maryse had shown up. However, Max had happily come and so had almost everyone else; no one wanted to miss the event of the century.</p><p>Later when Alec recalled his special day one vow, one promise, stood out; their last oath spoken as with one voice. </p><p>“I am and will always be your loving husband,” Alec and Magnus said in unison, saying their vow and their promise to each other in public, for the world, but mainly for each other, their eyes locked and their smiles soft and fond.</p><p>After the ceremony Magnus and Alec were quickly surrounded by people wishing them congratulations. The party continued and the joy in the room was like a wedding guest all on its own.</p><p>The next time Alec and Magnus had a few seconds alone was during the wedding waltz, all eyes on them with soft smiles and misty gazes. Kitty Cat stayed off the dance floor somewhat reluctantly but remained close, keeping an eye on Alec. </p><p>“Thank you, Magnus, for all of this,” Alec whispered to his husband, smiling softly, nodding to indicate the party, the event, his love, immortality…everything.</p><p>“Thank you for being mine,” Magnus said lovingly as he turned them around on the dance floor.</p><p>“I am not stepping on your toes, am I?” Alec asked worried.</p><p>Magnus was by far the better dancer and he was leading the dance, but all the same Alec was worried; not wanting to ruin anything.</p><p>“How could you? My feet are not touching the ground,” Magnus said romantically, smiling lovestruck at his husband.</p><p>His response made Alec blush and forget all about his worries.</p><p>“I can’t imagine a couple more perfect for each other,” Clary whispered to Jace, his arm around her waist as she leaned back against his chest, both of them watching the dance.</p><p>Jace gave her a soft look filled with affection as he said, “I can.”</p><p>Clary turned in his embrace and put her arms around his neck.</p><p>She smiled up at him as she said warmly, “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Jace said before he kissed her lovingly, tenderly.</p><p>“Thank you for letting me in. I know it wasn’t easy for you,” Clary said gratefully when the kiss ended, stroking his cheek tenderly. “I am sorry it was difficult for me to understand at first.”</p><p>Jace took her hand in his when she removed it from his cheek.</p><p>“I am sorry I couldn’t explain what I needed,” Jace admitted. “Thank you for being patient with me.” </p><p>Jace touched her growing baby bump and whispered in awe and wonder, "Thank you for giving me a family of my own."</p><p>Clary put a hand over his on her belly and simply smiled in return; no words needed between them at this moment.</p><p>Meanwhile, Andrew had been surprised when during Magnus' and Alec's wedding waltz Lorenzo had asked him to come with him. He had taken his hand and guided him outside to the gardens; the moonlight and fairy lights made it all look beautiful in an otherworldly way.</p><p>“Lorenzo? What did you want to tell me?” Andrew asked puzzled when Lorenzo stopped walking when they were a bit into the garden, turning to face him.</p><p>Lorenzo took a deep and calming breath, making Andrew give him a confused look at his nervousness.</p><p>“Andrew,” Lorenzo began seriously, emotionally, as he took Andrew’s right hand and held it between both of his. “Being with you the last many months has given my life more meaning than it ever had in the hundreds of years I have been alive.”</p><p>Andrew was moved already by the words but then Lorenzo went on one knee for him, making Andrew’s heart beat faster in his chest and his emotions go all over the place in anticipation.</p><p>“Wow,” Andrew mumbled, mesmerized as he looked down at his lover.</p><p>“Andrew, you give my life purpose. You <strong>are</strong> my life,” Lorenzo said solemnly as he looked up at him.</p><p>Lorenzo put a hand into his pocket and produced a ring made of white gold with their initials and the eternity symbol carved into it. Andrew almost stopped breathing in joy and excitement.</p><p>“Will you marry me and share my immortality with me?” Lorenzo asked, holding the ring out for him to see.</p><p>“Yes! Of course, I will,” Andrew declared happily, his eyes misty with tears of joy.</p><p>Lorenzo smiled widely as he slipped the ring onto Andrew’s ring finger on his left hand and rose.</p><p>“I love you,” Lorenzo said as he pulled him into a tight embrace, kissing him passionately.</p><p>“I love you too,” Andrew said joyfully when they pulled apart for air, staying within the embrace.</p><p>“You have made me the happiest Warlock ever,” Lorenzo declared heartfelt.</p><p>Lorenzo pulled a bit back so he could take Andrew’s right hand with his ring on it and bring it to his lips, kissing the ring he had put there.</p><p>“You might need to compete with Magnus for that title,” Andrew teased, his voice warm and his eyes soft as he blushed at the romantic gesture.</p><p>Lorenzo smiled as he released Andrew’s hand only to stroke his cheek as he said, “True.”</p><p>“What did you have in mind for the ceremony?” Andrew asked after he stole another kiss.</p><p>“Well, if it’s ok with you I was thinking on a beach in Spain, near my mansion there so we can host the reception in our gardens. We can portal the guests in,” Lorenzo suggested, watching him closely for his reaction.</p><p>“Sounds nice. Small and intimate. I would not have guessed that of you,” Andrew said with a smile.</p><p>Lorenzo grinned as he corrected, “Well, semi smallish but I have no need for political statements outside of the fact that you will be mine.”</p><p>Andrew’s expression clouded for a moment, remembering what he was dealing with every day at the Institute.</p><p>“That might also be difficult enough.”</p><p>“Andrew, I know what you suffered through at the Institute. Now, I will support any decision you make but…have you considering quitting?” Lorenzo asked carefully, worry clear in his tone.</p><p>“Quitting?! No Nephilim has ever done that! And do what?” Andrew asked surprised and stunned at the suggestion.</p><p>“Well, the reason no one has ever done that before is because Idris was not united with the Downworld. If the Shadow World stood together against the demons, then the Nephilim could choose their own careers. Then anyone, no matter blood, could become defenders against demons; or Shadowhunters if you will,” Lorenzo suggested thoughtfully.</p><p>“That’s…actually pretty clever,” Andrew admitted thoughtfully, thinking it over in his mind.</p><p>Lorenzo laughed fondly before saying, “I wish you wouldn’t sound so surprised.”</p><p>Andrew smiled back before he started to explain, “Well…”</p><p>“I lived through the two Mundane World Wars and I saw the creation of the United Nations, the European Union and other united organizations created since then as a way to try and bring countries closer together in such a way a war would be as difficult and unlikely as possible as there would be too many shared interests. If Shadowhunters were a kind of Shadow World police then the whole Shadow World would benefit and thus a war between the Shadow World races would be less likely,” Lorenzo interrupted, explaining where he had his ideas from.</p><p>“Clever,” Andrew agreed, nodding, seeing where he came from now.</p><p>“I thought so,” Lorenzo said arrogantly.</p><p>Andrew laughed and mock hit him on the arm.</p><p>“How does that relate to me? To us?” Andrew asked when his laugher had subsided.</p><p>“Well, have you truly always wanted to be a Shadowhunter? If you had a choice?” Lorenzo asked curiously.</p><p>“I…I never thought I had another choice but no, not really,” Andrew admitted after thinking about it for a few moments.</p><p>“So, what would you choose? If you could choose freely?” Lorenzo asked.</p><p>“Diplomacy and trade maybe,” Andrew admitted reflectively. “I always had art and cultural studies as a hobby though so if I could use that somehow too that would be perfect.”</p><p>“You know of diplomacy and trade as disciplines?” Lorenzo asked surprised, smiling.</p><p>While Lorenzo knew of it, being a Warlock and thus engrained in Mundane society, it was not common in the Shadow World and therefore few Nephilim knew about it as Nephilim were taught very little about the Mundane world.</p><p>“I have read some of your Mundane books and both would make sense to formalize in a united Shadow World,” Andrew admitted, referring to the extensive library on Mundane history Lorenzo had in his mansion in New York where Andrew spent all his free time these days when he wasn’t with some of their friends.</p><p>“Well, why don’t you talk with Alec about setting up a diplomatic corps within Idris which liaises with the other races and promote trade and cultural exchange, including art?” Lorenzo suggested.</p><p>Andrew smiled widely as he nodded and said slowly, molding it over in his mind, “That’s a really nice idea.”</p><p>“And….” Lorenzo started to say but then stopped before he went on a bit hesitantly, “How would you feel about us living in my mansion in Spain?”</p><p>“I’m…” Andrew started to say, smiling as he laid his arms around Lorenzo’s neck.</p><p>“I would keep my mansion here in New York. We could spend the summers in Spain and the winters in New York,” Lorenzo quickly clarified, afraid he would say no. “And we would just be a portal away from your friends.”</p><p>“I would love that. A lot,” Andrew told him. He smiled reassuringly at him as he added, “I would have said yes even before you added that.”</p><p>“Great. I would love that too,” Lorenzo said happily as he leaned in to steal another kiss from his future husband.</p><p>“I love you. Your suggestions for the future, our future, sound amazing. I can’t wait to start this adventure with you,” Andrew said tenderly, a bit shyly, amazed this was happening to him.</p><p>“I love you too. I look forward to an eternity with you by my side,” Lorenzo assured him as they kissed again, a kiss filled with love and the promise of a better tomorrow, together forever.</p><p>Lorenzo mentally made a note to himself that he needed to send Magnus a really good bottle of Whiskey as thank you for ensuring he met Andrew and for introducing them. Even though Lorenzo had long suspected Magnus had done so for his own reasons then, now with Andrew in his arms, Lorenzo felt he had surely gotten the better part of the deal.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you enjoyed it then kudos and a comment (or just kudos if you are shy) would mean a lot to me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A year later....</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much to my great beta readers as always.<br/>Chapter warnings: None really. Mild references to depression and PTSD issues.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Please read chapter notes for chapter warnings</strong>
</p><h1>Chapter 13: Epilogue</h1><p>A year had passed since the handfasting ceremony and a lot had changed. Andrew and Lorenzo had gotten married on a beach in Spain two months after Magnus and Alec had had their ceremony. Their wedding had been a beautiful affair with the sunset, warm weather and rose petals magically falling everywhere. It had been picturesque. Andrew had created a diplomatic corps in Idris and was heading it, living with Lorenzo half the time in Spain and half the time in New York.</p><p>Jace and Clary had gotten a beautiful daughter who had amazing abilities thanks to having pure Angel blood from both her parents; surpassing both Clary and Jace in what she could do. She was able to use angelic powers; including angelic magic and could for example create protective shields or bubbles around herself and other people. She would be close to invincible when she was all grown up and in control of her powers.</p><p>Jace and Alec still attended meetings with the Mundane soldier groups regularly and found it a great help to them. Both Clary and Izzy went to support groups for spouses and family members; Clary attending more often as she had more issues to deal with as a spouse. As a consequence they had all gotten Mundane friends so a few months ago, they had started to invite them to events and parties; always ensuring they never knew of the Shadow World of course. Their Mundane friends from the groups just thought Jace and Alec were former soldiers who had been POWs.</p><p>Izzy had initiated Lorenzo’s idea for Shadowhunters to be more of a military unit against demons than be regulated by blood. Simon had been the first Downworlder to sign up.</p><p>Alec had made great progress changing the hearts and minds of his people; thanks to both Jace and Andrew using their positions to aid in that. There was still issues to be sorted out but it was coming along thanks to Alec’s zero tolerance policy towards racism, homophobia and discrimination of any kind. With the new united Shadowhunter force Alec no longer needed to accept anything from Nephilim for the greater good; Downworlders had quickly proved they were at least at good, often better, at killing demons than Nephilim.</p><p>Lorenzo and Magnus had not forgotten they had promised to help investigate ways for Izzy and Clary to become immortal that didn’t require them to become vampires. The answer did not lay in Warlock magic but Seelie magic. As the Seelies were half Angels and thus in that way similar to Nephilim their magic would allow Clary and Izzy to still be able to carry runes and even bear children after the ritual had been carried out. However, the price was also in this case their soul. Both girls had readily agreed to pay that price; why gain immortality if it meant you would be separated should one of you die? Better to be in Hell with your loved ones than in Heaven alone.</p><p>A month ago Magnus had found a Warlock baby that no one was caring for. Alec and he had quickly decided to adopt the small baby and tonight they were hosting a party for their closest friends and family to welcome this new addition to the family.</p><p>Alec was standing with Kitty Cat guarding him, his baby in his arms, the baby boy’s blue skin glamoured as some of their Mundane friends were attending the event. The baby was sleeping and looked so peaceful and beautiful. Having him in their lives had further helped Alec heal; he had always wanted a family more than anything else and he was finally getting that.</p><p>Alec saw Jace hand his daughter off to Clary, kissing her cheek before walking over to him. He was smiling and Alec smiled too when he felt Jace sent waves of affection and warmth through their bond. Having a daughter had helped Jace move on and he was happier now than Alec had ever seen him.</p><p>“You seem….calm. Content,” Alec said to Jace, still smiling, when he came over to him.</p><p>Jace turned from watching Clary talk animatedly with Simon and Raphael, Simon smiling like an idiot at her, forever the loyal friend, while Raphael was simply looking at her with polite interest.</p><p>“I guess I am,” he said warmly.</p><p>They were both having more and more good days. There were bad days in between, some of them very bad, but they were moving forward. It gave both of them comfort knowing they were right next door to each other; the instinct to protect and stay close ever present in their minds after so long living in uncertainty with only each other for comfort.</p><p>“Clary seems happy too,” Alec commented.</p><p>Clary noticed they were watching her and smiled, nodding at them, love and affection in her eyes before she turned back to her audience and her story.</p><p>“It hasn’t been easy for her but those Mundane groups really seemed to have helped,” Jace said. He paused before he admitted a bit sheepishly, “It has really helped that we can talk about things that happened – even if I do have to be quite drunk to do so.”</p><p>It was sometimes still a difficult process for them both as they fought their way towards recovery. Alec often hated the scars on his body, a daily reminder of his torment, forever branded, while Jace sometimes hated he didn’t have any scars, that he had no physical evidence to show for all the pain he had lived through. It often made Jace feel it was more difficult to accept help, to accept it was ok when he did break down. </p><p>“For Izzy too. She now only calls me…like once a day,” Alec said with something between love and humor.</p><p>His eyes found Izzy, standing with a fancy Martini looking cocktail in her hand, talking to Luke, Lorenzo and Andrew about something which easily had all three men fascinated and occasionally laughing. She really knew how to entertain.</p><p>“Ha! Me too,” Jace said with a fond laugh as his eyes went to their sister.</p><p>“Did you ask her yet?” Alec asked, having wanted to ask Jace this question all night, knowing that Jace had been gearing up to propose to Clary for weeks now.</p><p>“Not yet. When you guys are babysitting tomorrow evening I will ask her,” Jace told him with a smile. “She thinks it’s….date night.”</p><p>Alec grinned at that; after they had joined the Mundane groups they now understood more pop references and Mundane terms. They now both had date nights with their partners! Well, Magnus ensured they had date night almost every night which was likely not quite what Mundanes did but Alec wasn’t complaining.</p><p>“She will be so happy,” Alec assured Jace with a fond smile.</p><p>Jace nodded, happy for the support as always and smiled back.</p><p>“What are you two gorgeous men chatting about?” Magnus said as he enclosed Alec from behind in a warm embrace, kissing his neck. Alec turned his head back and Magnus kissed his lips with hunger, possessiveness and a love that was almost tangible.</p><p>“Guys, get a room,” Jace teased, rolling his eyes at them.</p><p>“We’re in my loft, Jace. They are all our rooms,” Magnus said with a humorous sparkle in his eyes when the kiss ended.</p><p>Jace couldn’t help but smile at the reply.</p><p>“I thought I was the only gorgeous man here,” Alec pouted playfully.</p><p>“You are the only perfect man here, Alexander. The others…merely nice window dressing,” Magnus assured him with a playful smirk.</p><p>“Hey!” Jace said in mock anger, trying to keep up with the banter. “I would have you know that if I was window dressing I would be…” He realized he didn’t know any high end brand names. “Puzzi?” He had seen Magnus wear something with a logo that seemed similar to that.</p><p>Magnus laughed. “Gucci, darling.”</p><p>Jace shrugged as Magnus and Alec kissed again, tender and loving. Magnus reluctantly let go of his husband.</p><p>“Can I get you two something?” Magnus asked as he wordlessly, with a tender look on his face, took his son from Alec’s arms, holding him with one arm so he could hold his drink in the other.</p><p>“Thanks, babe.” Alec said with a sappy smile that only Magnus could draw from him.</p><p>The love Alec was feeling was making Jace smile almost as much as Alec, unable to separate his parabatai’s overwhelming love for Magnus from his own emotions when they were this strong.</p><p>“Red wine and…Whiskey?” Magnus looked at Jace for confirmation, knowing what Alec liked to drink.</p><p>Jace nodded. He was about to hand Magnus his empty glass when the Warlock did a hand movement and his glass was refilled magically while Alec got a glass of red wine in his right hand.</p><p>“I should go save Raphael before someone gets hurt,” Magnus said with a smile, feeling Alec and Jace needed a minute more alone.</p><p>However, it wasn’t the only reason he said it; he could see his adoptive vampire son was indeed showing signs of losing his temper with the conversation that Clary and Simon had forced him to engage in.</p><p>Alec reached over and kissed him again, tenderly, before kissing their son’s forehead, stroking some hair out of the sleeping baby’s eyes. Magnus smiled warmly at his husband before he walked over to Raphael.</p><p>“Things seem really good between Magnus and you,” Jace commented, still smiling, fighting to find his own emotions in the whirlpool of Alec’s happiness coming through the bond.</p><p>“They are. I still have some bad days but they are fewer and fewer. I am truly happy,” Alec said with a fond smile.</p><p>“I am so happy for you,” Jace said with a soft smile, meaning every word quite literally.</p><p>Alec smiled back. “Thanks. I am happy you are doing so well these days too.”</p><p>Jace threw an arm over his shoulder, squeezing affectively, holding his glass in the other hand. “Let’s go join the party, eh buddy?”</p><p>Alec looked at him, smiling widely as they started to walk over to their partners, Kitty Cat faithfully following Alec anywhere.</p><p>“Yeah. Let’s,” Alec agreed. </p><p>When they reached Clary, Magnus, Simon and Raphael they were met with warm looks and laughter. They broke apart, Jace putting an arm around Clary’s waist and Alec encircled Magnus from behind, kissing his cheek lovingly before looking at their sleeping son over his shoulder.</p><p>The evening progressed with laughter, love and joy. Kitty Cat remained close to Alec the entire time as she would her whole life.</p><p>It was a good day. Tomorrow might not be; healing takes time. No one could predict these things, but for now…for now it was a good day and they all enjoyed it to the fullest.</p><p>They knew now more than ever that they could overcome anything and come out stronger for it. They were a family and nothing could ever break them apart. Light and love would always shine through and ensure there would be more and more good days, filled with love and happiness, as the years went by.</p><p>
  
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  <strong>The End</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much to anyone who has read this story.<br/>Special thanks to those who gave feedback and kudos on the way; YOU have kept me writing!<br/>If you enjoyed the story then please leave kudos and feedback (or just kudos). It would mean so much to me. Thank you so much to whose who do.<br/>If you liked this story you will probably like other of my Alec centric stories so check them out here: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/works?fandom_id=6856609</p>
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